Do I get back w/ex or not? Need help guys! Really confused. sad

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by risinforce, Dec 29, 2005.

  1. risinforce

    risinforce New Member

    I need help from all those who have been down this road. I know we all have our personal testimonies but that is why god lets us each go through our trials. So we can share our trials w/others and grow in faith. I am extremely struggling w/this issue.

    I just read through an old post of mine from October 6, 2005 when he hit me w/reconciling for the first time. Back then I was for sure in no mood for it. Well now I'm not knowing. For one thing we just spend the holidays together at his house (which used to mine too) so we could be together as a family for our son on Xmas morning etc. It was 3 nights and yes we were intimate. Mistake, I know.

    We had a talk about why we divorced. He gave me his take, I gave him mine. We talked about if we could be together again. How we would have to take it very slow. He threw somethings out there that sent some flags up though.

    First, the reason I decided to divorce him was because he wasn't there for me when I got Fibro. He simply just wasn't around to help or support. Just went merrily about his business leaving me w/our 4 yr old son to fend for myself when I could hardly walk. i would have to call my mom for help. When I asked him about it over the weekend he said he thought it was fake (the pain). Now he knows it isn't.

    He has become a better father since our divorce. He actually is a fantastic father now who lives for our son. This is such a blessing. My concern is, does he want to get back together so he can see his son everyday? I say this because he said he can't stand to be away from him.

    To skip forward, after 3 days of wonderful, I haven't heard from him unless I call which I've only done a few times w/reasons. When I asked him if he wanted to spend New Years w/myself and our son he said he didn't know what was going on, like he would see if there was a better offer first.

    This hurts me for some reason. If in one breath he is claiming he wants me back, the next breath he doesn't care to even call or make plans It doesn't work like that for me. All or nothing. I don't want 25% I want 100%. I won't settle for less. I'm ok w/being by myself.

    I've been praying really hard about this knowing whatever is God's will, will be. i've been asking for direction of course. I just want to do right for myself and my son of course. I don't want to get back w/him and then be unhappy. I can't put my son through leaving again. I wont.

    Well anyone have any help they can offer. Right now I'm just hanging out by myself w/my little man 4 days a week and my cat the other 3. I guess I just wish he would sweep me off my feet in Romance but maybe he's not the one.

    Help and Hugs,
    Shawn

  2. kaiasmom

    kaiasmom New Member

    I would suggest a serious sit down talk with him. If you are even thinking getting back with him, you must each be clear on what the expectations are. If you are afraid he won't give you 100%, tell him that. Make him prove that he will. Tell him you need to know that he wants to be a family again, because he loves you and your son & wants to take care of you like he should have all along.

    My personal experience tells me that some things about some people will never change. My ex was never able to take care of me, or even just help take care of our daughter, the way I needed him to. We got back together a number of times......but he never grew up. Now he has someone else taking care of him....and I don't envy her.

    I hope your prayers are answered.....and you will be at peace with your decision once it is made.

    Take care,
    Leanne
  3. ksp56

    ksp56 Member

    This is a heart wrenching situation.

    Maybe if you would look back at what your wrote, you would see the many ways he hasn't changed.

    With him not calling you, unless you call first, his hesitancy to give you an answer for New Years... and many other things, please really think and pray. Are you even sure he's interested, with all of his game playing now?

    Holidays are very nostalgic and bring memories and feelings to the surface, which may have 'layed low' for awhile. Those feelings can really mess with our minds.

    You will find a man who loves you, just as you are, just as you should be. I believe in this with all of my heart. God is watching over you and your precious child, so you are not alone.

    Bless you Shawn. I will be praying for you.

    Gentle Hugs,

    Kim
  4. saphire27

    saphire27 New Member

  5. risinforce

    risinforce New Member

    I'm at work (thank god alone) because I'm now crying. I now might know where the deep, greiving sadness is coming from. It's like when you are a teenager and you like someone and they don't like you. Remember that feeling. Not jealousy but just plain heartbreak. Or your boyfriend in highschool breaks up w/you. Something like that but deeper. I've only felt this twice before in my life. Had my heart broken so to say.

    Last night I couldn't even think about the situation w/out crying. He claims to have his foundation ripped out from underneath him by the divorce and now it's back and he doesn't want it ripped away again. Like I'm a monster. Mind you that he's not the only victim.

    I agree w/you guys and realize that the truth is I know this in my heart and wrote it above. No phone calls or effort, no go. Until I see some major, and I mean serious courtship, there will be nothing. He mentioned to me during our talk (red flag) that one time when he came by he wanted to hold me and hug me and the next he didn't. What is that? Hot and Cold. I want Hot, Hot Hot.

