Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by busybusymom, Oct 14, 2005.

  1. busybusymom

    busybusymom New Member

    I need to vent. I have the most selfish, passive-aggressive husband around. He makes plans around himself without even ASKING me if I have plans (not that I would - I've lost all my friends to this stupid CFS). He has the next three days "off," yet he is going hunting tomorrow till dark, going to King Tut exhibit on Sunday, and scheduled to work overtime his three days "off" (graveyards). He just makes the plans and does them. I find him very inconsiderate.

    To make matters more aggravating, he took five days off this past week because HE wanted to go to Pismo (which I told him was too long of a drive for me - yet I would have been stuck home alone if I didn't go). We were there Monday through Wednesday afternoon. I got carsick, I pushed myself to a movie (haven't been to one in over a year), walked the shops, ate out, etc. I got carsick on the way home in the car. On Thursday, I took my daughter to get her Halloween costume, cleaned my house, picked up dinner and watched my three kids so he could work all day. Today I drove myself to a doctor's appt (I've been working real hard not to ask him anymore to take me - GUILT), cleaned house again, did loads of laundry, took care of my daughter, made dinner. What makes me angry and upset is that I get no "pat on the back" for making the trip, and doing all the things I did the past two days. Over and over I have told him I need his acknowledgement on what I CAN DO, not what I CANNOT DO.

    Do any of you feel this way? My therapist tells me that he will never change and to forget about getting his "pats on the back." This guy is my husband, not a neighbor or acquaintance. I am just so angry with him right now. I can't leave him - he would take everything, and I can't work.

    Thanks for the vent ---

  2. auntcon

    auntcon New Member

    I'm so sorry you are having a rough time. I've also lost so many "friends" to this dd.

    I so understand about getting car sick... I didn't used to get so sick... I can get car sick on a straight road now!
    I don't drive because I'm so dizzy I'd be on the sidewalk
    You do tons more than I could even think of SO TRUST ME YOU HAVE LOADS OF PATS ON THE BACK FROM ME

    I KNOW how difficult it is to just take care of the kiddos --mine are teens and just need instruction and encouragment!!!

    I've found that people who have never had to suffer (pain-being so tired that you feel like your fingernails have a ton on each one---etc)
    REALLY can not understand - I don't think they are being selfish just not understanding they can't put themselves in your place. Does he know how much pain you are in... the number system is the best to try to explain.

    If he is just really selfish then do what YOU can do
    YOU BE SELFISH!!! YOU take care of YOU - don't wait for him to help you - (Hire someone to help with the house and laundry if you can.)
    Relish staying at home by yourself!!!

    (we just got a Marquee Theater---the seats recline!!!! that's a great way to watch a movie--but I don't go much either.

    This is a great place to vent and I think we all have someone in our lives that just doesn't get it - and that is hurtful that they won't validate our feelings and condition.
    (I hope this has been encouraging 'cause there's a lot of that to be found here - but when you're in a FF it's hard to know if you said it right
  3. busybusymom

    busybusymom New Member

    Thanks for the words of encouragement - I am in tears!!

    I have thought about getting someone in to help me out, but he doesn't think I need anyone, because I have a teenager who he thinks can help out - which he can, but I don't think it would be fair to him. There are times when I ask my kids to help out and they are usually pretty good about it.

    Churchmom, I envy you. I think the best gift we can be given is the support of our spouse. Where did you find him?????!!!

    Connie, you are right - unless you experience a health crisis, it is hard for someone who is as healthy as a horse to understand. I do appreciate that fact, but I guess I'm just different. I was in nursing school 19 years ago - I have that compassion in me. Oh, well. I think tomorrow I will be selfish and do something for me - not sure what yet, but maybe it will make me feel better...

    I hope you both have a great and healthy-as-can-be weekend!


  4. iriegirl

    iriegirl New Member

    I too have one of those terribly selfish, self-serving husbands who is only concerned with himself. Mine too plans things without talking to me. This wasn't really bad until after we got married (just 15 months ago!). Now it's really unbearable. He knew I was sick WAY before we married, and I'm feeling much better now than I ever have (lupus in remission - FMS not). I think we need to just think about the day we can leave this guy. That's the only thing that keeps me going. I'm going to try to find a job, as no amount of pain can be worse than what he puts me through on a daily basis. He even calls me a "drug addict" because I have to take my medicine. When we get in a fight, he says, "Why don't you take another pill!!!" There are plenty of great men out there, I had some as friends before he made me get rid of them all. I know the problem probably is that you are stuck. But, you are never so stuck that if you get creative, and with others help, that you can't at least make a plan to get out.

