Empty nest

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by vivian53, Sep 7, 2009.

  1. vivian53

    vivian53 Member

    I am sorta embarrassed to post this but am doing it anyway because I want to hear from ya'll..........I am in the middle of what I guess is an identity crisis since my son moved last week. I am all sixes and nines and don't know what to do with myself, or what to think of myself for that matter.

    For so long it was just me and I was content with that, then I got married and I was a wife and mother and I was content with that too. Now my husband has died and my last child moved far away and I am not that content.

    I hope this is a temporary thing. I'm sure I will 'find myself' soon, but in the meantime, any words of wisdom from the board?

  2. mysticbrit

    mysticbrit New Member

    Don't be embarrassed to post about your newly found "identity crisis". That's what this board is perfect for.

    You might not get many responses today since it's a holiday weekend. I'm not taking part in anything special today, hubby & I are both enjoying our laziness. Our downstaires vaccum isn't working so we decided that was God's way of telling us to sit and be lazy. Unfortunately we have 3 very furry animals (2 cats and a very furry dog) so we're going to have to fix the beast soon, or drag the upstaires one down here. Our dog is an American Eskimo, meaning tons of white fluff accumulating everywhere.

    I remember how hard it was when my kids left the nest. When my daughter went to college I thought I'd die, even though I was still working full-time and had her brother still at home. Later, when both left I was really lost BUT I eventually found new outlets. You will too.

    I read your profile and it sounds like you have good friends and a lot of interests. Just give yourself time to work out a new daily schedule. You have lots of opportunities you might not have considered before.

    Do you have any groups or a church with sponsored activities that you can go to? I remember you said you were in a small community. Sometimes that makes it harder but don't rush it. If you're able to get out and about you'll do fine.

    Hope this helps,
  3. Granniluvsu

    Granniluvsu Well-Known Member

    Hi Vivian,

    Imam in your shoes as far as all (5) my children having left and married but my DH is still around so it is a ittle different ballgame for me.

    I am sure it is very hard, as I know other friends whos hubbys have either died or one of them divorced. Yers, it is very different when you are by yourself all the time. However, I think now is the time for you to start thinking about yourself and what makes you happy besides being around your kid(s).

    Do you have any hobboies or things that you enjoy doing like reading, singing, dancing, scrap booking, genalogy, etc. Also do you have friends who could go out with you once in awhile to a movie, go shopping with, play bridge or any other games you might enjoy ?

    I have always loved singing and dancing, music of almost any kind. However, when my kids were living with me I was only able to sing in church choir but once all the kids left and we moved away, I joined a few other groups an we go out and sing to others in nursing homes and such. I also sing with the County Choral Society where we do 3-4 performances a year. With our small group 3 of us used to also dance with our singing group. However, haven't done that since they closed our dance studio.

    That is just some ideas but you can also do some things by yourself or with a group, or a few other ladies or people. Don't know if I have given you any ideas or not but it is at least food for thought. It will not happen overnight especially if your empty house has been recent. It does take some thought on your part,

    Oh, I also started genalogy of our family. We knew so little about both of our families as I just started working on that about 10 yrs ago. You can do quite a bit on your own, on line and in your house too, in your local library (check out their geneaolgy facilitites there or Mormon sites where they hold alot of data.

    These are just a few ideas so starta thinking about it. Now is your time maybe to try something new. Let me know how you are doing. Like I said, it might take some time to finds something of interest to you and then again it might not.

    Hugs to you !

  4. vivian53

    vivian53 Member

    You both have given me good suggestions and I appreciate them. I do live with my boyfriend now so I am not totally alone. I have friends, though not as many as I would like, and I do volunteer work.

    I think the problem is within me as much as from the outside. I think too much of my identity has been caught up in being a mother, and since my son is disabled, a special needs mother. I have been very tied up in advocacy, research, doc appts, etc.

    I guess I need to be more in tune with my needs now and I guess the first step will be finding out just exactly what it is I want and need.

    Before FM I have always been a planner, looking to the future. I have always had goals to accomplish. I had to let those go though. I can't imagine myself doing post graduate work with this brain fog!

    Today I am going to plan my week. I will involve myself in volunteer work, celebrate my 56th birthday with my family, and attend at least three Al-Anon meetings. I will tell myself "This too shall pass."

    And I won't tear up when my son calls or go in to his room and get weepy.

    Jeez I am such a ninny at times.


    ETA I am going to Jamaica for 10 whole days next month with some old college friends. If I become Rastafarian and stay I'll let you know. It may become my new plan for the future, who knows?[This Message was Edited on 09/07/2009]
  5. sisland

    sisland New Member

    Oh yes the empty nest syndrome is such a hard thing to go through!,,My 3 girls grew up and moved away to college and when the youngest one left i felt like i was going to die!,,,,That was 4 1/2 years ago now and alas i'm still here,,lolol,,,,For me the answer was getting a pet,,i got a 6 week old springer spaniel,,collie cross,,and had to become Mom all over again,,

    He definetly was and is still a challange but we really like eachothers company and he helps get me out walking etc,,,,,I'm glad you have a boyfriend there with you ,,,and it sounds like you have some other stuff going on,,,,Hey the trip to Jamacia sounds wonderful!,,,,,,Have fun and know that wer're here when you need to chat!,,,,,,Hopefully your son will be able to make trips home to see you sometimes ( that's the best part!)
    Take care!,,,,,,,sis
  6. jole

    jole Member

    I went into a real panic!!! Even depression set in for awhile, so I can understand what your saying. We certainly do lose our identity for a lot of years. We're wife, mother, housekeeper, taxi driver, etc..etc...and suddenly overnight we're.......what? Totally lost. I felt so worthless, other than my job. That's the only thing that saved me.

    Then I got sick, and lost even the job part of my identity, and the only thing I had left was being a wife and long-distance mom. That was even worse.

    I guess I don't have a lot of advice, 'cause we're all different, but I had to turn to motivational books and anything that reminded me that I still have a purpose...although there are days I'm still not sure what that is...hahaha.

    Guess it's the pure "downsizing" of purpose overnight that does us in, huh? The pain of the heart...the letting go...the giving up..before we can start to enjoy who we really are again. I think we just need to ride it through....it'll pass...and we've all been there. Wishing you all the best, and sending you hugs to see you through.......Jole
  7. vivian53

    vivian53 Member

    Yes it is hard and I feel like such a wuss (I am not sure how to spell that one). I know I'll come out better on the other side, and that I can't hurry my emotions or personal growth. Jole I totally understand what you are saying, I am where you were.

    Do men go through this too?

    I love Springer Spaniels. We can't have one here because of the stickers and heat.

    I love pets. I have a Corgi who is a real sweetie, and take care of my daughters Yorkie during the week while she is at work. I have two aquariums full of fish (one has crabs also) and a cockatiel. They keep me very busy and are good company too.

    My son has called me twice so far, and I am so glad. I am working hard on keeping my mouth shut and my advice to myself (I am so full of it.....all kinds of 'it' really) and am letting him make his own decisions unless he asks for my advice.

    I used to laugh inwardly at other women who felt like this, I thought it sounded so silly when they said they felt lost after their children moved away. Not anymore.

    Yes I am looking forward to his coming home, hopefully in a couple of months for Thanksgiving (it's just right around the corner really). Besides that, since he is now living in Las Vegas, when I go visit I can really live it up! LOL


    [This Message was Edited on 09/08/2009]