Emotional whammy very tired But also excited

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Juloo, Jul 2, 2006.

  1. Juloo

    Juloo Member

    I posted this briefly last night, but I took it down because I wanted to think about it some more....

    Yesterday I found out, quite accidentally, that the odds are very, very good that I have two half-sisters that I did not know about (through my deceased father). I found out poking around in the Texas Births Index on Ancestry -- then remembered that there were a couple of old slides in my dad's things with the same name and city as one of the two names I found.

    I already know that I have a much-older half sister. My dad's early life (like between the ages of 15 and 40) are a mystery, but I know that he had a tendency to have a 'girl in every port'. What I didn't know was that some of those girls were his daughters! I also know that my mother was lied to when she married (he said he was widowed), but I don't know if she ever found out that he had daughters in Texas -- one of which is three months YOUNGER (yes, you read that correctly) that I am.

    Gotta let this sink in a bit before I decide if I will pursue contact....

  2. optimistic1

    optimistic1 New Member

    I can't imagine being confronted with this dilemma. You probably couldn't either. But, if you could possibly work through this shocking discovery, anger, and affront to you and your Mother I would think you would be very curious about your "new" family. What happened is certainly not your half-sisters' faults anymore than it is yours. I think I would be so curious that I couldn't let it rest.

    I have much respect for you for being able to post this.

    Now for the hard part.........and, will you let us know what you decide?

    Good luck to you and Love,

    Arlene


    [This Message was Edited on 07/03/2006]
  3. MamaDove

    MamaDove New Member

    Hi Juloo,

    I saw your post and thought I would share my story with you.

    My Mom was married to a man at 19 or 20 and they had a daughter...He was in the merchant marine and she met my Dad, she divorced the first one and married my Dad. Unfortunately, the man was a real gem and decided to punish my Mother and fought for custody and won...My Mom didn't see her daughter for 40 years and then passed away without her evn knowing...

    My siblings and I knew about our 'sister' but could never even discuss it around my Mom so we just let it go...While Mom was in the hospital right before her death, I decided to ask her if I should contact her daughter...Her reply was "When I'm gone you will know what to do"...

    I started searching for her to no avail, she did her best to hide her whereabouts...Due to all the nasty things her Dad told her about my Mom, she thought her Mom was 'evil'.
    He eventaully moved her away and noone could find them...

    After my Dad died and left me some $$$, I thought I should dig further and hire an investigator...I found my sister in one day...I wrote her a letter, she threw it away...I wrote her another telling her about myself and what I thought of the situation and how I was worth knowing and having in her life...She called and left a message on my machine...I knew by her voice she was my Mothers daughter...We arranged for her to come to NY with her husband and we had a wonderful time...She is stuck on the so-called truth that our Mom didn't want her...I have tried to change her mind but realize that her memories are her memories and I feel so for her that she didn't have the realtionship I had with our Mom so I give her the space she needs and I am now proud to say I have a sister that is 20 years older than I...

    It's not a perfect relationship, none are but, she knows I am there for her...

    I also found my hubby's Dad after almost 40 years...That started out great but he was and still is a liar and my husband won't tolerate anymore liars in his life so he stopped trying to have a relationship...You never know how it will work out and you need to prepare for a 'loss' if things don't go well...It can be a difficult road to go down but could also be wonderful...

    I wish you well in whatever you decide...Life is short and you should really know who your family members are...

    Let us know how things go~Alicia
  4. Juloo

    Juloo Member

    Thank you so much for your kind wishes and mamadove, for your story. Another wrinkle is that my father was adopted, so there is another "family" to pursue also -- and I have found his birth family, although there really aren't any blood relatives left to correspond with (that would want to). I was fortunate to find medical information on his mother, and this could be something I would want to share with any half-siblings. Both my father and his birth mother died at 61 of heart attacks, so you can see that this would be an important thing to know.

    I can truly appreciate that I have some emotional times ahead, and I need to be aware that things may not turn out "great", but perhaps only "so-so" or even "awful". My father was gone a lot when I was growing up, so I was very close to my mother, but I have a lot of good memories of my father, even so. It is true that he told lies about my mother, so I can't imagine that the pattern would have been different in earlier relationships. I just got the feeling that my father could not bear to take any type of rejection, and would do or say whatever he could to come out in the best light, despite hurting someone else.

    Also, although I know of her (met her when I was a pre-teen), I haven't been in touch with my older half-sister. The divorce papers I have for my father from her mother coincide with the birthyear of the eldest Texas sibling.

    So there's a whole calvalcade of us out there. The pain in the neck part is that tracing women with a very, very common surname is really hard!

