Don't Recognize Myself

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by juststevie, Oct 27, 2005.

  1. juststevie

    juststevie New Member

    Like "Who Am I" I am not the person I used to be. Somewhere along the line I lost everything good about me. I can't remember anything, I can't think. I was an overachiever. I thrived on stress. I enjoyed pressure. I was attractive and confident. I could go on & on about my accomplishments. The point is I don't even like myself now. I hate who I have become but I am powerless to change. That REALLY bugs me.

    I was always so responsible and took care of everything. (No, I don't want people to care for me, I hate feeling powerless and weak). I am soooo not looking for sympathy or encouragement. I am NOT having a pity party. It just is what it is.

    I just want to have the energy to care. For years I thought I was depressed although I knew it was not psychological. Now I know that it is not I can stop searching for doctors and having tests but that won't make me care. I have a million reasons to care but I just am too bone tired to care about anything. I have always had all kinds of pain but never even put it together because it is the bone crushing tiredness that is destroying me. I am so ANGRY.
    I take Wellbutrin and Abien and that makes it manageable ( also Vitamin D, although I see no difference). I want so badly to stop just waiting for the day to get over with. Hoping for the next day to be a better one. Hoping to not have days where I am so weak I can barely get through the day; Feeling "stupid".
    There has got to be a way out of this!!!

    Why can't we find it??

    As I read back through this I wonder what happened to my grammar and punctuation. thank God for spell check. It is a rambling run on...... but guess..... what I don't care.
  2. Empower

    Empower New Member


    I am in tears, because your post could of been written by me. I too was an over achiever and a completely responsible person.

    Now, I can't work, can barely function. Nobody can rely on me for anything.

    I cannot plan anything, because I never know how I will feel that day.

    I do have some DECENT days, but they are few and far between, and when I do have them, I get excitd because I think for a second that I am getting better, only to awake the next morning and feel crappy again.

    I wish there were answers. There HAS to be. If I had the money I would spearhead more research, because this disease is just crazy.

    I know it is not cancer, or MS, or some other horrible disease, but it is still debilitating and people are uneducated on the disease, so they think that we are weak people.

    I am ACTUALLY very strong, broke my collarbone and tailbone and never took a pain pill, go to the dentist without Novacaine, etc. I am not a baby, and I used to be the Energizer Bunny.

    I only pray that better days are ahead for all of us. HOLD ON.
  3. nanna4550

    nanna4550 New Member

    Feeling the same, too. I feel like I'm just going on day to day, not really involved in my life. I feel so disconnected. Living a life of coping instead of finding joy in what I do is emotional crippling not only for me, but for my dear husband who tries so hard to keep joking. If it weren't for him I probably would never crack a smile.
    And at work, I am the person I need to be to keep my job, but not nearly as upbeat as I should be, especially since I have developed anxiety due to the fogginess- afraid I'll say something totally stupid because I have forgotten previous instructions or the name of something/someone that I've known for years.
    It really stinks, big time, I agree.
    Hang in there! There will be better days.
  4. Empower

    Empower New Member

    Try to have a nice time at the dinner.

    I know how hard it is, since you don't feel well, but I am sending you all the positive energy to have a good time.

    Take care!
  5. malinta

    malinta New Member


    WOW, I couldn't have said it any better, that's exactly how I feel.

  6. earn

    earn New Member

    Thanks for sharing your feelings--as it helps others to know we are not "lazy"--but it is real.

    The tired, and fatique feeling is the main reason that I take pain med. I could not get out of bed without it--or even use the computer--but I need the energy it gives me in order to do simple, but necessary things like cooking myself a meal--or opening a can of something to eat.

    I do without it as much as I possibly can--but no longer feel guilty about it. Laverne
  7. fivesue

    fivesue New Member

    There is no resemblance between me now and the me of 9 years ago...none whatsoever. I was a mover and shaker like everyone else, but I am that no more.