    Like Dr. Phil says, I'd rather be happy alone, than miserable together. At some point, you've got to ask yourself if it's worth it. If not, find someway to escape, I know that's what I'm going to do!

    I'm really happy (and envious) of the women that do have a wonderful, supportive husband. But, that's the way it's supposed to be, not the way we are living, Jennifer!

    - Deby (iriegirl)
  5. busybusymom

    busybusymom New Member

    Yes, I like Dr. Phil's advice, but I need to be able to work first!! I was hoping this year I could go back. I turn 40 (eeekkkk!!!) in 3 months - maybe that will be my year!!

    The number scale is a good idea. Unfortunately, that would go in one ear and out the other with regards to my husband. Ugggghhh!!

  6. busybusymom

    busybusymom New Member

    Yes, I like Dr. Phil's advice, but I need to be able to work first!! I was hoping this year I could go back. I turn 40 (eeekkkk!!!) in 3 months - maybe that will be my year!!

    The number scale is a good idea. Unfortunately, that would go in one ear and out the other with regards to my husband. Ugggghhh!!

  7. goaska29

    goaska29 New Member


    I know I probably can't completely understand the complexities of all this within a marriage and with kids, but I've been through a few pretty awful boyfriends with this. As soon as things started to get bad, they'd just jet. I'm talking a boyfriend of 5 years, just up and left after 1 month of illness. I am incredibly lucky to have a very understanding, supportive boyfriend currently, but I live with the fear everyday that it's the last day he wants to deal with all this.

    I don't think anyone can really understand the frustrations until they are faced with a complex illness like ours. I also think (in my naive 26 years) that men think a lot of women over-exaggerate their feelings (whether they be physical or emotional). There are some few exceptions that some of us are lucky to have come across, but it's hard to make people understand. I know my father and brother think I'm just being lazy or something, but at least my mom is there to yell at them and explain that this is all real. I've just noticed that women have an easier time sympathizing (at least in my life).

    Ok, I coming off as a man-hater, so I'll stop now. I do hope your husband comes around and realize how lucky he is to have someone that is willing to go through so much just for him to have a little vacation. In the meantime, we're here whenever you need us. My thoughts are with you.

  8. rileyearl

    rileyearl New Member

    I'm so sorry you are being treated so badly by someone who is supposed to love and support you.

    My counselor told me the same thing after my husband and I went for help. She said he's not going to change and all I had to do was make a decision--do I want to live like that or not. It's kind of funny because that statement really helped me accept how he behaves. Since I've become really sick with fm, he's picked up the slack and done a lot more than I would have expected. The house still looks like one of those condemned places in New Orleans and he still doesn't bring any money home, but he is doing everything for our son and helps me as much as he can.

    You are afraid you can't leave because he would get everything. How can that be? You do everything except for make money. I think if you find the best divorce attorney in your area--a real litigator, you will be able to come out really well. You are sick, he is abusive. You need a place to live, he can earn more money and get his own place. Your husband has bullied you into believing you need him and that he will take everything if you leave. No truth at all in that!

    The other thing I would do is to apply for SSD or SSI or whatever it's called right away. The payments go retroactive to when you first applied. Or maybe you've already done that. I'm sure there are lots of people here who could advise you.

    The most important thing is to remember how stress affects this dd. It's like being poisoned to have someone treat you in a way that he knows will cause you stress/pain. Stress and pain are really the same for us. It's against the law to poison someone.

    I hope I haven't overstepped here. I have a long resume of relationships with exactly the wrong man and know how it feels to be treated so badly.

    Please keep us posted. Here's a hug!