    I'm wandering around in a bit of a daze today. Thanks for listening to my thoughts.
  5. kellyann

    kellyann New Member

    How exciting,
    I hope it turns out well for you. I had a sort of experience of the same line. My father was told that he was the father of this girl who I'll call "Michelle" and since my dad did have a relationship at one time with the girl's mother, he told this Michelle that he would be happy to meet with her and start a relationship. She was grown, in her early twenties. Was married with 3 kids. Anyway they visited back and forth for awhile, my dad lived in Kansas, she lived in Nebraska. Well, my dad tells me all about everything, I am all for it, thinking it is great to have another sister. My dad then starts calling me telling stuff like he doesn't really think the girl is his daughter, that he doesn't think the time matches up with what her remembers of when he was with the mother and all this stuff. Then a couple months go by and my dad dies of a heart attack in the middle of the night. So my brothers and i fly out to Kansas for the funeral. It was rough to say the least, I loved my dad so. I got to meet Michelle and I was as friendly and as open to her as I could possibily be, although in my heart I did not believe her to be my sister. She did not look anything like me or my brothers, or my dad. I just didn't feel like she was blood related to me , it is hard to explain.I have one other half sister I have seen a lot of pictures of, she is way younger than us, and she favors us(my brothers and I) quite a bit. I never wanted to hurt Michelle's feelings, but I have never gone out of my way to keep in contact with her either over the years since my father's death. If she wants to believe she is his daughter, so be it. Do you think I should pursue a relationship with her at this late date? I don't know.
    Kellyann
  6. NyroFan

    NyroFan New Member

    Juloo:

    Nice work. I had to do some ancestral searching regarding an insurance policy and all went well.

    I am happy for you: a new family you've found, late in life, but just as exciting.

    nyrofan
  7. victoria

    victoria New Member

    that is interesting and intriguing at the very least, I'm not sure what I would do in your situation. I guess just proceeding cautiously might be the best thing as it all depends on what your half-sister is like.

    I recently discovered my paternal grandfather had a brother and there was a whole branch of family that had been 'forgotten' about - I used to ask my Dad about family a lot since we had an unusual last name, and he didn't remember anything about anyone else.

    Well, I accidentally found someone with my same name and contacted her & her husband - turned out to be my (second?) cousin, as he in turn talked to one of his uncles who was about the same age as my Dad (deceased by then). This same uncle couldn't remember my part of the family until my cousin showed him my letter - then finally remembered my Dad when he was about 4! Nobody remembers why the brothers/families had stopped talking tho!

    KelleyAnn - genes can be a strange thing, someone can be your full sibling and look nothing like you or your parents. It is a roll of the dice -

    For example, my grandmotherwas the eldest of 10 girls; I have a picture of them, ranging in age from about 30 to 12, with their parents. While most of the girls favor each other and/or their parents, there are 3 who look distinctly different, and the 3 that don't, don't resemble each other either. If it wasn't for home births being the norm, one might wonder!

    So you never know what genes are being combined and expressed... looks aren't a very good way to base an opinion. Bottom line really is DNA testing.

    Keep us posted Juloo on what happens,

    all the best,
    Victoria

  8. Juloo

    Juloo Member

    I'd already decided to do some genealogical queries this holiday weekend. I had tabbed a Cook Co., Illinois (Chicago) professional researcher in a recent magazine. This is a location that my father listed on a merchant seaman's application in 1945, along with a 'next of kin' (another wife I'd never heard of!). I've mulled it over for quite some time and had finally decided to get someone to do some city directory searches for 10 years before and after.

    So I sat down to send off a request for information, and right next to the ad was another ad for a researcher in Harris Co., TX (Houston). So I sent off another for a similar city directory search for the years 1946-1966 for that city.

    If I get anything out of either of these, I'll see if I can get marriage and divorce searches for the same counties/names.

    It'll give me some time to think this all through.
  9. hugs4evry1

    hugs4evry1 New Member

    That's an amazing story and I can't even begin to imagine what it feels like to find that kind of news.

    It seems like life is throwing you curves right now along with a few clues too as to what to do. How convenient that those adds were so close together!!

    I guess right now there's no way to know if they have any clue that you exist either. I'm sure at least the medical information would be good for all, I just hope they can be open to whatever is about to unfold.

    Best of luck to you...

    Hugs,

    Nancy B.
  10. Juloo

    Juloo Member

    I've got this subject running in the back of my mind pretty much all the time I'm awake now.

    I heard back from the Texas researcher today. Apart from her proposal for some directory research, she *also* gave me the web site for the county clerk -- apparently several types of records are free for public search! She'd already done a quick search for the names I gave her, and I got some additional identifying information -- such as the date this person who matches my father's name married the mom of the two potential half-sisters. The month and year matches the month/year date on the slide of the photograph I have of the girl with the name that matches the elder sister. (Yes, they were married when the girl was four and two years before the younger daughter was born.)

    She also found that this older girl married very young. So I have a married name for her, and where they married, but have not found anything yet and am thinking that there is a good chance that they are no longer together, but certainly I'm not sure. I can request copies of the marriage licenses from the county clerk. They would have much more information.

    BTW, today is this woman's 50th birthday -- that's giving me an incentive to do a lot of searching tonight! The only problem is, the county clerk's web site went down early this evening, so I'm waiting on pins and needles.
  11. hugs4evry1

    hugs4evry1 New Member

    I wish you tons of luck with this!!!

    Hang in there...

    Nancy B.