Feeling a little overwhelmed

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by kjade, Feb 28, 2010.

  1. kjade

    kjade New Member

    Hi guys~
    I haven't been posting for awhile, but I have been reading and keeping up on everyone. I have been really busy also, and just haven't had a lot of time to get on the computer. I am just so overwhelmed right now, and just need some advice.

    My husband has taken a job that requires him to work 7 10 hour days - this will last for a month. So this has left me taking care of the kids and the house pretty much by myself. I really didn't think it would be this hard. And it shouldn't be. That is why I feel like such a failure right now.

    I get up at 5 am to get ready for work (DH gets the kids up and helps them get dressed, but then he leaves at 5:30). It is always so chaotic every morning. SO crazy! Either they are fighting or they are not listening to me....then the guilt sets in because I feel so bad about having to get them up so early and out the door so I can go to work. I have to pick them up after work, make them dinner, get them to their practices, then help them with homework. By the time they go to bed I am so exhausted I can't even see straight. I guess this is how any mother feels every day. I shouldn't feel like this....I really don't know how single mothers do it. I can't even imagine.

    This job DH took is a great thing because he is going to be making a LOT of money. And we need it desperately. He got laid off last November, and has been working little side jobs here and there to make ends meet. But this has been a terrible winter, and things just got really bad. But with him being gone so much, I realize how much I actually rely on him. I am still recovering from pneumonia....slowly. My FM has been flaring up really bad too. I feel so weak at times, I don't even know if I can keep going. I am in so much pain all the time, and I just try to ignore it. What else am I going to do?

    My kids are really, really great kids...they are so polite and respectful to all other adults in their lives. But not me. Other people just LOVE them. They don't listen to me; they completely ignore me when I say anything...they mouth off back to me when I ask them to do anything. But they listen to their father, that's for sure. I don't understand why they have NO respect for me whatsoever. I find myself yelling all the time, and they still don't hear me. Then I am noticing that THEY are yelling all the time, and I know it's because I am doing such a poor job of mothering. They should not be acting the way they do, and I feel it's my fault. I don't know how to change things. I try and lecture to them about treating eachother kindly, and listening to me when I tell them to do something, but to no avail. It is so upsetting. I watch "Super Nanny" all the time, and I try to do a lot of the things she teaches on that show. But I still feel I get NO respect.

    Work has been extremely stressful as well. Because I missed so much time when I was sick, I am behind on a lot of things, and under a LOT of pressure to get things done. So I have been going in early and working overtime when I can to get caught up. And Lord knows we need the extra money. (I won't even go into the financial situation right now).

    I have a couple of people at work who I believe are "out to get me", if you know what I mean. They are so hateful....they constantly do little things to either upset me or get me in trouble or make me look bad. I am always worrying about what they are up to, and the stress from that makes me extremely anxious all day - I end up feeling just physically drained. It is a very toxic environment because of these few people. My good friend at work always tells me they are just jealous of me. Even if that is the case, it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. The one that is really out for me is such a phony and a liar. I know she hates me (and I don't have any idea WHY). I have had people tell me that she talks bad about me loudly whenever I leave my desk. Which is not cool, because it makes me look bad to everyone else. (well, maybe it doesn't because they know how she is and they know me, but still....) I can't go to my superiors about it because she is the "teacher's pet", if you know what I mean. So I just have to take it.

    I know this won't be forever, and that is the only thing keeping me going. But throughout this ordeal, I am realizing that I am really not capable of handling everything on my own. The other day I complained to dh how drained I am, and how I just can't do eveything myself, and he made a nasty remark about it that made me feel even more lousy. He will never get it...he will never understand how much pain I am in all the time. He always just makes comments that I am so angry and mean and no one wants to be around me. But I have tried to explain over & over that when I am not feeling well, it is really hard to be smiling and laughing all the time (which is how he is).

    I guess I just need some support, advice or feedback on how I can make the situation a little better. My mom and my FIL did help out this weekend with the kids which was nice (I had to work on Saturday....and I had to drive there in a BLIZZARD!!! :<) but because I accepted their help, I felt like I was just not doing good enough. If other moms can do it, why am I having such a hard time? I know 4 kids (one being a baby) is a lot of work, but there are moms out there with more kids than that who seem to handle everything easily. I dunno....I am just feeling really down now. :(

    Wow....sorry about the long post. But you all know me - I do tend to just babble on and on.....

