Ever ask GOD, Why me? WHY ME?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by CockatooMom, Jun 4, 2006.

  1. CockatooMom

    CockatooMom New Member

    I don't like to complain....but I am feeling very frustrated. I'm tired...and tired of fighting.

    I have a lot of health problems, like many of us do. One thing I have always fought has been my weight. I've always been 20-30 pounds heavier than I should be.

    Many of you know that I am in college to become a registered nurse, after graduating high school 20 years ago. The stress has been a nightmare for my FM and weight.

    I was up to 265 pounds back in 2001. I got down to 215~ a great accomplishment. But my weight still fluctuated up and down. I was at 215 when I started school in September 2004, and feeling pretty good. I am tall, big boned, and rather solid, so my ideal weight would be 180. I started gaining weight again while in school and my pain levels went up as well.

    Yesterday around 11:00 AM, Saturday, my husband asked me if we were "going out" with our friends that night. I didn't want to go, and told him that but I said if we did that I needed to go shopping, which I HATE, because I can't fit into any of my jeans (I have 4 pair).

    Unfortunately, he gave me money to go shopping. I sweat like crazy, so I figured getting a shower, doing my hair and make-up would just be a waste of time (and energy)to try on clothes because I would end up having to do it over again later to "go out".

    To make a long story short, I couldn't find ANYTHING that fit me right. I accepted the fact that I needed to be shopping in the womens section, but most of these sections carry older womens style clothing, which is NOT for ME. When I went to the store in the mall that HAS the style clothing I like, the 2X didn't even fit me. Their 2X = regular XL.

    So I called my husband and left him a message that I was exhausted and just wanted to crawl in a hole and die. I told him again that I didn't WANT TO GO out. (For what ever reason, he never called me back.)

    I went to one last store and found a pair of jeans for ten bucks. Now, I needed a shirt. UGH!!!

    I asked God why I had to have the additional burden of being overweight when I have SO MUCH wrong with me as it is? Isn't being in pain every day enough? Isn't living, or trying to live, with all our problems daily and for the rest of our lives, enough?

    GOD~ WHY CAN'T YOU JUST TAKE THIS ONE THING AWAY?

    I knew I was having a pity party for myself, and I know that I have some control over this issue, but I am just SO TIRED of FIGHTING for EVERYTHING in my life. We all know sometimes it's just a FIGHT to get out of bed in the morning.

    I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE! I feel like giving up...on everything...school...weight...life...pain relief....everything.

    My step-daughter begged me to go along last night, so I pulled myself together, got dolled up and went. I had an ok time, but wanted to leave early. We didn't. We ended up at Denny's after the bar closed, and finally got home at 4:00 AM. I couldn't even hardly walk across the parking lot when the night was over.

    My step-daughter told me how nice I looked last night, which meant a lot. Even her friend told me my jeans made my butt look good. LOL!!!

    My husband was watching a few girls there last night, one in particular, which usually doesn't bother me. But it did last night. After all I went through to go last night, he didn't even tell me I looked pretty, as usual. (Another reason I don't wear make-up unless I do it for ME.)

    I'm back at the gym working-out and doing what I can. I'm trying...I'm really trying, but I just don't know how much longer I can go on.

    I'm sorry for dumping on you all, but I just had to GET IT OUT! At least HERE I know people will REALLY understand what I'm going through.

    Thanks for reading this.
    "E"
  2. kgangel

    kgangel New Member

    HI,

    I am glad that you can GET IT OUT!!, as you said, by coming to this site, with other people that understand you and just letting it out. That is what it is all about sharing ups and downs with us.

    I know that you were feeling down and that it seemed as though so many things were and are bad for you, but you also mentioned so many good things like going out with your step daughter and friend and them telling you how good you looked. The fact that your step daughter cares for you in that way is very nice. Also, you did say you had a pretty good time..That is nice too!!

    The fact that you go to school through all your struggles is another good thing. It is amazing that so many of you can do that to make your life better.

    As for men, they are just men, for the most part looking at another women is just part of their everyday life. They forget or get comfortable enough with their wives and forget we like to hear how nice we look from time to time. But, he did give you shopping money so maybe he did want you to see if that would help you to feel better about yourself.

