Extremely toxic marriage is wrecking my health (CFS)...so sick

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by CinCA, Mar 11, 2006.

  1. CinCA

    CinCA New Member

    As I've typed in posts before, my 7 yr. marriage has deteriorated to a very, very toxic situation (as in "toxic people"). I have no one to turn to for financial help or even shelter, though, and I am too ill to be able to hold down a job. There's also the issue of our 4 y.o. daughter who has problems of her own (high-functioning/borderline autism but doesn't qualify for help).

    Hubby was gone this week on business and my mom was here. Trip served two things...first, to confirm that I did not miss hubby AT ALL (didn't even talk on phone 'til later in the week, and that was really for daughter's benefit). My mom being here secondly confirmed just how challenging my daughter really is, "above norm", and just how overworked and underappreciated I am, even in my "stay-at-home" mom capacity.

    I am sick of all of it, literally and figuratively. I am quite miserable in this new home, and my body is rejecting what sure seems like a totally different, much drier climate. Allergies have come out of nowhere and are bad, my skin is so sensitive and is so dry it peels like a sunburn unless I slather moisturizer on several times a day, and my hands crack and even bleed along the knuckles. This no matter how much water, Gatorade, etc. I drink.

    I know I am a prime candidate for major depression, much as I try to stay strong and stave that off, because I can't even consider any sort of meds. to help due to my extreme sensitivity, all my life, and severely bad reactions to ADs, etc. in the past when I was dealing with bad postpartum stuff.

    I have to say I desperately want to end the marriage...I just need the strength to get out. I am really considering throwing some basic stuff in the car and moving back to our old house, as it doesn't seem likely to sell anytime soon, anyways. It's really the only place I have to go, and at least I have some semblance of friends and routine, both of which are vital to my sanity at the moment. But I feel so guilty putting my daughter through all of this, whether she comes with (which would be hard, as she's enrolled in a new school, etc.) or likely stays with dad as he'd hunt me down to take her anyways.

    I am only posting this because all of the stress and the utter ZERO support I get in ANYTHING re: my health from hubby is causing my CFS and general poor health to spiral out of control, and me to get to where I don't even have the energy to do anything positive to try to correct it (like eat healthily, etc.). I can't even sleep well, and I have a chronic red, irritated spot on my face that won't heal no matter what I do and what I've been told is due to stress and the extremely high toxin load in my body/stress on my organs from it.

    I know that no one can wave a magic wand or really give me any answers. I just hope and pray somehow I find something that works, and it is clear my chances of being truly healthy are pretty close to zero if I stay in this relationship, much as I so hate to become a divorce statistic. It devastates me in that this is happening when we already have a child, but at the same time, she is by no means seeing a good parenting model herself, much as we try to insulate her from our bickering and nastiness.

    Anyways, I continue to be in a bad CFS flare, likely "herx-ing", too, and I so appreciate everyone's support. I wish I could just have a good cry, but I don't even have the energy for that.

    Thanks so much for listening, and sorry I needed to vent. How do you get through all of this? Does anyone else also have NO support other than this board? I really, TRULY don't, and I am not making this up...I am quite genuine. Any ideas to gather the strength I need would be so appreciated.

    Thank you again.
    a still badly-flaring C.

  2. AnnJ

    AnnJ New Member

    Dear Cinca,
    I feel so bad for you. I wish I could do something to help you but be assured that I praying for you daily.
    AnnJ
  3. kch64

    kch64 New Member


    Do you have enough financially to get out? You've said this before in your others posts that this marriage was making you sick.

    You need to step out and go. Your daughter will be o.k. and you will be much better for her. Just think of how she'll feel if you start to get healthier?

    She'll be so much better off for it.

    Make your plan and go.

    my best to you.
    Kendra
  4. CinCA

    CinCA New Member

    All our finances are joint, everything. I have to tread carefully on this. I think as soon as I have private time I need to find a local atty and at least do another phone consult (did one by our old place briefly a few mo. ago). I need to know my rights to start.

    I so appreciate everyone's help and support. I know I will get through this, somehow, and honestly, it seems like you all are my only friends these days. Thank you so very, very much! And ((((((big hugs))))) to all!

