Doxygirl, about toxic relationships

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Pennygirl2, Jan 22, 2008.

  1. Pennygirl2

    Pennygirl2 New Member

    Hi, I am glad you checked my appeal. I was so impressed you found the courage and strength to leave an abusive relationship. I have been married to unresponsive, unhappy, sometimes verbally abusive man with son who is bipolar and his frustration always gets taken out on me. We have been married 20 years as friends for last 15, meaning no kissing, loving except these almost "air hugs". He is on kidney dialysis, declining but very slowly. I love him as a friend but the negativity here is killing. But I am his caretaker even though very ill myself.
    But...that is not the one that is killing me most. A girl friend/drama queen who is very ill and keeps telling me I calm her and I am her best friend, gives me gifts. I have been trying to figure how to extricate myself for 5 years. I almost convince myself she is not good friend, then she comes in and guilts me into talking to her for 45 min. and being so depressed, getting migraines and exhausted. I have tried not calling her, I have tried telling her I can't talk so long. I guess I just have to tell her I can't do it. I have tried to be up front and tell her about our vibes being different and she making me nervous and even I can't talk long because my throat gets sore (true, and exhausting) but she says okay and just goes on and on. Also my mom has alzheimers and lives far away and I am losing her more each day. Hmmmm-well I have given you a perfect example of what she does to me each time she talks. Tons of problems too heavy for my shoulders. I am sorry. I honestly really am okay and positive when I can break loose of these for awhile and hoping you will not feel the contagious negativity I fight, not knowing me, and can give any suggestions. Sorry so long. I used to live in Southern Cal too. Hugs, Penny
  2. disconcerted

    disconcerted New Member

    Hi Penny,

    Sorry to intrude if this was meant only for Doxygirl but i couldn't stop myself from reading this as i have been in a toxic relationship for 24 years (except for a few years in between when i was married to someone else). Anyway, i don't need to go into that, i can deal with it - i'm concerned for you though.

    You are in such a terrible situation with your home life - you really need support don't you. Your heart must ache for a soft, comforting cuddle.

    As for your girl-friend, i too used to have a friend like that - everything was always awful for her (she had OCD), no matter how sad i was at the time (i was depressed and financially deep in debt) and she just couldn't see past her own problems. I needed a friend too and she couldn't be one back to me. It was so hard to get away from her as she was so kind and loving towards me, she really enjoyed my company and kept saying she couldn't cope without me. I had to be hard in the end because my gentle hints just didn't work. I tried to tell her how depressed i was and how much i needed a friend to listen to me - she'd say "I'm always here for, about my..." I got caller display on my phone so i could ignore her calls, a peephole in the door and i ignored her visits. She even wrote to me but i didn't even open the letter, let alone reply. It took six months but she gave up in the end. I felt *awful, really cruel* for absolutely ages but my spirits lifted at the release of the pressure from the relationship with her.

    I so feel for you. I wish i was close enough to be your friend and give you the hug you deserve - but i send you my kindest thoughts as an alternative.

  3. Pennygirl2

    Pennygirl2 New Member

    I am really touched by your response to my toxic venting. Your understanding really helps and yes, I am very lonely and could use a hug very much. It would be wonderful to get to know you, especially you are in England and that is where my Rhodes ancesters come from originally. Actually we think the connection with England began with Susan McDermitt who I think was from Somerset? Near you? Anyway, I am going to copy your response because it helped and it is getting very important for me to end this relationship to have the strength to deal with my challenges in front of me. I also have never lived alone in my life. Kinda rebounded from first marriage of 18 years (he left me and I barely made it over that) and into this one which just never really "fit" from the start. I hope maybe we could email each other if you think of a way. I can only think of exchanging address in a chat room. Do you ever go there? We would have to figure out the time change too but if you have the time I would just love to correspond. Maybe reply to this message if you are interested and we will work it out. Thank you so much, Clare. Hugs, Penny
  4. Shirl

    Shirl New Member

    It seems you have your hands full with your own life, you do not need a supposed friend that is such a burden to you, and causing you to feel ill as well.

    I had a friend for 20 years, she was fine, but she got diabetes, and refused to do the necessary things to help herself.

    Things were fine before she developed her illness. But afterwards she got to be like the 'friend' you described.

    She had even told me that I was not 'sick', I have FM, IBS, and all that goes with those two illnesses, which we know does not 'show' like a cold sore!

    Therefore to her I was not at all ill, and I am thin, so to her I could 'eat' anything I wanted, which of course is foolish, no one can eat anything especially junk food all the time. She loved junk food, and it came close to killing her.

