Does FM cause you to apologize?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Suzan, Aug 6, 2007.

  1. Suzan

    Suzan New Member

    I had a bit of a revelation this morning.

    FM is causing me to apologize for everything!

    For small things, like forgetting something, or not being able to do something with friends or family.

    But it has gotten to the point after several years of being very sick most of the time, that I find myself being apologetic for my life!

    It is just crazy. I didn't ask to get sick. I don't 'deserve' this...
    I was a good wife, mother, friend, employee, daughter...etc. for 49years. Then I was dx'd with Fibromyalgia...

    Everything has gotten harder for me.

    But why am I continually feeling like I must apologize for being 'inconvenient' to have around???

    I got sick.
    I got sick with a debilitating, life altering, incurable, illness.
    It is not my fault.

    If anything...maybe someone should be saying 'I am sorry you are sick' to me.

    And wouldn't it be great to hear..
    'what can I do for you today'
    'what can I do to help you today'
    "I feel so badly for you that you are always sick'
    "It must be so hard on you to be sick every day'

    What do you you apologize for being on the planet with this illness???
  2. lou1104

    lou1104 New Member

    i so know how you feel all i do is say iam sorry because this or that is not done i have had a really bad day today have not been able to do anything why do people not understand that you are not lazy infact you are not well
  3. yellowstrawberry

    yellowstrawberry New Member

    It sounds like they just don't get it.Healthy people usually get aches and pains,but not to the extent that we do.So, they may think oh I get achy too or I get tired too.Constantly apoligizing is something we probably all do, basically feeling guilty. "Never try to teach a pig to sing.It's a waste of your time and it annoys the pig.LOL.

    It sounds as if you were the center of the family'the one who held everyone and everything together.I've heard from several friends say that when their mother got ill or left the family everyone kind of fell apart.

    I feel like that too.My friends seem to have disapeared,when I do see them and tell them I have been sick they usually say I know,and carry on with what is going on with them.

    I guess one thing to do is educate others.We don't know why we are sick,so I suppose they don't either.I am lucky that my husband helps me and somehow he does get it.I wonder how he puts up with me but he says he does'nt mind.I still get scared of losing that comfort.My daughter was kicked out of the Army about 6 weeks ago and has not called or written me.I have no idea if they decided to put her in jail,or she went back home to her dad(which I have no way of contacting) or what.I called the National Family Locator today and they say they can't give out that information.I said then what is this place for and she said that since they do not know if I could be a terrorist they are'nt giving out this information anymore.I asked them to tell her to get in touch with me and they said no because they would have to do this for all the families.Outrageous!!

    The stress has literally made me sick.How could she do this I have helped her through a lot of bad times when no one else would.I feel abanded.

    I just was thinking if you spoke with each one of your famly members alone and expressed how you feel and asked them about how they feel if that might open some communication?Let them know that you need them but you don't like feeling like a burden.Tell them that you are having trouble letting go of what you felt comfortable with,being there for everyone.

    Gosh this is an awful predicament is'nt it? I hope a lot of others can be of help and share with you about this.I'm sure many have gone through this.Take care.
  4. hannahfaid

    hannahfaid New Member

    I know how you feel!! I have CFS. I am a dog groomer and I get so tired that I don't know how I am going to finish my day sometimes. I have cut back to part time, but I always end up rescheduling somebody and constantly apologize for being sick and having to reschedule. Some clients are very understanding and some don't even know what I am talking about. I apologize when I forget, I apologize when I sleep in the daytime, I apologize when I sit on my butt and watch my husband vacuum, I apologize when I can't go somewhere when I am so tired I can hardly keep my head's rough being sick ALLLLL THE TIME!
    all we can do is try to make it through another day and hope they all understand....
  5. saddlebred

    saddlebred New Member

    I find that I have started here lately. can't seem to remember little things I do everyday at work. One of my co-workers has FS also so she understands. Most of my regular customers are understanding when I hve what I call a "Senior moment." Last week was really bad as far as my pain level. I had to wear my braces and my supports I don't have to wear everyday (thank God). Every one wanted to now if I was ok. When I told them what was wrong and explained it too them they were very nice about it. I also found out that a couple of my regulars had FS also and wanted to know what helps me and the name of my Dc. I also told them about t his site so I hope that sign on.
    Now I don't feel so bad about apologizing because I found others I know have it now and can maybe help them out and educate some others as well.
  6. Greenbean7

    Greenbean7 New Member

    I find myself doing that all the time.

