Do you ever get tired of being positive?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by teawah, Mar 22, 2003.

  1. teawah

    teawah New Member

    I am really tired of trying to be positive. I hurt so d$%^ bad and my fog is horrible. My hubby is being a jerk and making my feel as if I were completely worthless to him and I have no one to turn to except you. I need a hug so bad. I just want to be validated. I am tired of pretending that my life is ok. It sucks. I am so depressed. I want to run away. I think that maybe I am going to have to give up and go on some meds. That just makes me more depressed. My hubby criticizes me for taking scripts. He says that I am giving up and I should just be more tough. I am damn tired of trying to be tuff. I can't talk to him as he doesn't understand at all. To him it's just mind over matter. In the mean time he says that all I do is just sit around and do nothing. I clean the house, do the laundry, run his bath, set out his clothes, iron, cook, do yard work, when I can, and yet I am worthless because I can't do all the other stuff he thinks I should be able to do. I can't win for losing with him. I can't win period. I try to be positive and keep myself up but I am losing. I am ready to just pack my stuff and disappear. Maybe I'll go back to Spokane. I used to live there and since everyone raves about Madwolf, maybe I need to go back. God, I am so f'd up. I don't know what to do. I can't work and if I went back to spooky town I would have nowhere to stay.

    I just am really down and need some reason to keep on.
    teawah
  2. jacqffio

    jacqffio New Member

    Hi Teawah
    My advice would be to follow your hubby around all day with a hot iron and keep prodding him with it and see how he likes being in total agony all day every day.
    Hope it gets better for you and think of yourself for a change,do what you have to do to fight this DD.
    Big huggs all the way from the U.K.
    John T.
  3. danisue22

    danisue22 New Member

    Hi Teawah, My goodness it is hard trying to be something for someone else. I don't think that you need to stay positive all the time. If your hubby had to deal with all that you do ,he'd be throwing a fit and you'd be exspected to do more. Why not tell him to draw his own D-- bath water or better yet draw yours. your reason for keeping on is that you are very important,not only to yourself but to all of us.Maybe you need to make some changes right where you are. I live alone and I get very lonely at times but then I read a letter like yours and I'm glad I do.It;s so very hard living with these DD and it's very important that you take care of yourself.You have a place here to come to ,you don't need to run away.You can't run away from you anyway my word look at all you do.I have'nt done yard work for 3 years.Sounds like no matter what you do for him it's never going to be enough so why try. Start taking care of you.Take a nice long bath with some candles, or maybe a nice music CD.Keep reminding yourself that there is no one on this earth like you. your special,If you don't have a friend close by then come here and spout off as much as you like .We will always listen and understand.He probably never will. he does'nt have the capacity to.he's a" NORMAL" if you know what I mean.He does'nt have a clue,so stop worrying about what he thinks or says.Tell him your running as fast as you can,period.I wish I could give you a big hug in person but here is one for you fron me to you "HUG". A good cry would'nt be a bad thing either.It clears the mind. Then you may have the strength to start over again. We all have those "take me out behind the barn and shoot me days"Sorry this is so long .I'm not sure if I've said the right thing ,but you don't owe anybody anything..God Bless Danisue
    [This Message was Edited on 03/22/2003]
  4. Shirl

    Shirl New Member

    You just hang in there! We have all gone through this stuff with husbands, children, friends and even some doctors.

    My daughter used to think that I would say I was 'sick' or couldn't make plans in advance because I was 'tired' of commitments! Oh, she was right about the commitments part, I WAS tired of commitments. I raised three children and one grandson for the first five years of his life, plus all the other things most woman do.

    But I have never been a person to lie about feeling sick to get out of doing something. I would just flat tell anyone 'no', I am not going there, or 'no' I don't want to do that. I have always been my own person, and no one told me what to do in anyway shape or form!

    Her and I had a good heart to heart one day, and she finally realized that I was really in pain, and could not make promises that I didn't know if I could keep!

    Plus I had her and my two son's read a book on Fibro. That solved all of their problems with me. Now they ask if I think I can do this or that.

