fed up and depressed

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Jittle, Sep 16, 2011.

  1. Jittle

    Jittle Member

    Sorry to complain, I hope just writting this helps... Just need to vent.

    It seems like my whole day and life is spent dealing with FM: Where is the pain going to be today?, am I going to feel depressed?, what stress am I going to have to deal with that is going to make me worse?, etc..... There does not seem to be any good days lately. I dont know if it is because I am unemployed and have too much time on my hands to think, stress, and worry.

    - I am just getting over a horrible sinus/upper respiratory infection that lasted for weeks. They put me on levaquin which gave me terrible muscle pains in my legs and I generally felt like I had FM times 10.

    - I have an on going tooth issue for almost a year now, and just lost my front tooth and still have pain. the dentist knows about my FM/CFS but doesnt seem to care. They have left me in more pain then when the tooth issue first started, and now I have to be toothless until may.

    - Money is running out and I dont know how to pay the bills, and still see doc's and get meds.

    I saw a therapist when I had insurance but had to stop because it was too expensive. I dont even know if that would help now. I know what my problems are, just dont know how to fix them anymore.

    I can talk to my husband, but as we all know, unless you have FM/CFS most people do not understand what we go through daily. And thats the part that upsets me. It feels like all I do is for FM. Looking for treatments, supplements, reading everything that I can find about it. All this and I have more pain than I did three years ago when I was diagnosed. I know some people on the boards have been ill for decades and I applaud you. I dont know what I can do If I keep feeling worse. I have mew symtoms, and old ones are worse.

    I think what is really bothering to me is paying doc bill after bill and getting no where. Rhneumy had me trying all these crazy pills for fatgiue that were horrible, and I finally found something on my own that is natural and works. Chiro aid he could fix my neck, but I went from bulging disks to herniated disks under his care. I love my NP for pain mangement, but all we do now is trigger point injections. I look at the website for a few aread hospitals, and their pain mangement programs look for involved and detailed that I do not feel like I am geting enough care.I know its not thier fault, but it seems like I am getting no where with the doctors , and I dont know If it is time I look for new doctors or not.

    Basically I am at the point of confusion and guess fed up with FM. Can I give it back......

    Sorry for being a downer, at least I was able to get it off my chest to people who live through the same.


  2. Chelz

    Chelz New Member

    I could have written your post, everything you said describes me to a TEE, except I am not married, so no husband there. I am currently in your shoes with the respiratory infection, I don't have dental insurance, but need dental work very badly, but am afraid because of my FM, I know it will flare me up big time and I don't expect a dentist to understand since MD's don't get it, a dentist would be worse, so BELIEVE me, I think exactly the way you do.

    I am currently working, but won't be for long. My job is going away within 6 months to a year from now, so I may be looking at unemployment as well.

    I had just posted a few months back that having FM is a full time job on top of my already full time job, geeeze I couldn't even think about dating, my brain is too full of worries, pain, fatigue, what will my day be like today, anxiety, I wouldn't be a fun date unless I become an actress and faked it all along..........but wait........that would be too stressful and I would have to think about how it would affect me emotionally and phsically for the next few weeks.

    I do so understand Jittle, I have been to numerous doctors, I was put on Levaquin too, but had to stop because I couldn't breathe while taking it. I have been to 3 chiropractors, physical therapy 2 times for months, massage therapists and accupuncture, how could we not think having this condition is a full time job, it is. I look up supplements on the computer all the time, I take close to 12 supplements a day (very costly at times).

    You are not a downer, just a person with a chronic condition that never seems to leave your brain, that is how I describe it all the time, it is with you all the time and distracts you and your thinking, I know.

    Every time I think of going to a new doctor, I get exhaustion just thinking about it, that I wind up not going, or never making a second appointment.

    I have bulging disks as well, as a matter of fact, today at work it was so bad that I had to leave my desk and go sit in the snack bar because by myself because I felt like I was going to explode.

