Facing facts and grieving losses

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Seeseaisme, Nov 7, 2005.

  1. Seeseaisme

    Seeseaisme New Member

    Hey everybody, it's been a while since I had the time to post or reply on the board. Looks like I'll have time now, my family doctor pulled me off work from 11-4-5 till 12-7-5.

    The doctor and I had a long conversation about what's going on. I have had problems at work for the past month - you all have been there - caught up in office politics and power plays. To make a long story short, I was given a new team leader who knows nothing about our department - how it works, what schedules we have, what equipment we have to have to work with, etc. I have been in the department longer than anyone, 4 years and I made her look bad because everyone asked me, not her what to do about certain situations. I would insist they talk to the team leader, not me, but the more this happened, the more resentful of me she became. She is a "pet" at work and had me removed from my department and put in a job; they could train a monkey to do. There's the old joke - "my replacement is on his banana break". haha

    This scenario has been playing out all through the month of October. You seen, in September I had improved so much and believed I was on the road to recovery (lol). We all know that isn’t so. But I did feel good about my improvements and myself. I don't mean to say we can't recover and get better, but I was over-doing it. I was working 40 hrs a week and pushing myself. Why? I guess because I was trying to prove to myself and my family I wasn't giving in and giving up. But I'll tell you this much, I went down fighting. So for that, I feel good about myself.

    Now I face the fact I have limitations. I'm in a big flare and depression has hit hard. I went to my family doctor and his suggestion is to up the cymbalta from 60 mg to 120mg per day and he wants me to look for another job. In fact, we bargained that he'd give me a month's leave from work, if I'd have a psychiatric evaluation.

    Ha! Says I. Like I could find another job that would be worthy of my talents, making the money I was? So I said, doc I can't do it. I don't think I can work anymore, I just really don't think I can do that.

    So, we did not discuss my filing for disability. I believe it was an "unspoken" word between us. That was when he suggested the psychiatric evaluation. Maybe I'm reading too much in that, but I'd probably have to have a psych eval anyway to apply for disability, wouldn’t I?

    Well, that's where I am now. I'm grieving the loss of my position at my workplace, the loss of my self-confidence and dignity from my employer, the loss of income for a month, as I have exhausted all but about 5 days of short-term disability. Which believe me, isn't much money at all. But it's something.

    Where do I go now? We just never know when that turn in the road will happen. That's where I am folks. A lot of changes have happened to me in a couple of months and it's all a bit much to deal with. Don't get me wrong, I relish the thought of getting to sleep in and won't miss the morning traffic so much. I just wish I could be the "old" me. I miss that so much.

    I miss making plans and keeping appointments and doing impulsive stuff with my family. I have not had the energy at all to do anything fun for so long. Maybe this will be a good thing? I might have enough stamina to go to my nephew's wedding in 2 weeks and some left over for the reception.

    I know it's not the end of the world. It might, however, be the end of my days of employment. The only jobs I can accept now would be part-time at a local retail store starting at about $6.50 an hour and that's hardly worth the waste of energy I have left. I need a rest and I think after my medical leave is up I'll have to resign from my current position.

    One of the big issues with my employer was that I wanted to have Sunday morning off so I could go to church and take my granddaughter to church. Her parents, my daughter, and her finance are not churchgoers right now and I am her only grandmother. Her father is a preacher's son, to beat all. I feel a duty to see to her religious upbringing. She is 5 yrs old, possibly could be my only grandchild and I love her dearly.

    When my boss told me I was going to another dept, I thought, "well that won't be so bad, they can let me work a different schedule". Wrong! The boss said she would still expect me to work Sunday mornings. I was even willing to accept every other Sunday off, but NO, that wasn't even a consideration. I can accept corporate greed and work Sunday mornings or give up.

    I'm giving up. I think the Lord has better plans for me. So pray for me guys and give me some feedback on my mental state. I really need it and would appreciate it.

    Here's wishing you joy and peace in your day,

    [This Message was Edited on 11/08/2005]
    [This Message was Edited on 11/08/2005]
  2. suzetal

    suzetal New Member

    I all most had the same thing happen to me.But I refused to step down.I had just worked to hard to get my promotion.

    My district manager kept asking me are you sure you can handle this.I said oh yes I can.He was male did not care for women and he pushed hard.

    I was putting in 60hr weeks.Salaried not supposed to do more than 48.

    One day a fellow manager had to drive me home 45 min one way another followed him to take him back.

    My DH took me to my doctors and she was so upset that I pushed so hard that she took me out of work for 1yr.FMLA

    After 1 month my DM called and asked how I was doing.Told him I'd be back.He didn't care about me he just wanted to fill my position with a man and he did.

    I am on disability now but I would love to be able to work again.It took me a long time to get were I was at and I was proud of myself.

    I never finished High school had to take care of Mom.So that promotion really meant alot to me.

    Your right the Lord does have other plains for us.My step daughter had a little girl in June and has to work.So I get to babysit my new Granddaughter every week.

    Your not giving up.Your doing whats right for you.That is not giving up.


