does your family help or hinder?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by homesheba, Oct 21, 2006.

  1. homesheba

    homesheba New Member

    i hate to ask this .....
    its probably been on here a thousand times,
    but i just joined so i thought id give it a shot.:)
    my dh says like he ' cares' when i am sick and down
    and not able to cook and clean and all...
    but it is so obvious from him
    that he is fed up with it all and wont
    even make me soup unless i beg him
    and then he huffs and puffs...
    and whines cause i am in bed ,
    when he gets home from work and i almost kill myself trying to make him supper in pain,
    before i pass out and able to crawl back to bed..
    (i get choked up just writing this to you all.)
    then my stress gets worse
    and i try to do more to keep him from being mad-
    but i cant and then i am layed
    up more and taking more pain meds...
    and i cripple out to feed the dogs and
    and it goes on over and over...
    i am just so alone feeling i cant stand it.
    and my mom is here now since katrina,

    and she sees how he treats me
    and it hurts her also,
    and that hurts me to...
    sometimes i will ask him to bring me some water
    and he gives me a speech almost with his looks
    and noises he makes going
    to the kitchen and slamming things around.
    sob!!!
    im sorry
    but this really really hurts.
    what do you all do?
    or is it just me?
    maybe this is just marriage huh?
  2. ILoveGreen

    ILoveGreen New Member

    My heart goes out to you. I too have endured the kind of days you refer to; I KNOW what you are going through. There is so much I could say to you, but just know that you are not alone and that is why we have this message board...to help each other out any way we can. Sometimes I felt too embarassed to allow friends to help out when they showed up without being asked as only true friends do. I am single, formerly a successful professional, and formerly with an overabundance of pride. I felt embarassed to have anyone see me in such a sad state of affairs, save do my "dirty work". In spite of all of the times I may have helped them out in one way or another, I pushed them away and eventually most of them stopped trying (can you blame them?!?). You are lucky to have a husband there who will (hopefully) learn to understand your plight and be there for you as you would be there for him. Please don't be foolish and push him away. Maybe your mother's company will help him see the light.
  3. MsE

    MsE New Member

    I was diagnosed in 1999. It is now 2006. I can honestly say that my kids finally "get it." Now there are varying degrees to their understanding, but basically--they support me and no longer think I am a major hypochondriac. It is a blessed relief!
  4. browneyelady48

    browneyelady48 New Member

    I have to say my hubby is good to me and very understanding. He doesnt complain when I am not able to cook or clean, but is so appreciative of the good or better days that I am able to do things.

    I dont know what I would do without him, most of the time I feel sorry for him that I cant be a better wife to him, but our vows did say "for better or worse and sickness and in health"

    I have been sick since 1993 and have been through alot and my family and friends have always been understanding with me. I couldnt ask for better children and grandchildren and bothers and sisters.

    I most also add that next weekend we will have been married for 34 years.
    Love Brenda
  5. painintheeverywhere

    painintheeverywhere New Member

    I have been on my own and raised my son myself. I sometimes feel a little lonely and envy the incredibly supportive marriages out there, eventhough I realize that they all have their issues.

    I'm not sure if it's better being on my own. I do what I am capable of doing and push myself everyday to do what I can, but it is only a fraction of what I used to be capable of. I do not have a terribly understanding family...but I have distanced myself so I don't have the stress of them telling me to pull up my boot-straps and get on with life. It should be so easy........

    I can clearly feel your pain though. Maybe you can let him know that the vows in sickness and in health are supposed to mean something and if he was the ill spouse, he would never question your devotion to him.

    Also remind him that you will do what you can within your capabilities and for now, it has to be good enough. The extra stress truly can only make you suffer more.

    Prayers and Peace...husbands arms are supposed to be a soft place to land.

    Jane
  6. maedaze

    maedaze New Member

    I know exactly how you feel. My hubby is the same, says he cares but when it comes down to the practicle side of life... well it leaves a lot to be desired. If i am not up to cooking, he won't complain but he will go ahead and eat toast. - he will ask if i want some toast but I can't eat bread. After 5 yrs you would think he would remember that!!