    C.
  5. ilovepink4

    ilovepink4 Member

    i cam only speak from my experiences and i have no idea what your situation is....

    i have been married 19 years....there have been times that really have been horrible....but if we ride it out, it gets better...especially if we decide that is what we want...

    abuse is altogether a deal - breaker...as Dr Phil would say....:O) i just wanted to share that things go in cycles....i have experienced good and bad then good again...illness really can make things miserable...we are still adjusting to my dx three years ago...

    also, i think that once the honeymoon is over, every marriage gets stale...

    i am not advising you in any direction because i don't know your situation....i just wanted to share that things seem to go in cycles...that in our marriage things always get better with time....
  6. CinCA

    CinCA New Member

    And yes, I am taking all of this very seriously, which is why I haven't flown off the handle and filed already. There is a very long history of problems with me and hubby, and I think I could clearly show much of his behavior and attitude as being emotionally abusive and controlling. But without physical abuse (which fortunately there is none), it turns into an ugly "he said, she said" situation, and you all know I am disadvantaged with all the side effects of the CFS (brain fog, mood swings, etc.). Trust me, if things ever escalated to clear-cut abuse I would call the authorities and have him removed in a heartbeat, or if I EVER thought he would hurt our kiddo. He is not that kind of person, really (and even if he was, he knows way better and has very good self-control). He is just sick of me getting sick, like many spouses/family/friends of people on this board. Yeah, like we wake up each day and say, "Oh, thank you Lord for giving me yet another day of living with CFS, FM, whatever!" But I am digressing....

    I really don't see this as a "wax/wane" situation, as it has more been a steady decline over several years and the marriage showed issues as early as before the wedding/even on our honeymoon. But I just wrote it off as "pre-wedding jitters" or all the "first year" stuff. We also had a good deal of external stress and continue to do so. But it now is all taking an extreme toll on my health, and that I cannot continue to deal with. Esp. this move...my body really just can't take the stress now, esp. as there are so many nasty people up here and I have not been able to make any headway in finding support. I just don't have the energy to make a whole new life right now, and hubby cannot understand this. I'm also sick of the verbal abuse...he told me earlier how I was being such the "stuck-up b****" when I again was saying how hard of a time I was having. I probably am, but I just want off the change roller-coaster! Sure many of you can relate.

    Well, it's past my bedtime, and hubby will likely storm in here soon and demand I get offline. He even accuses me of having an online affair, because I am usually on this site and close it immediately because I don't trust him and need to keep all this private, esp. if I do need to seek legal action. It's ugly.

    Again, I really appreciate the warm replies, and for those of you with similar situations or challenges, my heart goes out to you and I hope you find answers, too.

    Thinking and praying for all of you, and that somehow I figure out things for myself as well,
    C.
  7. day2day

    day2day Member

    My mind is not thinking clearly, but I am sorry you are feeling so lost.

    Does your mom near you, could you stay with her for a while?

    Have you tried with your hubby couple conseling?

    I just found this site for early intervention for children in your area, ( so Cali ?)......they provide it looks like all kinds of services for kids here is the link http://www.taskca.org/

    I suggest you call them to help get your daughter some services......I got in home support behavioral services for my son, and have a case manager for him, he has medical issues as well.

    I have a son who was alot like your daughter sounds,his daycare lady had to buy him a leash,first time it was necessary in over 10 years of her running a license day care. Very bright boy, but many challenges!! She nor I believed in them till my darling son found his feet at 8 mos. old and never stopped running lol.


    Another thing you can do is call United Way, alot of states have 211 to contact them, they have a wealth of agencies and services to help you find what you need.

    I'm not sure if you mean by toxic with your husband, is he being abusive? If so you can get safe housing if you are being abused, again United Way could point you in that direction.

    I don't know your situation, but I figure this info might be a starting point for you.......hope it helps you. Don't give up hope, and take baby steps.


    I hope this is of benifit for you, please let me know how it goes for you.

    day2
  8. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    sorry your move has not been so nice...i sort of don't know exactly to say...

    except...maybe you could get ssi/ssdi for your daughter becauseiof her condiditon...maybe antoher mother here could answer that for you...also call an attorney's office for that, free advice just ask them if it would be possible or cases are won based on your daughter's condidtion...

    as far as divorce...there are opotions as to women's abuse shelter...they will have all kinds of advocate working for you....for free...they can get you a section 8 choice voucher...ou will only need to pay 30% of your income...which is not much right now...but there is help out there...it may not be as a comfortable and financally secure but you will be free to make your own choices....

    hugs toyou

    jodie
  9. BelleoftheSouth

    BelleoftheSouth New Member

    Is there a way that you can stay with relatives until you get back on your feet?

    Have you taken your daughter to be re-evaluated?

    A toxic marriage is not a good thing, been there twice and I like my freedom just fine now.

    My fibro comes from extreme physical abuse from those two men. As you can tell I really knew how to pick them :(


    Sit down with paper and pen and write all the 'pro's' and the 'con's' of this marriage....maybe...just maybe if you and your husband can sit down and have a heart to heart and he sees what he's about to lose then things could turn around and you both can find what you saw in each other when you first met...

    Take Care of YOU first, the rest will follow.

