drop in guests....second attempt

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by ilovepink4, Apr 9, 2009.

  1. ilovepink4

    ilovepink4 Member

    i lost my first try on this...maybe it will pop up...

    I just scurried back to my room after having a drop in guest....i haven't talked or seen her in a yr or maybe 2...she is nice but is very "woman of steel" and doesn't understand this fibro thing...she just graduated from physical therapy school, too....a green belt in ti quan do?? ti kwan do....and plans to get her black belt....single mom, teaches exercise classes and is a former professional dancer....

    she called and said she and her daughter, 9, were in the neighborhood and wanted to stop by...i have been bedbound all winter....and did some stuff sunday and had to leave the house monday for an hour....i have been suffering from deep bone pain all week....so, despair washed over me when this call came in...i am a wimp with people like that ....she is one of those people that aren't afraid of really, really long pauses in conversation and it unnerves me....she forces you to say something....runs the conversation....

    i can't handle anyone anymore....not even phone calls....

    this is how far i have sunk....i can't even handle a visitor...a planned visit wouldn't happen....i wouldn't let it....a drop by visit can be so tramatic! when she left, i was sweating and i can hardly type cause i feel soooooo over stimulated! i took a xanax, changed my tank top and i am trying to thaw my feet out with the heating pad....my fingers are frozen, too...my lower back has just started screaming again to top it all off....

    do you get upset and anxious when you have to talk to people on the phone or where ever? i feel like i am always worried that i will have to explain myself again and again and people don't get it.....
  2. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    Oh, I know the type of person you're talking about! I used to have a neighbor that would stop by unannounced often - and at dinner time no less. She would sit here forever.

    Besides my normal job, I have another where people are in my house all the time picking up merchandise. It's wearing on me. I want to hide often. When they just pick up, my husband helps, but when they drop off, I have to be here and do the paperwork. Oh do I dread it sometimes.

    Try to think of it as this woman truly wanted to see you. Although you weren't up to it, she cared enough to stop by. That was kind of nice.

    I don't mind if my sisters drop by (they rarely do), but they are very understanding, could care less if my house is clean and actually encourage me to rest.

    Phones? hate them anymore. My best friend doesn't even understand Fibro. Never asks how I am. I have let it go, but deep down it hurts.

    It takes a lot to carry on conversations some times - so I understand your feeling the way you do afterwards. Sometimes it's necessary to cut them short. I've had to make up stuff in order to have some people that want to hang out, leave. (like I have to call my Mom at a certain time etc.) It's too hard to tell someone to leave.

    I don't think it's "sinking" - I think sometimes we just aren't up to visitors, conversations etc. I have friends who don't have Fibro who feel the same. So don't be so hard on yourself.
    It's okay to have the feelings you do. Just try to remember that someone cared enough to want to see you.
  3. 3gs

    3gs New Member

    Glad to know Im not alone on this one. I find visits planned or not very hard to deal with. Even being around people at all.

    The doorbell rings or even the phone sometimes and I go into a panic. Weird. I make up excuses why people cant come over. altho the dirty house is true. Like you I get over stimulated and have been in a nasty flare all winter.

    get caller id or let phone go to messages then you can choose who to talk to.
  4. DemonFairy

    DemonFairy New Member

    That's why I never answer the door (unless I'm expecting a package) or the phone. Well, I have caller id on the phone, so there are never any surprises, but I rarely answer nonetheless. Talking on the phone just wipes me out...and makes me sweaty for some reason. In house guests? I couldn't do it.
  5. greatgran

    greatgran Member

    Thanks so much for your post, this is the way I feel and my doctor told me it was depression.

    I have tried to have guest in, my children drop by all the time but that is somewhat different. I just can't seem to visit or have guest in , even though we do from time to time. All this time I thought it was depression not this darn dd.

    So, thank you and YES I do get upset and anxious when I have to talk and visit with people . No need to explain they wouldn't understand as I have tried for years. Everyone thinks I am just an old, hateful, sad person. Our brains just can't take it..or at least mine can't.

