Do you ever get mad at yourself for trying to be "normal"

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Empower, Jul 21, 2008.

  1. Empower

    Empower New Member

    Sometimes, when I try to do things that "normal" people do, and then have a tough time doing it, I reprimand myself for being "silly" and trying to act like a normal.

    Does anyone else do this?
  2. Pansygirl

    Pansygirl New Member

    Yes, I do get upset with myself for trying to be the old normal me, because I've seen over and over how it makes me feel so why do I torment myself.

    Just yesterday I went to the grocery store and only had a few bags so I carried them to my car and boy did I regret that ~ my arms and shoulder went into pain and told me what I should have known, use the grocery cart to take the items to the car.

    I tried to vacumm a couple of weeks ago~ same thing~ geesh when will I learn.

    I do try to delegate to my kids and hubby but sometimes I really just want to pretend I'm the old me.

    Take care, Susan
  3. Leaknits

    Leaknits New Member


    Yes. Every time I run into the wall that seems to mean "We can't become friends with our drs, our home-helpers, and other people who claim they can and will help us, I get Red Letter Mad and decide "Okay, I can turn this anger into doing the things my house needs like cleaning it, also trying to figure out what I can live without due to an upcoming move without it overstressing me."

    So I push and push and go far beyond what my unfindable energy meter indicates, then crash into bed and stay there for a couple days in which I can do nothing but crawl off the bed and do small robotic things such as feed cats, tend to their sandboxes, shower, possibly slap together something to feed myself, and then it's Back to Bed, perchance to sleep. Blows any progress made during those couple days when Red Letter Mad woke up my adrenals and made me think "I can TOO do this..." totally unfair.

    I wish the snake oil salesmen who promise to Totally Fix us if we buy their oh wow expensive and spurious at best fixers which turn out to be no good would change up and try to actually help us.
    Guess, though, that combining No Works and selling them at obnoxious prices is easier than trying to be a decent and helpful person.

    Here's hoping there's a Karmic Backlash against such people.
    Scratch that: how about a special level of Dante's seven levels of hell (or circles, I've forgotten) for a Reader it's annoying to lose little details like that and not remember what happened on page 3 when I've just turned to page 4.
    Proved that to myself just recently, when I bought a used but in excellent condition paperback copy of Osler's Web from Amazon dot com and had to keep paging back to see if anything printed on the previous pages had stuck betwen my ears. Mostly, no. Maddening, especially when I used to be a rabid Reader and had read some choice books so often they were memorized.

    And many drs say their meds, especially anti-d's, do not burn out as many as or more than the brain cells that ME/ CFS/ Fibro kill irretrievably dead.
    Would that our brain cells were like the teeth of a shark; I hear that if a sharks' tooth gets lost it grows back!

    At this rate of brain-power loss I expect that when it gets close to the time I won't need my mind any more I'll be reduced to trying to remember my own name and if I remembered to get dressed before going Out.

    Would there be any magnanimous Billionaire or well-funded and well-organized care-agencies...does anyone know?...who might be willing to contribute to finding a Let's Fix This thing?
    I suppose, though, that the bilionaires or agencies would have to fork over cash to CDC Atlanta, and it's clear as glass that, mostly, CDC Atlanta seems to not want to help us.

    And drs. They'd lose some of us as patients if we got all better. Gee, can't have that happen...
    Also shrinks. Now, for all those people the specialists seem to have helped, I apologize and send envious congratulations. I still just don't believe sitting and talking to someone who doesn't know me, likely doesn't know much about the d_____d disease either, can fix us right up.

    I'm sure I'll get replies about that recent paragraph. Maybe I have to believe shrink can cure a physical illness by talking to me. Well, I don't.

    Thanks for listening,
    [This Message was Edited on 07/21/2008]
  4. wordwarrior

    wordwarrior New Member

    Hey Empower---

    Since my fingers are aching at work, I'll cut and paste some of this. Yes, I am just furious that I can't do what I used to. I used to be able to play tennis, shoot a 12 gauge (Trap), run, and lift weights and swing a sword now and then (Medieval Buff!). Now if I can walk fast, I'm feeling lucky. Heck - I've been nicknamed "Xena" by most of my friends pre-FM - now I just feel like Joxer!

    I have been in pain for as long as I can remember. I sought medical help after I left my abusive husband in 2000. Been to Chiropractors, Orthopediacs, Internists, Neurologists, and finally two months ago a well respected Rheumatologist. He finally diagnosed me with Fibromyalgia. I also have IBS, TMJ, had 1/2 my thyroid out last year (underactive/hashimoto's disease), massive migraines, bad sleeping problems, tired all the time, etc. Been tested for everything known to mankind. Basically, I'm a mess.

    I am an over achiever though, which will be the "death" of me, I'm a 45 year old BA student at night (last two classes - algebra - yuck!), full time worker, mom, and remarried. I am in and out of court with my ex-abusive husband because he is not happy unless he is making my life a misery.

    Right now the Rheumatologist has me on cyclobenzaprine (not sure of the spelling but take it at night and is helping with the sleep a bit) and ultracet (pretty worthless on pain). I take firocet for the migraines - been on a million other things - it is the only thing that takes any of the pain away. My pain throughout the body has gotten worse over the past 5 years. I was once athletic, able to go on two hours sleep and juggle school/work/kids/dating/pushing legislation through for victims of DV/dealing with the ex/driving back and forth to my real house 4 hours away every other weekend in NYS/Working in NJ (yuck)/and writing in my spare time - now I still try to do it all (except dating - I re-married a great guy!), but it is killing me. I can't STAND the idea that anything slowing me down - but FM is like kryptonite to me.

