Dwindling love

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Kdreese, Nov 12, 2013.

  1. Kdreese

    Kdreese Member

    My partner's cfs kicked in bad around last June. She also has a condition called frozen shoulder which is getting better. On top of that she started menopause a few months after we got together. We havent been intimate since January and dont have an emotional relationship either. I dont know how to handle this anymore. With all this going on she says she doesnt feel like being intimate. She wont go to counseling with me right now because she has too many other appts for her physical ailments. I do understand this. What bothers me is that she has energy to do other things but not for me. But they aren't emotionally connected. I think emotional intimacy may be too "heavy" for her right now. I know she feels guilty because anytime we talk about this she tears up. She says shes sorry that she cant meet my needs right now. She is also upset that her libido is gone. The problem is that I'm starting to to feel like her room mate, not her partner. I'm really struggling with this. I dont want this.She has seen many doctors and takes suppliments that are suppose to help but they dont. She sees a holistic doctor, she doesnt belive in conventional doctors. Anyone going through something similar, family or someone with cfs/fibro please help.
  2. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Hi KD

    Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry to hear about the situation. Sorrier still that I have no good
    advice for you. CFS/Fibro are disabling and often alienate people from friends, family members,
    etc. Have you considered talking to a counselor yourself? Might help you sort out possibilities.

    Best of luck
  3. Kdreese

    Kdreese Member


    Thanks jaminhealth. I'll check and see what she takes. She takes so many sups that I dont know what all she takes!
  4. Kdreese

    Kdreese Member

    Thank You Rock. I started seeing a counselor about 6 weeks ago. We talked about redefining our relationship but she has to be willing to step up and at this time she wont. I hate to say this but she really plays the victim role. I so want to tell her this but I think you know where that would go! I know I have to approach these things. I keep telling myself it will get better. Hopefully there is truth in the laws of attraction.

    I'll post our progress. If you know of another forum that would be more appropriate for my post and I could possibly help others with my current experience please let me know. That goes for anyone checking out my posts.

    Thank you much.
  5. TigerLilea

    TigerLilea Active Member

    Unfortunately, as we women go through menopause, it isn't uncommon for women to go through a period of time when they have no interest in having a physical relationship with their partners. In fact, some women find that they don't want to be around people, period. This is usually just a temporary situation, however, it can last for several years. I don't know that counseling would help in this situation. Most people think of menopause as hot flashes and night sweats, but, it is so much more. Our bodies go through incredible changes as we go through this phase of our lives, and it can be overwhelming at times. I think you are just going to have to be patient as she goes through this. It's unfortunate that this is happening so early in your relationship.
  6. Kdreese

    Kdreese Member

    Thank You TigerLilea. All I can say is "wow". That's a long time for some women. Too bad they don't have a viagra for women. I'm doing my best to be patient however I know my frustration comes out at times and it shows then she feels guilty then I feel guilty. I didnt know that some women dont even want to be around people during this time. I think that, plus the pain in her shoulder, explains why she has backed off non-sexual touch also. I think I'll read more about menopause. Give me a better understanding.
  7. MicheleK

    MicheleK Member

    Hi Kdreese,

    I really appreciated the honesty of your post. It's very nice that you are seeking ways of staying in your relationship despite mounting odds.

    I have had ME/CFS, fibromyalgia and dysautonomia since I was 35. I also had a hysterectomy a year before that and went into menopause.

    I don't know the level of CFS your partner has or what the other things she does with her energy are and without that sort of information it's tough to give any advice but I will tell you that many of us who have ME/CFS end up feeling emotionally sort of half numb inside. It's like we cannot feel our feelings fully. Some days yes, they will be there and other times we will feel like we know we have feelings but just cannot touch them. I am a support group leader for hundreds of patients and this has been something that has been expressed more often than you can imagine. Many didn't know how to put it into words until others expressed similar feelings. The patients felt bad about the periods when they "go emotionally numb" because they kow they really love their partners.

    The menopause issues in and of themselves are enough to stress even those who have been together for many years. It's just like the mood swings of a teenage girl but it's coming out of a full grown woman who usually is normally pretty okay emotionally minus a PMS day here or there. It would be good if you would let your partner know now, up front that you are going to learn more about the menopause but if she gets times where she feels she really needs to be alone that you will not feel offended and that she should go ahead and just let you know she needs to be alone and you will understand.

    Most people living with a chronic illness the likes of CFS do well to get some counseling on how to live with such an intrusive illness. The problem is that there are so few therapists who actually "get" what CFS is and does to a person that it can backfire on a patient going for counseling. Who wants counseling from someone who doesn't "get it"?

    I do know a very experienced counselor who does phone consultations only due to her having the illness too. If your girlfriend would like I can get her phone number to you in a private message.

    If money is an obstacle to that path then the next best thing I can tell you is to encourage her to join an ME/CFS support group online. She needs help to deal with her own feelings over what she is experiencing but beneficial help usually comes from those most familiar with this particular disease.

    You seem like a man who has and is willing to make allowances for your partner's situation but she as the patient also needs to understand that if she wants a relationship she is going to have to do whatever she can muster to save it. With ME/CFS the patient usually gives 25% and the healthy partner gives 75%. 25% may be all that is within her power to do. This is a serious and complex illness and it tests both the patient and the healthy partner time and time again.

    My husband and I have been married for 20 years. The first two I was severely sick. Then I was only mildly sick for a good 7 years. After that I fell into the severe state of the illness and really I had nothing to contribute. I laid flat in my bed in a darkened sound proof room for the better part of 3 years. I was so sick my body was just trying to survive. My husband saw that and somehow kept loving me. I think if he saw me having energy for other things or people and not him it would have been a whole different ballgame. That would not have been fair to him nor right on my part.

    A woman generally keeps the house up and takes care of the kids so if she is having to use her energy on these things that may leave nothing for the intimate part of her life. If these things apply to her then making a "date" and helping her maybe for two days before the "date" might get you lucky! LOL
  8. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    I am so very sorry for your partner's illness and the toll it's taking on you and the relationship. She has a lot of things going on at the same time. Sometimes, there is overlap of symptoms which just intensifies the situation for the sick person. I really don't have any specific advice but we do have a Caregivers Forum here and, perhaps, someone there can help you. They know just what you are going through. Bless you for hanging in there under horrible conditions.

    Love, Mikie