    Well, she would call me and talk about her sickness, I would look things up for her with the diabetes, send her the information via snailmail (she did not have a computer), etc. She would not listen to the doctors, her husband, or myself. She keep eating junk food till the last time I heard from her she had a triple heart operation, and was loosing her eyesight.

    I never got a 'word' in with conversations. I finally told her one day that I had enough, and just simply hung up the phone. Thats about 6 years ago. I have not heard from her since.

    I felt bad for awhile, but then realized how peaceful my life was as for as she was concerned. I could not help her, she really just wanted to use me to look up information and then she disguarded it.

    Now I have marital problems, have Situational Depression, and believe me the last person in the world I would want to hear from is her! I am glad I did what I did, and got that over with.

    You are going to have to take the bull by the horns and stop this supposed friendship, because by all standards its a one way situation. You are her friend, she is not yours.

    I may sound a bit cruel, but if its your health against someone who is so selfcentered, then save yourself! She will survive, believe me, they always do........

    I wish I could give you a big hug as well, I could use one myself :)........

    Take care of yourself, you do have your hands full already.

    Shalom, Shirl
  5. Pennygirl2

    Pennygirl2 New Member

    Hi Shirl. And I didn't even mention the whole of it. Because I truly do try to be positive by myself when I can keep out of "under the influence" of these negative people. I so appreciate your very sweet post and understanding and thank you for your time and caring. I have been blessed three times today with caring thoughts and hugs and I am smiling.
    I am very sorry to hear you had to go through this. I guess a lot of us do. I know I went through it one other time with a friend. It was equally upsetting but I didn't let it go on as long. I think I was stronger then. I am taking all this good advice to heart and I am going to convince myself she is not a good friend and will "take care of myself". I am sorry about your marital problems. It is very hard. I feel that life is just passing me by but I am trying to have hope that this is another life for me, a third time is a charm maybe. Thank you all and God for this wonderful safe place to come. Hugs, Penny
  6. Lindaanne

    Lindaanne New Member

    I feel for you. I myself realized the people in my own life who are self centered and so toxic for my health. I was married to someone similiar for 9 years. Not any more! Smartest move I ever made. I am married to a wonderful man now who has opened my eyes to the awful people around me and one is my own son. He treats me very badly. He lives in another state so the contact is severly limited. Chatting with him on the internet is both frustating and extremely draining.
    You have a beautiful dog there and I am a dog lover myself having 5. Isn't it something how we can prefer our dogs to our humans?
    I also have a friend like that who lives in another state she is very draining to say the least. I am too nice a person can never tell her to get lost. Wish I could but I just limit my contact. She lives in another state thank god.
    My own mother is toxic, abusive, nasty etc. I am actually calmest when I have a fight with her and we are not speaking. When we go back to speaking the whole cycle repeats itself. I must be a gluten for punishment.
  7. disconcerted

    disconcerted New Member

    It would really be good to talk via email - let's try to get together in a chat room to exchange emails.

    Do you have commitments on your time? I can fit around most times that would be convenient to you as i don't work and rarely go out at the moment. If you would like to give me the best times for you i will work out the time difference if you tell me what time zone you are in. Earlier in the day would be best for me if you can manage that.

    I look forward to hearing from you - i'll look for your reply on this posting.

  8. Pennygirl2

    Pennygirl2 New Member

    thanks for replying to my post. Would your friend be in Colorado? Sounds so similar. Wish I was in different state. I am sorry you have to deal with her, though. As you can see everybody is advising me to disconnect myself. I already don'
    t call her. Sometimes I answer if she calls though and like you say I am miserable all over again. I am working on it though and it has really helped to get these nice replys. good luck to you. Hugs, Penny
  9. Pennygirl2

    Pennygirl2 New Member

    That is just great that you want to email, Clare. I am not working either and staying home most of time too. But I don't start the day too early I'm afraid. I guess it won't matter after we exchange if we don't messenger--do you have that? I have yahoo messenger. For exchanging emails, I could be here maybe 9:45 am tomorrow or Friday. Shall we start in the chit chat room and see if that is empty? I am excited about writing to you. Penny
  10. Pennygirl2

    Pennygirl2 New Member

    I forgot to tell you my time zone. It is mountain time. I am in Colorado. It should be 2 hours earlier than Eastern Standard time. Hope that helps.
  11. disconcerted

    disconcerted New Member

    Hi Penny,

    I will be in the Chit Chat chat room at 9.45 your time, 16.45 UK time ( i believe there is a 7 hour time difference).

    If for any reason we can contact i will message you here again, but i will be there!

  12. Pennygirl2

    Pennygirl2 New Member

    9:45 chit chat room tomorrow I will be there also. :)