Family Doesn't Believe My Limitations Are Real

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by steach, Apr 11, 2009.

  1. steach

    steach Member

    Hi Friends-

    I sometimes get soooo frustrated with my family- they don't understand my limitations and say some pretty nasty things.

    Lately, I have been having more bad days than good ones. I try the best that I can to manage work, meals, laundry, cleaning, etc. My teenage children say things that are so hurtful: "Are you going to bed again? All you do is sleep." "If you just got up and moved around you'd feel better." "Oh, I know, you don't feel good again." "You're just lazy. Quit trying to make excuses."

    I have offered for them to go to dr. apts. with me but they refuse. I don't know how to help them understand that Fibro and CFS are real. This is not new to them- I was diagnosed in 2002.

    Any suggestions?

    Thanks,
    Steach
  2. 3gs

    3gs New Member

    Sorry you are having a hard time.
    I have printed out letters from here but I still dont think they get it.

    I found some videos on youtube one by a hummingbirdsgride click on a list of symptoms or theres docs on there also other pts. Iam begining to think maybe watching a video they will get it more.
  3. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    From my viewpoint (old man), modern teenagers are spoiled and self-centered. They have a vested
    interest in not believing that you are disabled.

    1) If you really are disabled, then they would feel uncomfortable with all the demands they make
    on you.

    2) If you were really struck down by this mysterious condition, then it could happen to them. And
    they don't like to think that.

    Of course, these concepts may be lurking in their subconscious.

    There is no requirement that you exhaust yourself cooking and cleaning and acting like Miss stay-at-home
    mom from the 50s. Tell them to do it themselves. It will help them mature, and you can teach
    them what they don't know.

    Stop worrying about what they think, and focus on their behavior. "You have responsibilities in
    this house. We all do. Unfortunately I can't do as much as I used to, so you will have to
    do more."

    Those are my suggestions. Of course, they may not be what you wanted to hear. But trying
    to change other people's ideas is more difficult than changing their behavior.

    Start taking care of you. If the vacuuming doesn't get done, so what? Think about it.

    Good luck
    Rock
  4. gapsych

    gapsych New Member


    Wow, I think you do a lot. Just reading your post made me tired.

    This is a good opportunity to give your kids a lesson in compassion which is what the world needs.

    I know this is much easier said than done. Teenagers can be so frustrating.

    There is a lot of good advice here so don't have much more to offer.

    Take care and good luck.


    [This Message was Edited on 04/11/2009]
  5. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    I wouldn't tolerate my teenagers talking to me like that. It doesn't matter whether they truly understand FM or CFS, you're the parent.

    I would have a sit down talk with them and tell them what is acceptable behavior/comments and what is not. If they just made a comment like "you sleep an awful lot", then hand them some literature along with your own explanation.

    Teenagers should also have responsibilities around the house - it makes them prepared for adulthood. You (we) don't do our kids any favors by letting them just be.

    Although my children are very respectful, I often think we didn't make them do enough chores.

    YOU have to take care of yourself FIRST - then you'll be able to help your children when they need it. The older our kids get, the harder it is in my book - not when they're little. Their problems/issues etc. are tougher. Little ones may require more physical energy, but other than that, they're lives are pretty simple.

    Bottom line - don't let your kids get away with how they talk to you. They need an attitude adjustment and to learn some empathy. That starts at home.
    The last thing you need to do with is that.
  6. Vanderbilt

    Vanderbilt New Member

    with my Mother. It is difficult to get people to believe.

    However your kids should learn to respect you and address you with respect. You deserve and need all the moral support you can get.

    If they had your limitations they would be very depressed/ stressed individuals.

