Do you spend time with the "what if? " game ????????????????????

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Asatrump, Jan 13, 2008.

  1. Asatrump

    Asatrump New Member

    I am 63, gray, over weight, taking meds for nearly everything. I find nothing normal about my life, from going to sleep to going to the bathroom.

    I find myself in the recliner saying: what if I had chosen a different road 40 years ago? What if I had picked a different career, man, life? What if I had put my mother in her place when I was a teen instead of let her emotionally abuse me?

    I see "Dancing with the Stars" and I think, what if I had married the great dancer?

    I have two kids and wanted them desperately. But at times I have to be honest and wonder, what would the stress level of my life be without them and their families?

    I can picture lectures coming at me saying get a life. Do volunteer work, read a book, take a walk....

    I barely get dressed by 11 am, the least small stress turns into additional pain, so I have all I can do to plan and execute dinner.

    The magazine I bought two weeks ago sits on the table next to my recliner. If I can't pick that up I surely can't focus on a book.

    Not sure why I am writing this.. maybe it is just a huge whine.

    Am I totally alone in my thinking "WHAT IF I HAD MADE DIFFERENT CHOICES???"

    Do I live my life in the past tense? Yes, I am sure I do as I can barely function in the present tense, and have no clue how I will feel in the future tense.

    Go ahead.... probably am over due for some lectures.
  2. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    I'm not going to lecture you!
    What I will say is, I'm not sure marrying the dancer would change your health.
    Would making different choicer guarantee your life would've been better?
    We still have forks in the road every single day - choices to make every single's never too late to make a different choices.

    It's easy for me to say. We all have different outlooks, are in different places. No one can judge where you are.
    I have never taken the easy road (never had the tragedy that many here have lived!), but I like where I am in my life so I don't know if I would've made different choices if I would be as blessed as I am right now. The people in my life are what I am specifically referring to.
    When I haven't liked where I am in my life, it's time for a change. If nothing changes, nothing changes. That may be just a change in attitude. Again, I am speaking of ME - not a lecture to you, in any way at all. When we're speaking about our health, that's a whole 'nother ballgame. So I am not referring specially to that.

    What makes some people "luckier" than others? A lot of it is what family we're born into, where we live, unfortunately, the money we have. When we aren't blessed with those things, we're left to make the most of what we do have. Of course, it's only natural to wonder what life would be like if we'd only had....only done... it's only natural to play the 'what if' game.

    Only for the sake of trying to make you feel a little better, remember if you'd made different choices, there is no guarantee that those choicer would've led to a better life.
  3. fivesue

    fivesue New Member

    If you have a spare recliner, I'll join you! We can sit in our bathrobes and ignore the magazine together. Two of us might be able to get lunch AND dinner together by combining forces.

    I have many times that I go backwards in my mind, re-evaluate every choice I made and see the folly of most, and chide myself that I've gotten what I deserved so what's the beef?

    I guess I go back mainly because I was so naive to think that life was easy, if I followed formulas and lived by the rules, all would be happy and care-free. No problems, no pain, heaven on earth.

    "The rain falls on the just and the unjust alike." Somewhere in the Gospel of Matthew. "There is a time for every season under heaven."

    My own sense is that my idea of normal is a state that doesn't exist in this reality under the sun. I believe that life is hard but God is good. If I didn't believe that, what would be the reason to go on? My grandmother tried to tell me how hard life was, but I refused to believe her, and she had the best attitude of anyone I've ever know except my dad, her son. Maybe that is why I have such a hard time accepting things as they are...they were so positive, I assumed they had no problems. Never said I was smart! (-:

    I don't know. But, no lectures from me, just an acknowlegment of your feelings and your experience. Dear friend, hang in there. You help me often. Thank you.


  4. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    Even on the sunniest of days...I've said to myself..
    life IS hard. You really have to find the happy times.
    It's so full of struggles and difficulties - not the other way around.
    We've all been in your recliner!
  5. joyfully

    joyfully New Member

    As terch said, "It's never to late to be kind to yourself."

    You can't change the past, but you can change the future.

    I know it may sound like an over-used saying, but there is truth to it too.

    Life isn't a dress rehersal. you only get one shot at it. So try something different. Just one thing. Take yourself a little out of your comfort zone and just try something a little different. Be good to yourself. That is important. Soft hugs. Joyfully
  6. jole

    jole Member

    And I would venture to bet that everyone else on this board has too, at one point or another. Everyone would like to change something about their past if we could. And I understand the barely functioning in the present, and the uncertainity of the future, which can get us down if we let it.

    My hubby and I are complete opposites....I worry about everything, he worries about nothing. I feel I carry the load for both of us. But I can tell you one thing, he is not sick!! So if I learn to lighten up maybe my life will be better to some degree....not physically, but mentally.

    Worrying or thinking about things we cannot change is sometimes a waste of time and energy....when we dwell on them too much. BUT reliving beautiful memories is another story, and maybe you could try that avenue when in your recliner unable to do anything else. I get out a few pictures and laugh at the silly things, or go ohhhh at the cute things, or sometimes even shed a tear or two. That too may be living in the past, but it at least involves special moments.