    As for the other things you mention, over weight, working out and how hard it is to deal with that, I agree with you it is hard to deal with getting the extra weight off and also knowing that having the extra weight off would probably make us feel better. I too strugle and always have with extra weight. I can not get out and exercise with out being in pain, alot of pain. I have FM , MPS back problems and have now been diagnosed with RSD the RSD pain is the worse pain of all the rest. It brings me down a lot. So I have tried to just do as much as I can everyday. Take the dog for short walks, try eating as healthy as I can and just take one day at a time. Giving up, I just don't want that to even be something I think about. There is too much life I would miss out on and I don't want to give up looking for a cure or give up on the doctors until they help me.

    I hope you won't give up either, you have too much to live for and stressing about how heavy you are can only make the pain worse, so please take one day at a time, take short walks enjoy the scenery, take deep breaths, hold your head up, be happy with all the good things and just do the best you can

    God Bless
    Hugs,
    kgangel

    I hope this helps :)
  3. CockatooMom

    CockatooMom New Member

    Thank you, kgangel for your reply.

    It did me good to look at someone elses perspective and I am grateful. I am still feeling a bit depressed, but know that it will pass, eventually.

    I could really use some more replies, I hope a few more read my post.

    Have a great day! And thank you again!

    "E"
  4. Oh yes why me? It's bad enough we have this dd and have to deal with it and no one understands what we deal with. But then the weight gain that comes along with it because you can't do things you used to do is so depressing.

    I know what you mean about seeing your husband watching other women, it is innocent, but makes you feel badly doesn't it.
  5. Zzzsharn

    Zzzsharn New Member

    Hi E--

    I to went out this weekend, and you sound EXACTLY like me.. We could have met at the mall and sweat together! I cry in every dressing room I go in- starring at this stranger in the mirror.

    I hate being over-weight, wasn't always- and it's so difficult to find anything to wear that's young and fashionable and not a tent- and I LOVE the empire shirts with the really high waist, but they make me look like I'm 7 months pregnant.. and that's not good when your chuggin a coors lite!!

    Know that you aren't alone and that there's nothing wrong with a little junk in the trunk and a rack upfront!

    Take care
    Zzz


    I just realized we are both in PA-- I'm near Pittsburgh.[This Message was Edited on 06/05/2006]
  6. onlythestrong

    onlythestrong New Member

    Where your coming from,I have always had a problem with weight and went on the Adkins diet I know alot of people say it's a bad diet but the thing is in my fibro book it said we should avoid sugar and starches so I tried it and boy did it work.
    I did lose 60 pounds but more so I began to feel better.
    I'm not saying it's for everybody but if I can help at all I will!
    Good luck and Take care,
    Mary
  7. NyroFan

    NyroFan New Member

    E:

    I once heard or read this:

    'Someone asks God: why me?
    And the answer comes back: Why not you?'

    We all carry some burdens. For us in constant pain it becomes so much more real.

    nyrofan
  8. 1sweetie

    1sweetie New Member

    I'm so glad that you dumped here. I've done it several times and I felt better once I had written the post. Several times it was hard to see what I was typing for the tears.

    I'm really glad that you posted about something different because it happened to me. We may be different people but we are all so much alike.

    Recently, I went through a very similar situation. Until I became really ill with CFS/FM, I was proud of my appearance. How things change. First I was so ill that I could not take baths for days. Even after I began to be able to even take care of my most basic needs, I did not have the energy to fix my hair or put on makeup. And like you I now sweat so profusely, when I try it, my hair just keeps re wetting itself and the makeup pores off my face. Then I started gaining weight. It was amazing because I forget to eat, am nauseated, my stomach bloats, and I have difficulty swallowing.

    Each season, I had to buy a larger size. This is getting expensive and it is exhausting to shop. I wear comfortable lounging outfits at home because I can't stand the pain of the clothes touching my skin and they must be cotton. I had an appointment and went to my spring/summer clothes that I had just bought last year. I can not wear them. I gained 18 lbs in 11 months. I now weight what I did when my son was born and I gained 45 lbs with him. Yes I CRIED. Again I went to the store and had the same problem that you described. Nothing fit. All of I sudden I was needing an XLarge and in 2004 I was in a size 8.

    With CFS, you can do very little exercise...not enough to loose weight and there is little room to change my diet. I know there is a physical problem but that does not make me feel any better about myself as you so well understand.