  3. Seeseaisme

    Seeseaisme New Member

    Thanks for your kind words. It means so much to me now. I'm not devastated by this by any means. I just need to vent it out of my system and see what other's think.

    I'm sorry you had such a hard time of it. I believe good things will come my way in time. I'm no stranger to depression and I think I've headed it off in the canyon (
    as the cowboys would say).

    Have a great day and great to hear from you.

  4. Jen102

    Jen102 New Member

    can i add my two cents? if you are getting to the point where you maybe are unable to work, then think smart about the future. you have likely planned every other economic move in your life, why not this one? Do you have a long term disability policy at work? if so, ask for a copy from hr and read it. see what disabilities are covered and what limitations apply. some deny payments to those with illnesses like fibro or chronic fatigue. most have a clause which provides that payments will only be made for 2 years if your reason for disability is mental health. make sure your doc is on board. if you think you have a physical problem rather than a mental health problem, then tell him so and state that you do not wish to have a psych eval. is your doc just trying to pass you off on someone else, or not know what to do for fibro or not believe your complaints? and yes, i understand that you may have depression and anxiety as a result of the fibro, but first establish that they recognize your physical complaints. if you have a psych eval and you have limitations in your disability policy for mental health disabilities, you will have problems! talk to your doc about steps short of quitting which he might support--working limited hours, fmla leave, more breaks, etc. if he can't get on board for that, then he definately won't support a disability claim. if he works with you, he will have a stake in your situation. you may find, he is not a helpful doc for these purposes, and you may wish to find someone else. it is very hard to go to a new doc and ask for medical help and also ask them to support a disability claim. they may mix up your motives, so it is best to have a relationship with a doc who will support you when and if the time comes.

    your head is probably spinning, but i have been thru this, and these are the only things that saved me. i feel for you! blessings to you. jen102
  5. Seeseaisme

    Seeseaisme New Member

    Thanks Jen for your thoughts on this. To be honest, I haven't always thought smart about my future, nor planned economic moves in my life.

    I have suffered from posttraumatic stress disorder, chronic depression, anxiety attacks, and probably "other" psych problems for a great deal of my life. I was a victim at childhood, and during my teenage years. When you're young like that you can't fight back and have no defenses. It's just what life dealt me and I had overcome this by great degrees, but when I get knocked down by life, I don't "think", I react. So I have a great deal of psychiatric problems that are evidently unresolved and rearing their ugly heads again.

    Basically, I need help (lol). As far as work goes, I don't want to go back to this job. The people I thought were my work friends have ostracized me. I am feeling a lot of bitterness, rejection and betrayal right now. I have had at least 15 employers in the past 25 years and this last job was a record holder with 6 years there.

    My family doctor is a good guy and tries his dangest to help me. I trust him and don't believe he would do something that would be harmful to me. I have a follow-up visit with him in a month and we will talk turkey then (discuss disability). Country talk there. I'm country and blonde, but I'm not stupid.

    I'm tired and feel like a truck ran over me. So if I'm a little growly and defensive try to understand. I asked for opinions and I appreciate yours.

    Thanks and caring thoughts sent your way,
  6. Pianowoman

    Pianowoman New Member

    I'm so sorry that you are having such a rough time. The grieving your old self, your lack of energy and your wanting to do things you can't is so familiar. It's an unfortunate part of this DD.

    You may decide that you want to quit your job altogether but don't do it before you have really thought it through. You have time now to step back and take stock. I would reinforce the suggestion of looking into the benefits at your current workplace.

    Perhaps you will decide to find something part time, more suited to your energy level. While doing that you could pursue some more treatment options.

    You don't necessarily have to have a psychiatric evaluation to get disability but don't completely dismiss the idea.It could be very helpful to you given the way you are feeling.
    I am on disability now and it is the best thing I could have done. Pushing myself got me into all kinds of trouble as it does with many of us.

    These are just some ideas; everyone is different and you need to make your own decisions. Just know that many of us have been where you are and we know how tough it is.

    You have my understanding and I hope you find an answer that really works for you.


  7. Jen102

    Jen102 New Member

    i hope i didn't offend you. no, you weren't defensive. And don't think i am prejudiced against someone with a mental health diagnosis. I am speaking from my experience. i have been sick for awhile, and while is is sometimes possible to find a doc who believes fibro exists today, it wasn't always that way. it has been a difficult road for me to get attention and treatment for my medical condition. docs always tried to pass the buck and sometimes tried to "blame" my mental state, whereas, grief came from losing my full and exicting life to this illness, not the other way around. I guess the point of my comments is to think ahead if possible to the ramifications. A safety net is sometimes in place as one of your benefits of working, and you should do what you can to preserve this benefit for you and your family. if circumstances are such that this is beyond your ability, that is sometimes the way it goes and little can be done about it. however, if you can perservere and do a bit now, it may have long-term benefits for you. i am wishing you all the best. you have a difficult situation and you have my full support whatever happens. Jen102
  8. Seeseaisme

    Seeseaisme New Member

    I'm ok with all you said. I have a month of leave approved from work and will have some time to really think about what I want to do. I do not have long term disability at work. I only have short term disability and only have about 5 days left before exhausting that. The rest of my time will have to be without pay. My dh says that's ok. We really can't afford for me not to work, but my health is more important than the money, at this time. We will do ok. Our son still lives at home and he can pitch in a little extra (he's 21).