    I'm already a basket case just trying to maintain a smile through the pain. I don't need to constantly wonder where I stand w/someone who is supposed to love me.

    I am like the one who posted about the prince charming. I guess I'm a romantic at heart. I believe someone is out there who will be caring. How to meet them, have no idea.

    oh well, I thank all of you for giving me your advice. it helped point out that I already knew what I knew. I wrote it and didn't see it. Explains my sorrow.

    Love you all and here's to a successful 2006,
    shawn
  6. Bambi

    Bambi New Member

    on this question, ok I am about alot of things, but this in particular. My answer to you question would be a resounding NO, NO, NO...a thousand times NO! The man told you his feelings when you were married to him, didn't believe in your pain?, wasn't there to help with your son and lived his life pretty much in a carefree way. He still is.

    Christmas is a nostalgic time, the music, the gifts, the candles yada yada yada. You are probably tired of trying to do things on your own and the thought of a companion to share the load would be appealing. You loved the guy enough to marry him, so the feelings aren't all that hard to
    pull up again under the right circumstances. Having sex with him was probably morally wrong, but I say not quite as much so since you were once married. But if you didn't divorce him on grounds of adultery you can't remarry etc if you go strictly by the big book. It isn't always easy to take but the rules don't change only people do. I'm "remarried" and divorced on grounds of "extreme mental and physical abuse" so I'm going against the strict letter of the "law" myself. I have asked for forgiveness and just hope that's acceptable since it's all I can do at this point. But that's beside the point of this post.

    IF he wanted to go back into a marriage with both feet and a whole heart he wouldn't just SPEND New Year's with you he'd have been ASKING YOU to do it.! He has changed toward his son as he should have and I hope that lasts and is sound for your son's sake. He can't be knocked for that..but that does not a husband make.

    If he hit you when you were divorcing there is NOTIHNG to say he will not at some point do it again and as he got by with it it might be easier even easier for him again. To me that is a major deal breaker permanently ..but everyone has the right to forgive anything, up to and including adultery.

    From someone on the outside looking in the window you gave us, he doesn't at all sound like he is really deeply committed to a 100%..100% marriage deal again...any more than he did the first time. He probably has some old gal he is supposed to be spending New Year's with if she's available.

    Christmas you were there together, it was handy, it was somewhat stirring the old embers. I doubt it was much more than that to him, or he WOULD be calling you and you answered that and other questions yourself. So you DO know it's not a great idea.

    We can pray and pray and then convince ourselves that the answer we are getting is whatever we WANT to do whether it is right or not. Remember the other side of praying, if you believe in the devil HE could just as easily be tempting you into something bad for you and your child. So trying to keep our own opinions in mind is important even when we are praying for an answer. Your GUT feelings aren't good about this and it always pays to follow that little voice and flags!

    Good luck no matter what you do but my opinion is to keep looking for a
    prince and let the old frog go!
  7. Solaris_Starr

    Solaris_Starr New Member

    Dear Shawn,

    " The best predictor of future behavior, is past behavior"!
    " If you do what you've always done, you will get what you've always gotten".

    been there, done that....enough said.

    Hugs and good luck
    Sandy

  8. risinforce

    risinforce New Member

    I've got a plan.

    I refuse to call him anymore unless I have no choice because it's about my child. I won't have to see him until Sunday when he picks Cody up at 10:00.

    If it does not come up before, I do not plan to address this for over a week if not two weeks. I plan to wait it out and see what happens. See if he calls me at all etc. Then I plan to talk to him. Sit him down and let him know that if he wants a relationship w/me it has to 100% or nothing. That the ball is in his court and I'll be home should he want to reach me.

    Not waiting mind you. From there we will see what happens. If he calls fine, if not then I know. I do not plan to remarry him right away if ever. I do not plan to move in w/him either. I have always planned on staying alone w/my own place, just dating to start. He is going to have to make the moves and the time.

    So that's the deal. That's where I'll leave it and if it's meant to be then it will work it's self out. It's not like men are banging down my door anyway. How could they, I never meet anyone when I work then go home, then work, then go home etc etc.

    Anyway, to clear up one post, he has never hit me in his life. I would never allow a man to hit me not once. He would find himself in jail.

    Thanks for the input it has been much more than helpful. I have a clearer head. I think w/Xmas and 3 days together like it used to be before I was really sick, it almost was surreal. Like the way we used to be. The last few days have been very blue for me after that because it's like I got a taste of the past before this illness and before all the unhappiness.

