Don't want to feel this way

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by cjr2003, Jan 20, 2006.

  1. cjr2003

    cjr2003 New Member

    Hi everyone. Today is a horrible day for me. My menstual

    cycle started again this week. This is the 2nd month in a

    row that I have had severe cramping along with the daily

    migraine that I get for 7-10 days during my cycle. I feel

    so horrific that I am depressed and in tears. Going off of

    the birth control pill I knew would bring back the intense

    cramping that I used to experience with my periods for

    years. If it was JUST normal cramps I think I could deal

    with it, but there just isn't anything normal about what I

    go through just to have a period. Every month during my

    period I end up down at the E.R. because I always get a

    migraine that my Zomig just cannot handle and I deal with

    the headache for 48 hours and then after I have taken my

    max on the migraine medicine I go and get a shot for the

    pain. This ordeal that I am going through - going off of

    most of my meds - in order to try for a baby - is just

    about to take it's toll on me. The menstrual cycle brings

    on a flare that is so overwhelming that I almost cannot

    cope with myself. Then there is the daily migraine that

    escalates into a frenzy everyday for 7-10 days and I

    literally feel like I am going to lose my mind if I do not

    get some relief from the all over pain. I don't feel one

    bit human as I go through this. There doesn't seem to be

    much comfort. I take a muscle relaxer while on my period,

    and have Darvocet for the pain and Zomig for the migraine,

    but, it just barely touches the pain that I am in and I

    have terrible thoughts while the pain escalates to a new

    high every day. I think things like I just don't want to

    be here anymore. I just want to go home to God, where I

    don't have to feel the reality of this disease any longer;

    I don't have to feel the pain; I don't have to deal with

    people and all the insensitive comments they make; I can

    just rest. I pray to the Lord and he does bring me comfort

    sometimes. But, during these horrific flares, I feel very

    alone. I do everything I can to be comfortable; but I am

    not. I itch from head to toe most days, since going off of

    the Neurontin, this symptom keeps increasing as the months

    go by. My skin feels like it is burning/itching. My scalp

    feels like it is inflammed or something. Brushing my hair

    is very uncomfortable. I had 2 fairly good weeks in a row

    before this latest menstral cycle started. We went to WV

    to see my parents and it was wonderful for me. But, when

    the menstral cycle starts it is horrific for up to 10 days

    and it is just the longest 10 days of my life. I feel like

    I am being "tortured". And there just isn't much comfort.

    I just don't want to feel this way anymore. This disease

    is robbing me of my everyday happiness and there is so

    little I have control over when it gets bad like this.

    Thankyou for listening, love and hugs, Carla
  2. MamaR

    MamaR New Member

    I am so sorry to see that you are going through this.

    I will be praying for you. I know how you feel about the pain making you want to give up....but we must trust in God.
    He HAS to have a purpose for this.....even though we can't understand it. He will bring you through it... and bless you. You will be blessed for trusting in Him for strength.

    I hope that I have helped in some way.

    Just so sad for your pain!


    MamaR
  3. BSHLEEN

    BSHLEEN New Member

    Hi I know how bad the dd can get but don't give up just think if every thing works out for you . You will some thing so wonderful. Big Hugs BSHLEEN
  4. cjr2003

    cjr2003 New Member

    . . . and I am not one to just sit and feel sorry for myself, but when you can just barely function and it's all you can do to get off the couch/out of the bed because of the pain, you have all this time to just SIT and THINK, and I have gotten to the point of being so overwhelmed from all of these symptoms that all I can do is think about how much I want to escape from these feelings. But there is no escape. And I just want to feel better/enough that I can feel like I can actually accomplish something and be useful/productive. Carla
  5. lolee

    lolee New Member

    sometimes I wish we could all just live ina big commune with our own little huts. We could have privacy when we needed it but would be close at hand when someone needed us. A big circle of sisters who love and care for each other. Very mystical and earthy.

