ever feel like you want to die?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Aeronsmom, Jul 9, 2008.

  1. Aeronsmom

    Aeronsmom New Member

    I do alot...I actually think of death.....I think to myself... "if I am dead I won't feel this pain anymore!!

    I know this is wrong to think...but the pain in my shoulders back, neck and jaw is so bad that I think of ways of ending my life...I don't know if I would actually do it....nothing is helping my pain and I cry about the pain in silence.....I don't want to show this in front of my husband or kids......

    is this making me a bad person/mom.wife?????

    love to all, Ann
  2. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member

    I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I do not think you are a bad person but, rather someone who is overwhelmed with this DD.

    Are you getting any help with this? I think maybe you should if you are able to.

    Also, although it seems as if we have "no life" left a lot of the time, I find it useful to jot down the good thingsk and also to keep a pain log. I find that when I do this there are times in the day when I have less pain.

    Strangely, when I had to just face up to being in the hospital with my son and sleeping (if one can loosely refer to it that way) on a 2ft wide torturous cot - because I had to be so very focussed on his needs, I found I was less aware of my pain, and felt a lot better both physically and emotionally.

    I do think that with any chronic condition part of the problem is that we are forced to focus on our pain, be it physical or mental. For eg if you are talking with a good friend should you have one, do you find yourself aware of, but not prioritising the pain? For this is what we do we prioritise the pain, it takes a hold of us, so I guess what we need to do is try and find ways to dodge that usurping of the rest of ourselves by this DD.

    I think many of us are alone a lot, and people tire of hearing how we are feeling. This is why we are all so good to one another here as we know others want us to shut up or put up, which then makes it all even harder.

    I know many will respond here, and I hope that from each one of us you find a little hope and cheer.

    Big Hugz and blessings,

    Love Annie
  3. caffey

    caffey New Member

    I think if we are all honest we have all had those thoughts at one time or another. All I can say is when you find things are getting black and seem hopeless reach out and talk to someone. Don't go alone. There are many people in your life who love you. Let them help you through those awful times. I know we don't want to reach out but it is what we need to do. Above all there is a a whole family here for you any time.
  4. tandy

    tandy New Member

    your an honest person looking for answers as to why we suffer without help, or without being heard~

    Believe you me I've often thought about it.
    and PAIN is the reason 100%.
    meaning I'm otherwise a very happy person.

    I've done everything but cry to my drs. to get some help with pain control,... and I got nothing.
    I figure if I cry it'll just make me look like I need mental help.

    your not alone,
    sending you huge hugs cause I know where your coming from
  5. texangal81

    texangal81 New Member

    Quit trying to be so strong and brave. Tell your husband about your pain. Yes, it will make him feel helpless but it will help him understand. What you tell/show your kids depends on their age. Obviously you don't want to scare or upset little ones.

    Go to a doctor and take your husband and start demanding relief. If they refuse, then find another one. I'm getting to the point where I have to have my vicodin every day and if I don't have it, my day sucks. My doctors are dragging their feet about giving it to me so I'm going to pain mgmt doc on Friday. If he won't give it to me, I'll find another who will. If all else fails, I'll get it illegally online. People in pain have got to FIGHT BACK and demand relief. I'll start getting ugly about it and I'll risk being labeled a drug seeker just to get the relief I not only need but DESERVE.

    You aren't alone sweetie. NO ONE should have to bear this burden alone. Turn to your hubby and your kids if they are old enough to understand. They can help you in so many ways.

    If you love them, you won't destroy their lives by checking out early. My ex-fiance who I loved with all my heart had a gun to his head one night until I screamed "don't you DARE DO THIS TO ME". I said "forget YOUR pain for just one minute and think about mine and how it will kill me if you do this". That seemed to get through to him. So turn to your family, not away from them.

    Remember, we are always here for you too, even if you just need to vent about how all of this SUCKS.

  6. Aeronsmom

    Aeronsmom New Member

    some much each and everyone of you who responded to my post,
    I love coming here and reading and replying to others, we are the only ones who know what we are feeling ...inside and out.... I will try my best to keep going and to continue on fighting for relief..having M.S. makes this even worse......
    but like you all said I have my family here on the board and at home to think of.

    i love you all,

    your sister, Ann
  7. doloresf1

    doloresf1 New Member

    I only now saw this post and I just wanted to respond to encourage you.

    I'm sorry for all your pain and suffering. It really does suck! Mine is of the FMS/OA variety. But it's chronic pain, sometimes severe too.

    I wanted to tell you that yes, I've felt like I don't want to live many times over these 12 years since I've become ill. I've hand the thoughts and feelings, but never acted on them. What gets me through is having learned that things change. When I've had all the pain I think I can stand, I find if I hold out then a better few hours or a better day comes along. And when that better moment comes I get excited about living again. That's when I clearly see what I have to live for.

