Emotional Pain, Past pain when growing up?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by willruthie1965, Jul 1, 2006.

  1. willruthie1965

    willruthie1965 New Member

    I was reading an article about past pain and fybro. So my qustions are How many people have experienced A death inthe family growing up.Or some family problem like abuse or loss. Here is my short story. I was 5 when we lost my brother. He was 23 he wasn't sick just died. I remeber everything etched in my mind like I still can see it. Well was very close to him I use tospend alot of time with him and his sons they lived next door. As a child I cried alot, and feared people dying was deprssed . My mom would get upset with me , Did not hug me and say I understand ,She just told me to stop.The thing is I lost her the day she lost her son. She was so quiet and sad the rest of her life. So there is part of my story.Ruthie
  2. CathySt

    CathySt New Member

    Actually, my childhood was very normal.

    I am now 49. Four years ago, I lived in PA with a thriving interior design business. At that time, my mother-in-law was dx'd with lung cancer in Florida. I dropped everything and moved in with her and was her primary caregiver until she took her last breath. I was away from home for two months. During that time, my business really suffered and my husband lost his job.

    Fast forward - two years later - we now live in Florida and my husbands youngest brother, who was 40 at the time - bachelor was dx'd with lung cancer. He moved in with us and I was his primary caregiver for three months, until he died. My mother would come over to visit and say that she was so happy I was able to help my MIL and BIL at such a difficult time, but she said that I was not cut out for it. I believe she was right. Although, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. I have a problem of trying to put myself in other people's shoes to better help. It was so emotional for me - I swear I didn't breathe either time I was a caregiver. Very heavy - but again, so worthwhile. My brother in law will be gone two years this August.

    Anyway, my husband believes this is what has triggered all of my ailments/health problems. I am starting to think he is right.
    Cathy
  3. CathySt

    CathySt New Member

  4. Cinlou

    Cinlou New Member

    Dear Willruthie1965,

    I am so very sorry for the loss of your brother.
    Your poor mother too.

    I feel very sad for you, my heart aches, I can feel your saddness when I read your words. Here is a big hug for you...((((((((((((Hug))))))))))))))

    I have emotional pain from sexual child abuse by my step-dad when I was eight years old. I still have issues with that. My mom does not know about it.

    I always wonder if she knew though. I really don't think she did. I was so lost, I needed her to tell me it was not my fault. I was so afraid to tell someone......any kind of abuse is a horrible thing.

    That happened so long ago...it still hurts.
    Cindy


    [This Message was Edited on 07/02/2006]
  5. MamaR

    MamaR New Member

    First, Ruthie...I am so sorry that you had this loss and your mom also. It is so sad for you both. May you find strength from others like yourself...it happens! May God bless you.

    I think maybe from reading both of your messages...I fit into both in some ways.
    As a child I had a very traumatic childhood. I never actually had a childhood really. It is long story..abuse.

    Then, I grew up thinking I had to make life PERFECT for my children and everyone else. You know, like you Cathy...I felt my best when taking care of others...still do!
    But, I think the stress took it's toll on my body. I can barely take care of myself anymore.
    Then, like Ruthie...as a child I was so sensitive and can remember that so very well.

    Yet, I block out so much.

    We heal a little, I think, every time we talk about it.

    Love...mari



    [This Message was Edited on 07/02/2006]
  6. findmind

    findmind New Member

    Oh, Ruthie, you made that so short and to the point, and I'm sure we all feel your pain. I'm so sorry for your losses.

    I've seen so many with CFS and/or Fm begin to relive old hurts and losses. I guess its because we lose so much when we get a serious chronic disease.

    The brain remembers past pain, and every new one, whether emotional or physical, goes into that "file" and they begin to add up until they are all melded together and become one somehow.

    I'm so touched that you shared this with all of us, and I hope you know we sympathize and feel for you and with you.

    I was "spanked" and sometime beaten as a child; I had a mentally ill mother; I had a brother that sometimes hit me very hard; I had to take care of my dad and two brothers from the time I was 12 yrs old...

    But you know what? One day I realized that I couldn't change the past, but I could change how I thought about it.

    I began to see that my parents did the best they could with the problems they had and forgave them.

    This went a long ways towards healing me emotionally, and allowing me to feel better about myself.

    When my dad was dying, he called me on the phone and asked "Can you forgive me for all the pain I caused you?" Know what I could say?

    "Yes, I forgave you long ago!" He was so happy and crying.

    Forgiveness heals.

    I hope our love for you heals, too.

    findmind
  7. wordbyrd

    wordbyrd New Member

    Your words rang true for me, as I had a great deal of upheaval and emotional abuse in my childhood. When I was able to see my parents as vulnerable human beings who didn't have good examples of loving parents to exemplify, and therefore did the best they could as wounded individuals themselves, I was able to experience compassion for them and forgive them. We are friends, fellow adults, and the perspective I gained about my childhood and the grace that enabled me to become free of the bitterness and blame that poisoned my mind and spirit, was healing and liberating.
  8. Diagoras

    Diagoras New Member

    Mild physical abuse, based more on my parents moods than on anything we actually did or didn't do. However, these things are so common that I would be careful about drawing any conclusions. If you asked a group of physically healthy people the same question you might get just as many similar answers. This may just be a poor testament to the human race and not evidence of what leads to chronic fatigue or fibromyalgia.
  9. findmind

    findmind New Member

    I don't think our childhoods caused our illness; however, if we have the genetic predisposition to not be able to handle the "load" (allostatic, its called) we are dealt from birth, I do believe it can make us susceptible to them. This depresses our immune systems to a point we can't fight off common (and uncommon) bacteria and viruses.

    Dyagoras is correct, even "well" persons have problems they aren't dealing with very well, but they don't have CFS/FM or any other chronic illness. Maybe they don't have the genetic maladaptations, so they can withstand stressors better.

    I hope you are feeling better knowing we all care about you...

    findmind


  10. Shannonsparkles

    Shannonsparkles New Member

    Mom died suddenly when I was 7. Then I raised my four year old twin brothers, myself, and my dad. It made me burn out really soon. I had no time to grieve. Horrific nightmares every night. There was also sexual abuse and verbal abuse from my paternal grandparents. I still haven't forgiven my dad for leaving me and my brothers at their house over the summers. He was abused by them too as a child, and he should know better. Mom once made him promise never to leave us kids alone with my grandpa. It was grandpa that abused me sexually, more than once. I told dad about it when it first happened, and he still let us go back there.

    That's the start of it. There weren't any good times after that either. Emotionally, I'm more doing better now than I've ever been. That isn't saying much though. I'm still very insecure and I don't think a lot of myself. There's a well of rage and grief inside of me that has never been opened.

    Do I think my traumas contributed to my disease? I believe that if mom had lived and things had been more stable, I still would have gotten sick - though maybe later than I did, and not as severely. That's because she was always quick to notice if I wasn't well, and take me to the doctor. Dad used to boast about us never needing a doctor. Never mind that I was constantly sick with colds, couldn't keep up with the other kids, had "growing pains" and migranes and sleep disturbances and was suicidally depressed for several years as a child - BEFORE getting the mono virus that sucked most of the life out of me. Really, all my mom's side of the family is severely sick with genetic illnesses. I would have been sick whatever happened to me.
  11. Hootie1

    Hootie1 New Member

    It was painful to read your post because I wanted to seek out your father and take care of him for allowing the abuse to go on.

    I hope that you do not have contact with him- at least not until you see counseling to work out your pain.

    Please, if you have insurance and even if you don't and can afford it, talk with someone. The pain that is carried inside, I believe, contributes to the illness.