    As for my husband, it took him sometime too, I personally read him the entire book by Devin Starlanyl, every morning with breakfast he got two or three chapters! After about the second chapter, HE was fixing breakfast for both of us.

    What the book said, confirmed what I had been complaining about for years, I just couldn't put it in words like she did. It was all so familiar to him. He slips sometimes, and I just 'jerk' him back up to how Fibro really is.

    As for friends, those who were toxic to me, I got rid of. Those who understood (as much as any normals can understand), are still around and make no demands on me. If they do try, I immediately put them in there place.

    You have to put yourself first, yes, that sounds selfish, but its the only way you will ever feel any better.

    I can hear all that stress in your post, and that is our worst enemy. If I get stressed right now, I can feel that pain start in my shoulders and back in a matter of minutes, no matter how good I feel at the time.

    I have three grown children, I learned to let them live their lives, what I don't like that they do, I learn to keep it to myself and talk to God about it. That saves loads of stress for me. Plus they don't take Mom's advice much anyway!

    If you can, sit your husband down, and try to explain to him, or if he will read one of the books on Fibro, my husband would have never read Devin's book on his own, thats why he 'got it with breakfast' every morning! I made sure he head it all.

    He bought me the computer so that I could do research for myself on this illness as the doctors were not doing me very much good. In fact, the meds were making me sicker.

    Now I am so much better than I was for the last twenty years, BUT nothing is going to help unless you can get the better part of the stress out of your life.

    I wish I could help you, its so hard for someone who does not have these illnesses to understand. No one can feel your pain unless they themselves have it! I learned that one the hard way.

    You take care, and I will keep you in my thoughts and am sending blessings to you for your husband to stop, think, and realize that you are ill and can't do all that he expects of you.
    Please try to stay calm, as getting upset is not helping you in anyway.............

    Shalom,Shirl





  5. Hippo

    Hippo New Member

    I'm actually not very positive at all. I hate to post about this, I certainly don't want to make anyone feel worse. I have been sick for 20 years and really have very little hope of getting better. My husband is divorcing me and trying to cut off my financial support. Claims I can work full-time. yeah, right. I am actually in bed most of the day due to severe fatigue and severe headaches. The only thing that keeps me going is my children. The only advice I can give you is find something that keeps you going. If it's not your hubby, then focus on another family member who needs you, or perhaps your faith that God or some higher power has a plan for your life. Best of luck to you.

    Hippo
  6. Hippo

    Hippo New Member

    that I ended up having to leave a church because of this very issue. It was a Church of Religious Science, and they are so insistent that you always act positive that I couldn't take it anymore. If I was in pain or unhappy, they won't even let you talk about it. They say you are making it worse. So you have to pretend to be happy all the time. I thought it was nuts and left.

    Hippo
  7. coyote

    coyote New Member

    I am not positive a lot of the time. It doesn't seem to come naturally to me. I do try to put on my game face when I'm at work, though because people have commented to me.
    I went searching on the internet for "FM and brain lesions" because of something posted here a few days ago. What I came up with amazed me.....not as far as brain lesions go, but, a lot of information on how this DD affects our brain chemicals and functions, and how it affects all the systems in the body because the brain controls everything. Never again will I let someone make me feel like I am making it up or malingering. There are hard facts out there.
    Sorry I can't give advice on relationships.....it's one of my weak areas.
    Coyote
  8. We look normal but we are in pain. It sounds like you do too much for your husband as it is. I took my husband with me to the dr while I had my regular appts for fibro. It helped somewhat but unless your in a fibro persons shoes with this dd no one can understand. It is frustrating, depressing and tiring to want a normal life. People complain about the littlest problems, I wish it was that simple. I hear you some days I wish I could run away myself.
  9. GlitterPott