    I have spent years beating myself up over this, but as someone on this board said a long time ago, this is who I am now. I will never be that person I was again...that is the past. This is now, and because I still am the same person inside, I do my best to do what I can each day. Sometimes I'm happy with what I accomplish and sometimes not; however, that is what I do...the best I can.

    Hopefully the future me will have more stamina and less pain than I do today. I am working on this, trying to exercise very slowly building up and sometimes not doing it at all, but I still am determined to continue.I have also made an attempt to eat in a more healthy manner. That in itself takes time to do...just throwing something in the toaster is the easy way...(-:

    So, this is who I am. I don't like it, don't get me wrong, but if I don't accept it, I will never be able to make some changes to help myself. Maybe the change can only be mental in some cases, but that's so worth it if the difference is between bitterness and acceptance.

    This isn't's just where I have come...and yes, I still have moments when I rant and rave because of the things I can't do. All we Type A's are like that, but I can't let it control me or the short time I have left will be lost in anger, bitterness and despair. And that sound like no fun to me!

  8. vp

    vp New Member

    I understand what you mean. This post really hits home today.

    I don't recognize myself either, I also don't like who I am now. I was a very strong and independant person. I loved to work, dance, ride my bike, hang out with friends, fix up the house( major renovation projects), worked on my own cars...There wasn't anything I wasn't willing to at least try or learn. Hang gliding was an awesome experience, just to name one.

    I heard a song on the radio today that is by Alabama "I'm in a hurry to get things done" The first time I heard it years ago, I adopted it as my theme song. I was always on the run, there was just too much to do. Not things I HAD to do, just wanted to do. I looked forward to today, tomorrow, and the next day... I just couldn't wait so see what life was going to throw at me - good or bad.

    I went through some stressful times in my early 20's through early 30's. Money problems, Divorce(twice),lost my house to fire. I trived on stress. I bounced back stronger and more determined every time life threw me a curve. I was assertive and confident, I was in control of me. I liked who I was, I was proud of me.

    I loved a challenge, I loved to learn, art and crafts kind of stuff, decorating for all the holidays.

    I don't know where that person went, but I'd sure like to find out. The person left in her place has no drive, no ambition, no confidence, and worst of all, no "good" reason to get out of bed in the morning. I don't care what the day has in store for me. I don't want to go anywhere, make phone calls, I procrastinate about everything.

    The one thing that keeps me going is the fact that dr.'s don't know what is causing all of the symptoms of this dd.
    There is an answer somewhere, The person I used to be is here somewhere. Until I find out that there is some concrete evidence that this dd is not reversible I'll push forward, and impatiently wait for an answer.

    It really feels better to vent, thanks.

  9. elsa

    elsa New Member

    I am so sorry you feel this badly. I wish I could do something for you.

    I don't recognize myself ..... in your post. I was and still am a focused mover and shaker.

    This illness laid me out. I didn't like it one bit and went after the type of help I wanted to be strong again.

    I have been the energizer bunny studying and deciding how I want to treat CFS/FM, and then finding the right doctors to do just that.

    I am in control ... I do have the power to change the outcome of the quality of my life.

    I don't care if the person next to me disapproves. If I have bad excessive daytimes sleepiness ... I'm going to take the best medication to combat it. If the first one hadn't worked I promise I would have backed up and tried again. I will not give up .... BUT ... I do not want to be the "person I was". I'm better then that now and so are you.

    We have all learned things we never would have had this monster not landed in our laps. By full remission I'm going to be a better person then I ever thought of being.

    I have hit walls. I have screamed at how wrong it is that I have to be the one to research and plan and organize my treatment. That's what doctor's are for darn it!! I'm sick!!

    When no one came running, I could either get back to my oh, so slow research pace and get it done or I could sit in my rocking chair.

    It may not work. I might fail. But I will not admit that for a very, very long time. Until then I'll keep on going because the alternative is not an option.

    I wish I could help you. You have every right to be angry. This thing is incidious. You need to realize that it is the illness that you don't recognize, not you. You are still the same person now as you were before CFS/FM. You are still the same woman. Accepting is not conceeding.