    When people ask me to commit to something that isn't for a couple weeks or so I say, sorry, I would like to do it but I don't want to disappoint you by backing out if I can't. Then I would have to apologize again!

    When I get too tired to keep up and have to just sit down and wait I apologize to whomever I am with.

    I even apologize to my DH when I get a migraine and he has to take me to the doc or ER. He's wonderful about it but I always find myself apologizing anyway.

    We were going to go camping in June and I woke up with a migraine. I apologized for spoiling the trip. My DH was fine with staying home and took good care of me, but I still felt the need to apologize.

    I do feel like I am apologizing for my life!

    Thanks for brining this up. I hope it will remind me to stop doing that!


    Choose joy!
  7. wyattsmom

    wyattsmom New Member

    Like I am always apologizing to my husband when I have to lay down because I have CFS and FM. I feel so ashamed that I have to rest alot and he has to watch our 3 year old. He is very good about it, but I feel like I am always apologizing.
  8. harmony21

    harmony21 New Member

    What a wonderful post Suzan, I so agree with you.....and the other posts as well, I too apologise for the way I feel, cannot think, cant do the things I used to

    and it would be so great fOR others to ask me even HOW ARE YOU TODAY?????

    Iam having a bad day today, the Lyrica i take for the pain is making me have petit mail seizures and you know what I have to make a decision DO I HAVE SEIZURES BUT LESS PAIN or do just have pain cause I cant even get the doctor to help and REALlY understand!!!!!

    I think its because the illness has been maligned as a nothingness and that we need to just get over it!!!!after alll we all feel that way dont we?????

    I so hope you understand all this ramble as Iam having heaps of trouble posting it.....

    loving hugs to you all

  9. Suzan

    Suzan New Member

    After several years of being sick..

    I am just tired of saying I am sorry I am sick.

    This is a nasty illness...and if the people around us have a hard time with us being 'inconvenient'..they should take the time to think and realize it is probably 10x worse for the one that is we are slowly losing everything about our lives.

  10. annaleeb

    annaleeb New Member

    My answer is yes, when I read the title of the thread I stopped and said to myself. YES! I do that , seems like alot! I wish that wasn't true, but it is for me also! :(
  11. 2bafriend

    2bafriend New Member

    about this the other day actually... I don't have fibro, but i have a wonderful friend who does. She apologizes all the time for being tired, not feeling good, sitting down etc. The other day it finally "clicked with me" that she is totally apologizing for things she can't help and its absolutely rediculous that she things she needs to apologize to me, one of her best friends who tries to understand the best i can. I did talk with her but she just kept saying it was the way she is... Finally she understood when i put it like this. She has a friend who has lung problems... allergies... breaking problems...etc. I asked her if when she is with that friend and that friend can't breath if she thinks that she is owed an apology. Of course she said the friend shouldn't apologize for not being able to breath and i told her it is no different for her. She is such a great friend, and the sweetest, most positive amazing person i think i will ever know... she has been through so much and still goes through so much each day... people should get to know her and care about her, not expect an apology for the hard times...
  12. Pippi1313

    Pippi1313 New Member

    We apologize because society tells us constantly what an inconvenience & burden we are.

    I figured this out during a hospital stay.
    After buzzing for the nurse for over 2 hours, she finally stormed into the room, furious at me for "bothering" her! She was bi***ing the whole time about how busy she was & how many patients she had, etc etc. then stabbed me extra hard with a needle.
    I calmly (yet seething with fury) reminded her I was a patient, too.

    This was not the first time I experienced that.

    Even (especially?) in the health "care" system, we're constantly reminded that we're nothing more than part of a burdensome workload.

    We're conditioned to be quiet & timid as we're neglected and/or abused, because we don't deserve better.

