I struggle from time to time, just break down, that no one I know seems to understand how sick I am and the loneliness that comes with decreased activity (even my small family, just my husband and 2 daughters). I went to the dentist yesterday and she said she heard the news about XMRV on NPR. I said yes, I really hope this is going to be the year (2010) that I find out what is wrong with me and get treatment. I should have felt good that she remembered I have CFS and was concerned. But I felt worse because I compared myself to her and her staff running around all healthy and laughing...and working! It made me cry later. I miss working in an office, as much as I hated it, because at least there was someone who knew you existed every day. At home, I am suffering from severe loneliness and sadness not being part of life. And I felt worse because my hunger for XMRV to end the mystery for us may not pan out and I know it. All the advice for seasonal blues is to get out and help somebody or volunteer, it'll make you forget about yourself, but I've been having trouble even taking care of my own daily activities like going to the bank and post office, and keeping house, much less working in my art studio. I get agoraphobic, not because of the outside, but because I have to navigate out there, get confused, get emotional, stressed or pushed around or have to wait in a long line and I can't handle that right now. This comes and goes. I don't feel like this all the time. Mostly when a flare has me down for the count. And another thing... my posts seem coherent so no one knows how bad my typos are and how many words i have to fix before i hit send. My fingers don't work together or hit the right keys. But by the time I post, I've fixed it all. I think that's one of the reasons people think of us as better than we think we are. We are really good at hiding all this. Most days I try to keep my spirits up. Sometimes I can't.