    I'm glad you wrote to us, it is a mini form of therapy for you, almost like a burden being taken from your shoulders, even if it is just for a little while, it helps, and as you can tell, we think this way too, like I said your post is my post. I was diagnosed back in 2002, but has symptoms since the 1990's, so I have been dealing with chronic pain and fatigue and other FM issues for over two decades and it wears on your brain and emotions, honestly I don't know any other way to live, and I feel that is sad for me as well.

    I know it sounds crazy to say cheer up, I know it does, so maybe I would rather say take things day by day, hour by hour. I was watching the TV show "All in the Family" on reruns of course, and that show always makes me laugh so hard it hurts, LOL, so something like that can make us re-focus our pain even if it's just for a half an hour or more. Tak care of yourself Jittle. Hugs always, Chelz.
  3. earthdog2000

    earthdog2000 Member

    Dear Jittle!

    Hi! I hope I can help if even just a little bit. I know exactly how you are feeling as I was there just as bad for 12 years and worked until April of this year. I am now on disability retirement and actually finally feeling better than I have in 12 years! Oh, don't get me wwong it took me 4 months to feel better. How long have you been off of work? I certainly sympathize with the pain and depression as I dealt with it on a daily basis and still do to a degree. Stress seems to be the biggest factor for me and as they say stress always makes us feel worse mentally and physically.

    These are the things I have done to feel better. Maybe a few of these ideas will help you. I hope so! As far as drs. go I have to say that I am blessed but it took me awhile to get there. I was dx'd with CFS 12 years ago and fibro 10 years ago. In my case I did okay for the first 4 years considering until my hubby was out of work due to getting hurt on the job. He had 3 surgeries in 3 years, went back to school to be retrained and has yet to find a job in that field. He has only worked in the summer's until this past Feb. and now is working 25 hrs. per week. The financial strain is now worse than ever given that my diability is about $800 a month less than I was making when I was working and I now pay $376 a month for my insurance. Boy can I relate to your stress over money! Here are some things I did to help with the financial part....

    Okay, getting to the point now. I applied for the "Making Home Affordable Loan Modification" for our mortgage and will be finding out next week what our payments will be. The bank rep said probably about $300 less a month. I don't know if you own your home or not but if you do please check it out. I also just recently filled out paperwork for Consumer Credit Counseling(they work with crediters to get your payments down on credit cards and loans). Our appt. is next week. I did this about 18 years ago and they REALLY helped to get payments down to a reasonable amount AND got our balances down! Food for thought on the financial end.

    As far as the pain and depression this is what I have done recently. I started on Fish Oil supplements about 1 month ago and my fibro fog and fatigue has improved a lot. I started to talk to a few friends who also deal with chronic pain and it is like counseling for me! You're right, the only people who truly understand are those who deal with some of the same issues. I changed my anti-depressant to Abilify and my depression and panic attacks have improved a lot. I started trying to do a little each day as far as exercise as hard as it was.

    I do stretches each day for about 20 minutes and swim 3 times a week just doing strectching and gentle exercises. I had to work up to this of course but it has helped my pain level quite a bit. The depression is a hard one, I know but trying to do some things for yourself may help. The best thing for my depression so far has been journaling when I am sad, stressed, depressed or angry. Just let your feelings flow on the paper and do not censor your writing. OMG does it help me! Sometimes I cry a lot as I write because it truly purges a lot of what I am dealing with. I set aside about 2 hours after my hubby goes to sleep every night and don't go to bed until I am really tired.

    During that time I may read something light or just romance type mysteries. They make me feel like I am in another life that is much more enjoyable and help me to "escape". I write little things to my friends and family on Facebook and enjoy getting their replies, it seems to lift my spirits up a bit. I send e-cards to friends and family and it makes me feel really good. Sometimes I pray and read a little bit of my "inspirational" books. I will tape my fav shows and watch them by myself, No hubby to make fun of my silly shows,lol!

