Does anyone every hit the wall of bricks w/your spouse?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Lynda B., Aug 23, 2002.

  1. Lynda B.

    Lynda B. New Member

    1. Healthly Food - Catch 22. It takes going to the grocery store. That can sometimes be my one activity for the day if I do amy fmaily's shopping for the week. It tires me out. Then my husbank is sure that I would be healthier if I ate healthier. I don't have much argument with that but if I take the time to cook a good well-balanced meal, I am sooo tired that I am not hungry and simply go lay down and go to sleep. Not to mention if I take out the foods I shouldn't eat for high chol./tri, FMS, vulvodynia (stuff with vit. C), and foods that get my IBS going--what does that leave? This is not easy. AND when he cooks, he takes the easy meals like eggs and pancakes, hotdogs, spaghetti with sauce in a bottle. I get this lecture all of the time. I agree with him. He just thinks it is all so easy to do.

    2. Exercise - "My muscles probasbly hurt because I don't use them enough." That may be true at times. Pain comes and goes on its own cycle. Actually, my body hurts no matter what I do. If I put exercise into the equation for the day then I might find it difficult to get to meals or the household bills or whatever. Depending where I am on the pain cycle. My piont being--'It is not easy." Yes, I need to move around, stretch, exercise when I can and as much as I can depending on my body BUT our equation of life is a tough one. We are talking algebra not adding and substracting.

    3. I know that in his pretty little head he thinks he would have this all figured out if he had been the one to go to the doctors. He is STILL in denial that no one really understands why we have this disease/disorder. So he is always telling me I should find a doctor(s) that can tell me the whys, etc. I explain to him all of the time that we are not there yet on research in the world plus all of us are so different. One hundred different people are taking and doing 100 different things and hoping it will help.

    4. "You aren't getting better." Did he forget I had early menopause at 37? Lost a gallbladder at 30? Have vulvodynia? Have high chol/tri which is moslty contributed to genetics? Am know 40 not 30 years old? Raised two children which takes alot of the body?Have been suicidal once or twice? Suffer from depression?

    It all seems so hard to me and so easy to him. To him it is all about "choices." Choices are part of this but certainly I did not ask for alot of it. I need to made smart choices but it can be very hard to figure that equation. I am no idoit. I read. Get my newletters. Get on the internet. Read books. Build my support group, etc.

    Just ranting. Anyone else get those idiotic responses from the person who should understand you best?

    Lynda B.
  2. Lynda B.

    Lynda B. New Member

    1. Healthly Food - Catch 22. It takes going to the grocery store. That can sometimes be my one activity for the day if I do amy fmaily's shopping for the week. It tires me out. Then my husbank is sure that I would be healthier if I ate healthier. I don't have much argument with that but if I take the time to cook a good well-balanced meal, I am sooo tired that I am not hungry and simply go lay down and go to sleep. Not to mention if I take out the foods I shouldn't eat for high chol./tri, FMS, vulvodynia (stuff with vit. C), and foods that get my IBS going--what does that leave? This is not easy. AND when he cooks, he takes the easy meals like eggs and pancakes, hotdogs, spaghetti with sauce in a bottle. I get this lecture all of the time. I agree with him. He just thinks it is all so easy to do.

    2. Exercise - "My muscles probasbly hurt because I don't use them enough." That may be true at times. Pain comes and goes on its own cycle. Actually, my body hurts no matter what I do. If I put exercise into the equation for the day then I might find it difficult to get to meals or the household bills or whatever. Depending where I am on the pain cycle. My piont being--'It is not easy." Yes, I need to move around, stretch, exercise when I can and as much as I can depending on my body BUT our equation of life is a tough one. We are talking algebra not adding and substracting.

    3. I know that in his pretty little head he thinks he would have this all figured out if he had been the one to go to the doctors. He is STILL in denial that no one really understands why we have this disease/disorder. So he is always telling me I should find a doctor(s) that can tell me the whys, etc. I explain to him all of the time that we are not there yet on research in the world plus all of us are so different. One hundred different people are taking and doing 100 different things and hoping it will help.

    4. "You aren't getting better." Did he forget I had early menopause at 37? Lost a gallbladder at 30? Have vulvodynia? Have high chol/tri which is moslty contributed to genetics? Am know 40 not 30 years old? Raised two children which takes alot of the body?Have been suicidal once or twice? Suffer from depression?

    It all seems so hard to me and so easy to him. To him it is all about "choices." Choices are part of this but certainly I did not ask for alot of it. I need to made smart choices but it can be very hard to figure that equation. I am no idoit. I read. Get my newletters. Get on the internet. Read books. Build my support group, etc.