    My husband has always liked petite, small women. He would always make comments about women that I actually thought looked good. He use to tell me how proud he was to be with me. He doesn't say much anymore. He isn't critical but I keep hearing those past comments in my mind. We are probably our own worse enemy...always striving for perfection.

    I am trying to focus on getting better and to understand that I am doing all that I can do. It is hard for me and I understand what you are feeling. We need to accept what we cannot change and change what we can and I am sure our health will be better. I have been told that acceptance is a big step and that you must reach that point before you can begin to heal.

    But I have not asked why me? I had breast cancer several years ago and never questioned why me then and I will not now. Why not me? I am not better than anyone else. By keeping this attitude, it helped me survive dark days and nights. There is a reason for everything.

    I have struggled more with this than I did loosing both of my breast though. It is never ending and it keeps on giving. There are days that I have no longer wanted to be here either but I have watched people struggle to stay here and lose their battle and I know it would be selfish on my part.

    You did the right thing by coming to the board. It grounds me. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I know it doesn't help your pain but it is good to know there are people that don't even know you and that they care and relate to your pain.




    [This Message was Edited on 06/05/2006]
  9. sfrazier

    sfrazier New Member

    and then throw in the extra what have I done so wrong in my life to deserve this. I'm one of those usally that when something bad goes on in my life I ask myself what I can learn from this. Well the Fibro has taught me nothing but pain, loneliness and desperation. I am fighting with my weight right now too and it just doesn't help the pills they give you tend to make you add on weight. Right now I loose about a pound a week and that is if i'm lucky and haven't added a pound back on or just stayed the same.

    If you want to find some clothes that are somewhat in style try walmart. I'm only 43 and refuse to wear mumu's or big flower print shirts. If i look at walmart i can usually find something that is nice to look at and fits me. I don't normally need a lot of clothes cause I don't go out much but another thing to try would be denim dresses. They do tend to cover some of thoses issues we women have. lol.....SueF
  10. suzette1954

    suzette1954 New Member

    I go to the grocery and they have to put my groceries on the line and Im sweating like Ive been in a shower!

    Be careful what you pray for.

    I had been praying for God to take me home. Ive planned my death with any of the 27 meds I take each day. Then I changed it to just please take me home. Im soo fat and the pain is sooo bad, and I cant go out anywhere anymore. Going out to eat is my favorite thing and now Im lucky if I feel like it every 2 mths.

    I was sitting in the hottub at the YMCA a few weeks back. I was still asking God to take me home. I saw a woman that you could look at and see she had lost lots of weight fast. Alot of skin hanging everywhere. I ask her how she lost the weight.

    She said, Be careful what you pray for. She had been telling God all of these things she didnt want to get with obesity. High blood pressure, diabeties and all the others. She said,"He gave me acid reflux soo bad, that I could no longer swallow my saliva". She lost 100 lbs in 6 mths.

    Im now very careful what I pray for. Im much more thankful that I can get out of bed after the pain all night. I dont talk about or pray about death anymore. God does answer prayer, but it may not be the way you want.

    Best wishes,

    Suzette
  11. Zzzsharn

    Zzzsharn New Member

    Wow, what an eye opener.

    It's very hard not to get to the point of just wanting to give up.. and God Bless us every day for toughing it out.

    I always tell people who give me that pity look when they see me struggling, I say.. at least I know what my cross to bear is.. my demon is chronic pain.

    Be well,
    Zzz
  12. ANNXYZ

    ANNXYZ New Member

    An honest answer is that all of us probably ask the WHY
    question at times . And we all ( at least I think I speak for the women because we are emotionsl and do not deny our emotions ) get to the same place you are now . We get soo dam sick of having no control over our lives and feeling inadequate and unproductive .

    Then after having an emotional meltdown we get back up on the horse and try to make the best of where we are today .
    I am glad you came here and spoke your hurt . I wish I had some words of comfort for you . One thing that is in your favor is your youth . The people I knew who recovered have mostly been under forty .

    Remember this , that the images of fantasy women are simply that " fantasy " pictures . I sometimes enjoy reading the tabloids to see that the celebrities do not often look much better than me when they are in candid photos . Almost all women have ups and downs with their weight , and we all have times we feel unattractive .

