Feeling Blue and like I have no purpose

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by ayhatch, Mar 27, 2007.

  1. ayhatch

    ayhatch New Member

    Hi everyone,
    I'm awaiting a decision about SSI and am on state disability till then. Meanwhile, I have had a summer job for several years that I love and was planning on going back to this year, even though I am experiencing more pain, walking problems and brain fog. The job and person I work for is fairly flexible, so I thought that we could work it out for me to continue working with some more modifications. I.e. - I wanted to fix my pay so that I didn't make over the allowable amount by SSI OR volunteer my time and remain on my full benefits from disability. I also wanted to see if she could hire someone else to share the job with me, so I could have more time off and not do the part of the job that is more difficult for me.

    I realized and told my boss that it is the job itself, not the pay that I want to maintain. It's the connection with the company. There are many benefits to me and my kids especially. The kids come to work with me, they get to participate, it's outdoors, we really love being there.

    The problem is that my boss isn't really the boss. It's a non-profit, so though she is the managing director...she answers to the board of directors. Since my job is one of great responsibility and liability (deals with cash...lots of it) she thinks that the board would feel that they need to have a paid person in the position.
    I'm getting the feeling that I may have to let go of this wonderful job. She told me that the kids and I are welcome to come and volunteer in other ways as often as we want.
    She said she'll talk to her board about ways to work around my limitations. I wouldn't want to raise an issue about being disabled and having rights cause frankly I have been worried about my being able to do the job as well as before. My brain fog is so bad. I forget things all the time and counting money, adding numbers, reading data on a computer screen for a long time, etc. is very, very difficult for me.

    I feel so bad. I have felt robbed of my health by this DD, but now I really feel like it's tossing me aside from being a useful person.
    I guess I should look to volunteering as a good thing, then I can do only as much as I can handle and won't have total responsibility.
    Still, I feel rejected and really, really blue. A part of my life and something I really enjoy may be over. Another chapter in the book closed. How long before the book of my life ends? That's what worries me!
  2. Faerychild

    Faerychild New Member

    Hi,
    I also worry about this. I feel as though my life became a non-life when I got ill in 1993. My circle has telescoped into a much smaller one with nothing to do. I can't even volunteer
    since my illness is so severe. My husband of 28 years has been a source of strength but I have contemplted suicide often
    just b/c I feel so useless. And I really worry about old age
    and increased pain & memory problems then. I'm only 51 and it feels like my life is over.
    Thanks for letting me vent,
  3. Shalala

    Shalala New Member

    ... it is hard to snap out of those lows. I have been in really tough one the past few months (worse than my usual blues) and I am finally coming out of it somewhat (I hope). I am sick, in debt and alone ... and will probably get fired due to this "syndrome". I decided that if it happens (fired) I will just file for bancruptcy and SSDI and pray that it comes through. I was "at the brink" a few weeks ago and took myself of all meds but the anti-depressant and made myself DO THINGS ... a little here and a little there. I am far from feeling "perky" but I am feeling much better. I hope you feel better soon hun.
  4. ayhatch

    ayhatch New Member

    Just the empathy I needed to hear...
    I also had an Alanon meeting today...the subject was about the 3rd step, which is "made a decision to turn over my will to the care of God."
    This is exactly what I needed to hear also. I hesitated telling my boss the truth when she asked if I was up to the work, but honesty is best...that's what my higher power led me to. So, I told her I thought I could do the job, but that having help would tire and stress me less and that walking up the steps to the office (many and steep)would be hard on my hip.
    I really thought it was a good idea to have me stay in my job as manager, but hire an assistant to work most of the hours, but she thought that may not work.
    Well, we'll see. At least if I don't work I'll have more time off with my kids!
  5. Dee50

    Dee50 New Member

    I take 1000mg of fish oil omega-3 fatty acids to dump the blues and it works for me and its cheap! It took about one month of taking them before I noticed-the blues and down feeling left.
    Dee50 :)
    [This Message was Edited on 03/27/2007]