    There are so many things you can do for yourself that will lift your spirits even if you can only do a little bit at a time. Oh, most importantly I take a lot of bubble baths and light my favorite smelling candles and just meditate a little bit thinking of all of my best memories or fun places I have been in the past. As far as getting the best drs. and meds go I would definetly try an internist because they have a lot more knowledge about CFS and fibro. I do take Vicodin when I am in a flare and my dr. fills it as needed. This really helps take the edge off of my pain. I feel that as long as you are not dependent and taking them daily then do what you need to do when you are in a lot of pain. It sounds like you may be still getting over your upper respitory infection so that does'nt help the pain. As far as the tooth pain goes that is just the worst in my opinion as it can cause headaches, jaw pain, ear aches, etc. Can you possibly get a recommendation from a friend or family member on a kind and compassionate dentist? I know this is a short novel but I just felt so bad for you and hoped that I could help as I have been where you are for far too many years.

    Maybe you can possible have surgery on the herniated discs. I had 2 cervical discectomies in 2004 and 2006 and the neck and upper back pain is much, much better!! Please feel free to vent to me anytime! It really helps me when I do!
    That is one thing that we are all here for. To help each other. I hope you feel better soon and that this is just a really bad flare that will get better as your infection goes away and if you can get the toothache dealt with. Take care of you and keep your chin up!

    Peace and Comfort, Julie

    P.S. I also take COQ-10 and MSM along with other vitamens and they seem to really help with the pain and fatigue!
  4. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    For all you've been through. I pray for us all every day because our illnesses hurt us physically, emotionally, financially and they are hard on our relationships. I'm so glad we have this site where others know what we go through. No matter how kind and understanding "normals" are, they cannot possibly know what we are up against.

    I took the liberty of adding some paragraph breaks to make your post easier to read. Still, I had some problems getting the spacing even. I think there was a problem somewhere with the program. In any case, many of us can't read posts unless there is a blank line between paragraphs. I hate it when I feel I'm missing something when I have trouble reading.

    That's another thing people don't know about how our illnesses affect us. We often have problems with vision which can come and go. I hate that; I'm a reader.

    Love, Mikie
  5. Jittle

    Jittle Member


    Thanks for the response. I have been out of work since Nov. It was so nice of my company to lay me off (elimination of position) the week before Thanksgiving. It was like a blessing though: Right after is when the major fatigue set in and lasted until this month when I found ribose.
    We are actually looking into the credit counseling now. Hubby going to call a company in the next few weeks. It got to the point to where I had to choose to pay my credit bills or buy my meds.
    I am looking into MSM. but have to find a pain/arthris med that is nto fish based (now have allergies.)

    I was glad to hear that you have friends that let you talk and vent when needed. My FM/CFS seems to be the last thing anyone wants to hear about. As long as I look ok they think everything is ok. They should have seen me this morning with a killer headache that woke me up at 5, and I still cant turn on a light.

    It is also nice to hear that you have many "systems" and "tools" in place to help you get through the day. I have to build a routine and get back to things I once enjoyed.

    Thank you for your time and kind words, it really helped. Jittle
  6. Jittle

    Jittle Member

    Are you sure we are not fibro twins?
    I totally agree about the exhaustion of finding a new doctor. My husband said it would be like starting all over from the beginning again. My neck was so bad this morning it caused a headache that woke me up at 5am. I thought my head was going to explode.

    I am sorry, but glad to hear I am not the only one who spends most of their life trying to deal with FM. I just wish there was an easy way to put if out of my mind for a day or two. My blood pressure has been on the rise lately, and I am assuming from the stress of FM.

    Thank your for listening, and responding. Keep in touch. Jittle

  7. Jittle

    Jittle Member

    I thought it was just me, but to know others dread having to run errands helps a little. And if I have to clean the house I make myself sick.

    Thanks for the idea for the free clinic. Living close to a big city maybe they have. I am going to look into it later today. I just fear starting over with a new doc: I have to collect all my old records to avoid repeating every test I had.