  9. ScooterD

    ScooterD New Member

    I just came aboard this forum tonight (Hi Everyone!) and your "vent" really hit home. One of those "Been there Done That" moments I guess. So here goes my very first hope to help reply...
    Living with a very similar situation several years ago, and the stress from it all nearly killing me, I finally came to the conclusion that: Men simply cannot handle what they can't fix. In this case, your illness. Some will rant and rave about all the things you should do or shouldn't do - because he can't "fix" you, he has to think of ways YOU should be able to. Now it's your fault and he has done nothing wrong. He let's go of the responsibility of being "fix-all man" - he feels better, you feel worse. You start wondering if it really is your fault....
    This usually turns into the "I can't fix the problem so I'm going to walk away from it." Sometimes they are "absent" from our world for a short time, maybe a day or two. They're there...but it's like living with roomate you just met. And then there's the "sabbatical." They are gone so much you wonder if you'll have to be re-introduced the next time you see each other.
    Then there's the problem of wanting the "old you." My brother is an expert at this one. He will diminish how I'm feeling ("oh, I have bad days too!" ya right....)He doesn't want to know about it, won't ask about it, won't accept it, blah blah blah. All he wants is the old me - the goofy, life of the party, good ol' time me. Yeah, well, don't we all. So he lives in denial, and guess what this leads to....the absent/sabbatical behavior! ( least their consistent!)
    Once I figured all this out, I had to make a decision. I either had to totally accept and live with the way they are and not let it get to me; or if their behavior has such a negative impact on my well-being, I was the only one to take the necessary steps needed to remove myself from the situation. Easy? Hell no. Between the low self esteem, the guilt, the what if's, etc. you really have to rely on someone to help you. Decide what you really want to work for; dig deep - what do YOU really want?
    Well, now that I have probably written the longest reply from a newbie on record, I wonder if my ramblings even helped you. Whatever you are feeling right now, PLEASE know you are not alone, you do have options to work all of this out.
    I'm proud of you for having the strength to express yourself, not holding it inside of you. (that would qualify as a pat on the back from me!)
    Gentle Hugs, Brenda
    (does hubby go with you to your therapist?)
  10. hdbubblehead

    hdbubblehead New Member

    WE have a terminal disease because there is no cure, yet.

    I agree about Dr. Phil's honest questions and this is my daily eye opener......

    I feel very sad and mad for ya. just know there is someone (lots of us) who know what you're living with.
    You are supposed to take care of yourself first or you
    will not be able to take care of others.
    You must be a terrific Mom to handle all you are doing
    for your babies.

    MY STORY- quickly...
    MY husband, # 4, knew most of my medical conditions
    Lupus was the worse at the time, when we married.
    When i was diagnosed with Spinal Stenosis, narrowing of the spinal cord, and surely a ticket for a wheelchair or worse, well, he divoriced me and left. his reason was, we couldn't do all music ministry traveling we had planned.
    PS. there will not be a hubby # 5. ya hoooooooo!!! :)

    count your blessings Jen, whatever they are for you.
    count em twice. Just take care of yourself, because
    when there is major stress, there is a "flare" commin.
    just keep venting in here until you feel better. We can
    take it. lots of hugs and smiles for being there for your
    children. xx HD

    [This Message was Edited on 10/15/2005]
  11. ontariogirl

    ontariogirl New Member

    He's the best there is!!

    In all the years since I've had this DD he's never once complained or pointed out what "used" to be. I've seen the disappointment on his face when he has wanted to do something and I'm unable to go with him--but again never a word.

    He helps out with whatever I need--I do have to ask but I can't expect him to read my mind and know just how bad I'm feeling. Sometimes I guess he can see it in my face because I'll get super gentle hugs and more than once he's bought me flowers "just because"

    He lets me do what I can and when I can't he steps in. I've even heard him defending me against insensitive people and honestly that meant more to me than all the flowers in the world...

    I'm so sorry your husband doesn't show any compassion--
    I really don't know how I'd cope if I hadn't been blessed with the man I have.
  12. AutumnSkky

    AutumnSkky New Member

    I have a very selfish husband as well, But I am the one who chose him and after 8 years of marriage 2 kids and one thing after another medically I took the time out to sit down and write him a 17 page letter telling him how I felt. Its helped quite a bit in now that he knows exactly what I think and feel about him and myself, kids, life and medical issues. And I found out after this that I just didn't care as much about his actions after all. I have lots of friends that care about me and love me and when i really need it the most i don't have to beg them. So as the last year has gone by and he's apparently noticed my lack of needing him anymore he's now trying to be the world's greatest husband and although I appreciate this guesture I'm finding its a little to late on his side. Hang in there mom and do whats best for you
  13. CatsKimber

    CatsKimber New Member

    ...they are extremely rare and that it would be very hard to find one. You are not alone. I finally left mine a year ago after 15 years of living with his selfishness and emotional abusiveness and I feel your frustration.
  14. elastigirl

    elastigirl New Member

    I've noticed the difference between people who acknowledge your illness and give you kudos for what you can do and those who don't boils down to one thing -- trust. (Of course, empathy, etc., are involved, but I think trust is at the core.)

    If someone doesn't believe you're really ill, they're just not going to be understanding.

    If someone does believe in you, they will be understanding and loving -- at least as far as their own emotional and physical health permit.

    That's why this board is so wonderful. We trust each other. We know the "crazy" pain and exhaustion are real.

    I wish more spouses and significant others could trust us. I always wonder, what kind of person would lie about this? And then, how could they think that of me?