    Just ranting. Anyone else get those idiotic responses from the person who should understand you best?

    Lynda B.
  3. CindyH35

    CindyH35 New Member

    Hi--this is the first time I have responded to a message board but your letter compelled me to do so. I have the same problem with my husband and children. It would be so nice to have a book addressed to families to know how to deal with these problems. I have fibromyalgia, cfs, early menopause (age 33) due to vaginal cancer etc. I have also cared for my elderly grandmother and now my mother. I am so stressed out I feel as I am going to explode! If anyone has any answers, please let me know!!

    Thanks!
    CindyH35
  4. MicheleF

    MicheleF New Member

    Both of you may want to order the patient guide (1st post on every page) if you haven't done so. Also, I asked my husband to come with me to my first rheumy appt. and that helped him alot. I gave my boys (19 & 13) pamphlets I'd gotten from my dr's office, and then shared the patient guide when it came. I continue to "leave" interesting articles in their bathroom & in ours, & the coffee table in the liv. room for them to view at their leisure...lol

    My husband is very supportive, my boys are usually supportive. I did have to have a little heart to heart w/ my 13 yr old about his attitude & how some days he needed to try harder. His attitude, which had gotten him into trouble well before I became ill...lol...has gotten better since our chitchat.

    As far as meals, have you tried on a good day making a large batch of something you like & freezing it for those days when you're not up to it?

    I'm sure others will have some suggestions for you. This is a fantastic board with lots of info avail from the library and the caring members here. Best wishes to you both. Michele

  5. Shirl

    Shirl New Member

    I believe all of us go through this with our families, and friends too.

    I am pass that stage, but I have had Fibro for 20 years now. I read my very healthy husband Devin Starlanyl's whole book! Each morning he got a few chapters with his breakfast untill he heard it all.

    All he kept saying was, that sounds just like you! I gave my three children each a copy of Dr. Teitelbaum's book 'From Fatique to Fantastic' to understand me, and to be sure to get help if they got any of these symptoms right away.

    As for that grocery shopping, is it possible for your husband to do the main part of it for the week? Thats what we do now.

    He does all the big stuff from the Wal-Mart and the Feed Store (we have five dogs) alone.
    Then I go with him for the small shopping in small stores so that I don't exaust myself, and only have to be in the store a short time. He also pushes the cart, which will give me pain in the upperback and shoulders seriously bad.

    Lynda, you have a lot of medical problems that I don't have, so I cannot help with some of them.

    As for the food, he eats what he wants, and I eat what I can have! My foods are limited too if I want my stomach to stay settled.

    Hope both of you find some answers, its a tough life with these illnesses.

    Shalom, Shirl





  6. jeanann

    jeanann New Member

    When i first got diagnosed with the first part of this illness IC i was in so much pain. I was angry, tired, i hurt all over and i was very very scared. Its been about 1 year since i have really started to understand my illness and what it means for me to be sick. For me, it doesn't help me to be angry, intolerant and impatient with folkes. This upsets me and keeps me stress. I find for me I have to be understanding instead of understood. now i am not sayong i am perfect with it but i try to be as nice as i can. I take care of me. If it is too hard to shop for all i shop for me and take care of myself first. If they don't understand they will. Just say sorry I just did not feel good and let them order pizza that night. Its not an everyday event. Bye food for just one day. I have had to learn to take it easier with myself, I am my greatest critic, judge and jury. I expect too much from myself and i think others exect from me too. They don't they just love me. Welcome
    jean ann
  7. cookiebaby

    cookiebaby New Member

    Hi Lynda: I'm fairly newly diagnosed and have only had a heart-to-heart talk with my hubby about my limitations just about 6 weeks ago. He's acknowledged that he realizes that I can't do as much as I used to -- and that he's OK with doing more, even though he knows that he will probably complain about when he's tired and has had a bad day, etc. But he told me that I shouldn't feel guilty about it because he knows that I'd do the same for him if the situation were reversed. All that said, when he IS tired and is feeling like he's doing more than his share, which is a lot of the time -- it's hard for me NOT to feel guilty. So what do I do? Usually I end up doing more than I should and overly tired and with a flare-up or catching a cold or virus. It sucks! I'm hoping that I can learn to accept that he's going to feel overburdened and complain about it without me feeling like I have to overdo to make up for the situation.

    It's so hard to accept the limitations for both of us. I have to choose between doing something with him, like going somewhere on the weekend, to a mall or furniture-shopping, etc. and doing regular chores. Chances are I'm not going to be able to do both, even if I do one on Sat. and one on Sun. and still be able to go to work again on Monday. Some nights I have to choose between washing up the dishes that don't go in the dishwasher or just relaxing so that I can get up the next day and go to work. Since my hubby fixes supper most evenings I don't really expect him to do the clean-up as well.