    Belle~
  10. NyroFan

    NyroFan New Member

    Cinca:
    As to having no friends except here on the board: count me in. I live in virtual isolation and very seldom leave the house. I did manage to take a trip to my sister's place, but am glad to be home. So, yes: this board is my outlet.

    So sorry about things on the homefront. When I was reading your post I saw a glimmer of hope that you could go back to your old house. It seemed like a real possibilty to reduce your stress.

    I hope things go well for you. In the meantime: get plenty of rest. With all the stress your body, most likely, needs fortification.
    Hugs,
    NyroFan
  11. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member

    i AM WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

    Firstly, I want to tell you that under the Federal IDEA regulations, if your daughter is borderline autistic (this would be described as Pervasive Developmental Disorder not otherwise specified (PDDnos) is how it is written up, then she absolutely does qualify for help. Without a doubt. You MUST make certain the school district addresses this and puts the correct supports in place now. She absolutely qualifies for early intervention, and maybe will qualify for some DD financial help if your income is low.

    I have moved a lot, and I am not an Anerican. When I first came to live here I knew only one person in the whole entire country. So I relaly identify with how lonesome you can be feeling.

    I am also sorry that your marriage is undersuch a cloud. Is there any way you could get more counseling? I want to just say that a child is always happier with happy parents. If the marriage is her listening to constant negative bickering, then that is not a good situation as you have mentioned. Is there any way DH would move back for a few weeks whilst you both get some thinking time, rather than have you disrupt your daughter.

    Do you belong to a church? I am not a religious(but spiritual) person yet today we decided to join a local(moderate) church just so we would have a support network. We maybe not go along with a lot of the program per se, yet we can take out of it that which applies to ourselves. Immediately, my son enjoyed the classes and we met some people. Found out they run a Habitat for Humanity program we can help, they have weekly dish to pass suppers, so we can go to those.

    I think when one knows few people that doing just one thing can make a difference. Do you have any support network at all?

    You do sound depressed and I wonder if you can get something for this.

    If you would like to discuss any aspect of how I may help(I was a psychologist for many years) I will do all I can to reach out for you. One thing I would say is to try and develop a tactic that does not draw you into bickering. Even just saying the truth, "I can discuss this later, but we cannot discuss this in front of our child", and just sticking to that may work. Is your DH violent at all? Not all violebce has to be physical. Violent threats and language qualify. This harms a child as much as physical violence. If so, then you really need to be away from him. He will be as unhappy as you are, and the way you are trying to deal with it(both of you) is clearly not working at all.

    Do you have any hobbies that would bring new friends into your life BYW? Or are you well enough to volunteer an hour here or there?

    I feel so badly for you and wish that you can just remember you are a good person and try and steer clear of arguing which will just make you feel worse.

    Love Anne C
    [This Message was Edited on 03/12/2006]
    [This Message was Edited on 03/12/2006]
  12. cynny3

    cynny3 New Member

    Cinca,
    My heart goes out to you, what a horrible way to have to live. Your husband doesn't sound like he has a sympathetic bone in his body and I'm so sorry for you and your daughter.

    Not sure what to say, but I completely understand why you are in such a stuck place. My girlfriend divorced/separated with a 3 1/2 year old son about a year ago for similar reasons; verbal abuse and no understanding of her CFS and panic disorders. They were married 9 years.

    I wish I could tell you she's doing well now, but unfortunately getting her footing hasn't happened yet. Her son is in even worse shape.

    I'm not at all suggesting you don't divorce, but I guess there is no easy answer. My mother divorced and although there were many years of struggling, the three of us turned out ok.

    In my own marriage I have two young sons and about two years ago, I had to call 911 to arrest my husband for hitting me in front of my 3 year old. We're still married. I found that as I made my own health the number one priority and took care of my FM, the marriage actually got better to my surprise.

    I truly hope this is just a bad cycle and things will start looking up really soon.

    Cynthia




    [This Message was Edited on 03/12/2006]
  13. mlrarr

    mlrarr New Member

    Hello,

    I am so sorry to heat all tha crap you are going through. I also live in So CA in Bakersfield. I am a special education advocate for children. I have two children one with regular Autism and one with Aspergers syndrome (high functioning Autism) I have had to fight the system for them. Do you have a regional center where you live? You should call them and tell them your daughter needs a evaluation ASAP. They will help you to find programs that will help her. Also here in Bakersfield we have a search and serve program that is with the local school districts that will do test and place your kids in the proper placement as far as schools...
    It is very tiring and energy zapping but in the long run its the best for your daughter.
    As far as your husband.. Do you not have any family that can help you? I dont have any family that lives in Ca either. I am blessed with a wonderful husband but there was times that I was in your shoes. I put my mind around it and thought one day to myself...If I was on welfare I would get a check so I will treat my husband like the welfare people...Hes a check only. I threw myself into my kids (I have 7 in all) got busy taking care of them and all he was there for was his check. Oh I made sure he was fed and his clothes were clean but he never got a rise out of me. He knew it also. He would try to get me mad but he couldnt. I cut myself off from him and he knew it. He didnt like it. Finely one day he ask me if I loved him and I said "Im not in love with you" when he asked me why I told him. We really got to talking, for hours we would just sit and talk.. It grew its been 26 years and we are better than ever.

