FAMILY WON'T HELP WHEN IN FLARE

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by zion1971, Nov 27, 2006.

  1. zion1971

    zion1971 New Member

    hi

    i need some encouragement. about a month ago i noticed i was entering a "fatigue" flare. those are worse than the pain ones for me. at least with the pain, i can get up and do for my child and myself. when in fatigue i cannot do anything.

    i tried telling my husband to slow down and help me so i wouldn't end up flat on my back. he wouldn't. he just doesn't get it. i have been ill for 8 years but he just doesn't get it.

    needless to say, i have had a severe flare with ear infection for 3 weeks now. i have barely made it. my husband still wouldn't slow down to help. he asked what i would do if we divorced or he became disabled. that is what he feels i should do since he "can't" slow down to help.

    honestly, i don't know how i would make it. please send me some encouragement. i have a flare which has left me unable to walk around for more than 5 or 10 minutes. i am so scared. i feel so lonely.

    WHY WON'T MY FAMILY HELP ME?
  2. zion1971

    zion1971 New Member

    Honestly

    he says he knows i am sick but there is nothing he can do about it. now he gives me his whole check every week and will run any errand i want. but when i flare and need him to come home right after work some days to help, he says he can't. he doesn't understand what he could do. we have a child and sometimes, i just need a break from getting dinner and homework, etc. i just need to be able to totally rest. he says what about the rest i do during the day. he just doesn't get it.

    he won't read on the illness or help me find alternatives. well he will buy me vitamins and say try this. my family (mother, etc.) won't either. they talk about how my attitude is so much better than before. honestly, i stuff everything inside. if i talk about it, they say i have no faith or am causing myself to be sicker.

    i am alone in this thing during my daily life. and i am scared.
  3. clerty

    clerty New Member

    Hi

    I know I have the same problem with my husband He is great but as you well know with this inllness it is hard to plan anything and he does not undersatnd it if he makes plans
    I sometimes have to cancell and take to bed
    Perhaps he should read some of these posts then they might undersatnd a bit better.
  4. zion1971

    zion1971 New Member

    thanks for the replies. my husband won't read this site or any other. he doesn't get it and doesn't even tend to his own health. right now he is working and starting a homebased business. i just want him to slow down to help esp. when i am in a flare. i have lost 10 pounds over the past three weeks. my flares can take me down hard if i don't get on top of them early. i am even having panic attacks again. something i haven't experienced in 2-3 years. i was doing so well. i am so disappointed for letting myself get down like this.

    thanks again for listening.
  5. Tigger57

    Tigger57 New Member

    I have to agree whole-heartedly that the fatigue flare is worse most of the time than the pain flare.

    I'm sorry your husband doesn't understand. He asks what you would do if he became disabled.... doesn't he understand that this is a debilitating illness and does classify you as being disabled. I see a little irony there.
    Hugs,
    Tigger
  6. jnwieder

    jnwieder New Member

    Sorry to hear you're not getting the support you need from your family. I know how you feel! The fatigue is much worse than the pain when it comes to taking care of a family. My husband doesn't understand how to be sympathetic and supportive. I just had a flare-up last month and I know he does better when I give him a "warning," so I told him that I wasn't feeling well and needed a little extra sympathy - which to me means coming home early, helping out more, etc. Instead he either tried to analyze the situation and/or blame me - why now? is this caused by the cleanse she just finished? When that didn't work, he tried avoiding me. We're in couples therapy now where he has admitted that it's hard for him to be sympathetic and how difficult it is for him to live in a gray area (his analytic brain much prefers black and white). I told him that my whole life is a gray area!!! We continue to work on it with our therapist - at least he has agreed to do that kind of work with me. We have another appt. tomorrow and I'm going to be more specific about what being sympathetic looks like for a fibro sufferer!
    I know that doesn't help your situation other than to know others are in the same boat. If your husband won't go to therapy with you, perhaps you could go on your own (I know, one more thing to fit in your schedule when you're not feeling well!) and try to get some coping stratagies for yourself.

    Good luck!
  7. lenasvn

    lenasvn New Member

    I just read that CFS (is this what you have? your profile is empty) patients can be compared to late-stage AIDS patients, or patients receiving chemotherapy. This is how ill we really are. This is no joking matter. Sorry, but I smell some ignorance. It's not about "what would you do if______?", it's about here and now. Here and now you are NOT divorced, he is NOT sick, YOU are. Those words just threw the ball back in your hands.

    Keep an eye on that ear infection. Stress and inability to recover can cause complications.

  8. tnez

    tnez New Member

    Zoin it's one thing i know for sure and that your suffering will not last always, i am praying for your situation, and that the hardness from your family's heart be melted away. Dealing with this disease is difficult enough and then not to have a good support system it seem to make it even worse. Remember you are in my prayers.
    Try to find a local support group or reach out to family and church members, perhaps if your hubby see the love and concern of other just mabe he will slow down and see the error of his ways and become motivated in learning the ups and downs of your situation.

    Keep your head up and just do what you can do and try not to stress too much over the rest, no one quite understands us but the Lord God knows all

    He will provide

    Selah
  9. zion1971

    zion1971 New Member

    oh tnez

    thank you. your words hit a special place in my spirit. God's blessings to you!