    GlitterPott New Member

    first of all I send you big hugs, I cant imagine what it must be like for you. And as for staying positive all the time, I dont think that any of us can honestly say we do. Its so hard and you shouldnt be scared to break down and cry and scream. It helps, I do it everyday! I think it keeps me sane!
    Forget what your husband thinks, if you need to go on meds then go on them. If they will help you then who cares??? You are number one here, you need to take care of yourself first. After all, we all know what will happen if you push yourself too hard. I know its hard but you must look after yourself and go with your gut feelings, at the end of the day its your body thats telling you what to do. You must listen to it.
    As for him not understanding, of course he doesnt, only we know how much rubbish we have to put up with. Maybe if he thinks you do nothing then you should stop running his bath etc, then maybe he will see what you do do. On the up side, congrats on managing to do all that, you should be proud of yourself! :)
    Maybe you need time apart? Could you stay with a friend for a few days break? You seriously have to do whats good for you, sod everyone else. Your health is too important.

    Take care and we're all here if you need to talk.
    Lots of hugs and love

    Shelley xxx
  10. bejo

    bejo New Member

    I know what you mean.Pretending you feel good,pretending you're not depressed,pretending not to be too tired to stand up.I've also noticed that a lot of people ask how you feel but if you try to tell them how you really feel,they just aren't interested.So again you pretend.That's why I like the people here,they not only care but you don't have to pretend.Believe me,you aren't uesless.You not only do what work you are able,but this disease teaches you to truely care about other people who are suffering.I hate this disease too,but there are some ways that it has made me a nicer and better person.Also believe me,I don't remember what good it has taught me most days.LOLOL Most days I just think about how bad and tired I feel.My husband is retired so he is home most of the time.But I'll tell you a secret,when he isn't home I play on the computer or just do nothing,and don't have to feel guilty about it because he won't know.So try to hang in there and I'm sending you a big bunch of hugs because I need some too. ((((((((((((((for you)))))))))))))) bejo
  11. Achy-shaky

    Achy-shaky New Member

    I know how you feel...my husband doesn't get it either so I vowed to myself that I would give him a year to show me he really loved me. I literly wrote down the pros and cons of our relationship and whenever I think of another pro or con, I update it. If after that year I still feel he isn't going to support me thru this worse side of our marraige vows, I will leave and go live with family who keep bugging me to come live there. It helps to have that time table set because then I'm more patient and know I have the responsibility to teach him about this DD, however, my patience is getting very thin too and I'm truly leaning toward living for just me...I earned it.

    Not sure if this helps but maybe if you looked into the possibilities of where you could stay, etc. it would give you a back-up plan to get you out of the dumps so to speak. Are you on disability? Can you tuck away a little money or borrow? Even if you didn't really leave him, just go for a month and have him do without you for a while...see how he likes that! It may just do the trick.

    BTW: who says we have to be positive ALL THE TIME - having positive thoughts about yourself is different than "acting" positive around others - you need to get those negative feelings off your chest to him somehow even it it means putting starch in his shorts!

    My heart and Blessings go out to you.
    Shaky
  12. selma

    selma New Member

    I did it for many years and then the expectations are higher then you can manage in a flare or just day to day.
  13. afeni

    afeni New Member

    I am so sorry your husband is so blind. My husband has had the same desease yours suffers from,,,selfish ingorance. My husband went to the pain doc with me, heard him say that I needed help, that I shouldn't be alone that I should get out. That my pain was real. That he should walk with me, that depression was a real issue. And he complained about a dirty house, meals not cooked, bills not paid, the traffic on the road, his career and how his life sucked until I thought I would scream. At first, I felt guilty about those things, and hurt that I couldn't do my part. Then one day I just exploded.