    You are the parent!
  7. ilovepink4

    ilovepink4 Member

    i think you should stop busting your butt taking care of the house, meals, etc....work and then come home and do nothing but rest....

    then, they will believe you....or not but you won't be so miserable...

    my sons are 9 and 12....they make all kinds of foods...i have taught the older one to cook scrambled eggs, spaghetti, mac and cheese...grilled cheese....cake, cookies, waffles....fried egg sandwiches.....etc....

    my younger son is just starting to cook...he can make himself all kinds of cold foods and heat up tv dinners in the microwave, hot dogs, ets....gross, i know but it will put something in his stomach....

    i haven't made any progress on getting them to pick up after themselves....they are sloppy and mess up the house....

    but, they used to be H@ll on wheels when they were littler so at least now I don't worry as much! that they will some horrible accident or burn the house down....it is still a possiblilty!!! but much less! haha!

    and, if my older girls (19 and 22)said stuff to me like that, i would not be hurt, i would be MAD! SOOOOO MAD! There would be a scene. Don't let them get away with that! I know it is exhausting to stay on top of the kids.....lord, don't i know that....but, i would definately lose my temper at some point and they would get the point after that! then i would have to rest!!!

    hey! please don't think i am lecturing you....i hate when i post something and then get a lecture on how I need to do this or that better....i am just saying that my reaction would be nasty.....

    you are probably a very pleasant person to be around....positive, kind, caring....i am negative, hold grudges, and have a temper (i am half italian...i just can't help it!!!)

    so, my suggestion is to just throw a big bloody fit one day when they least expect it! especially if that is not your nature! they will be shocked into listening....

    then, i would quit trying so hard to keep doing everything you did before you got sick....THE BEST GIFT YOU CAN GIVE YOU CHILDREN IS TO TEACH THEM HOW TO TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES AND THEIR FUTURE HOME! you are not being a bad mom by expecting them to do stuff for themselves....

    hey, if you figure out how to get them to clean up after themselves AND to do regular chores, please let me know how you did it!...good luck Steach!

  8. kjfe

    kjfe New Member

    I don't know your kids or your personal situation so I'm just going to say one thing that came to my mind when I read your post.

    The only things some kids know about a mom who has to sleep a lot is what they might have learned about depression in school or on television. It sounds like they are trying to get you out of what they see as a "mood". They obviously don't understand the physiological aspects of your illness. How could they?

    What do most kids want and need? Love, affection, support, a feeling they are needed and important, etc. There isn't a one size fits all answer to your problem, but remind them that you love them and that you wish things could be otherwise. They won't understand your illness. You will most likely feel very lonely, sometimes frustrated, guilty, ashamed, angry, sad, and confused.

    Invite them to watch a movie with you, pray with you (if that's something your family is willing to try - we pray together every night), or watch a favorite TV show together. Do your best to explain what you are going through and ask for their help.

    They need your love as much as you need theirs.

    Believe me, I understand it isn't easy. I have 5 kids and I was just thinking today that it was time for another talk about how I needed more of their help around the house. It's hard for them since they can't SEE that we are sick, but I think it's harder for us because we want what's best for them and I don't ever feel like the best thing for them is having a sick mom...

    Hang in there.
  9. pacotaco

    pacotaco New Member

    HI STEACH```SO SORRY FOR YOU. YOU KNOW, I HAVE A COUSIN WHO DIDN'T BELIEVE ME ON HOW BAD MY PAIN OR FATIGE IS. WHAT I DID WAS INVITED HER OVER TO MY HOME, THEN EDUCATED HER WITH BOOKS/PHAMPLETS. I SAW SHE WASN'T BUYING IT, SO THE ONLY THING I DARED HER TO DO WAS TO DO A STRENUOUS WORKOUT IN A SHORT TIME THEN RIDE STAIONARY BIKE ON THE HARDEST PEDDILING SETTING, [ SHES NOT ONE TO EXCERCISE/I ASUME YOUR KIDS DON'T EITHER]THEN WHEN SHE FINISED AND SHE COMPLAINED HOW IT HURT HER LEGS AND ARM MUCSLES, THEN I SAID, THATS JUST A TAD OF WHAT I FEEL 24/7! SHE NOW BELEIVES ME..TRY IT,,, AND DON'T LET YOUR KIDS OR ANYONE TALK TO YOU THAT WAY! YOU MAY BE DOWN, BUT YOUR NOT LOW DOWN!!!!
  10. butterflydream

    butterflydream New Member

    Hi Steach,

    Debra49659 has posted exactly what you are looking for that will explain to your kids. It's called "what you should know about me'

    If i were you i'd post the article on my fridge for them to read everyday. i bet your kids will think again before making any comments.
    Good Luck
    Wish you well

    Butterflydream