Fair Weather Friends

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by kjade, Apr 16, 2008.

  1. kjade

    kjade New Member

    I have a friend whom I have known for about a year now. She is one mom of one of my son’s friends. We have become extremely close over the past year – she has become very special to me, since I rarely see my friends from childhood that often anymore. Sometimes I just need a girlfriend to talk to since dh doesn’t understand a lot.

    Anyway, apparently I must have done something (I have no CLUE what it may be) to upset her. She had left me a VM message on my cell that I didn’t get because the VM was messed up on the phone. Then another time she sent me an email which I didn’t get right away since I only check it every few days.

    Also when she has noticed that I am getting closer to one of the other moms, she will immediately start doing things to sort of “take that person away” from me – just like back in high school. It is totally juvenile behavior, and no one owns me! She did not bring her son to my other son’s b-day party for some reason, and never bothered to call and RSVP or anything. I have left her messages and sent emails and she hasn’t responded. I have no idea why……I just would like to know. I became so close to her….I shared things that I should not have, and who knows what kind of stuff she may spread around the neighborhood?

    All I can say is, I have been hurt and betrayed for THE LAST TIME!!! I will NEVER, EVER allow anyone close to me again. I was stupid to allow this one too…..perhaps I will never try to help anyone again. We are in our 30’s and far too old for this nonsense.

    Has anyone ever had a friend do this to them and never know why or what they did wrong?

    I feel better now that I have vented.
    ANy advice?
  2. AnneTheresa

    AnneTheresa Member

    I had something similar happen to me. The person in question, I'd been friends with for ten years. I knew he could be immature about interpersonal relationships, he often talked to me about his difficulty with other friends (because, I later learned, he was very demanding, almost possessive.

    He had a lot of good points too, obviously, or I wouldn't have bothered. We used to see each other weekly for coffee at his house and conversation.

    At one point, I told him I'd be out of touch for a little while because I would be withdrawing from painkillers and likely would not feel up to visiting. After a few days of rest he began calling me, every day, saying I should be feeling better by now, to give him a call.

    I wasn't well enough to call but I had my partner (he was friends with him, as well) call to tell him I was still under-the-weather and that I'd call him when I felt up to it.

    He stopped calling for a day or two, then began calling everyday, then several times a day, leaving many rude and guilt-trip-inducing messages.

    As it happened, the withdrawal from pain meds left me in terrible shape, more pain than I could bear and a horrid depression. I was in no shape to call, visit or talk to anyone, and I didn't. I turned my phone off and took care of my own self as best I was able.

    After two or three months - and many rude phone messages - I called him to try to make amends and explain my absence. He was polite enough during the conversation but immediately afterward he began leaving rude messages again so finally I said to myself 'enough is enough' and I simply stopped responding to his (very rude) voice mail.

    After several month's passed, he called my partner to see if he would like to come to his house for a visit. My partner asked him 'Is it okay if I bring Theresa along?' and he said 'No, she's not welcome in my house'. My partner responded to him by saying he would not visit anywhere that I was not welcome. So, that was that, end of the friendship.

    I felt bad that my issues were responsible for my partner losing a friend too, but my partner had been fed up (with this same kind of immaturity, over an over again) so he didn't mind the loss.

    I typically don't let-go of friends, I'll work through the issues until resolution. In this case, though, I couldn't seem myself moving back into a less-than-healthy relationship, just for the sake of peace.

    Advice? I think what you do about the relationship depends on whether or not you would like to have this person in your life as a friend. If you'd like to go back to friendship, than you should talk it over, find out what's what and whether or not it's fixable.

    If you decided that you don't want this person in your life, then what you do will depend on whether or not you feel a need for closure. If you feel a need for closure (if even to find out what it was she was upset about) then you might want to initiate a conversation. If you don't feel a need for closure and you don't want her in your life anymore, I'd suggest you just let go. Move on.

    One last piece of advice; please don't give up on people altogether. You may want to take what you've learned from this in order to prevent a similar situation from occurring with someone else but don't give up completely.