    PS...I was going to start a "mom's thread" where we can talk and share information about our kids. I need great advice from time to time. Would anyone want to join in on a thread like that? I know there are a lot of moms here who have a lot to share. Just a thought...

    [This Message was Edited on 02/28/2010]
  2. Granniluvsu

    Granniluvsu Well-Known Member

    Try not to feel so badly. You are doing what you HAVE to and your kids still love you but they are KIDS and will many times take advantage because their dad is not there too. Yep, I am also guessing that none of them want to get up that early but you are there and so they take it out on you.

    Yes, you are very tired and you hurt so you feel even worse about everything. I know what you mean hon, believe me. My DH says and thinks he understands what I am going through but he hasn't a clue. Sometimes I also bite his head off forliuttle reason and sometimes it is the other way around.

    Your work situation is something else. Almost everywhere you will work there will be jerks and those looking for someone to belittle. Perhaps they are even jealous of you for some resaon. Please just TRY and ignore them hon and do your work, behind or not it will get done. I know what you mean with 4 children and one baby will wear you out. I know, I had 5 myself, as you know. The girls all 2 years apart and the boy about 5 years. There were times I wanted to strangle them and my husband too :) !!

    Soon , it sounds like he will go back to normal hours so things will get better. Try and look forwards to that. You won'b be dealing with 10 hour days forever and your baby will be growing up too (as well as the others).I know that brings other problems too.

    I am sure too that your hubby is all worn out to getting up and getting the kids ready for school or even getting them dressed. That is a good thing for you that he does that foryou. Maybe you also need to tell him how much you appreciate all the hard work he has done for the the children and the family. He is probably worn out also and doing what he has to to earn a good buck for you all.

    It is wonderful that he is making more money for you all. I know that comes at a good price to sometimes but the hard time should not be for to long. Can you get a chance to take a nice hot bath any time during the evening? If not, just wait till he gets back on his regular schedule then hopefully you can sneak in to have a hot bath for yourself and so something nice for a change. Believe me, I remember trying to take a hot bath or going to the bathroom with kids banging on the door :) !!

    Try and remember, this to shall pass and the kids won't be young forever. You are a wonderful and strong lady who is all worn out but still sweet, smart and a vety good mom.

    Well, Kjade, here is a big hug for you ((((((KJADE))))))!!

    Gotta run now. Will come back to check in on you later. Would you like me to come and tuck you in :) !!!!

    I used to do that to Mickey and tell Pippi I would read her a story !

    Lots of love,
    [This Message was Edited on 03/01/2010]
  3. lgp

    lgp Well-Known Member

    Glad to see you posted. Was truly wondering how you were doing. I am relieved to hear that the pneumonia is going away--however slowly. You know you heard it from a few of us that it is a slow healing process. You have a double whammy there--fatigue from fibro, and fatigue from Pneumonia.

    You have alot of factors adding to your stress level, and a lesser person would have caved--which you clearly have not, so kudos to you!! You may not realize it, but alot of us here admire you for all that you are able to accomplish in one day!!

    Kids can be really fresh sometimes; I used to try and comfort myself by saying, I must have done something right since they are so polite to everybody--except me!! And my youngest one is really fresh sometimes!! I think part of the problem with kids today is too much technology; they do not know how to adequately communicate with people, and they talk really fresh to each other on line and in texts, so they think it's okay to be that rude in person. They do not realize how rude they are, so it is our job to take them to task on it. And agreed, that is exhausting. The other thing I might mention; give some thought to cutting back on the kids activities if you can. There was a point where I had to make my kids make choices; they couldn't do every sport or activity and the family deserved a bit of down time. Think about it.

    And forget about your co-workers. They are who they are--just do your job, get paid, and get the hell out of there at the end of the day. Kjade, I can tell you with ever fiber of my being, that getting older is very empowering. When I was your age, I would really, really care if my co-workers liked me or not. And then you turn forty, and all of a sudden, wham! you don't give a damn anymore!! It's so true; I have discussed this with my girlfriends, and it is very empowering.