    It certainly stirred up some very horrible emotions. Ones I had burried pretty far down inside. Thank God I have a doc appt on the 2nd where we can discuss this whole ordeal. She will help clarify things for me as well.

    Thanks again guys,
    Shawn
  9. saphire27

    saphire27 New Member

    I'm sorry shawn, i misread that sentence, But as for the rest, it's stills goes, i'm glad your feeling clearer.
    Take care
    Angel
  10. lenasvn

    lenasvn New Member

    If there was a true change the new mature him wouldn't want to go there so fast. Besides, change takes time. A couple of months, nah. As someone else stated-been there, done that. I would be utterly cautious. My ex. was nice for a while to the children bercause he knew it was my soft spot. I saw thru it, he never cared for them more now. I never took him back, and now he is nowhere to be seen, doesn't care an iota for the kids.
  11. 1sweetie

    1sweetie New Member

    Shawn,

    I hope I can help. I have been married twice to the same man. We remarried in 1997.

    I was married to my soulmate. Because of things that happened over a 3 year period of time (I could write a book), I had to divorce him. We had a son and I had to make a stand of showing him right from wrong and the consequecences of your actions. My husband needed to understand that also. He had made wrong choices and continued to make them but I knew deep in his heart that he loved us.

    I met & eventually became engaged to another man. I loved him and he was great to me and my son but there was always a hole in my heart for my husband. My husband also did not let me go. He would call, send cards, send tapes of special songs and always tell me he was going to earn his way back into our lives. There were still birthday, Valentines, & Christmas presents. The strangest thing that affected me most that he probably does not know today was the fact that he would use our anniversary date as pin #s for everything. That made me know he kept me on his mind constantly.

    We started to get back together nearly the same way you wrote about. I took my son to where he had moved for a fishing trip.



    A few months later I found that I had cancer. I was still engaged but as far as I was concerned I knew that it probably was not going to work. My son resented him, no matter how much he had tried and I knew that no matter what my husband had done in the past, he would care for me if I was sick and my son needed his father. The guy I was engaged to was so into how I looked and I knew my husband or I should be saying exhusband would love me for me. I was going for the 3rd surgery in a matter of weeks and children were taking me. I started to cry. I wanted my ex with me. My daughter told me to call him...that she knew he would come. He drove from another state and made it to my bedside to be there when I woke. He was only to stay for 30 minutes because the man that I was engaged to came. The difference was that my ex would have been there to take me and hold my hand. He would not have gone to the office first. I would have been the most important to him. This sealed the deal. The other relationship ended within a few months. After many more surgeries (double mastectomy with tram flap reconstruction included) we remarried in Jamaica on the same day & hour of our first marriage.

    When I write that it sounds like the perfect ending but I want to tell you how hard it has been also. Even though I knew that he loved us, there was a lack of trust that is a problem for me to this day. It was hard at first for both of us. The past will always come back and even though he did things that were wrong then, he can't change that now. But things happen to remind you and it's an emotional road sometimes. But it is not a decision I regret. He vowed that he would take care of us and little did he or I know it, he has had to do that. I was an independent career women until this DD took that away from us. He stepped up & has covered me financially, physically & to his best emotionally.

    I don't know if my story helped. I hope I am relaying to you that he must really show you how much he wants you & how much he wants to be married. Because if he doesn't now,maybe you don't need him.


  12. mbofov

    mbofov Active Member

    I went through something very similar 1-1/2 years ago with my ex. He started talking about wanting to get back together but I knew if we did, we would have the same old problems we always did, so I did some research and found some counseling programs that were supposed to be very good for badly troubled marriages. To make a long story short, he decided he didn't want our marriage badly enough to do any work on it. End of story.

    It left me feeling very sad and confused for awhile like you. Every once in awhile he does or says things that hint he still has feelings for me, but he's not doing a darn thing about it, so I'm not opening up to him any more.

    I've learned that people do what they want to do, and don't do what they don't want to do. Everyone else gave you good advice. Sorry you have to go through this --

    Mary
  13. atiledsner

    atiledsner New Member

    HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU?The author was on Oprah and I must say was very tough but clear.I think it would be a good read for you.I'd let him be that good father to your son and keep the rest of it a long distance relationship.So the intimacy happened,and maybe it was a memoriable experience.Live in today. I would have been so hurt by his answer about new years.Spend your time doing quality things for yourself.Try not to sit a wait on a move from him,just go on with your regular routine.I found that the more people in a house the more complicated life gets.Right now you don't have to answer to anyone,so go do your own thing.Others on here have given you great advise.TAKE IT>