    Best wishes to you - Friends - Jole
  7. jinlee

    jinlee Member

    Just afraid to write my thoughts down... I am 10 years younger than you but otherwise, yes, I have the same thoughts, especially at night when I can't sleep. My neighbor is almost 80 and she has the same thoughts also. I am sure my kids who are in their 20's have the same thoughts also.

    The only thing I am proactive and doing right now is piling up doctor bills. I figure if I get all fixed up now maybe I still have some time to enjoy and do something fun. But I don't see much future in that line of thinking since I have been sick since I was 21 and am so tired of it! I needed to whine a little also. Nothing wrong with whining once in a while.

    I need to do more looking into the future than looking and recounting the past and its decisions. That is a hard thing for me to do right now.

    Jinlee [This Message was Edited on 01/14/2008]
    [This Message was Edited on 01/14/2008]
    [This Message was Edited on 01/14/2008]
  8. Asatrump

    Asatrump New Member

    I think all of our age differences make for different responses. I am 63 and would hardly expect somebody far younger to feel as I do.

    When you realize that the best you had is gone, and probably the worst is yet to come..... it really effects you and changes your perspective and pondering the "what ifs".....

    63 is not the end of the world. I don't think. But it represents a time of life that has already been spent.

    Ten years ago I was substitute teaching, the phone would ring and I would bounce out of bed.

    Bouncing now? Hardly.

    As for trying new things, I simply do not have the strength for that. I have enough trouble trying to do household things. I used to multi task. That is also a thing of the past. The only new thing that lies in my future is possibly a senior citizens group.

    Plus I have stared death in the face this year. My husband of 41 years was retired 27 days and diagnosed with renal cell carcinoma. Yep. I pulled up my bootstraps and did all the things that were necessary. Not by choice but by necessity.

    I seem to be pulling at straws . Looking to close my eyes and relive my life and do things differently. If anybody wants to pull up a recliner next to me, please feel free.

    I entertained many years at nursing homes, no longer doing it because neither my back nor my voice will hold out. Plus I look worse than some of the residents, and they may hold me hostage.~~~~~~~~~~ But a particular song comes to mind.... only us seniors would likely have heard of it. WHEN I GROW TO OLD TO DREAM. I can't get through the words now without tears running down my face. Not in self pity, simply in what is gone. lost..
  9. morningsonshine

    morningsonshine New Member

    I didn't read everyones answers, too tired, but i play the what if game too!!

    But, then i'm reminded who's in charge of every breath i take, and somethings i won't understand here, and decided to trust.
    It's not always easy.

    Love, and prayers,

    Just had another thought, i think it may be a matter of looking forward, or up, instead of backwards too. Thanks i needed that reminder!! LOL
  10. therealmadscientist

    therealmadscientist New Member

    We probably made the best decisions we could with what we knew.

    Perhaps we were merely badly misinformed?

    [This Message was Edited on 01/14/2008]
  11. GApeach2

    GApeach2 New Member

    I try not to focus on the what if's cuz it will make me CRAZY and totally depressed. We made the choices that we made and we just have to learn from them and move on. I'm sure my life would be somewhat different if I had made different choices, but I don't know that I would be any better off or any happier. Remember, the grass always looks greener on the other side, but it isn't always so.

    Hope it helped just getting it off your chest. Try not to dwell on it.

    Take care
  12. DKosmayer

    DKosmayer New Member

    You mean it is not a game...


    I am asking myself that every day! What if I go home and my child is not not having a good day do I have the right mind set to deal it today?

    What if my car does not start how will I get to the sitters and then home before dinner, will be able to pay for it?

    I think everyone can say that they have been there a few times playing that game :(

    Diamond Kosmayer
  13. Ah yes, as I sit in my recliner way too often, the what if's come to me all the time. Not so much as the what if I married different or didn't have kids, theres no complaints there. Not to say what if I dated George Clooney! LOL!

    But my what if is if I didn't have this dd of fibro what a life I could enjoy without horrid pain. Such as walking, running, just doing "normal" things. SIGH!
  14. Asatrump

    Asatrump New Member

    Just wondering how old each of you are. I suspect my "what if" game has a totally different perspective considering my age than some of you.

    I have 63 years to look back on. Until 1995 I was teaching school, breeding dogs, doing a church job, piano lessons after school, and kids were finished college. Had a husband to cook for and do laundry, had a house and a camp to clean and organize.

    The more time I spend in the recliner curled up with a pillow and blanket..... the more I wonder. Maybe if I didn't marry the one I did, maybe if I didn't have kids, maybe if I didn't have an abusive mother.... MAYBE..
  15. lilaclover30

    lilaclover30 New Member

    I AM the senior citizen of the board. I am 77! Sometimes i have to stop and realize that I am, that age. My DH has had many many difficult physical things happen in his life and he is 83! Yes, we have been married 58 years and the Good Lord willing, we will be able to add to that in Nov.