    The other thing I am going to say to you is going to sound harsh--but I have to say it (keep in mind I'm from NY!). You said your husband will never understand how much pain you are in all the time and I am going to say to you-- get over it. I walk that walk every day, and when I came to terms with the fact that my husband will never really get it either, it actually was another burden lifted off my shoulders. I changed my disposition and realized I couldn't get mad because I realized that my husband, and other people cannot possibly know the extent of the pain because they haven't lived it, just like I could not have a clue what it would be like to be blind or deaf. I push through the pain, don't complain for the most part and just let him know when I have to rest or go to sleep. Since I complain about it less, he is much more receptive when I do actually complain.

    Also, keep in mind that this has been a killer winter and is doing a number on everybody!

    As far as advice on kids, I have lots of it!! Ask away!! People always used to tell me, 'You have such good kids', and my stock answer was, 'The day's not over yet!' I have lots of advice and would be glad to share it with you.

    Next, try and find your sense of humor. Laugh more. And then some more! It really, really helps. I promise!

    I saw this woman on Oprah years ago; I forget her name. She had alot of problems, running the gamut from health to financial, and was very despondent. She decided to make a list every day of ten things she was grateful for every day--things as simple as a rainbow or a really delicious cup of coffee or even a phone call from a friend. She did this every day and soon came to see that she DID have much to be grateful for and it lifted her out of her funk. Try it--it could help!

    Anyway, my post is getting long too. I hope I helped a bit and gave you some food for thought. I am always here!!


    [This Message was Edited on 02/28/2010]
  4. kjade

    kjade New Member

    Thank you both so much for replying to me - you both are the best! You both always have such wonderful advice, and I appreciate you taking the time to read my novel (lol) and offer your support and insight.

    I started to write on a day when I had just had enough. I wasn't feeling well at all, and I had a really rough weekend. Earlier that day I had to take my son to his basketball game, and we got stuck in the driveway. It was full of snow and ice and DH wasn't there to help us get out. I was so mad, and I was getting angry with him when that happened for not being there. We have a driveway that goes uphill, and on the side is a big long ditch that goes into our woods. I nearly drove off into the ditch a couple times because I just kept sliding. Then finally my son and I got out and had to shovel a path, and we got out. He got to the game just as it was starting, and I had no place to sit. I felt so tired and so defeated at that moment.

    But now, in looking back, I realize that I can do things myself and I don't NEED dh to be here. This is something I actually already knew about myself - I have taken care of myself for most of my life - but over the years I have just come to rely on him for things....when in all reality I am handling everything just fine with him being gone. It is a very empowering feeling.

    Anyway, (((hugs))) back to you Granni! Thanks for such sweet comments. Reading your post gave me such a happy feeling....you have that effect on me!! I know you know what it feels like to be going through all of this, so bless you for taking the time to write and put a smile on my face! Funny you should mention the hot bath. I never take baths anymore....never. Since I wasn't feeling well that night, I decided after cooking dinner that I was going to take a bath and use some Epson salt since my muscles were aching so badly. The bath wasn't that enjoyable because the water got cold half way through, so the hot bath I was looking forward to turned out to be lukewarm. But I still layed there for awhile with my eyes closed and just tried to breathe and relax. I nearly fell asleep. But it was nice. And only one of the kids knocked on the door....ONCE! I should do things like that for myself more often.

    Yes I know dh is exhausted. He has not had one day off. He comes home and eats dinner, showers, then sits in front of the tv and falls asleep. I know how tired he is. But I also know this is a really good thing for him. I know this makes him feel good to finally be back at work (even though he worked all winter, just not at a job that pays this well) and providing for the family like he is now. What he is doing certainly can't be easy.

    Oh and yes....I'd love for you to come tuck me in sometime!! :)

    Laura, I so appreciate you writing - and please, write a novel to me anytime! We all know what a fantastic writer you are! And you always give me the best advice.
    I worry about how my kids will act as they get a little older. I am totally dreading the teen years, but my 10 yr old already has a snotty attitude with me sometimes (other times he can be the sweetest boy in the world!). I don't know where he learns some of this, but it concerns me, because I already feel like I have no control. What will I do when they are older (and bigger)?? The thought really scares me.

    Thankfully once basketball ends next week, we will have nothing going on until baseball season. It will be a nice break for awhile. My daughter still has ballet but that is only 45 min on Saturdays, and I really enjoy going to those classes. I know we need the break that is coming. I am so sick of running around everywhere every spare minute. It can get SO exhasting!!