    Thanks for the advice,
  8. chelsaroo

    chelsaroo New Member

    I was just diagnosed and I feel so depressed. I don't feel like anyone understands what these last few years have been like for me. My husband says he wants me to talk to him, but when I try he doesn't want to listen. I try not to complain about the pain. I've got four of my five children at home. The last three are five and under. I teach kindergarten full-time, I'm team leader, on various school commitees and was in graduate school. This summer I dropped all my graduate classes and told my husband I was done. I couldn't take the stress of it anymore. He was so disappointed in me. I am so tired all the time and my back, hands and legs hurt so bad at the end of the day I don't even want to give my kids a bath. I'm so tired of hiding the way I feel physically and the exhaustion. You can only complain so much before you get tired of hearing your own voice. I really wish I knew someone who was going through what I am. I feel so very alone right now. My friends think I've just been flakey these last few years because I back out on doing things at the last minute. They don't understand what FM is and I think they are just tired of hearing me complain also.

    I feel guilty for being sick. My kids are so young. I feel guilty for not going to my daughter's band performances every Friday night these past few years. I feel guilty for not volunteering like all the other moms. I feel guilty for being too tired to be intimate with my husband. I feel guilty for having to spend our limited resources on medication for me. I feel guilty for complaining on here. I just want to feel better, emotionally, physically, mentally.

    My husband says it's a mindset. Be postive and you will get positive. Well, I'm the most positive person I know damn it and I just want him to shut up! I have sucked it up for so long and told myself it's all in my head for so long that it's really wearing me down to know I've been lying to myself for the past several years. I've been surviving ... just barely hangin on and it's been so hard. Now, I just want to live with who i really am, with what I really have. I've been so strong and now I just feel broken. I'm OK with that for now. I need everyone else to be also.
  9. clementyne

    clementyne New Member

    I am so sorry for all you are going through. FM is so ugly & hard to deal with & it seems like we are all just running around in circles trying to figure out something that works ... something that helps.

    It hurts to see other people enjoying life, knowing most of it is not an option for us. My DH & I were watching some people hydro planning the other day and I was saying how much I would love to try that & it hit me ... I can't EVER try that! The landing would kill me! I said something like that to DH & he said "Oh, no! That would teach you how to land!". I just look @ him & know ... he doesn't get it! He sees me everyday & he JUST DOESN'T GET IT! He doesn't understand the pain just standing up (or sitting down or rolling over or...or...or) causes me. SO we come here & we pour our hearts out to the only people who can really understand.

    I hope it helps to know that you are not alone. We understand & we are here when you need to vent. I am thinking of you and praying that you will have some relief soon.

  10. Jittle

    Jittle Member

    I have been dealing with the same. Hubby says talk to him so I dont let it all bottle up, but then he doesnt get it or understand anyway so what is the point. My mom sounds like your husband... be positive. I have tried that. I have tried therapy and exercise, and this vitamin and that supplement, and rest and nothing helps. I take extra pain meds when I have to see mom and sis because they dont want to see me sick, then I run out by the end of the month. Mom says get back to work and I will feel better. I dont know how when I cant stand up for any length of time, noise and light drive me crazy and I have constant headaches lately. I understand the guilt. So much money for doctors and meds I feel like I am bleeding us dry.

    Take care of yourself, and only do what you can. Let others help you if needed.
    Hope today is a better day. I am here is needed. Jittle
  11. chelsaroo

    chelsaroo New Member

    Yesterday was a very hard day for me, but today is a brand new day. The pain was worse this morning, so I just took an extra pain pill. They have me on Lyrica. I'm going to post a Lyrica question on the message board.

    Thank you Jittle for replying. Getting back to work is a big desicion. I've been thinking about taking a medical leave of absence. But I love my job so much and I fear the seclusion would create extreme depression. I'm looking for a local support group, but there aren't any that I can find in Waco, TX.

    Jittle, complain anytime. This provides a great way to vent.

    I hope to talk again soon. - chelsaroo