Does Anyone mourn the life they had?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by PianoGirl, Sep 11, 2006.

  1. PianoGirl

    PianoGirl New Member

    I don't know what is wrong with me lately. I have been feeling really crappy and I don't know if that is working on me or not.

    Lately, i've been thinking about all the things i used to do, and all the things that didn't hurt me or make me tired and it really makes me angry that I can't do those things any more.

    Am I mourning my life before fibro? Is it normal to have these kind of feelings and if so do they ever go away?

    I've been really down and depressed and angry and a whole gammet of emotions and I guess it just has been wearing me down.
  2. ll1816

    ll1816 Member

    Hi PianoGirl:

    I'm sorry for the frustration you're feeling right now. I too went thru the same feelings.

    I think there are stages, similar to the grief stages of the loss of a loved one, that we go thru before we can finally accept the new person that we've become.

    I remember feeling so upset that there wasn't a "magic pill" that the doctor couldn't give me to get better. It took a while for me to realize that there isn't a cure. It took along time for me to realize that I just couldn't do many of the things I had done before.

    Therapy has helped alot, and I'm strong most of the time and do the best I can, but I do have meltdowns on occasions and feel angry about all I have lost once in a while.

    I try to look at the positive and realize the many blessing I do have in my life and that helps to put things in perspective. There are folks worse off than I, and I have to constantly remind myself that. It does help.

    It is pefectly normal to have the feeling that you have and it does get easier when you learn to accept it. I know it's a hard process to go thru, but it does get easier.

    Take good care and gentle hugs,
  3. rachel432

    rachel432 New Member

    i not only mourn what my like was befor this dd, but i actually find that i get angry about it. i think it's only natural though. we each lost something when this happened. when you lose something you are going to go through a grieving process. the important thing is to allow yourself to go through the process without getting stuck in it or consumed by it. we all need to get on with life whatever it is now and find joy in it where ever we can.
    i hope this helps.
  4. blueski31717

    blueski31717 New Member

    All the time.
  5. sfrazier

    sfrazier New Member

    Not only do I mourn the life I had my children mourn the life I had and there are days where I just get really pissed and try to go do the things I used to do. I hurt twice as bad as the day before but sometimes you just have to say f this and go have some fun and worry about the reprisals the next day. I just won't let life pass me by everyday........SueF
  6. dragon06

    dragon06 New Member

    going through the same thing right now. I miss the old me and I am angry at what I cannot do anymore.

    I have been going through this big time in the last few days and just can't seem to get out of it. My family had been pretty good at trying to help me but I think it's something we need to go through.

    I think it's something that will get better with time and once we find new things we can do but we will probably always have a soft spot for our old selves.
  7. simplicity

    simplicity New Member


    Yes, I think you are probably mourning your losses. It's very natural to do this.

    What can really throw you off is thinking you have dealt with it all and have it sneak up on you again or in another form. That keeps happening to me too.

    Hang in there! We have to remember to make our new lives as rich as we possibly can too. Try to find new things to replace the old or new ways of doing the old things.

    Blessings and hugs,
  8. LittleBluestem

    LittleBluestem New Member

    Yes, I still mourn the life and person that I lost. However, sometimes I find myself overdoing it. I blame everything that I cannot have or cannot do on this disease. Even if I were healthy I could not afford everything that I want to have or get time off to do everything that I want to do.
  9. tobelct

    tobelct Guest

    Ive been noticing that when I flare or don't feel up to what I would like I mourn. And usually everyone around me nows it.

    I keep explaining how I used to be. And how I am now.

    When I am by myself I get angry, because there is no person to share this great loss. Its like the part of me that allowed me to do the things I loved the most has died.

    The only problem is no one realizes me isn't comming back. No one but me anyway I feel it way down deep.

    Then not only am I mourning but alone.

    I know I have a great family and they try but truthfully I think there in denial.

  10. Suzan

    Suzan New Member

    I think it is normal to go thru periods of mourning...or anger..or almost any other emotion you can think of!
    Three years after dx..I find I still have times where I am sad..or frustrated about my loss of what I thought was my normal life. I think it is hard to accept living with FMS or CFS as NORMAL! I have had a year long stretch of not having one day where I felt reasonably good all day long. I pace myself most of the time...during rest times I try to plan what I can manage doing that day...but I find that often my brain is full of ideas that I would have done in my pre dx life...My real life now often has little energy for the things that I loved doing. Most days I find that the basics I can do...getting dressed, making dinner, throwing in a load of laundry...letting the dogs in and out...maybe a bit of cleaning too. But to then have energy for the fun things..means I have to forgo most of the daily chore things. It is hard to have that scenario be your reality..and not feel sad about it sometimes!

    I will say this though, I work hard to maintain a positive outlook. I think most folks think I handle my illness really well. Only my husband sees how rough days can really be..and how much I miss 'being me". I don't know if that is good or is just my reality!

    Try to make some time to do some things you love doing. Or even learn how to do something new that doesn't deplete your energy stores too much! I paint on canvas, I read when I can concentrate, I have some email friends that I just adore and maintaining those relationships can be done when I am up to computer time. My husband and I play cards when I am up to it. We also go on drives...I cannot always go walking around..but we can drive and sometimes have lunch out. I love to garden...but that is often outside my comfort zone these days...but I have learned to make do with having pots of veggies and flowers on my patio rather than working in large beds of plants. I have made my beds easier to make by using comforters and not many extra pillows!LOL I try to keep my counters clear so that I don't have to work to hard to wipe them off. I do all sorts of things like that to make daily life easier....Which gives me a bit more energy to do other things.

    Having a chronic illness just means rethinking how to get what you want out of your life. So go ahead and mourn for a while..but then try to adapt your life to your limitations...and you may find you still end up with a happy life!
  11. dleaning

    dleaning New Member

    alot. I used to be able to do so much more, and I miss that. I hate the pain, from trying to do simple things and I do get mad too.