    Funny you should mention how your attitude changed as you got older. I have noticed that I have been becoming much more "vocal" lately, and I am to the point that I just don't care if I upset someone. I have been crapped on enough in my life, and I am pretty angry about it. I walk around with so much anger all the time, and I noticed now that I have started to speak up, and let people know they are not going to mess with me, that I feel a lot better. I am certainly not being mean or nasty, but I can be if I have to be.

    I have been working for this promotion at work for many years. I feel that job should be mine, but I know I need to be much tougher if I am ever going to even be considered for the position. They know I would be perfect for that job. However, "you know who" wants that job too, I think. That is what I am afraid of. That she may be chosen because she is the "pet", even though I am far more qualified...I have been there 10 yrs longer than her. So I know I need to change and stop being they shy, quiet little wallflower who never voices her opinion. Or the little girl who allows everyone to walk all over her, or allows others to make her feel like garbage just because she speaks up.

    I know what you mean about dh not getting it. I am finally learning that no one is ever going to "get it". Since I was dx'ed 3 yrs ago, I have learned a lot. And it has been a really difficult thing to accept for me. I still don't know that I believe it myself 100% of the time. So how can I possibly expect anyone else to understand? My Sil was recently dx'ed with diabetes. I have seen her having to give herself shots. While I can worry about her, and sympathize and offer support if she needs it, I will never know what it's like to go through what she is going through, so I get what you are saying. I guess sometimes I would just like dh to show some kind of empathy or something. I know how concerned he was when I was sick with pneumonia, but this...he doesn't seem to care at all about it. Or maybe I would just like him to give me more credit once in awhile...I don't know. I guess I am still learning how to live with this myself.

    I like your remark about the kids "day's not over yet"! That made me chuckle. I hear the same thing all the time too about my kids (what great kids they are, and how well-behaved), and you know what? That is what really makes me proud. THEY make me proud. And knowing they are the way that they are in the world makes me feel a little better about how they are at home. They feel safe at home; safe to feel any way they want to feel. I never had that safe place growing up, so I am glad that I can provide that place for my children; a place where they can be themselves, and not live in fear, like I did. Someone once told me that your kids will treat you the worst because they trust you the most. I do see some truth in that. And that thought makes it a little easier....knowing that they do trust and love me. Even when it seems like they don't even notice me, or when they are being disrepectful. Ya know?

    Anyway, I gotta go do homework now but wanted to write and thank you both - thank you for always being there for me when I need someone to talk to. You both understand how I am feeling, and you know me so well! Wish I could give you a real life hug right now to say thanks, but a virtual one will have to do for now. (((hug!)))

    I hope you guys have a wonderful, pain-free week! You deserve it!

    Oh and I am going to try to find every rainbow in each day, and I a going to try and just enjoy the little things...because that is so important!
    That was really good advice. :)

    [This Message was Edited on 03/02/2010]
  5. Granniluvsu

    Granniluvsu Well-Known Member

    Just remember that you are alot stronger that you think or thought you were and can do most things all by yourself. Enjoy those little ones while they are young . I know how fast they all grew up. I can't believe my eldest daughter is 46 and they will celebrate their 25th wedding anniversay this year. It seems like only yesterday she was off to Kindergarten for the first time - sigh !! My eldest grandchild is 19 years old. Oh dear !! Where did the years go.

    So, go for it kiddo you can do whatever you put your mind to and get those kids to help some too. Your 10 year old can pick up his room, etc, even if you have to tell him 100 times to do so and he will moan and groan :). Try not to let yourself feel too down, even if you are in pain and are REALLY tired. I know that I too wanted to run away from hoje sometime to get away from it all when things were ultra hectic.

    I remember all the ball games too and had to sit through, baseball, football, baskstball. softball, etc. Yes, and the dance classes were FUN !!

    Yes, please do look for a rainbow everyday, something happy to smile about. There are others that are alot worse off as you said before. I try to remember that every day too as sometimes I feel worse than others and things are hectic, and going wrong, etc,

    So, hug and enjoy your whole family while they are there.

    More later on.

    Love n Hugs,
  6. springwater

    springwater Active Member

    For me, you are wonderwoman with all that you do. I swear I couldnt do a fraction of all the running around you do.

    I understand sometimes things get too hectic. Actually your everyday schedule sounds so hectic as to make anyone with a lesser grit ill. Im wondering whether your recent bout with pneumonia was a way of your body sending out signals that youre working too hard. What with all those kids games and practises to attend.

