(Even MORE) Economic Woes... does it help to laugh some MORE?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by victoria, Sep 17, 2008.

  1. victoria

    victoria New Member

    I hope so...I keep telling myself that, anyway.

    Some of these are really old jokes but still witty, which just goes to show, history keeps repeating itself...

    US Stock Market has a new name - "Ow Jones".

    As you know, the stock market is in a terrible state. The day the "Ow Jones" was unchanged, they called it a rally.


    "I'm thinking of leaving my husband," complained the broker's wife....

    "All he ever does is stand at the end of the bed and tell me how good things are going to be."

    Q: Why did God create stock analysts ?
    A: In order to make weather forecasters look good.


    A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

    Saint Peter asks him, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

    The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, stockbroker, of Noo Yawk City."

    Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the stockbroker, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

    The stockbroker goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and next in line is a minister. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

    Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

    "Just a minute!" says the minister. "That man was a stockbroker-- he gets a silken robe and golden staff but I, a MINISTER, only get a cotton robe and wooden staff? How can this be?"

    "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While YOU preached, people slept; his clients, THEY prayed."


    October-- This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. . . The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February. ~Mark Twain


    The best time to usually buy any investment is LAST year.


    A market analyst is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today!


    The market is weird. Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they BOTH think they're smart.


    Two women were walking through the woods when a frog called out to them:
    "Help me, ladies! I am a stockbroker who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state and I promise to marry you!"

    One woman immediately grabbed the frog and stuffed it inside her purse.

    The other woman, aghast, screamed, "Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into a stockbroker!"

    The second woman replied, "Sure, but THESE days a talking frog is worth more than a stockbroker!"

    And finally, listen up now, because here is

    Helium will be up, feathers will be down. Paper will remain stationary.

    Fluorescent tubing will be dimmed in light trading. Knives will be up sharply however.

    Cows are likely to steer into a bull market. Pencils are sure to lose a few points.

    Hiking equipment may be trailing. Elevators will rise however, while escalators will continue their slow decline.

    Weights should go up in heavy trading.

    Light switches will be off as Mining equipment hits rock bottom. Diapers should remain unchanged while shipping lines may stay at an even keel.

    The market for raisins are drying up while Coca Cola is fizzling.

    However, Caterpillar stock will inch up a bit.

    Sun will peak at midday but balloon prices will remain inflated. Meanwhile, Scott Tissue should touch a new bottom.

    And batteries are expected to explode in an attempt to recharge the market...

    buenos noches...

    [This Message was Edited on 09/23/2008]
  2. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    Thanks, Victoria. I just spoke to a neighbor who pronounced very sadly that soon our money wouldn't be worth one thing, so she'd cut up a dollar bill and pasted in her husband's lunch. It said "In God We Trust".


  3. springwater

    springwater Active Member

    yes, first Ike and now this....when it rains it pours

    thanks for posting Victoria

    God Bless
  4. gapsych

    gapsych New Member

    I needed that!! I am planning on forwarding these.

    Thanks, ga
  5. victoria

    victoria New Member

    altho I still find myself laughing in spite of myself...

    "Financial experts are saying we are entering a new chapter in the American economy. I believe it's Chapter 11." --Jay Leno

    "The stock market crashed this week, but market analysts are not calling it a crash. They're calling it a 'correction.' Oh, shut up! A correction. You never hear that at NASCAR. 'Oh, we had a fiery correction on turn three. Four men are dead.'" --Jay Leno

    Talk is cheap. Supply exceeds Demand.

    "Let me ask you, why are we bailing out an insurance company? I mean, what's the first thing an insurance company does when you have a loss? They cancel your policy, right? That's what we should do, cancel their policy. 'Ooh, sorry, you're too much of a risk.'" --Jay Leno

    Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks:
    'American Can', 'Interstate Water', 'National Gas Company', 'Northern Tissue Company'.

    Due to uncertain market conditions, you have been advised to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean.

    My smart uncle used to have a corner on the market and was very wealthy. This past week he asked his administrative assistant to get his broker on the phone. She answered, "Yes sir, but which one-- Stock, or Pawn?" Now he has a market on the corner.

  6. therealmadscientist

    therealmadscientist New Member

    We need humor nowadays. There does seem to be a lot of new material in newspapers. Cheers, your mr Bill
  7. victoria

    victoria New Member

    someone sent me this today..............

    Subject: AIG Bailout

    I'm against the $85,000,000, 000.00 bailout of AIG.