    I told him as follows. I don't want to hear it. You are the most selfish jerk in the world right now! You want to complain because you can't deploy, and the traffic is bad when you take me to my oppointments, and I don't cook for you or clean for you, or pay the bills, or go to thegrocery store. Well you are the one who can't work, you aren't he one who needs help to dress sometimes, or who can't drive yourself to the store when you need to go. There aren't days when you can't even wash yourself, because you can't get up. You aren't the one throwing up all the time from meds, you aren't the one who gets to wallow in a dirty house 24/7 because you can't even clean up. You aren't the one who has to go all day without eating because you are too exhausted to make a sanwich. You can sleep at night . you can get up and leave any time you want. You have friends. All I have is you, rubbing my face in all the things I can't do. And I won't listen anymore to you selfish, unfeeling, ignorant bull#$%^ anymore. If I'm ruining your life that bad, I will go back home to my parents and try to get better without your sorry butt. I know that they will not feel like I'm ruining their lives because I'm sick. You have one more time to try and downgrade me like this, and You will not believe how fast I will be out.

    Now I meant ever word, because we'd been married 14 years and I was always d%*^ good to him, even when he didn't deserve it, and I would have hated leaving, but I just couldn't take anymore abuse. I know my husband loves me, but he is a selfish person. Now he is trying to be better, even though I know he can't handle it. But he has never done it again....

    I'm telling you my story, to let you know how much I understand. Its a hard lesson to learn that a person can only do to us (in a relationship) what we allow them to.
    And if he truly loves you, you need to let him know that respect is your right. He can never know how you suffer, but he needs to be your partner, and repect your words, when you say you hurt, you are tired, you need help. Every one deserves respect, especailly from their spouse.

    I don't know what you need to do to make sure he gets the picture, for everyone it is different. But for your piece of mind, you need to find a way. For your health's sake, you need to find a way. Your environment is really important to your well being. I means alot to your health.
    You have to be good to yourself. And if that means he has to learn how to turn on the bathtub faucet, oh well.


    I'm sending so many hugs that you need to consider yourself smothered. and lol all day long
  14. Debgene56

    Debgene56 New Member

    I can certainly relate!!!! First everone gave such good answers and love and support to you!!!! I have always been strong, that is the only thing that has kept me going. But I stopped being positive along time ago. And it actually aggravates me when I see tv and see all these smiling faces!! Makes me wonder what their on!! I wanted to leave my marriage 15 years ago, but wouldn't because I had younf children and didn't think it would be fair. My husband is ok, but a lump on a log, a grizzly hybernating for the winter type person. He hears me I think, but that is it. I am no longer in love with him, I know what you mean about a hug, my only hugs come from my kids. I would leave now if I was capable of working or had a place to go till I could get on my feet. I would stop doing for him. Just do the normal stuff, cook for everyone and do the laundry.... but anything that you do just for him, I would stop. I have to go outside and down a lot of stairs and down a slippery or muddy hill(Depending on the weather) to do the wash. I have to go down again to turn the machine on a second spin and then again to put in the dryer and again to turn the dryer on (wont dry on one cycle) and then again to bring the laundy back in the house. I was having him do some of it and even the kids(all the running) Of course the kids don't want to do it and my hubby gave these poison looks. So I finally said, get me a new washer and dryer(only have had second hand in 22 years) and put it in the house or do the d-mm laundry yourself. So I get it ready and spray and wash and leave the basket by the door, and he now dose it with out dirty looks, cause he dosen't want to spend the money. So my laundry is always behind. You have enough to deal with without having to be his mom too! Take care of yourself first or you won't be any good to anybody else. Hope this helps. Love, Deb

    The one thing I know in life with out a doubt, if I didn't live in this unhappy marriage like roommates in seperate rooms, and the daily stress of being so unhappy on top of feeling so bad, I know I would be much better equipped to handle this dreaded DD we all share.
    [This Message was Edited on 03/22/2003]
  15. teawah

    teawah New Member

    all the loving responses. As to the question of going to a friends or family members place, I have no friends and my family is out of the question. I can't work and I get 488 on SSI. I pay my bills and wouldn't even have enough to eat with much less pay rent and utilities.

    My hubby is a workaholic who drives truck all night 13 out of 14 days. He sleeps during the day and then starting in the spring through the fall, he has his own business to run. I try to help but I just can't. He says that he can not count on me and I take it as a put down but I know he is telling the truth. I can keep the house clean and cook, but working outside the house, no way. I am in such a fog that I am having a hard time driving. I am so grateful for all of you and for the understanding that I can't get anywhere else in the world but here.