    Do not allow yourself to believe that just because your weight is above normal that you are destined to be a heavy person. You sound like a focused and determined lady , and those qualities will help you get your body to a shape that you feel better about . I bet you are a pretty young lady too , and just feeling overwhelmed by
    the illness which colors our perspective at times .

    You might want to tell your husband that it is a proven fact that all women need consistent messages of the
    " you are desirable" nature . Why are men so slow on this point ? This could provide great fertilizer for the
    romantic adventure they usually seem to place a priority
    on.

  13. kgangel

    kgangel New Member

    Hi Again E,

    I feel so bad when I see some of the responses you have gotten. I too fight every day to look better, I hate the way I look and have to fight off the negative feelings I get from looking in the mirror on a daily basis.

    All I can say is there are more important things in life then how much you weigh and unfortunatly society makes us believe other wise and it is such a sad thing. No matter where you go and who you see there are negative comments about overweight people. You can tell it is true by the answers you got to your question. Even though we are facing other daily struggles the biggest one we can not deal with seems to be weight.

    Look inside, show the world what you look like from inside. If you are glowing on the outside with your head held high, it makes a big difference on your appearance. Have you seen the women on TV and in Movies and even big size models?? They glow and my husband even said the model for JCPenney, I can not remeber her name, I think it is Emme, she is a plus size model and he thinks she is one of the prettiest models he has ever seen and I agree

    Look really hard sometimes at the models, movie and TV stars sometime and see their faces are really not that great and sometimes they look so skinny that you can see bones, what is so good about that?


    So please , take one day at a time, do the best you can and get out of the slump, there are more important things in life

    Hugs,
    kgangel

  14. lin21

    lin21 New Member

    To be honest I cannot read very long posts but on your title this is how I feel. I have to keep the faith that my GOD has given this to me for some reason and that there is something he has planned for me, I cannot allow myself to get blindsided with peoples pettiness and all the other challenges we come in contact with everyday (which I have) I have to try to stay as focused as I can , pray to God and Mother Mary to guide me and found that "something" that I can do to make this world a better place.
    Good luck and don't get down on yourself, try to stay as positive as you can, GOOD LUCK!!!
    p.S. Take baby steps and have courage to change the things we can!!!
    Lin
  15. mme_curie68

    mme_curie68 New Member

    Oh, Sweetie, I hear ya!

    My weight has always been an issue for me and that combined with the FM is conspiring to keep me thoroughly depressed.

    I am trying to work on mine, a bit at a time. The pounds are coming off but with all the speed of a tortoise stuck in mud. It's so NOT like my twenties, where it seemed as long as I paid attention, I would lose what needed to be lost.

    Now it feels like I'm never making progress at all.

    I was a size 6 before I had my kids. Have never been south of a size 8 since baby number one and a size 12 since baby number 2 was born.

    I am pretty short. The only good thing about my weight is that I distribute evenly all over so I never look like I weigh as much as I do. According to my diabetes endo. that I saw when I was pregnant and postpartum for the gestational diabetes, I should weigh 120 lbs.

    I have never laughed so hysterically in my life. I told her maybe, if I was really lucky I could hit 130. Over a year later, and how much have I lost since that visit - 10 lbs on a good day between the thyroid problems and the FM - with a good 35 lbs still to lose.

    My Mum, who also has battled the bulge her entire life, is kicking my butt in the weight loss department. Which makes me feel even worse.

    But, you know, I'm doing the best I can. If 10 lbs a year is the way it's gonna be, then I guess it'll take a while.
    Progress, not perfection. Don't beat yourself up - this DD is already beating us up enough!!

    Hugs,
    Madame Curie
    [This Message was Edited on 06/06/2006]
  16. texasmaia

    texasmaia New Member

    You have no idea how much I can relate to what you wrote! I was a size 5-7 all my life.....three years ago at the age of 39 I am dxd with FM and I am a size 16-18 now. I am only 5'3" tall and have gained over 60 pounds in two years.
    On my little frame that is ALOT of weight!!!!

    I know the heart-ships you are having! I truly do, and I too, am tired of the fight. I have lost 'Me' and am grieving that tremendously right now.

    The only, and I mean ONLY ...reason I am still fighting (if you can call it that) is because of God! Why me? Why not me?? As horrid as my life feels like it is right now, I know that it could be worse. All I have to do is talk to my friend who is dying alone of breast cancer, to realize that.