    God Bless,
    gg
  6. Nannibel

    Nannibel Member

    I wrote a reply about drop-in guests....somehow ended up a new posting.......
  7. Bunchy

    Bunchy New Member

    EXACTLY!!!

    I'm afraid I have had to start not seeing people anymore - it's too hard.

    I get terribly mentally fatigued with a lot of conversation and my MIL chats non-stop - it's awful - I DREAD her visits. I panic before and after and get the back pain and stiffness too.

    I've got to the point where I let the in-laws visit occasionally for the day but spend most of my time upstairs resting in bed. I don't think they understand but to be honest, I'm beyond caring anymore.

    I visit with my parents twice a year.

    The only person I can tolerate is my sister because she GETS it or at least she tries her best and makes allowances for me.

    I have a couple of email buddies, one phone buddy with severe ME and my DH - that's my world now.

    For what it's worth, a bit of Klonopin will get me through an hour with MIL and a couple of hours chatting to my parents!

    I feel for you so much on this one.

    Gentle hugs,

    Bunchy x
  8. ilovepink4

    ilovepink4 Member

    Man, it feels great to be in the company of people who understand! Thanks everyone for your replies! I don't feel so anti social hearing that others have this problem, too! We do have caller I.D. and my darling husband answers the phone and brings it to me.......thanks babe! grrrrrrrr......

    it has happened twice in the past 24 hrs...one was a guest and one just wanted to chit chat after she invited us to a bonfire in her yard.....that is after i told her i have been housebound all winter and was too ill to leave the house.....and she kept repeating she hoped I could come over....duh.....

    i got old prince charming back tonight....the phone was in the bedroom with me and i aswered it when i knew it was for him....haha! it was 9:20pm, he was watching a really good tv show and the caller was an idiot that was demanding to know info about hubby's salary......(hubby is a school admin.-salary is public....blah, blah) can't believe this yahoo was drunk dialing from a dinner party and i would bet he had hubby on speaker phone.....poor hubby....my elation at revenge was over and i felt bad for hubby....then i ended up needing a xanax cuz my throat was "closing off" cuz i was sooooo mad about weirdo, mean guy calling on Good Friday about non of his biz.....at 9:20pm....bashing hubby...

    i think we need an unlisted number.....yah? i was even considering getting rid of the land line and just having our cell phones to save $$.....

    anyways, back to the pain of visiting with people, does anyone else get this weird feeling that when they are smiling at guest and interacting that the smile doesn't include your eyes....and get paranoid that guest can see that? I don't know how to explain it very well but, i feel like a fraud when that happens....like your face is frozen into a smile and all you can think about is them leaving....NOW!

    OH! one more thing...the bonfire lady is also a die hard woman of steel....a runner, always up for fun, only has one child, doesn't really get the FM thing...oh! and brings in God's plan and Jesus love for us when you least expect it....but repetively....WHAT? When did God get involved with this conversation, Friend? She is sweet but sneaks that stuff in...makes me want to run when she starts it...I don't know what to say cuz i don't want to go there with her....religion is personal for me...makes me sooo weary afterwards!

    [This Message was Edited on 04/11/2009]
  9. shari1677

    shari1677 New Member

    I find myself getting easily frustrated with anyone/everyone lately. I'm too tired to deal with anyone. I get angry while driving because of slow people - I want to get there and back. I get angry standing in line at the grocery store, when my feet hurt and I'm sooooooo tired. I find myself getting angry at friends, of course, who don't and won't understand my condition.

    I'm just such a different person with this disease not only physically, but emotionally also.

    Oh and on the religious note above: There was a span of 2 months that I was so ill and in bed I didn't go to church. My pastor led me to believe it was all in my head. In fact, he doesn't believe in medications for anything "related to the brain" and I guess he feels fibromyalgia is one of them. He also doesn't believe in disability. Hmmm...wonder what he would do should he get fibromyalgia??? Needless to say, I left that church a while back.
    [This Message was Edited on 04/11/2009]
  10. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    You had trouble posting. I've had trouble replying. See how that all evens out. Something to do
    with Eastern philosophy, I think.