    I am a little better this evening. You have helped me. I love you all so dearly. You are helping me to stay sane when I am really on the edge.

    I really want to see Madwolf. I am trying to figure out how to bring it up to my hb. Does anyone (Shirl or Mikie) how I can get ahold of him to find out how they bill and if they accept Idaho Medicaid or if I need to bring cash? I really need some help and there just isn't any here. The doc I see doesn't want really help me. She gave me 30 Darvocet and told me that if I needed more than that in a month that I should go on more drugs. Is she nuts? I have to take two and then they only work about six hours. She thinks I should take one every eight hours. And they should last a month? She also came in the room, looking at her watch as if she were bored and obviously had somewhere better to be. I can't see anyone else without her permission because of MANAGED CARE. What crap is this?

    I am so fed up. I JUST WANT TO STOP HURTING FOR A WHILE!!!! Does that make me a junkie? Well then I am a junkie.

    Venting again. Forgive me, fog is thick in here.
    Thanx again, teawah
  16. Rene

    Rene New Member

    I am sorry for the pain you're in and that you husband isn't supportive. I stay positive and I am THANKFUL when I get to cook a meal or clean my house and Iron? No way! I live alone and I actually call my mom with excitement with news of cleaning! It would be nice to be able to have more excitement then that but I remember the days I couldn't brush my teeth or even take a shower but 3 times a week and be a complete invalid the rest of the time.

    Being positive is work but after you do it it becomes a habit.
  17. Dara

    Dara New Member

    when I read your post I was thinking of all the things I was going to say in my post to you. But, I think everyone else has said it all. I especially agree with Afeni's posting, her husband sounds just like mine. I do believe that most men are rather selfish and think of their needs before anyone else's. I feel that my husband thinks that if I can't do anything for him then I'm of no use. I also am not working and so far not getting any disability so leaving at this time is out of the question. I just try my best to ignore him and consider the source. Have you ever gone to a support group for Fibromyalgia? If there's one close to you it really could help. If you could find a good group to share ideas and feelings with it really could boost your spirits. I have a very hard time feeling or acting positive, there are days I just don't have anything to be positive about. I had to quit my job that I really liked and was making very good money, and am now reduced down to next to nothing. Besides, why do we think we have to be so positive all the time? I could almost guarantee that if your husband were in your shoes he wouldn't be feeling positive either. It sounds to me as if you do a lot to help out, maybe you should try cutting back and spending that time taking care of yourself, not necesarily physically, but emotionally. I hope you will be able to find some good emotional support.

    Dara
  18. Achy-shaky

    Achy-shaky New Member

    After reading HiRiskRN's and others, it brought to mind something I learned from being a recovering codependent. By any chance is he an alcoholic? Even if he isn't, you do sound very much like a codependent, no offense and maybe I'm wrong but this is something women can become from being raised to believe that the man is in charge, thus causing you to become a man pleaser. I fought with this for years after being abused by ex-husband and what really helped me was a book "Codependent No More & Beyond Codependency" by Melody Beattie. Also the suggestions on joining a women's support group is good...it will help build your self-esteem so you will be able to stand up to him. Many don't understand how hard that is to do for some of us. I know because I came that way so it may take time but I know you can do it. Now is the time for you to pamper yourself, not him!

    You mentioned you may give in and go on some meds - not sure what you meant by that by if you mean antidepressants, please do that. What he says about you taking meds should have no importance...it is your health! I understand the reluctance to get on those but they will help you get through this bad times so please tell your doctor how depressed you've been. If you are already on something you may need to change to another kind.