    Please don't throw in the towel. You are too valuable.

  10. juststevie

    juststevie New Member

    I am not giving up and I still try VERY hard. The horrible part is being too tired to care. I have never cared what other people think but I value my own opinion and I do not like me. I still have a wonderful, loving and supportive family. I still run a charity for abused & neglected children at Christmas time (I & some GREAT people collect over a thousand gifts from wish lists and distribute them) that I started 18 years ago. The point is I don't ENJOY anything and it is not because I am depressed. I am physically too exhausted. (not sleepy). I push when I can rest when I can't but the interesting, caring, enthusiastic person is gone. The fight is gone. It is not because I am giving up it is because I am a hollowed out shell. If I even think about doing something I feel overwhelmed & panic.
  11. elsa

    elsa New Member

    I so wish there was something I can say. I do understand what you are saying. I don't know how to help you get rid of the hollow feeling.

    I'm thinking about you and sending all positive thoughts your way.
  12. Bambi

    Bambi New Member

    now. A bunch of runners are on the beach getting ready to run and some car salesman is giving a rah rah speech about how they should finish and then drive home in this rah rah car. The camera goes to the runners and one by one they start slow clapping for the speech.

    Well I am doing that slow cappling for anyone that is determined that they can control these dd's and find total "remission". I am as happpy as I can be for anyone that is stil able to be a go getter and full of optomism.

    After so many years of dealing with this FM and my other symptoms however, and steadily progresing inspite of all the rhetoric that it is NOT a progressive illness..I am not nearly so "sure" any more that a magic solution is right around the corner. I'd LIKE to think so, but I don't.

    I didn't choose to become fatigued or negative about things, but they do admit these dd's over time, change our personalities. I believe that that chemical change along with so many ups and downs with hopes of New
    and Great findings popping up year after year, that turn out to be just another antidepressant or NSAID that don't work--we just DO get frustrated, discouraged and not so ready to expect that miracle.

    I don't not only not FEEL or ACT like I used to, I don't LOOK like I used to.Friends that I was ultra close to in my younger days pass me by in stores and have NO clue who I am. I normally don't stop them to talk because it's so obvious that I have changed this much and I don't want to
    see the look of surprise on their faces.

    My cousin told me (who is a year younger that I am and a man) "When I first saw you again I couldn't believe how OLD you look!". Not very
    nice but he was just telling the truth. Stress, difficulties or just simple things that go wrong end up on my face.

    I don't know if I was an A personality but I was busy and always doing something until I just couldn't anymore. Now I "make busy" to make myself feel like I'm worth something and am accomplishing something at all worth while. Sometimes I do and sometimes I just LOOK busy. I made up my mind that one thing I would continue to do consistantly was laundry. This morning my husband said "Is this the LAST shirt I have?"..he didn't mean to mean ANYthing but it made me so angry I wanted to smack him. He has NO idea how much effort it takes me to keep him supplied with shirts and everything else he just knows he can reach for.

    He talks the talk about understanding and at times walks the walk, but he doesn't "really" get it. I'm not depressed either, just realistic I think after years of being pretty naive about these dd's and life in general. You did the right thing and the right thing was your reward. I just h'aint so!
  13. juststevie

    juststevie New Member

    I know what you mean about aging. Until about about 5 years ago I was thought to be much younger. I used to love to shock people telling them how old my children were. I am a baby boomer. I was realistic about my short comings and confident of my assets. My husband would sing the song "She Don't Know she's Beautiful" to me. I knew men thought I was sexy but I never tried to flaunt it or encourage it (although, it was not unpleasant.) I had a good figure & great legs & long hair with blond highlights. I have to admit I am or should I say WAS very vain. My looks are VERY IMPORTANT to me. Not for other people but for my own sake. I always dressed professionally. I didn't even wear jeans to the grocery store. Now I too am not recognized (THANK GOD!) I avoid people. I am ashamed & embarrassed by my looks. Mostly, I hate myself for not caring enough or having the energy to even put on makeup or or do my hair or nails.

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