    I just need a lot of rest right now and the psych. eval is not necessarily for disability. The doctor and I didn't even discuss why I'm being sent for one. Since I have a history of major depression at least being diagnosed 5 times, it's probably a good idea to see what condition my condition is in (lol).

    Thanks for your reply. If anybody else has input, please let me know. Thanks

  9. jaltair

    jaltair New Member

    I'm sorry that you've had such a bad time with the new supervisor, and I understand the dilemna. You don't need additional bull shit to deal with . . this DD is enough!

    If you want to keep the job, I'd go "up the ladder." Explain the situation and how you would really like to remain on the job.

    Another angle to play is the angle of discrimation. Discrimation against one's religion is a definite federal "no no." You could make a complaint that would help to change things and at least come to terms with having a Sunday at least every other week off.

    Also, going to a psychiatrist isn't really that bad. If you are honest with the psychiatrist, it can be a big help. They understand what a person is going through with these DD's. I've thought of going to one just to be sure that the meds I'm prescribed are the best for my situation and to discuss some of the problems I'm having with my family, etc. as far as relationships. If I went to one, he'd most likely refer me to a family therapist, but at least it would be on record that I don't have a major psychotic disorder.

    Whatever you do, know that you have support from the Board and from me in particular. Please let us all know what happens. Prayers are there for you my friend!

  10. ldlmullins

    ldlmullins New Member

    This is the 2nd time I have responded to a note. I too, have grieved over my past life to the point that it became my life. I was a marketing/sales manager who traveled all over the US, Canada, and Mexico. The first thing my RH dr told me to do when I was diagnosed was changed jobs. Yeah! right! I was single at the time with a large mortgage. I ignored his advice for 8 years until I had no other choice.

    I had remarried and divorced in that time, founded a new woman's organization in the rail industry, was very successful in my job and having the time of my life, I thought. I became a hazard to my self with my weakness and fatique in my constant traveling and never being able to rest and regroup mentally and physically.

    I changed jobs 2 more times, finally started my own marketing company and ran that for a while until that became too hard, could not travel anymore. During that time, God sent a wonderful into my life who told me, he would take care of me for the rest of my life.

    Neither of us knew how bad my FM would get, or how I would fell emotionally and mentally about not being as active as I was. We found out in the first year of the marriage. I grieved for 4 years, tried pain clinics, took meds by the bushel. And still my hubby hung in with me.

    I finally got my disability and not because any of the drs
    I went to helped. I explained to the judge about my life, my days of not getting out of bed, brain fog, depression
    and how much I really wanted to work, but could not do it any longer. My case was probably different from most cases because my work was specialized and the rep. from the labor department testified that my skills would not transfer over to anything that I could possibly do to sustain myself financially. In fact, the judge said, he had never had a person try to talk him out of disabiliy.

    Like you, my faith was my life line. I wish I had had someone to talk to when all this was going on.

    You can make it. Let the world go on its merry way and refocus on your new opportunities that are waiting for you.
    Everyday is a chance to overcome a challenge in our lives.
    That makes us stronger.

    Bless you and keep the faith,
  11. Seeseaisme

    Seeseaisme New Member

    Thank you so much for your replies and support.

    Pianowoman - thank you for understanding. I am taking my time on everything this week. I'm not dwelling on this too much, but occasionally I step back and reflect. I've learned, after many lessons that hindsight really is 20/20. I don't want to make a mistake, but I can't go on this way. I have a month to think things over.

    jaltair - yes there is a lot of stinky poopy with this dd and I find new facets to it all the time. Your suggestions are good, but I'm so tired of fighting. I have tried these tactics, (only voiced them to my supervisors), and they did not get me anywhere. I have been wading through this sewage for 2 months now and I don't want to feel like crap everyday I go to work, knowing and thinking, what's going to be the issue of the day, but I don't want to be a weenie either, to be or not to be that is the question. Also, I have had psych evals before and it does help. Thank you so much for your prayers.

    idlmullins - sounds like you have really done everything possible to keep from being disabled. Bravo to you, my friend. You also didn't go down without a fight. I'm happy you found a partner that cares for you so much. My DH would die for me, and I for him. Keep the faith and thanks for giving me your time.

    Anybody else out there. I'd like to keep this thread going. I do not want the attention; I want some suggestions and feedback. I have a major life decision to make and am at a crossroads. Ultimately, what I do is my choice, but give me some thoughts on this. I have tough skin so don't be afraid to be honest, but keep in mind I'm not made of stone, so be honest, but gentle (lol).

    Do a good deed for somebody else today; you could be their bright spot. Seeseaisme
  12. Seeseaisme

    Seeseaisme New Member

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