    Maybe it's just their lack of experience with chronic pain and exhaustion, but it still hurts to be doubted, unsupported, and judged unfairly.
    [This Message was Edited on 10/15/2005]
  15. Kat_in_Texas

    Kat_in_Texas New Member

    ... he has his flaws of course. He has no problem doing housework, cooking, laundry, whatever. He's a big help and never complains. But he still doesn't "get it" with this FM. He thinks it's "in my head" and gets frustrated with me. When I'm really hurting or tired, he just tells me to go to bed (ie: stop complaining to him). He doesn't want to hear about it. He doesn't want to have anything to do with my doctor appointments and has never gone with me, even when I've asked.

    And he doesn't understand why I'm not up to doing things with him that I used to do ... for example, last night he said "let's go to the State Fair on Sunday" ... now mind you we live in TEXAS and the Fair is HUGE, we're talking a full day of walking, and for what??!? I wouldn't necessarily want to go if I DIDN'T hurt! :) But he thinks I should go because HE wants to. When I said I just can't physically handle it, he rolled his eyes and shrugged his shoulders. He just doesn't GET IT!

    Last night we got into a lengthy argument because I again brought up the subject of needing his emotional support with this DD. Bad move on my part. His response was ... "Well I've had a toothache for a week but you don't hear me complaining all the time." SHEESH!!

    Anyway, even the best of husbands can be insensitive at times. I'm sure I'm pretty insensitive to mine sometimes too.

    I am sorry, busybusymom, that your husband isn't more involved or caring, though. You're in my prayers today!!!

  16. justlooking

    justlooking New Member

    First, I didn't read any of the other responses because if I had I would have lost my train of thought (its short LOL). So I'm sorry if what I write has been said by others who replied to you.

    You know I have been at home for about 4 years now. Prior to getting sick and going on SSDI I was an Executive who was the primary bread winner in the family while I put my husband through school. Staying home was HARD for me for the first few years. I just couldn't find the rhythym and found being the primary person responsible for our 3 kids very daunting at first. I pushed through being sick on so many days because I felt so guilty about my limitations and felt I needed to prove my worth every day to my husband (not because of what he said or did, it was just me). At the end of the day, nothing, He wouldn't tell me I did good today or any acknowlegement what-so-ever, unless I asked for it.

    Recently I discovered I was looking for praise from him because its all I've ever known. As a child, if I did well in school, my teacher and my parents praised me. As a working adult, if I did well my boss or clients praised me and rewarded me, but as a Mom/wife, you just don't get that praise. It really is the MOST THANKLESS job on earth. I think its even more thankless when you give your very last iota of energy to clean your house and put dinner on the table and there is no acknowlegement, which is why being sick and a Mom/wife is so hard and stressful.

    My husband is actually great in every other way. He doesn't expect me to do anything all day. He doesn't complain if the house is a mess or if he doesn't have a hot meal on the table. He's always willing to pick up our kids or take them where they need to go. He often will stop me while I'm doing something and take over and tell me to sit down and rest. He tries very hard to be considerate and helpful. He acknowledges my illnesses and is very supportive of almost everything I do. He always asks me before making plans outside of the house with his friends and will cancel if I ask (but I don't, he needs to get out once and awhile, its good for both of us. Making him feel guilty about it only causes resentment). He also encourages me to get out and get away when I need it but I just prefer to be an homebody.

    So I guess overall my husband is very supportive and wonderful, but he's certainly not perfect. I try to concentrate on the things he does do to make me feel good and I'm trying to stop feeling bad if he doesn't recognize the things I do around the house. Its me who feels the need for validation of what I can do because its what I've always known but I realize now that he can't validate me. Its doubtful he even notices the bed is made or that I vacuumed, I'd bet he wouldn't notice if they weren't either, but I never wait to find out because it makes me feel better to do those things. Ultimately I guess I do the things I do because I want them done, not to get him to notice. I would still do all of the things I do even if I were alone and no one would see it because the upkeep of my house makes me feel accomplished (I have low standards at this point LOL).
    I don't tell him everyday when he gets home from work how much I appreciate that he takes care of his family, I just expect that to be his responsibility. I take for granted what he does for me and I believe he just takes for granted what I do for him.

    Give yourself a little credit and stop looking for him to give you any, its just probably not going to happen. As for the plans he makes without you or for you, talk to him about your feelings. Honestly, my husband often has no idea he's doing the things that irritate or upset me and he is usually willing to make changes to accomodate my needs BUT I HAVE to just aren't very perceptive about womens needs...they need to hear it. Men and women think very differently and sometimes I'm amazed we can cohabitate at all LOL

    Anyway hope things will work out and you'll feel better about yourself and your marriage soon.