    Take care -- Cookiebaby
  8. blast

    blast New Member

    I have had this ugly DD for 5 years now and he is just starting to get it. (FMS?CFS)
    Try making dinners that you have had previously prepared on a good day, and eating out is o.k., just try to find healthy restaurants, then fast food sometimes. That is our biggest go about FOOD!
    My hubby is also sick with renal failure, so it's hard to ask a lot out of either one of us. Our 11 year old daughter is a saint as is our 3 yr old. They know mommy and daddy are sick and they except it!
    I always do grocery shopping on a good day and get it out of the way. buy as much as you can, or go together, or have him go, My hubby does most of the grocery shopping and I tend to the kids. Try trading off some things and see how that goes. (Buy a lot of frozen dinners the healthy choice ones they are good!)
    Good luck,
    Blast
  9. nje

    nje New Member

    i understand your predicament,for 1 reason, your husband or anyone else for that matter that has not walked in your shoes, does not and will not ever have a clue to what we are dealing with. i made my hubby go with me to my rheumy doc.and my doctor point blank told him, yes she is sick, yes she is feeling all these things she says she feels,since then he has tried to be more helpful. but still when i don`t feel up to going out with him somewhere or some little something that he`ll get mad about, then i get so mad, because i did not ask for this, i would not wish it on my worst enemy. and how in the world do those of you that work, do it? i`ve applied for disability, way before i knew i had fibro,i have a lawyer,so i have a good chance. but most fibro people i talk to aren`t working, yet tonight i`ve read 2 or 3 articles where they say they are holding down jobs and trying to manage a home and kids. i get tired walking from the bed to the couch every morning,i`m completely done in if i do more than 1 load of washing at a days time. i have hired help to do the heavy housekeeping,we eat out a lot,or bring it in, because sometimes i`m so tired i`d rather rest than eat.but the way i have to look at this, and you all should too, is take care of yourself because nobody else is going to. you have to look out for you, when you have a disease like this,because people in general whom are never sick, don`t understand, don`t want to understand,can not possibly,in any way empathize with you. they have to walk in your shoes first,and most of them never will, because this is a rare and strange disease so i say bump them, and take care of myself,because i know how i feel, they don`t. so don`t ever feel like you have to be sorry for having this disease because lady, you didn`t give it to yourself and i`m sure if you`d had a choice you wouldn`t have chose it for yourself either, as wouldn`t any of us.well thats all i got to say about that,as Forest Gump said,lol. hope this letter helps you clarify some things. hope you have a good weekend, nje.
  10. kadywill

    kadywill New Member

    My husband went to my first three Rheumy appts. and STILL has trouble with the problems associated with this DD! It's so hard for him to adjust to my CONSTANT complaints. Up until tonight, he has been my sole support system. Maybe since I've found this site, I can talk here instead of to him. Everything you said, I can empathize with! I am so sorry someone else has to live this way! I am a nurse and I deal with other's complaints gladly...why can't anyone deal with mine??? I know I am feeling sorry for myself, but I am so tired of this endlessness.
  11. teach6

    teach6 New Member

    He was sure I was making up all my symptoms and since the docs were basically telling me the same thing that seemed to validate his thoughts, in his twisted mind. So he left me and I'm happier. Now he actually tells people that I have CFS and they shouldn't call me too early in the morning because I may not be up. Doesn't bother me, I never turn on the ringer in my room anyway!

    Barbara
  12. herblady

    herblady New Member

    my problem with my hubby the nurse is that he doesn't believe in fm. and i thought he was coming around and being supportive but i found out he is telling the kids (adults) that it is b.s. this makes me very angry. i don't need to be humored, just supported. this is the only place i have any real support except for my dr., who is great. i know lots of us have this problem. cindi
  13. Menolisongster

    Menolisongster New Member

    Sorry to hear about your problem.
    My husband and children are very supportive. They are the ones to point out that if I do something strenuous that I will hurt. Then they take over the really hard stuff. They have changed their diets to match mine as much as is humanly possible.
    Both children are adults with families of their own but I still get bi-weekly calls to check up on me, and my health. I am sorry for others who do not have this type of support but I think it takes time and work from both sides to reach this point. We have been married for 26 years and we fit comfortably together. Talk or silence are both comfortable.
    take care and good luck.
    menoli
    abahabic to many
  14. herblady

    herblady New Member

    actually my kids are sympathetic. they don't necessarily listen to their daddy. they don't understand fm but are sympathetic when i'm sick. cindi

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