    Yes, I have thought of that game but ----------- what good has it done me? We have 3 wonderful and successful children and spouses, 9 adult grandchildren and 2 of the most precious great grandchildrenj.

    No, our lives have not been easy, far from it. DH has gone through leg amputation, 3 heart attacks, heart by-pass surgery, prostrate cancer. We got "downsized" where we were employed not too many years ago. But when I look at what we have, I am thankful. Our house is old and as a friend said, "it looks like a grandma's house".

    I don't mean to put you down - no, there are times I would like to sit next to you in a recliner and cry. Life takes us each on a different path and this winding path is the path I choose many years ago.

    is therer as seniors group that ayou can join? Do you have fri8ends that you can cry with? Then maybe laugh with?

    The only thing that I regret right now is the weather! It is to be below 0 this weekend with a minus 0 Windchill.

    Wish I lived somewhere warm or could be a "snowbird".

    I do sing in the church choir even though it is like climbing a ladder to get into the choir loft. We do belong to a Senior Citizen ;group, and you know, they are fun!!

    God Bless you and I do hope that you can find something to do that will give you a bit of cheer!!!!

    Gentle Hugs,



    yes, I do know WHEN I GROW TOO OLD TO DREAM". i learned it when i was just in middle school on my Grandma's piano. She had the sheet music and I learned to play it. I also learned all of the words. In fact, I inherited all the family music and it is in my music cabinet, just a few feet away. I never dreamed there was anyone who ever heard of that song. I love it.

    "Your Love will live in My Heart" Remember?????

    Again, we all love you and know how you feel.Talk to us again when you feel this way

    [This Message was Edited on 01/15/2008]
  16. kellyann

    kellyann New Member

    No lecture from me either.
    Have you ever heard of hind sight is 20/20? If I only knew then what I know now! Of course I made stupid, silly mistakes when I was young. I didn't know any better. But I ended up with some beautiful children that I might not have if I could do it all over again. So I guess there was a payoff for all the madness I put up with in my second marriage. My first husband was killed in a car wreck. We were both 19 nyears old at the time. I was pregnant with my second baby at the time. Would I change this if I could? If I could go back in time and prevent him from getting in that car, you bet I would. I guess things happen for a reason and I will see him again when I get to heaven.
    It really doesn't do us much good to play the what if game,
    I suppose we should be playing the "What now" game instead.
    Thanks for posting this, it has really got me to thinking about things!

    Take Care!
  17. bohemia

    bohemia New Member

    hi, what if?

    63 is just a number, it's how you feel in your heart.
    do what you love the most & be good at it.

    try new things, i'm 55 & i've always loved to dance. i never had the opprtunity to tkae dancing lessons until 8 yrs. ago. now i dance like ????
    every summer i take dancing lessons just to catch up. it's good exercise, i make friends & i feel good about myself, i feel appreciated, young, beautiful, loved & best of all , alive.

    i also work outside the home, the kids are gone, my hubby is never home, soooooooo what do i do, i dance, dance, dance. you say you watch dancing w/ the stars, so do i.

    the family, stress, bills, problems, bad health will not disapear, only you have the will,courage & power to bring change in your life, no one else will do it for you.
    no one has to know your taken lessons.
    & believe me, you will forget about all those problems & you will probably live longer too.

    don't live in the past, you can't change it, but you can live for today & change tomorrow.

    keep me informed.
    stay in touch,
    [This Message was Edited on 01/16/2008]
  18. Asatrump

    Asatrump New Member

    I don't want to live in the past, I would just like my youth to re do it.

    So glad you are on the Happy Street and Dance Avenue. I shall have to look for you over on the Sunny Side of the Street.
  19. bohemia

    bohemia New Member

    hi 63 years young,

    and how was your day? tell me good things, because i know you can do it!!!!!

    so glad you answered back. tomorrow is friday night & you know what that means!!!!!!!!!! bohemian night. i will tell you all about it saturday.

    i also, love to go to the movies all by myself. i keep some candy & a bottle of water in my big bag & just relax & enjoy the movie, sometimes i see two movies in one night, i get home at 2:30 am & my hubby is fast asleep he does'nt even notice! i'm dying to see the latest movie "atonement" & i highly recommend you to see the movie, "evening" & the notebook,you will cry.
    i just love to see drama movies w/ a message in them, they motivate me.

    i work in a after school center(18 yrs.) & the kids keep me active & young. after school is over i will con't to work in "summer camp" then in aug. school starts & i will con't working in the after school center. but, mean time, i'm already planning to take my dancing lessons in june after school is out.

    my daughter is not into music but my son is & my hubby is not a dancer, boo, hoo.

    i have 3 grandchildren & we have danced the day away. they love it.

    take care,
    stay in touch,

    [This Message was Edited on 01/17/2008]
  20. bohemia

    bohemia New Member

    hi young lady,

    went out dancing , had a nice evening w/ my dear friends, danced a little. had a little drink & lots & lots of water. we talked about issues, mostly about life. got home at 2:00am.

    overall, had a relaxating time.

    take care,