    Anyway, looking back (now that I'm old), I see I went through life being much too polite and
    letting other people control things. I read a couple books on assertive behavior which were
    helpful.

    When I first began to tell people I didn't want to go along with w/ whatever they had in mind, I
    was too polite. Just led to endless discussions. Eventually I became more forceful.

    "You want me to drive you to the airport at 3 in the morning?! Are you crazy?"

    That generally stopped any further discussion. And if I never heard from the person in question again,
    that was fine with me. I need to take care of myself. Nobody else is going to. Too bad I didn't
    start decades earlier. I would have ended up w/ much less stress and w/ more money in my retirement
    fund.

    And I never answer the phone. In Los Angeles, 90% of the calls are wrong numbers, telemarketers,
    (even tho I'm on the no-call list) and recorded messages from the library telling me I can
    pick up my book.

    Oops! Gotta go.

    Rock
  11. quanked

    quanked Member

    This is me too. But I have been working at drawing boundaries for years now. A couple of years ago we put up a fence and ALL gates are locked. Nobody gets in unless someone lets them in and I do not let most people in. I screen calls when I am near the phone and rarely pick up. My son says I would build a mote or moat (spelling, who knows) around our property if I could : )

    I had my decades of lots of friends and people stopping by and impulsive get togethers and people staying with me just because. Those days are over. I miss having a fun social life, no doubt about it. I just cannot afford to allow people to cross my boundaries anymore.

    There is a neighbor across the street (she seems like a nice, warm and friendly woman) who tried for a long time to get me to visit. I was temepted but I knew that I would not able to follow through with anything consistent. I do not like
    explaining these diseases because I really do not understand them myself. She does not say hello anymore. I understand and that is okay with me. I did not want to have to deal with the anxiety I felt each time she approached me.

    It is one more loss but I must protect myself from energy drains. I have friends that I already neglect, unfortunately. None of them are dropper byers as 2 live out of town, one is not able get away from home often and the other--she seems to understand and is not the type to just drop in. Thank goodness. And, really no one can because unless we are outside or in the garage we do not know when people are out front. People have to call first and someone has to answer.

    I have learned that I can struggle with not doing what I need to do for myself or just keep people out. I have very little energy to go around and sometimes much less than little. I guess I do for myself what I would want others to do for themselves if they found themselves in a similar situation. I would want the ones I love to do what they needed to do to take care of themselves no matter what.

    In the end, I guess these diseases, at least for me, make me not like "normal or regular" people.
  12. Nannibel

    Nannibel Member

    My husband rarely sees anything to purchase when I convince him to go along to browse in shops but when he saw a door mat that says "GO AWAY" he bought it!! The clerk said that the door mat is actually a big seller. Guess we are not the only ones that don't always "welcome" drop in visitors. Now I am waiting to see if he actually has the nerve to use it. He is usually Mr. Friendly to everyone even though he suffers from CFS as well as myself. People end up seeking him out for friendship and I get exasperated with trying to set boundaries especially at our summerplace.
  13. ilovepink4

    ilovepink4 Member

    Everyone has such great input- it helps to listen to others' stories - i personally struggle with the guilt the worst..... guilt over the mother I have become, guilt over the wife I have become, and guilt (and confusion) over why I have become such a hermit...so incredibly anti social....

    i have been able,finally, to let go of over attending hockey practices and games( my sons), and family gatherings for holidays, church, bringing dd to college, taking other dd to specialist appointments....not without lots of guilt and sadness.....

    this business of ...well, basically closing the door on my friends seems so destructive but suffering through the visits , phone calls, and canceling plans is so not worth it anymore!!!

    it really eases my mind to hear that this is common behaviour for people like me.....I think it is called SELF PRESERVATION....
  14. charlenef

    charlenef New Member

    I have been bedbound for 6 yrs now I have a loud mouth friend who i wouldnt answer the phone for she called 3 x then she called my bff wanting to know why im not answering when she knows im home. my bff just played dumb like she didnt know.She is the only one I have left who never judges she lays right in my bed with me sometimes for hours.