    BS! That last evil nurse caused me to NEVER apologize for other peoples' ignorance, impatience, & sense of moral & physical superiority!!!

    From that day on, I have made sure they DEAL with me, & do so respectfully.

    That goes for everybody, in or out of the health-scare-system.

    I'm not a B about it. I calmly remind people that they can walk away from my suffering, any time they aren't able to cope with it. I cannot.

    Not all of this social-inferiority conditioning is so blatant. In fact, most of it is so subtle it goes unrecognized, & leaves us confused as to why we suddenly felt compelled to apologize.

    We have to be vigilant in watching out for this subtle cruelty. It is our duty to make people aware of it, IMO. Especially the offenders.

    I no longer apologize for living imperfectly in their "perfect" world!
  13. faithinlove

    faithinlove New Member

    I know this feeling also. I find myself saying things like I am so sorry give me a few more minutes and I will get things done. I think I must do this because inside I feel so guilty that I cannot do the things that I once did. I do not want to let anyone down. I do not know if this is common but I do have problems with not liking how I am, just as much as they do not like how I am different now. I did not choose to have this and some days I think they think I can conquer the world.
    Anyway, I know what you are going through and I would like to say to you I am so sorry for what you are suffering now. It seems to me that we are all connected here and seem to understand more than others ever would because they have not walked a mile or even one step in our shoes.
    I wonder if it ever enters people's mind that we wish we could be like we once were and to stop putting us down because we did not choose this path and we are trying to do the best we can each day because some days are truly struggles for us to get through.
    God bless all of you and someday I hope they find a cure for this dd.
    Love Faith
    p.s. A lot of times this group of people here seem more like my friends and family than anyone else because they suffer the same things I do and I know I am not alone!
  14. SusanEU

    SusanEU New Member

    And it makes me so mad. I think I manage fairly well, but sometimes, I'll be in a store or something and just feel so dizzy and faint - try so hard to hide it because I don't want to be "embarassed". My bf said to me today, well, I just go myself next time; in a mad way, it's only happened maybe 3 or 4 times in the last year when I've been shopping with him. Then you feel worse and worse.

    When we got in the car I said it would have been nice if he said, oh, c'mon hon, let's go then, are you ok? FAT CHANCE!! I mean does he think I want to feel tired and achy and dizzy and nauseous and not sleep and all this other crap we go through!!

    Wow, I needed that vent.

    Anyway, yes, I know exactly how you feel.

    Sue in ONtario
  15. pam112361

    pam112361 New Member

    I apologize all of the time. I feel the need to apologize to my co-workers and others on a regular basis. Most of my apologies are directed toward my husband. He doesn't understand FM nor does he want to understand FM. When he's in a good mood he's more understanding but when he's in a bad mood (90% of the time) there is no amount of apologizing that will help a situation.

    If FM weren't enough to apologize about, I have also had both of my knees operated on in the last year and have a ruptured disk in my lower back which is giving me a fit. Now I get to apologize for those too!

    Gentle Hugs,
  16. Rockismom

    Rockismom New Member

    When I first started going with my husband it seemed as if I apologized all the time...until he called me on doing this!

    He sat me down and tactfully explained that if I did something wrong and it was intentional then by all means an apology was in order.

    For instance, being cross, rude, taking advantage of situations or others. Let's just admit it...these are sometimes common practices when we don't feel well, but we do not have the right to do these things to others just because we feel bad.

    On the other side of the coin, he explained if I did something that pertained to my illness and it was something I could not control(being forgetful, calling into work because I'm sick, begging off a scheduled appointment or activity) THEN an apology certainly should not be expected or warranted. Especially if the people involved are aware of your dd and they know these things sometimes happen.

    No one should have to apologize for having an illness and if others do not understand this then it is THEIR problem...not ours. We bear enough burden and have enough to deal with without feeling guilty for our "shortcomings" and we should not have to tell everyone we are sorry all of the time.
    ( BTW - Can you tell my husband's career is in law enforcement?)

    Hope this makes sense; We are all creatures of habit. Right? Well it's time to break some habits!!!!