    For each of us our reasons to go on will differ. But, Ann, if you can hang in there then the feeling will change, however briefly, and you will have another moment of hope. A moment of "good stuff".

    Come here and talk with us whenever you need to. We really do care. And we really do understand. Okay?


  8. Granniluvsu

    Granniluvsu Well-Known Member

    I really cannot think of that much else to say other than I read your bio and you surely are dealing with alot of physical problems. I know how horrible you cana feel especilly with you responsibilities of a family .

    Others have given you so many wonderful answers to your post. I understand as it took me aboua 25 years to get dxed and I almost did it myself to tell the truth. At the time I came down with FM & CMPS no one knew anything abaou tit along with some CFS. The pain has always been the worst part for me.

    As Erin said you have to take care of yourself Bring your husband with you to these visits to let him see what goes on . Hopefully he undertandsyour condition(s) and can give you some support. I know after awhile I just gavae up on doctors myself as no one had any answers at that time.

    Youmight also mention your feelings to the doctor if you get the point where you feel like you are going to completley lose it. You might need some depression meds but some of these docs think everything is in your head (-: !!

    I know my therapy is my singing and perhaps keeping busy with something you love will help somewhat. I know with pain, sometimes it is hard to concentrate but other times it helps you to be able to forget about it awhile.

    I just wanted to give you some support as the others have. Please update us and call on us if you need someone to talk to again or for any other reason.

    Hugs and blessings,

  9. sisland

    sisland New Member

    Wow This Board never ceases to ammaze me!,,,,No matter what anyone of us are going through ,,,,We can count on comming here for Support!,,,,,You are a very special Gal and we want you here!!!,,,,I Know it's Hard,,,,,and we all just wonder Why there hasn't been any Break throughs in Research for us,,,,,,,,thats a sore subject!!,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,I'm praying that you are feeling better by now!,,,,HUgs and Love! Sis
  10. hugs4evry1

    hugs4evry1 New Member

    If you haven't already, please go to your doc and have your thyroid levels checked.

    The only time I've felt similar to how you're feeling was when I was found to be hypothyroid but not yet medicated for it. Know your levels and fight for medication if you have to, as I did.

    We all seem to be on the immune system roller coaster. Btw, at this time, I had to fight my doc to convince him that something (else) was wrong with me, he wanted to stick my symptoms in the fibro basket along with everything else.

    But I KNEW something was wrong, it's not normal to feel this way and medications can help. (although I'm not surprised at the numbers of us who know exactly what you mean)

    Keep fighting Ann, we'll be here for you when you need us.


  11. tandy

    tandy New Member

    One day at a time,... some days are worse than others.

    My FIL broke his leg and shattered his heel 2 yrs ago,... after he healed (about 6 months)? he was still in alot of pain and his drs. WOULD NOT continue
    any pain meds.
    He suffered for a good while untill his wife went to his next drs. appointment and acually yelled at his dr. ,saying my husband is in alot of pain!!
    He needs something damn it!!!
    They then gave him a script for pain meds. (lortabs).
    had it not been for his wife speaking up,.. he'd still be suffering.

    Drs. are stubborn. Most don't have a clue what its like to have pain every single day.

    we're always here if you need to chat
  12. fibromickster

    fibromickster New Member

    Ann, Elaine couldn't have said it any better, especially since she has been through what she went through and it brings tears to my eyes.

    Honestly, to answer your question, yes, I have felt like I wanted to die too. I am sure it is normal especially with the pain we are all in. However, then I think what if I was gone? How would my girls fare and my husband. Also, I think I want to be here when my girls get married, when I have my grandchildren, etc.....

    It does help to talk about it and I hope besides us on Pro Health you have someone you can talk too. There are a lot of free programs out there. Maybe through your church.

    I am so sorry you are feeling this way Ann. Hang in there and just know that we are all praying for you and thinking of you and are here for you when you need us.

    [This Message was Edited on 07/10/2008]
  13. hugs4evry1

    hugs4evry1 New Member

    How are you doing? Hope to hear from you soon.


  14. jasminetee

    jasminetee Member

    I feel like this every single day and have for years and yet, oddly, I'm not depressed. I still love life and as soon as I feel up to it I'm up and doing something or at least down and studying etc... but I deal with constant illness and intractable pain and it's continually getting worse. I feel like a useless eater most of the time.

    I know I can't do anything that would shorten my life though, I learned that from people who have shared their stories online like S-Elaine bravely does. I don't think God want us to quit when life gets hard and challenging. It surprises me that we can live through so much pain though.

    You're not a bad person if you think about wanting to die. You're obviously suffering a great deal and see no way out. It is nice to see how much support and understanding there is here.

    Hugs to all and keep hanging in there.