    I guess the toughest times in terms of hard work are when your kids are the ages they are. Once they are a little grown up you will be able to relax more.

    I loved the wise wise words Linda and Granni spoke.

    I hope one day you and your DH will be able to take a nice vacation. You do work so hard both of you for your kids and the house. You both seem to be really responsible caring parents.

    Hang in there. Things will get better soon.

    God Bless
  7. pumkinhead

    pumkinhead New Member

    OMG that is a heavy load to bare. I was a single mom and i understand. I was well then now i have fibro and i am 55. About the guilt. I too suffered with being torn between work and
    spending time with my children. I think it goes along with the job. You should be proud of yourself for all you do and ask for help. There are alot of volunteers that may be able to pitch in.

    If you can fit in at least 20 min for yourself to take a bath lock the door. Yoga does wonders for body stress.

    Many blessings
  8. kjade

    kjade New Member

    Thanks so much for the comments!! Y'all are so sweet. I do appreciate the feedback, support and advice. When I read your posts, it makes me feel good, because no one in my "real life" ever says those kinds of things to me, so it is really nice to hear.

    Unfortunately, that job DH has is ending. And he doesn't know if his other job is going to start yet. We are really in trouble right now. For the first time in my life, we are behind on our mortgage payments, and I was hoping that this job could get us caught back up. But it didn't. :( So I don't know what I am going to do. Being married to someone in his line of work is VERY difficult, especially now with this economy. No one is really building right now, so that is really hurting those in construction.

    And it leaves me to worry about everything and how I am going to make ends meet. DH always just says "oh well" and it drives me crazy. I know he cares and he worries, but he is the kind of person who just figures why worry? He keeps saying "everyone is having hard times right now...just don't pay the bills; that is what everyone else is doing". That attitude makes me CRAZY because I am taking on all of his worry on top of mine! And I am not "everyone else". I am NEVER late on things, and I a sick of the harrassment I am getting from the people that we owe!! It is making me feel like such a failure and a LOSER!!

    I am so exhausted today. Yesterday I took the boys to religion class, my daughter to ballet, then took them to my mom's so I could go to a Dr appt, then ran home to meet the refrigerator repair man, then ran to my son's basketball game, then ran home to try and clean my mess of of a house and do 10 loads of laundry, then ran back to the gym for my other son's basketball game, then came home and cleaned some more, then passed out while trying to watch a movie. :( That was my Saturday.

    I woke up early today to feed the baby and get the kids dressed and get breakfast. I had a few minutes while the baby took a nap, so I came on here. Today is the basketball banquet, and I have to take them myself. The good thing is, now that basketball is over, I will finally have my Sundays back!! We haven't had one Sunday with nothing going on since July!! We went from football to wrestling to basketball.......every single Sunday. So hopefully, I will finally get a chance to just relax and do nothing. Or get working on some of the projects around the house that I want done.

    My daughter finished her ballet class yesterday, but it starts again in 3 weeks. So I will have a few Saturdays off for awhile. This house is just disgusting to me. I have had no time to do anything around here it seems. So I will get the chance now. I have my son's b-day coming up and his 1st communion to plan! Will be a busy spring....that's for sure!

    The baby is growing like crazy!! She is 7 months old now!! She is sitting up by herself, and she can roll over. She has 2 teeth, and she loves to eat baby food. She is definitely a talker!! She will just sit there and make these screeching noises - it is so cute!! She is VERY loud, but she has to be in this house, otherwise she wouldn't be heard!! Ooops...she is awake from her nap, so I have to run!! I will talk to you guys later!

    Thanks again for reading my posts, and for the advice! I love it!! :)

    eta: the Dr said my lungs are better & the pneumonia is pretty much gone, but he said I have a scar on my lung. He didn't really say what that means, but it didn't sound good to me. I am hoping that isn't a really bad thing.
    [This Message was Edited on 03/07/2010]
  9. lgp

    lgp Well-Known Member

    I am so tired. I was okay five minutes ago, but after reading your post and all you did, I am vicariously exhausted. Slow down girl!!

    Kjade, I am not a doctor, but I know pneumonia usually leaves a scar on the lungs. That's probably what the doctor meant. My sister has had it since she had pneumonia as a little kid.

    Now I have to rest!!