I don't like to complain....but I am feeling very frustrated. I'm tired...and tired of fighting. I have a lot of health problems, like many of us do. One thing I have always fought has been my weight. I've always been 20-30 pounds heavier than I should be. Many of you know that I am in college to become a registered nurse, after graduating high school 20 years ago. The stress has been a nightmare for my FM and weight. I was up to 265 pounds back in 2001. I got down to 215~ a great accomplishment. But my weight still fluctuated up and down. I was at 215 when I started school in September 2004, and feeling pretty good. I am tall, big boned, and rather solid, so my ideal weight would be 180. I started gaining weight again while in school and my pain levels went up as well. Yesterday around 11:00 AM, Saturday, my husband asked me if we were "going out" with our friends that night. I didn't want to go, and told him that but I said if we did that I needed to go shopping, which I HATE, because I can't fit into any of my jeans (I have 4 pair). Unfortunately, he gave me money to go shopping. I sweat like crazy, so I figured getting a shower, doing my hair and make-up would just be a waste of time (and energy)to try on clothes because I would end up having to do it over again later to "go out". To make a long story short, I couldn't find ANYTHING that fit me right. I accepted the fact that I needed to be shopping in the womens section, but most of these sections carry older womens style clothing, which is NOT for ME. When I went to the store in the mall that HAS the style clothing I like, the 2X didn't even fit me. Their 2X = regular XL. So I called my husband and left him a message that I was exhausted and just wanted to crawl in a hole and die. I told him again that I didn't WANT TO GO out. (For what ever reason, he never called me back.) I went to one last store and found a pair of jeans for ten bucks. Now, I needed a shirt. UGH!!! I asked God why I had to have the additional burden of being overweight when I have SO MUCH wrong with me as it is? Isn't being in pain every day enough? Isn't living, or trying to live, with all our problems daily and for the rest of our lives, enough? GOD~ WHY CAN'T YOU JUST TAKE THIS ONE THING AWAY? I knew I was having a pity party for myself, and I know that I have some control over this issue, but I am just SO TIRED of FIGHTING for EVERYTHING in my life. We all know sometimes it's just a FIGHT to get out of bed in the morning. I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE! I feel like giving up...on everything...school...weight...life...pain relief....everything. My step-daughter begged me to go along last night, so I pulled myself together, got dolled up and went. I had an ok time, but wanted to leave early. We didn't. We ended up at Denny's after the bar closed, and finally got home at 4:00 AM. I couldn't even hardly walk across the parking lot when the night was over. My step-daughter told me how nice I looked last night, which meant a lot. Even her friend told me my jeans made my butt look good. LOL!!! My husband was watching a few girls there last night, one in particular, which usually doesn't bother me. But it did last night. After all I went through to go last night, he didn't even tell me I looked pretty, as usual. (Another reason I don't wear make-up unless I do it for ME.) I'm back at the gym working-out and doing what I can. I'm trying...I'm really trying, but I just don't know how much longer I can go on. I'm sorry for dumping on you all, but I just had to GET IT OUT! At least HERE I know people will REALLY understand what I'm going through. Thanks for reading this. "E"