    Good Luck-

  5. justmestephd

    justmestephd New Member

    I do it too. Just last week I went down to the NJ Shore with my mom and sister to walk on the board walk and had to stop every 5 minutes or so. I cried a couple of times while down there feeling sorry for myself and my mom and sister just said take your time we have all day to relax when you need to. It was so upsetting.
  6. Empower

    Empower New Member

    I feel all your pain "literally"

    We went to the lake on Sunday (hour drive) and when I came home at about 5:00 and was on the couch until bedtime, couldn't move
  7. homesheba

    homesheba New Member

    how i get mad about that!!!
    i try so stinking hard and even most of today i was in bed.
    i feel like i am loosing my life in bed,
    i hat it beyond words.
    if only people would TRY and understand,
    but i dont think many do at all for real.
    atleast in my life here.
    maybe i should groan and sob in front of people....
    but im just not like that.
    we just grew up not showing alot of feelings like.
    does that make sence?
  8. kaymac

    kaymac New Member

    I was just thinking this as I walked out of WalMart the other morning. I hurried across the parking lot to avoid the oncoming cars and I thought I would kill myself. Why didn't I just take my time and limp like usual?? Because I was embarrassed for others to think I am a overweight lazy woman. Then I pay the price with pain in my legs.

    I try to go into stores of walk to the mailbox and I get so much in pain then regret it. I'm tempted to climb into a wheelchair at stores but don't want anyone to see that I am "not normal" anymore. They may ask me questions!

    At home, I get a "bright idea" and then think I have some energy, or just get up and do it. Only to suffer. Or my family will get in one of those of moods where they are tired of me and short with me and I take it personally and get up and just do some housework and think I can show them that I am not going to whine or complain anymore....then I really suffer.

    And the one who posted the trip on the boardwalk....I would Love to go with my family to do those things, but I can't anymore....and someone said the trip put them on the couch when they got home....that's me too. I try to go for a long distance trip to visit or eat or buy clothes for our family and I suffer so much....

    Acceptance I know is the answer...but I'm still only human and try to be "normal".
  9. Pansygirl

    Pansygirl New Member

    I just want to be able to be productive and do simple things around the house.

    Today I had a little energy after lunch so I decided to sweep and mop the kitchen and now I'm paying for that........arms, hands, shoulders and feet are all screaming at me now. Geesh I just wanted to feel normal.

    It's times like this that I get frustrated and sad at the same time.

    Very gentle hugs, Susan
  10. lrning2cope

    lrning2cope New Member

    and it backfires all the time into more pain and restrictions for me.But she looks so sad all the time and I know she is missing the old me and the good times we had ,and my being able to be an active mom. I wish I knew what to do . One thing is that I try to be a really really good listener. She really likes that !

  11. harmony21

    harmony21 New Member

    whatever that is but YES I too do things all the time that I just cant do anymore, the day before I think I will do this and that tomorrow and if I do both, in bed Iam for the following 2 days.....

    When will i learn i can only do this and not that as well


    angel hugs to all


    BILLCAMO New Member

    (sort of)....

    Does a skunk stink ? LOL

    And I keep in mind the less I use the more I lose. :>)

    We all have a difficult path.

    Blessings ,


  13. texasrose204

    texasrose204 New Member

    I never thought when i was first dx with this dd that it would effect me as it has! I don't think "normal" people grasp the whole concept of this dd when we talk about it. Least with people i know they may say they do but i don't think so. I too was a over doer and now forget it. Just as stated here i want to be productive and not feel like i am a problem. Don't want to complain to much at home i know that gets old but everyday its the same thing and its not like the flu we will be better in a week or two.
    I wont get in the chair at walmart either. it's bad enough that i walk the way i do. Have to hold on to the cart and i am slow! everything is just opposite of the normal me!
  14. hubcap_halo

    hubcap_halo New Member

    You point out such a challenge we face. We want to be "normal." We want to work and then have a life after and not just crash.

    I try to live within my limits whatever they are that month or week or day, but I also keep a part of my mind and soul open to full healing. It helps that I've experienced fairly strong semi remissions many times.

    I hope you feel better and better.
  15. babyk902

    babyk902 New Member

    because i think it makes me feel better, i think i just get frustrated when i try and i realize i have limitations, but i try to go out and live a normal life and socialize to some extent because i think i'd be completely miserable if i didn't give it a try
  16. Empower

    Empower New Member

    Yes, I feel that life is passing me by too :(
  17. texasrose204

    texasrose204 New Member

    Yes is life passing me by too! you are exactly right and I have no control over it which also makes me mad, I can't change it! little did i know when i was told i have fm that all this was gonna change. I am also dx with lupus this past april so still trying to figure that out too!
  18. katiebug61

    katiebug61 New Member

    I have already forgotten what normal is or was. I am just happy when I have a low pain day and I can do more than I normally can do. I used to love to sew and I haven't had the engery to do that since January. I no longer pace myself or compare myself to people that are non-FM. It is self-defeating and I have enough of that just trying to be "normal" at work.
  19. butterfly616

    butterfly616 New Member

    I've been trying to be "normal" for a long time. The last few weeks, though, I've been in significant pain and fatigue. Maybe I have just gotten out of a Fibro Fog, but I had to admit to myself that I have Fibromyaliga. (I was diagnosed 6 years ago.)

    I work 40 hours a week and do weekly housework on Saturdays. I have been asking myself, "Why do I tire so easily? Why can't I keep up?" Duh!