    Instead, I'm in favor of giving $85,000,000,000 to America in a We Deserve It Dividend.

    To make the math simple, let's assume there are 200,000,000 bonafide U.S. Citizens 18+.

    Our population is about 301,000,000 +/- counting every man, woman and child. So 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up..

    So divide 200 million adults 18+ into $85 billon that equals $425,000.00.

    My plan is to give $425,0 00 to every person 18+ as a We Deserve It Dividend.

    Of course, it would NOT be tax free. So let's assume a tax rate of 30%.

    Every individual 18+ has to pay $127,500.00 in taxes.

    That sends $25,500,000, 000 right back to Uncle Sam.

    But it means that every adult 18+ has $297,500.00 in their pocket.

    A husband and wife has $595,000 .00.

    What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00 in your family?

    Pay off your mortgage - housing crisis solved.

    Repay college loans - what a great boost to new grads .

    Put away money for college - it'll be there

    Save in a bank - create money to loan to entrepreneurs.

    Buy a new car - create jobs

    Invest in the market - capital drives growth

    Pay for your parent's medical insurance - health care improves

    Enable Deadbeat Dads to come clean - or else

    Remember this is for every adult U S Citizen 18+ including the folks

    who lost their jobs at Lehman Brothers and every other company

    that is cutting back. And of course, for those serving in our Armed Forces.

    If we're going to re-distribute wealth le t's really do it...instead of trickling out

    a puny $1000.00 ( "vote buy" ) economic incentive that is being proposed by one of our candidates for President.

    If we're going to do an $85 billion bailout, let's bail out every adult U S Citizen 18+!

    As for AIG - liquidate it.

    Sell off its parts.

    Let American General go back to being American General.

    Sell off the real estate.

    Let the private sector bargain hunters cut it up and clean it up.

    Here's my rationale. We deserve it and AIG doesn't.

    Sure it's a crazy idea that can "never work."

    But can you imagine the Coast-To-Coast Block Party!

    How do you spell Economic Boom?

    I trust my fellow adult Americans to know how to use the $85 Billion

    We Deserve It Dividend more than I do the geniuses at AIG or in Washington DC .

    And remember, The Family plan only really costs $59.5 Billion because $25.5 Billion is returned instantly in taxes to Uncle Sam.

    Ahhh...I feel so much better getting that off my chest.
  8. jole

    jole Member

    Yes, I heard this the other day on tv, and it definitely sounds like the sounder of the two ideas to me! Gee, why couldn't someone in congress see that, instead of deciding on all of us bailing out these big corporations/banks, etc. I still think those responsible should have to clean up their own messes!

    Did enjoy the jokes...thanks for the lighter side!
  9. zenouchy

    zenouchy Member

    Hi Victoria,

    Thanks for the much-needed laughs. I agree with Jole that Congress should have seen this coming a long time ago.

    Ya know, with rising gas and food prices, the average American can't really afford to bail out the corporate fat cats, so I think we should wait for Congress to devise a plan to bail US out from bailing THEM out.... ;-)

    Have a great day,


    [This Message was Edited on 09/25/2008]
  10. victoria

    victoria New Member

    I'm listening to a CD entitled, 'crashes, booms & panics' of the US dating back to 1800 or a bit earlier... this has happened over and over and over. it's amazing how contemporary it all sounds. History repeats itself!

    If it helps any, I didn't bother to check the math but other friends have, they say to knock off 3 "0"s so its 'only' $425.

    But I'm guessing when ALL the bailouts are included, it really might come to that... or at least when all the prior debt is factored in.
  11. Greenbean7

    Greenbean7 New Member

    I work for a financial adviser so you can imagine how much I enjoyed this post!

    To bad the math was wrong on that bail out email that is making the rounds! $450,000 would do a lot more for me than the $450 that it really comes out to. Darn it!

    I copied and pasted the two sections with jokes and will leave it on his desk right next to the crystal ball (ok, he doesn't really have a crystal ball, but at this point it might be the only way to tell what will happen!!)

  12. therealmadscientist

    therealmadscientist New Member

    A few of us are planning a multipartisan party in Washington DC in about ten months. LOL We haven't decided on a guest of honor list, but should be plenty of candidates.

    [This Message was Edited on 09/29/2008]
  13. Greenbean7

    Greenbean7 New Member

    Let's hold the tar and feather party after the election. That way we can get the ones coming in AND the ones going out!

  14. therealmadscientist

    therealmadscientist New Member