does anyone ever think ,that there's no way i could live another

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by janbolee, Aug 27, 2006.

  1. janbolee

    janbolee New Member

    I've been struggling with fibromyalgia for the past 8 yrs.and I have osteoarthritis,carpal tunnel syndrome,lumbar impairments due to cervical fusion 15 yrs ago when I was broadsided by a druck driver and have only 40 percent usage of my left side,and I have severe arthritis in my rt dominent hand which has permenant nerve damage due to carpal tunnel sydrome,depression,insomia,severe back pain constantly never lets up.I take vicodine,zanax,trazodone and flexiril,and constantly using heating pad.everynight I pray that god can cure this awlful disease I have a great 14 yr old son whom is my reason to live and god also.I feel i've lost me i can't be the mom i was,and to that i feel that i;ve let my son down,he deserves so much more not this replacement of a mom.i used to do everything with him,play ball,video games,amazement parks,swimming.now he takes care of me he cleans up the house,dishes,vacums,and he never complains.the only thing he has ever said in regards to this horrific change is mom" i hate this disease it's not fair your a good person why you mom? and i just said" son god choses things for people good and bad it's to make us stronger,but I keep telling god I'm strong enough now please give me and my son back our lives.because it's not only me suffering it's my boy and that's the hardest thing for me,I don't want him to suffer for something I have.I just want his happiness back,and that smile that could light up broadway.sorry I've been ranting on just been so lonely and isolated.I also was denied twice by social security because of my age,and education I'm 43 and i feel like i'm 70.disease does'nt discriminate but social security does I go for a hearing in front of a judge I hope he agrees with my dr.s thanks for listening.god bless us all yours truly janice
  2. Mgoblue201

    Mgoblue201 New Member

    It probably is tough sometimes, but I think almost anybody would bend over backwards to take care of someone they love. And he certainly wouldn't blame you for something you can't control. Your words were so personal they made my heart break, but I think everybody has the strength to make it through each day no matter how much it hurts. You have to remember no one will blame you for having to endure this.
  3. Shannonsparkles

    Shannonsparkles New Member

    There are days when all there is to do is to lie there and suffer. I can't watch TV. I can't read. I can't sleep. I can't think straight. All there is is the horrible pressure of the fatigue holding me flat down (fatigue doesn't even describe it) and the kind of tunnel vision that says, "This is how it is. This is how it will be."

    I'm 24, and I don't remember healthy. I was never healthy. There were a few years in my early childhood when I was more mobile. This is how it is for me.

    I have food. I have water. I have shelter and clothing. But I am alone through most of the day. I can't make plans for the future. I am housebound. It's hard to walk. On a good day I can phone my friends, watch a re-run or two, read a little, and come here. Then I draw a smiley face on the calendar to remind me that I had a good day.

    On the worst days, I wait until it's bedtime. Then I go to sleep, sooner or later (meds). I remind myself that some days are not as bad as this one was, and I may get lucky tomorrow. I write what I'm feeling, I keep a symptom journal, and I pray all the time. I keep on making efforts to get medical help, and sometimes the docs really do have something that can help. Just the act of trying to get better is comforting in a way.

    Also, I am blessed with memory loss. Today is the only day to me. Anything before 20 minutes ago kind of grays out. Remarkable incidents stand out in my mind, like that good salad I had yesterday, or a line of poetry I like. I don't think about the future either. I do my best each day to work for a positive, better future. And then I don't dwell on what may be. With all the variety of treatments and doctors I am trying, something may work. In the meantime, I try to be content.

    Sorry, guess I'm off on a ramble.

    You're a caring mom, and that matters most. Keep trying for help, any kind of help. There are always new treatments, diets, pills, docs to try. I hope that this judge will grant you social security. It sounds like you have a wonderful son. He sees how hard you are working and how much you love him. That's being a good mom!
    ((janice))
  4. charlenef

    charlenef New Member

    daughter feels and im sure your son feels the same way. we were watching tv and a ad came on for wife swap. my daughter looked at me and said i hope you dont do that i ask why not? you would have a new mommy for a week that could do things with you like i use to.she replied i would miss you to much the main thing that keeps me going is my children. charlene
    [This Message was Edited on 08/28/2006]
  5. janbolee

    janbolee New Member

    I just wanted to thank you and all the other nice people out there,who care enough to take the time and just listen.it's really weird how it takes something so terrible to bring total strangers together as one to share their feelings,that we can't share we family because they don't understand what we're going through.I'm very grateful that I found this site,you people are heaven sent,it's just such a relief to be able to talk with someone who knows how you feel and what your going through. My son bless his heart he's been through so much and he lost his dad about 4yrs ago,and now we have to deal this disease with me.but he's a freshman this year and I have assured him mom's going to live to see my great grand children,he is such a blessing and i know god gave me the honor to be his mom and for that i'm truly blessed,and every day i thank god for my son,through all this suffering day in and out I just live one day at a time,it actually took this disease for me to really realize live each day to it's fullist,sorry about spelling sometimes I can't remember how to spell the simpliest words fibro fog" anyway it's really scarey the way the mind works with this disease,sometimes can't remember what i was saying,can't remember how to spell,and forget about remembering names,I was always very good at spelling and i was a math major in college.so it's hard excepting the losses of myself it seems like i lose a little piece of me everyday,and I keep trying to hold on to somethings,but i guess you just can't help it........but I've explained this disease to my son,of what i know about it.how can they say they don't know where it comes from and it's not curable,and tell me if they don't know that much about it,how can they say it's not fatal. to many people mostly women have it so where do you think it comes from?I'm just so glad i have god in my life and my wonderful son,because he's my reason for not throwing in the towel"as so to speak.every day the only reason for me not becoming bed ridding is my son,i just love him so much and i make sure i tell him that at list 20 times a day and i give he lots of hugs . and I could'nt have picked a better son,for that is my reason for living and i know all you mom's feel the way i do about your kids.I'm ranting on again,sorry thanks for listening and if ever anyone wants to vent,I'm a good listener toooo. GOD Bless yours truly janice
    [This Message was Edited on 08/29/2006]
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