    I hope you can get some help. Remember we are all here for you and whenever you need to vent go ahead!!!!

    Take care
    Melinda
  14. ceebird

    ceebird New Member

    Hi Cinca,
    I'm new here. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and I'm sorry it's such a rough time.

    I don't know you're situation and I hope this doesn't sound silly but I just wanted to let you know about 2 books that touched me and have helped me cope with my "difficult (toxic) situation". The first is "The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian and the second is "Captivating : Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul" by John Eldredge,Stasi Eldredge. They both spoke to a part of me that has felt malnourished in the midst of all the physical turmoil of this illness and the stress of trying to hold a family together.

    On a side note, I know in my mind that my husband is frustrated because he knows he can do nothing to help me. I think that sense of helplessness makes him bitter and nasty at times. I just try to not react that way. I can't control my body and I can't control him, I can only control how I respond.

    Good luck and huggs and love.
  15. Prunella

    Prunella New Member

    We had our daughter in private schools. When she got to HS she was failing classes and could hardly do the work. We had spent a lot of time and money on tutors thru the years and because of that she did not qualify for special ed even though it was obvious she could not do the work.

    My husband met a woman who was a special ed teacher in our district. She told him that it is not well know but there is a classification called OHI (other health impared). We had our daughter retested and requested she be considered for OHI. I was very polite and spoke up for her as much as I could. She was accepted! Your state may have this or something like it. These kids that fall thru the cracks need help. OHI was never mentioned to me at the first meeting. You have to ask for it.

    Having a child like this can put a great strain on a marriage. I hope you can get some help there.

    Melinda had a lot of advice for help in your state. I also found her marriage advice quite interesting. Sometimes you never know what will happen if you stick things out.
  16. hugs4evry1

    hugs4evry1 New Member

    There is no advice in the world that's going to save a troubled "toxic" marriage.

    I'm sure you've thought of all the alternatives like therapy, waiting for happy times etc...all by yourself.

    Only you know how bad it is, and how it's affecting both you and your health. And it will affect your daugher as well...don't let anyone ever tell you it's better to grow up with parents in a horrible marriage. Children learn what they Live!

    If she's watching Mommy be controlled and verbally abused, she'll learn that by example it's "ok". Even daughter's of a healthy and happy marriage like mine, can grow up to be in abusive relationships if their self esteem is low.

    And verbal abuse and controll issues ARE abuse...it doesn't have to be physical to hurt.

    We did a thread a few months ago on "tips for leaving an abusive relationship" and maybe you can find it with a search. We detailed things that we can do and where to go to find help.

    The fact that your husband travels may be a benefit for you.

    I'll try to find that other thread for you and bump it if I can.

    Hugs,

    Nancy B.

    I've had no luck doing a search for the thread for you. I'm wondering if someone deleted it when they got upset and left the board? So sorry....
    [This Message was Edited on 03/12/2006]
  17. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member

    aNNE HERE just wondering how you are doing today. You were so low yesterday I thought I would check in.

    Love Anne C
  18. kch64

    kch64 New Member


    I'm checking in on you too. Hope you have a better day today.

    Hugs,
    Kendra
  19. janieb

    janieb New Member

    Cinca,

    I won't pretend to understand just what you are going through, but I've had fibro for about 15 years and it has affected my marriage. My husband has never been abusive, but certainly neglectful. At one point, I told him it was divorce or counseling. My feeling, at the time, was that he would never agree to counseling. To my surprise, I've found that most men will go when it's that or nothing.

    Now my hubby has some serious health problems and I've been as supportive as I am able to be. I've also found that the last year his attitude has improve by leaps and bounds. He's now rececorating our walk-in basement and won't let me help because he knows it's too hard on me.

    I've seen messages on line from husbands who support wives with fibro and they're pretty good. Perhaps there is a group for that type of man.

    God bless.

    Mary
  20. finnigan1229

    finnigan1229 New Member

    My husband of 19 years told me 3 weeks ago that he didn't care anymore - didn't care I was sick. Never have had any support from him - but this was the final straw. I can't work and need the insurance from his job - so am stuck. Just wanted you to know that you aren't alone in this.