email funnies, more kids say the darnedest things

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Catseye, Feb 15, 2007.

  1. Catseye

    Catseye Member

    My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was
    God, and I didn't.
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    Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and
    suffe-ring.
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    There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before
    marriage and after marriage.
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    Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they
    arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house
    and car.
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    Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: All the DNA is the
    same.
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    I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely
    ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out
    line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when
    the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and
    asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it
    be great if that happened more often?
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    Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly
    neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a
    table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may
    not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.
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    The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would
    hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
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    Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax
    and get used to the idea.
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    Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in
    your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over
    you, what would you like them to say?" Artie said: "I would like them
    to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great
    family man." Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a
    wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in
    people's lives." Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
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    A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.
    Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she
    sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I
    should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm
    down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
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    John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last
    request, dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six
    months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought
    you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John said, "I do!"
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    More kids say the darndest things:

    JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After
    A while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and
    One for cold milk?"

    BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain
    To take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's
    Me?"

    JAMES(age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

    The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... This particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust..." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

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    Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries
    they had performed.

    One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas. In my favorite case, a
    concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident. I reattached them and, 8
    months later, he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.

    The second surgeon said, "That's nothing! A young man lost an arm and both
    legs in an accident. I reattached them and, 2 years later, he wo n a gold
    medal in Track and Field events in the Olympics."

    The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman
    was high on cocaine and meth and she rode a galloping horse head-on into an
    18-wheeler traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the
    woman's blonde hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them
    together and now she's a senator from New York.
  2. teacher

    teacher New Member

  3. JLH

    JLH New Member

    Really cute.

    Love to read these!