  17. Dee33K

    Dee33K New Member

    I'd like to suggest a wonderful book for you.

    It is called "The five Love Languages"...(How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate) By Gary Chapman.

    It may be that you and your husband are not communicating your care to each other in a way that you understand each other. If he will read it too, it will be good. Even if he doesn't, there is a section that Dr. Chapman has in there where he suggests that one partner can begin to change the marriage.

    Everyone does not speak the same love language. I also have tried to be very aware that when I became ill it put a very difficult strain on our marriage and it makes it hard for my husband. I am ever so grateful for any and everything he does for me. I ALWAYS take every opportunity to say thank you for everything he does for me, our home, our dogs, children, etc... I let him know how much I appreciate him.

    I try to remember... the tables could very easily have been turned. And I never, never give up hope or quit searching for ways to get better, And I have gotten better. I don't give up hope. And I think he appreciates that, too.

    In other words, I have not let this BECOME who I am. I am more than Fibro. I am still his wife and I encourage him to have his own life, too. By the way, he is golfing today with his buddies and I encourage him to do that. I think it is good for him!

    Get the book, try a little encouragement and see what happens, LOL. I'll bet you see some changes.

    [This Message was Edited on 10/15/2005]
  18. abbylee

    abbylee New Member

    Men can be such jerks sometimes, and it's especially sad when they behave like a jerk around a sick spouse. (I suppose women can, too, but we don't hear of it as often.)

    Don't work yourself to death. Do what you can and if it's not good enough for him then he can clean/fix/cook/wash it.

    If he leaves a mess, only move it if it's in your way. But when you move it, put it outdoors. If it's damaged by weather, remind him that he should have put it away himself.

    I wouldn't feel guily asking him to take me to the doctor or anywhere else. If you aren't comfortable driving then tell him so and ask him to drive you. If he won't and you get in an accident, I suspect he will the next time.

    I get so frustrated when I read about couples who have one member who acts as though he/she is more important than the other. We're all equal here, and should demand that we be treated as such.

    Gosh, I sound so harsh!! That wasn't my intent, rather, I just want you to realize that this is a 50/50 deal.

  19. browneyes259

    browneyes259 New Member never feel bad about letting loose on us here....

    I don't know you very well, as I haven't been to the board in a while. I am ssssooooo sorry that your husband treats you so badly. You don't deserve that on top of everything else you deal with with these DD. And I don't know anyone that has just one here.

    I read the other posts and can not give you "parents" enough credit for what you HAVE to do. I don't have kids, yet, and can barely make it through the day. I take my hat off to those of you that have so much more responsibility.

    You sound to me like a strong person. Take your therapists advice. Come here to vent all you like. We can relate, we can give you the pats on the back that you so deserve. We can relate and be understanding and uplifting in the place of your spouse.

    I hope and pray that things get better with you husband soon.

  20. busybusymom

    busybusymom New Member

    I appreciate everyone of you who replied. I didn't realize I would open a can of worms!

    I am SO happy for all of you who have that emotional support from your spouses/significant other. I understand that all husbands can't be perfect (I suppose we aren't either). My husband refuses to go to marriage counseling (been twice) and will not go to individual therapy, which I think he needs to verbally vent HIS anger. I am hoping that he is angry with the disease and not me. But without the support or willing to do something to work on the marriage or himself, I don't know how long I can last. Needless to say, I have been up since 3:00 a.m. - couldn't sleep, even with a whole Klonopin AND Xanax.

    I've been sick on and off with various ailments for fourteen years (started with panic disorder). I realize he is tired of me being sick. But like I;ve been reading, THIS IS NOT IN MY HEAD!!!, and I am not making anything up. My husband will not cancel anything if I am not feeling well, which I find very disheartening.

    Scooter, I am thinking about looking into social security, but from what I have found out so far, I would have a big tax to pay at the end of the year. Also, from the posts I have read, it sounds like a pain to get and I can't go through anymore stress at this point. I actually told my husband last night that if he wants me to apply, HE can look into it (he was the one who actually suggested it!).

    Just Looking - you said exactly what my therapist said - "one partner has to change first." I sorta debated with him on that one - I told him I was the sick one, I can't change that, and he is the passive-aggressive one, THAT can be changed. But I understand the logic behind it. I want HIM to do some work, too, to improve himself!

    Everyone's advice and stories were great. Thank you all so much.


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