    I wish you were not going through this. It so breaks my heart when I hear of woman like you who are so "tortured"

    Hugs, love, and prayers,

    Lolee
  6. cjr2003

    cjr2003 New Member

    it's like I cannot run away from these feelings or shake them. I feel like I am stuck feeling this way while I go through this and I am fighting it mentally. I wish my mom were here. She always brought me comfort and a laugh at times like this. She is 1000 miles away, and it is tearing me apart to be so far away from her. It was joyous bliss to get to spend 4 days with her and dad a few weeks ago. She is a very compassionate, loving individual, and there just isn't anyone like her and dad. Carla
  7. MamaR

    MamaR New Member

    I was so concerned about you...so wanted to keep a check here on you!

    Sweetie, it sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your mom. That is so good. Maybe you could call her and talk? I wish that I could talk with you and help in some way.

    Also, you might be having some horomonal issues causing this depression. It is just a thought...but you have gone off birth control. And, the pain can CERTAINLY cause us to feel so so down.

    These painful periods are just not normal. What does doc say about it?

    MamaR
  8. cjr2003

    cjr2003 New Member

    I have wondered myself if my hormones get "out of wack" during my cycle. I just don't feel like "myself". But, then, there are times, when I am not having my cycle and the pain is just so terrible, and I feel the same way inside. This pain is just making an emotional wreck out of me I feel. I go to the gynocologist for my yearly pap next week and am def. going to mention the painful periods /cramping to her. Last month I had horrific cramping 10 days before my cycle even started and then when it did start, it was the worst period I have had since my teens. In my teens when I was around 18-21 years old, I would have periods so painful that I would just lay in the bed for 2 days and moan and shake. The cramps felt like "contractions" to me/ so severe, and when I went on the b. control pill in 1998 that took care of the cramping but the migraines have always continued. Part of me feels like I am just so wore down from all of the withdrawals I went through when I went off most of my meds/ and all the pain that I am coping with now because I am off of some of the meds that really helped. I am just so tired of feeling so sick and in pain. I think to myself that what I have feels like cancer to me; I just don't die from it. I dread these feelings that I have to cope with. This " alone feeling"is the worst of all. Two of my friends are pregnant right now as well, and I think that has been a little hard for me too. I felt so "unstressed" when I went to see my mom and dad. It had been so long since I had felt unstressed that I had forgotten how good I could feel. I just want to feel like that now. I feel so much pressure, and I am trying to work out in my head "why"? Carla
  9. MamaR

    MamaR New Member

    When you say pressure in your head. Do you mean pressure/stress of the pain from the headaches...or just pressure of all of it?

    You know....like the pains mentally... trying for the baby....just THINKING about it all?

    I truly admire you for going through all this pain to try for a baby!

    I know that somedays I don't think that I can get through a day. Then, somehow it passes and it is brighter tomorrow.

    Maybe you could try to comfort yourself with heat....like msmoody mentioned and say a prayer.....even if you don't feel anything right then....God hears!

    I am going to go right now and say a special prayer for you to get some relief!!

    Check back later.


    MamaR
  10. cjr2003

    cjr2003 New Member

    It is a mental pressure that seems neverending sometimes. I think it is from trying for a baby and being unsuccessful so far. I think it is also from comments that my MIL has made to me. I have anxiey about future conversations with her. I never know what she is going to say and she has said hurtful things in the past re: my illness because she has a hard time understanding what it is I am going through. She is just not the most compassionate person unfortunately and doesn't seem to know how to relate to me when I am sick/ thinks I should be "over" my illness now. It is a touchy situation. One that continually stresses me. I think I am going to take a break from the board too for a little while. Need to find something to fix for supper. Thankyou for your kindness and listening ears, talk later, love, Carla
  11. MamaR

    MamaR New Member

    I just went and had prayer for you. I am trusting that all will get better for you!

    Try not to let your MIL stress you out.....if posible. I have been there....I TRULY understand.

    I have to go too....but hope to hear from you soon!


    MamaR