    I just don't take it personally any more, couldn't, it made me too sick. I just know if I get well and he ends up getting sick, well I will be looking after him the exact same way. I won't have to cook for him, run a bath, change the sheets, watch his meds or diet...

    I now make sure I am fed, with what energy i have and if there is enough i will cook dinner for the others. If not they have toast and i don't feel guilty about it any more. I used too and it caused flares.

    I do my grocerys over the internet, my son (19) picks them up. I make sure theres enough frozen dinners, pies noodles etc that they can all make themselves. And my guilt ends there... they can do what they like after that.

    You might want to try to talk to your husband about this, but then that also takes energy, but if this is making you more sick - which it probably is, you need to get it out in the open.. Or just think along my lines.. one day mate if you get sick then I don't have to do anything!!!!

  7. homesheba

    homesheba New Member

    tried to tell him about fibro and stuff
    and even printed out sheets for him to understand.
    i got this stuff a long time ago and recently-
    like the last 2 years have been pretty much ' worse'.
    and so its not like he doesnt know or understand.
    he is just so into his needs
    -that i seem to be something
    that gets in the way of him being' babied'..
    so i guess in the long run,
    while trying to be a perfect wife.
    . i shot my self inthe foot so to speak.
    sigh.
    and it back fired on me.
    we have been married like 34 years now
    and i dont see it getting any better.
    he is now 60 and set in his ways, and babyish .
    where as i have always been the stronger personality in the marriage ,
    he now is having to do things-
    like talk to professionsals,
    where as i always handled bussiness,
    he worked at his job.
    he doesnt like it and wont learn either.
    . he absolutly hates authority.
    so-
    you see we have a messed up mess going here,
    and i came home yestreday after trying
    to have a yrd sale to get money for new glasses,

    cause the lord knows i hate to ask him.

    . and the trash was over flowing and bed un made-
    the sink was full and no dogs fed or cat,
    and all that..
    . i am in a flair now from trying to catch up.

    and i want to go to church today!
    and having to eat lortabs to get some relief.
    im sorry,
    i know i am just letting it all out to you guys.
    i really shouldnt
    i know....
    but like some of you,
    i havent anywhere to go to talk
    and have a shoulder to get wet on...:)
    i want to make real friends here
    but really i am not always like this ok?:)
    so please dont dump me...ha ha !!
    ill treat for lunch !
    how that for a deal???
  8. Liz919

    Liz919 New Member

    My fiancee stood by me when I was diagnosed. We'd only been dating a year when I broke my ankle and triggered the avalanche. I'm been soo much better for so long that now that I'm juggling a baby, college, him, and keeping up an apartment and I'm slipping he doesn't seem to understand. I've always been a little loony and he's accepted that but for some reason he doesn't understand why I can't sleep if he's in the bed (it hurts to much to try to squeeze us both in our full), why bending over to do the laundry makes me cry somedays, why he HAS to take the baby RIGHT THIS MINUTE or else I'm going to drop her because my arm just can't hold. I'm sorry that I have nothing inspirational to say other than you're not alone. I know it hurts but you're strong enough to make it. I'm not extremely religious but the powers that be don't allow weak people to suffer like this. I know that's not comforting much but just try to believe in it a little and maybe you'll find a little solace. I hope everything works out for you.
  9. homesheba

    homesheba New Member

    so much. you are right.
    we will get thru this. i sure pray you will be ok. i am sending your baby a cyber hug!!:)
  10. Aeronsmom

    Aeronsmom New Member

    are very helpful..but as for my older children..well that's a different story..I have ALL boys and the 14 and 16 yr old are constantly fighting with each other, I am sooooooo sick of it too. I try and tell them that I can't deal with the arguing and their beating each other up, but they still continue fighting, I am at my wit ends with them and I think if they cannot learn to get along then I will send them to their father and let them fight there.