    Hugs and Blessings to you.
    A.Shaky

  19. catgal

    catgal New Member

    Hi teawah~~I've been going through a difficult time with my man the past couple of months. Luckily, we're not married, but have lived together for 6 years. He used to be a very loving, kind, thoughtful, considerate, understanding man, but he started gambling about 2 years ago, ended up gambling away his good paychecks, and got into serious financial problems. They repossessed his 2 cars this past week, and he is in the process of filing bankruptcy. And, I think he is taking his guilt & frustration out on me. However, he is the only child (54 years old) of very loving parents, and they sent him a $20,000 check this past week so he could go out and buy himself a new car paid in full.

    I work 3 days a week and have FM/CFS, advanced degenerative disc disease with multiple back problems, a cluster of pinched nerves in neck/shoulder area, osteo/psoriatic/rheumatoid arthritis, IBS, severe asthma,allergies, and presently have pneumonia, plursey, and bronchitis. Yet, he's bitched all weekend about why I couldn't go and do all the things he wanted to this weekend. He's fed-up with my always being sick, or too tired, and resting or sleeping on my days off work.

    And I didn't know how in debt he already was 6 years ago when he moved in with me, and didn't know I was going to have to support us on my part-time check. Although he never lifts a finger to help, he is always complaining about why the house isn't clean, or the laundry isn't done, or why he has to do things by himself. And, besides working, struggling every month to pay the bills, doing what cleaning I can, and doing the laundry, plus cooking meals in the evening after I get home from work--I still try and go places with him every weekend even when I need to rest. But, I think he's taking out his gambling guilt & anger on me, and I've about had it. Here I am this weekend sick as a dog with pneumonia, plursey, and bronchitis while all my other ailments are in flare--and he's upset because I didn't feel well enough to go places with him all weekend.

    Just like my man, your husband doesn't appreciate all that you do for him and is a bully. You might start asking yourself--what are YOU getting out of this marriage? I was in a very stressful marriage once, and after I got out of it--I couldn't believe how relieved and happy I was. It was hard getting on my feet at first, but I kept doing what I could, and I made it. Later, he wanted me back--but I said "NO!" Let your hubby run his own bath and lay out his own clothes. Any man who makes you feel worthless isn't worth your time or effort.

    Plus, only you know how much you're hurting every day of your life, and there's no point in suffering. He's not the one who has to live inside your body--you do. So, get some meds that help you to feel better and have a better quality of life. Take control over your own life.

    And, although I try and keep a positive attitude, no one can be positive all the time. You have to give respect to all your feelings, recognize them, and work through them. It's OKAY to feel bad, be sick, have the blues, and not smile all the time. The Creator gave us all these different emotions to feel and express--not deny or hide them. Be true to yourself; do what's best for you--and if hubby don't like it--kick him in the balls and tell him it's mind over matter. And tell him while he's rolling on the floor moaning & groaning that if he was more "positive" he wouldn't have even noticed!

    If you run your life trying to meet someone else's expectations--you are going to wear yourself out and always be disappointed. Think about what you want to do with your life....make a plan....and then begin taking steps to reach your goal. Be your own person.

    Take care and know we all love you and are here for you. Sending you a gentle hug, Carol...

  20. goingslowlycrazy

    goingslowlycrazy New Member

    Teawah hunny, my heart goes out to you.
    I am so very lucky as my partner is a darling and it terrifies me that one day he may get sick of having me around...I feel such a dead weight most of the time.
    I hate it when he and the kids come home and all I have done is nothing and I still feel like death.
    I hate it when people look at me and I can tell they are thinking 'well, she looks ok...' when all I want to do is sleep.
    I hate waking up in the morning, seeing the day stretching ahead like Mount Everest and all I have is roller skates to wear to get me to the top.
    I hate feeling ill.
    I hate not being me anymore.
    I hate having to sit down for an hour after brushing my teeth and washing my face.
    I hate not being able to do anything useful, let alone the hobbies that I used to love.
    I hate it when my kids say 'what did you do today?' and I have nothing to tell them.
    This is all on a 'bad' day.
    Good days are better and they do come along...but for the most part, this DD sucks!!!!!!
    So let it all out hunny - you are among friends here and God knows we all know how you feel.
    Just try the Scarlett approach 'Tomorrow is another day!'
    hugs xxx