    I am replying to this post for one reason.....Please please don't ever believe that 'GOD GIVES YOU THIS DISEASE'!! If you truly know God, (and I am not implying anyone here does or doesn't) but if you really know Him, you know that He 'Allows' things to happen to us but He NEVER EVER 'GIVES' them to us. Please don't believe that lie!

    I don't want to sound preachy here or anything like that...but in the depths of despair that I find myself at times the only ray of hope I have is in my Lord.

    When I am questioning God I find the easiest way to understand him is to turn things around and look at my children.....example:

    ***Would I ever 'give' my beautiful little girl a disease like FM, or Cystic Fibrosis or anything else in order to answer her requests or to teach her something????

    ***Would I ever "Push my little girl off of her bicycle" in order to teach her how to ride a bicycle and to stay on it????

    Of course Not! Would I let her fall down when she is learning to ride her bicycle? Well, yes...even though I wish I could be by her side and hold her up as she glides down the street...I will "allow" her to fall and skin her hands and knees and come to my lap and cry.

    Will my little girl blame me for crashing on the sidewalk? Maybe. Is it my fault? No. Could I have stopped her from crashing? Sure, I could have kept her off the bike. I could keep her safely by my side and never learn to ride the bike. Ah, but she would never get to ride down a hill with her feet sticking out and squeeling with the wind!!! She would miss the little bicycle parade with streamers and balloons on her bike on the 4th of July. She would miss the freedom of a quiet ride in the evening with a friend.

    I know it is really hard not to blame someone for this garbage we must live with! I KNOW! I struggle with the blame issue all the time, and the why me's.....

    Just try to remember when you are questioning....that your Father wants you to ride your bike with all the streamers it will hold, the wind blowing through your hair and your hands off the handlebars up in the air!!!

    Maia
  17. lovethesun

    lovethesun New Member

    told me that I needed to be 160lbs.I'm 5'7".large frame,triple D breasts that weigh 5 lbs each(yes,I weighed them)I was 22. and have lost 20lbs.i thought that I was doing good as I'm on Effexor and other things that make you gain.I was 190 when I hit 40,13 years ago.I could possibly get to 180 but no lower.It's just not fair.If your husband loves the inner you,then you are OK.Looking is just that,Looking.Hope you find a way to realize what a special person you are.Linda,one of your many friends on Immune Support.
  18. tanu

    tanu New Member

    I am sorry to hear you are feeling low today.Been there.

    We all ask these questions.I try to look at others worse

    off and then thank my stars for what i have ,this helps me

    sometimes but doent stop those bad days from coming.We all


    go through bad days and have our lows.It is important to look

    out for your mental and physical wellbeing.You may not

    realise how important you are in the life of your near

    ones.Remember you are special,and we all really care about

    you.If you still get bad thoughts then consult your doctor

    or keep writing to us,get counselling if needed.Sometimes

    men dont vocalise thier thoughts as much as women do.I

    usually ask my husband How do i look ,while my daughter

    always tells me when i am looking good.
    [This Message was Edited on 06/06/2006]
  19. insanelady

    insanelady New Member

    Hi there

    I have asked that but then I heard that God does not do this to you. He is not a mean God our bodies actually do this to us. It is in our genes.

    Yes! I too have the weight gain. I am 4'11" and use to weigh 95 pounds soaking wet. Now I weigh 145. Big difference. I have to spend more money on clothes because even though I need bigger I have to still shop petites because of my height.

    I have IBS which acts up from time to time and take Zelnorm for it and take Nexium for Gerd. I also have a hiatus hernia that swells from time to time and my abdomen swells when the IBS acts up...then I look pregnant.

    I hate this Fibro it has done so much to me. I already had an underactive thyroid which I think is acting up at this time also.

    So honey just remember it is not God doing this to us our bodies are rebelling.

    Hugs


    Insanelady

    AKA: rosiline
  20. desertbreeze

    desertbreeze New Member

    i have never asked god why me. only because there are people out there with really bad life threateing illneses. my sister has one. i talk to the lord and tell him that i

    know the pain that he went through for us and that i can learn to deal with it. its not easy as we all know sometimes i have felt like i cant take it and then before i know it im feeling better. i pray alot to different saints i was brought up catholic so i pray alot for every one
    even people that i dont know.