    Some of the things I learned from my experiences with friends is

    'How to identify red-flags (early clues about a person's behaviour and/or personal integrity that could cause problems down the road. For example, if a person likes to gossip about others, there's a good chance they'll gossip about me, therefore they're not a good choice for a friend or

    'How much personal information to disclose to a new person' I've learned to take it slow with people and not divulge personal issues too often or too soon. This was a difficult lesson for me, learned after a (so-called) friend twisted and used personal information against me during an argument.

    'Weather or not our basic values match'. I don't need for friends or potential friends to believe exactly as I do (I'm open to making friends with people of different religions, politics, lifestyles, etc.) but there are a few fundamental values that are important to share. This includes things like equal rights between people, no stealing or flagrant dishonesty, respect for all beings etc.

    I wish you the best with this issue and whatever you decide to do (or not do) I hope you achieve a good peace of mind.

    God bless,
    Anne Theresa

  3. stick2013

    stick2013 Member

    I just started a thread a couple of days ago named Crummy Friends.

    You are only in your 30's...I am into my 50's and this still happens.

    I am so tired of having friends and then getting burnt, that I have just about isolated myself of late. I don't want friends, then I can't be disappointed or hurt by their behavior.

    Sometimes they feel that if you aren't devoting everything to them, well.......That's that!!!!!!

    If you are sure the friendship is done, well then I guess you just need to move forward. If you want to try again, then call her and ask her point blank what her problem is.

    I'm sorry this is happening to you too, but the more people I talk to.....This happens a lot.
  4. lgp

    lgp Well-Known Member

    Listen to Elaine. She is dead on right on each and every point.

    I will add this, when my kids were smaller, I went through the same BS with a few 'friends.' And when I came to realize that these people weren't necessarily people I would have selected on the outside to be my friends, but rather were people I was kind of thrust together via circumstance (my children), then the BS didn't bother me as much. But I do agree, at the time it can be frustrating,obnoxious, and hurtful.

    And do not let any one person make you believe you were stupid and that you would never try and help anyone again. Don't empower an a** with that, and secondly, I'm calling your bluff. You know you WILL try and help someone else again..in a heartbeat. You know you can't stop yourself, and that's what your afraid of. Admit it, you're a good person!!!

    [This Message was Edited on 04/16/2008]
  5. kjade

    kjade New Member

    You are all really wonderful….will you all be my friend??? I know I can always count on everyone here to help and to make me feel better.

    Thank you all for sharing your own stories with me, and offering such great advice.

    I’m not sure yet if I am overreacting or not on this……I know me and ALL of my friends lead very busy lives. So maybe she’s just busy. But I am very hurt that she did not bring her son to the B-day party or call to say she couldn’t make it. To me that shows total lack of any class or consideration.

    Anyway, our sons are on the baseball team together, so I will see what happens then. Maybe she will play her high school games and get all the other moms to ignore me. I am just so hurt about all of this. But I really appreciate all of you responding to me….it means a lot. Everyone here is so very wise. Thank you.
  6. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    Kjade -
    I did not read all of the responses so I may be repeating something.
    Why in the world would you let someone like her make you decide to never get close to someone again? That's giving her an awful lot of power over your life and cheating you out of some wonderful friendship.

    Who knows why some people do what they do. You now know what kind of a friend she is/was. Please do not waste any more valuable energy worrying about her.

    Maybe you won't allow yourself to get closer to HER again in the future, but please...all friends are NOT like that.
    Actually TRUE friends are not like that.

    Stand up tall - move on... gravitate towards the positive people. Be positive and they will gravitate towards you!
    Love to you! WE know you are more deserving that what she has to offer.

  7. Rafiki

    Rafiki New Member

    I hear ya, too. So hurtful and frustrating and maddening and annoying... She sounds small spirited and is probably quite fearful if she's behaving this way.

    You are so fortunate to be you and not her. It is so good to not be the one who let foolish nonsense drive us to behave childishly. It is so good to be you! It just doesn't always feel good.

    Big Hug,
  8. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member

    Several people are only friends when they are milking me for all they can get. Then I am the most wonderful person in the world etc etc.

    I am very wary of people now as I have been hurt in the past. The only true friend I have is my husband for sure.

    I love the Wily Nelson song "When your fair weather freinds leave when fair weather ends"

    The people here are nicer to me and more loyal than most friends I have had.

    Love Annie