    Love, Ann
  11. RicksChic

    RicksChic New Member

    I completely understand your predicament...my previous husband of 2 years finally had enough of this DD that out of the blue said he wanted a divorce. Said he just couldn't live with my problems...it stressed him out too much! HIM? What about ME?

    With "my problems" I raised 2 girls alone. Made the decision that I would not date until they were raised. My first husband was abusive...physically, emotionally, and mentally. I believe this to be the cause for my FM to surface. I left him with a 4 yr.old, and pregnant.

    Although it was extremely difficult to raise them alone, and with this disease, it was still easier than staying with an abusive husband. And when my youngest graduated High School and started college, I began dating. And FOUND THE PERFECT HUSBAND! He's wonderful. He reads this board daily. Does his own researching and takes care of me when I can't take care of myself. I absolutely could not ask for anyone better.

    I'm sorry you have to endure your husband's lack of understanding. I've always felt that what hurt more than the symtoms of FMS, was that people considered me lazy for not performing per my usual...which I've gotten to the point that I never will again. And I have to say, my husband didn't understand me at first. Then he read this board, and saw "Me". He saw every one of my symptoms in so many people, and the anguish it caused them. Has your husband read the board? Maybe you could start by printing a few posts that sound like you. Then he might start reading it on his own. I hope so.

    Will be praying for you,

    Kim
  12. SweetT

    SweetT New Member

    Kim (rickschic), your ex sounds alot like mine (so abusive that I left him to raise two baby girls by myself). I believe that all of the beatings that I got from him, plus a really bad car accident in 1999 triggered/caused my Fibro.

    Now, does my family help or hinder? My girls help in that they're good cooks (at such young ages---a young teen and a preteen); they understand that I cannot stand artifical light and alot of noise; they know that I cannot run them all over town on the weekends. They still drive me crazy otherwise and when they get in their moods (or their hormones are wacky), they tend to forget about Mommy's illness and the fact that I cannot tolerate undue stress.

    My boyfriend (him and I don't live together)will do research and attend support groups and doctor's appointments with me, but when he gets in a bad mood, he'll lash out (by being argumentative) and stress me out. He does understand that I have to get extra rest on the weekends. I can still go out, but not for long.

    So, I have it better than some, but not as good as I'd like it to be.
    [This Message was Edited on 10/23/2006]
  13. homesheba

    homesheba New Member

    WAS ALSO IN A ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP WITH DH.
    HE NOW ONLY DOES IT VERBALLY
    BUT STILL THE SAME PRACTICALLY EXCEPT THE BRUISING IS ON THE INSIDE...
    I KNOW FOR SURE THAT THE ILLNESS IS FROM ALSO THAT.
    OR IT SURE DOES GET WORSE WHEN HE SAYS STUFF MEAN TO ME WHEN I CANNIT DO THINGS..
    I CANNOT IMAGINE IN ALL MY DREAMS
    WHAT IT IS LIKE WHEN YOU ALL SAY YOU HAVE A PERFECT HUSBAND..
    I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU. TRULY AND THANK THE LORD.
    BUT I MUST ADMIT-
    I DO WISH I COULD SAY THE SAME.
    opps
    didnt know i was in big letters there..:)
    i peck alot ..tee hee..
  14. RicksChic

    RicksChic New Member

    BUMPING for homesheba
  15. homesheba

    homesheba New Member

    it just helps to talk about it even if i am typing it down... even tho i dont like to talk about it really...
  16. caffey

    caffey New Member

    My son thinks either I am a drama queen looking for attention or my docs are trying to kill me with the meds and treatments. We never talk about it because he gets so mean. Yet when I am in a crisis in hospital he really shines. My family just ignore me like there is nothing wrong. They think it is like the flu and I will get better. Again we never talk about it. It seems so lonely sometimes. I need support this is too big for just me. But what can you do? You can't make them talk to you or help you.
    Cath