    Of course most of us want to be considerate of others and we don't want them to be offended or "put off" or "put out" - that's why we feel the need to apologize all of the time. It has taken me a long time but I am finally getting out of this habit of always apologizing.

    The plain and simple fact is that I feel much better when I refuse to apologize for not feeling well! And I have told my fellow co-workers that from now on I refuse to say: "I'm sorry - I'm not feeling well"!

    Also, if you are at a store and feel like you can not take another step of lift another finger; when the clerk asks if you need assistance please allow yourself to say: "Yes, thank you, that would be very nice today."
    HELLOOOO! It's THEIR JOB!!!! Maybe next time you are there you will be able to say with a smile: "No thank you, I think I can manage today." Believe me, if you do this once... it will get easier.

    My story:
    I was in a large (Tool) store last week and had a handful of coupons for sale items. I went right up to the Service Desk and told the clerk I needed these items but was not physically able to "hunt" for them in the store. He immediately called an assistant and within fifteen minutes I had my items paid for and was out the door!

    I must admit this was not common practice for me - it was the FIRST TIME I have ever done such a thing! Naturally, I hope I don't have to do it again any time in the near future, but I will tell you this; if the time comes and I feel it is necessary, I will again ASK FOR ASSISTANCE without hesitation!

    PLEASE do yourself a favor and try this when you are having a horribly painful day. My ego didn't suffer as much as my body would have!

    This includes tasks at home as well. What if you simply didn't make the decision on what was for dinner? Does your hubby know how to make a PB&J sandwich? If not, he'd learn to do something in order to keep from going hungry.
    You have kids? They are his responsibility too. He may need a little reminder. "creatures of habit" - remember?
    Laundry & dishes? Let him choose...wash, dry or put away?

    Hopefully this helps to make you feel better.

    Just remember, let's all try to do as much as we can, and always make the effort to give that extra push. Most of us do this on a regular basis anyway. It's good for our the little engine who could.

    Please KNOW there will be days that it is OKAY to say: "I just can not do this any longer and I need a little help". Then you MUST ASK for it!

    Give it a try! I hope and pray it works for you!

    Blessings always and in all ways!
    ~ Rockismom

    [This Message was Edited on 05/11/2009]
  17. FMsaddenedspirit

    FMsaddenedspirit New Member

    God how I would love to hear those words . Wow

    And wouldn't it be great to hear.. 'what can I do for you today' 'what can I do to help you today' "I feel so badly for you that you are always sick' "It must be so hard on you to be sick every day' "WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU"

    instead of whats for Dinner ? I don't know. ...

    I agree with you though.. seems I am always apologizing also..

    I want to say . IT"S NOT FAIR .. but how bad does that sound .. really .. so I try not to even say it to myself. and just keep on .

    Thanks for this.. Huggles. .
  18. angelbaby

    angelbaby New Member

    I apologize all the time, to my husband, family, and people at work. I hate it. This past wednesday my husband and i had planned a close evening together, if you know what I mean. I was in so much pain I just couldn't go through with it. My head wanted to and my heart wanted to, but I hurt from head to toe and I apologized about that. I hate that. He was understanding, but I feel like some times I fall short of the wife I want to be for him. He understands some about pain cause he has back issues, but can take shots that will help him for months on end.

    So, yes I know all to well about apologizing. At work my boss will explain something to me that needs to be done and no sooner than she goes back to her office I go to her and say, "I'm sorry could you go over that again." I feel stupid when I do that, its not that I didn't hear her the first time, it might be fatigue setting in, concentrating problems, but yes that happens at work even.

    I too wish more family members would ask what can I do to help you. Some days I would love to have a worry free day, to do nothing but take care of me, but pain or not I keep going unless its so bad and I say screw it and the grocery shopping can wait or the laundery can wait or we're ordering pizza tonight.

    All we can do is what our bodies will allow us to do and people will have to be understanding. I don't talk much about my FM at work, b/c I get tired of trying to explain things to them. Shoot its even hard for me to understand some times.

    I'm sorry I've rambled so much, see there I go again its such a habit for me any more, drives my husband crazy sometimes I apologize so much.