    I think it is normal as well to get mad.
  12. homesheba

    homesheba New Member

    i am still having a alful time.
    i just do not want to give up.
    i did all kinds of things and one by one they are being stripped from me.
    i swing from acceptance to anger.
    i keep saying' dont stop moving' over and over
    in my head and do things i know i will pay for
    and take over more pain med than scribed...
    . i jusy do not know how to get thru this
    and i know it is affecting even my personality..
    .it is like a death.
    and i just cannot accept it like
    i still have trouble accepting my dads alful death-
    and that was in 88.
    i think i must be a huge controller or something.
  13. Lendy5

    Lendy5 New Member

    Hi Pianogirl, Yes I find myself mourning the old me.

    I can remember being active and it was always so easy for me to spring up out of bed when time to get up.

    Now I hardly sleep at all and wake up restless which makes me grumpy.

    I tell hubby sometimes I miss the old me but what keeps me going is my family and knowing that I still have my Hope and Faith to get me through.

    Take care of you and know that you are not alone.

    Sending you (((((Gentle Hugs))))) your way :)

  14. horselover2

    horselover2 New Member

    especially, now as school starts. i was a teacher for 17yrs and really miss it. keep thinking i will be well enough to return, just had a terrible flare, and realizing that i am still very limited in what i can do, especially on a daily basis. how can i ever return to work?? if i rest periods throughout the day, i can do minimal activity, if i have a few good days and really push, it cathes up with me. i hate it. i wish i was "normal"
    hang in there!
  15. Bren2135

    Bren2135 New Member

    .. and I think we revisit the stages that accompany chronic illness.. because it doesn't go away, we are continually reminded.

    I still feel sad, when I'm reminded of something I can no longer do.

    I feel sad, when my family or husband have to carry on without me, because I'm having a debilitating day.

    However, I'm SO AFRAID of getting 'stuck' in this sadness, and I look for a reason to smile.

    I am going to get Patricia Fennell's book "Strategies and solutions for Taking Back Your Life." Heard it was good, and will give a post, after I read..

    Hope you find things to make you smile today..
  16. Mini4Me

    Mini4Me New Member

    I find it quite natural to mourn my old slef. Afterall, I was normal for 46 years of my life, and then I became someone else. I'm 56 now, and am still puzzled as to where I went and who I have become, and how I deal with it.

    Poor hubby! I mourn for him the most. His vital, healthy, active, athletic wife has become a bedridden couch potato!
    Reading funny books and watching funny movies helps. Also playing cards and games with hubby instead of mountain biking with him helps.
  17. BHopeful

    BHopeful New Member

    I get very angry epc. b/c I thought I was getting better this past Spring and now I've been feeling very bad.

    You're up and down pyhsically and people expect you to stay stable emotionally. Not easy to do.

    I also get very angry. This past Sunday morning I was literally sceraming God Dammit in the middle of the street. The anger can really suck whatever energy is left in us so it's a vicous cycle.

    Don't have any advice just know you're not alone.

  18. Lolalee

    Lolalee New Member

    Yes, I recently went through a mourning period. I didn't know that's what it was at the time. I just felt so sick and depressed. My sister who has Lupus and FMS pointed out to me that I was grieving my life. When I realized that's what it was, everything fell into place for me.

    I've been diagnosed with FMS and CFIDS for over 8 years and have always pushed myself. I never truly accepted this illness. I fought it all the way. I would take something for the pain and then push myself and try to live my life as if nothing had changed. Of course, I tried different therapies (i.e. acupuncture, massage, etc.) and supplements, meds, various doctors. When none of those helped, I refused to accept that I had to change my way of life.

    I did myself so much harm. Now I am housebound, bedbound mostly. And, because my body can no longer be forced to perform, I have had to pay attention to what is truly happening.

    I think it is natural to mourn the loss of your former lifestyle. I truly believe that many of us go through the stages of grief...Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance...not necessarily in that order and maybe not every stage. We are all different, so some of us move through them faster and go straight to acceptance. I got stuck in denial for a very long time. But, it wasn't until I achieved acceptance that I was able to be at peace.

    It doesn't mean that I like it, nor does it mean that I don't still get sad at time. But I'm not fighting it anymore and that is a tremendous relief. My life is what it is right now and I'm doing the best I can.


  19. Jasmine

    Jasmine New Member

    I've been very ill with CFS/FM for over 20 years but I don't mourn! I celebrate my life every day and think positive and happy thoughts. I'm getting healthier and healthier every year due to spending lots of time healing and trying new supplements and new doctors and new ideas from this website. I read Joel Osteen's Your Best Life Now book when I feel down and it totally inspires me!

    Keep the faith!

    Love, Jasmine
  20. padre

    padre New Member

    In working with support groups for Fibro/CFS and doing grief counseling, I often see very little difference in feelings. The stages of grief are felt in those of us who have health issues. I do not mourn the loss of the former me, but I have some strong grief reactions. The strongest for me is anger. I have not come to acceptance yet and I guess I do not want to. It seems better to keep up the battle rather than give up.

    This last week, I was thinking about how angry I have been at God. You'd think that giving my life would buy me something -- right? That is bad theology. I heard a man speaking about how when we think we have let someone down, we hide from them or withdraw from them. Suddenly, it seemed to me that this is just the issue. Maybe I am not angry, maybe I have just pulled back because I feel more guilt than grief.

    This may not speak to any of you. Maybe I think too much. But, my grief is less now than before. I apologized to God because I do not think God did this to me. I had turned my back on the one than could help me most.

    Sorry to make this all about me, but mournng is an "all-about-me" sort of thing.