Don't know where else to turn

Discussion in 'Caregivers' started by FMPartnerColorado, Mar 8, 2013.

  1. FMPartnerColorado

    FMPartnerColorado New Member

    I am a 50 year old man, and my partner of 11 years has FM. I am feeling like a horrible person right now, because I'm pissed at him. I feel even worse because no one seems to care how his condition affects me, and I feel guilty for feeling that way. Our Doctor, his friends, my friends, his family, my family, everyone asks how he's doing, yet no one asks how I'm doing. And, now I feel like crap for trying to make this about me. He is in chronic pain. I would do anything for him. I just need a place where I can vent. Does anyone else have these feelings?

    I love him with all my heart. It hurts me to see him suffer. He feels guilty for the things we can't do anymore, so I don't communicate my feelings with him. I think that is making it worse. Please help us.

    Thanks

    Rick
  2. maddie2013

    maddie2013 Guest

    If you are going to talk to him make sure its when your both in a good relaxed mood, nothing good comes from when you are both feeling tired and irritable, feelings become magnified and we end up saying things you dont mean, and then you have got to feel bad for that too lol.

    Your feelings are not wrong, but katherine is right you have to figure out what you want out if this situation?

    Best take a few days and write things through. Writing helps..Are you missing somethings you use to do? Do you need a day where you do something just for you so you dont feel immeshed by the situation, so you feel individual or you, simply you. Not you the caretaker, you the partner, you the son, you the brother, you the whatever other than you.


    Everyone, especially caretakers need to recope and be with themselves. You need to give and be supportive to yourself to, if you dont do this you lose yourself, and definately cannot be there for others.
    <br><br>[<i>This Message was Edited on 03/22/2013</i>]
    [This Message was Edited on 03/22/2013]
  3. Deberly

    Deberly New Member

    Rick, first let me tell you who I am...I'm a 43 year old wife of 2 kids (16 & 10) and a 14 year fibro, chronic fatigue & lupus "survivor". I say survivor because as you know everyday is different and some its just enough to say you made it through. Okay, so I'm not the caregiver, as you are, I'm the cared for. With that said NO you are not out of place to have a "what about me" moment and if you didn't there would be something majorly wrong with you. Also, the fact you feel so guilty about even putting this out there tells me where your heart truly is...you are a loving man who MISSES (yes I said misses) what you once had...a healthy partner that you enjoyed living life with. How could you not feel angry or upset about having your dreams, your future changed in this way...it SUCKS!!! However, please let it be known that your partner is very aware of everything you do and has the biggest GUILT complex in the world. Part of the reason we don't say anything is because when we try to say how much we appreciate what our caregivers do, so often we get the "you would do it for me" or "you know I love you" which even hurts worse because I often think it would be easier to give than receive...but lets not lie to ourselves neither is a good role to play. Let me also THANK YOU for all of the fibro/fatigue sufferers in the world...you are an AMAZING stand up man who deserves a lifetime achievement award for standing by your partner (as my husband does & my parents for standing by me). These blogs and chat sites are FILLED to overflowing with stories about how they were walked out on, ignored, made to feel crazy or simply (my favorite) its all in your head. Single mothers left to raise children on their own, suffering...Men left alone with not a shoulder to lean on....the fact is less than 10% stand by their loved ones when something like this occurs....YOU ARE AMAZING FOR JUST BEING THERE!!! So know I've given you the thanks...now let me see if I can offer some advice....TALK TO HIM...he already feels it and if you can't love each other no matter the feelings or the physical crud then that will drive a huge wedge that will never heal. Its okay to have these feelings and by you just simply saying, sometimes I feel a bit neglected and I feel bad for even feeling that is FINE! Just pop the bubble, let the tears flow and the two of you have a REAL MOMENT without GUILT, ANGER or PUNISHING the other for your feelings (p.s. start the discussion with...I want to talk to you without judgement, anger, guilt or us punishing each other...but I need my best friend, by soul mate, my partner and this crap is not going to keep us apart...we will talk and heal). Next, look into your local church or community for a caregivers group or create a group of men and women like yourself that can meet twice a month and just talk and support each other. God did NOT create us to be alone, he created in us a need for community and support and we both know that talking with your partner is step one but having a healthy outlet for yourself in mandatory! Call it a support group, call it a Bible study, call it a release session...whatever, but make sure that everyone is there for the right reason (if you create your group) and that it lifts you not cripples you. I know you don't want to just complain or listen to someone else complain....but find ways to talk, heal and support each other because that will help you more than you know. Quit feeling guilty for what you and your partner didn't ask for and can't control....Christ was pretty clear when he said that life wasn't going to be rainbows and lollypops but a misery...but that said don't wallow in it, lift yourself and others out of it. One last thing...you and your partner set an every 3 month session where you are HONEST and TALK HONESTLY with each other....my hubby and I call ours our marriage review (like a job review). We come together, calm and open, with our (I don't want to call them complaints) irritations and what we need to work on. We have our lists and as in any good business meeting you have at least 2 solutions to each irritation...but then the two of you work out a compromise or solution together. After, we set aside our business and snuggle together and re-unite as a couple. Some things we have grown together with....we do Yoga together 3x a week for 20 min...it helps me with my fibro and it gives me a chance to be active with him (like we use to be when I was healthy)....we laugh and fall and giggle...its great and it helps me so much because so often I don't feel like it but I will do it for him...the results have been amazing...heart, mind and body. I hope this helps in some way...sorry its the great American novel, but I wanted you to know how thankful I was that you were willing to be REAL, OPEN and RAW but mostly that you were THERE FOR YOUR PARTNER!!! Feel free to contact me by email v2lowe@yahoo.com if you need anything....Praying for you both!!---Deb