Feeling down...husband left me alone on bday weekend

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by CockatooMom, Sep 24, 2006.

  1. CockatooMom

    CockatooMom New Member

    Hey everyone...I just needed to post a vent. This is longer than I expected...sorry...

    My b-day is tomorrow (Mon). I'm in school full-time to be a nurse and spend 12-14 hours a day studying and doing homework.

    My hubby has been great about doing stuff around the house: laundry, dishes, vacuuming. But, ever since we split up last year for 3 months, got back together, then moved into a new place, he's been "different."

    He's not affectionate anymore. He doesn't pay me much attention, not as much as I want anyway. Our bird even chases after him to get his attention, but hubby doesn't want to be bothered.

    My husbad got sick this week, lost his voice, coughing and all, but he went out to the bar last night with his daughter anyway.

    This is the 4th weekend in a row. I wanted him to stay home with me this weekend, Monday being my b-day and all.

    He has declared Saturday night "His night." I AM allowed to have a night to do what I want to too, but I DON'T HAVE TIME!

    I was also welcome to go along with him last night. But, I don't like going to bars because I can't stand the cigarette smoke because of my asthma and I really don't drink much. I'm on anti-depressants and other meds anyway.

    He got me a funny card for my b-day saying how he doesn't express his feelings, but "just know that I love you."

    We got into a pretty intese "talk" about me not wanting him to go last night and I told him that if he would just show me more affection, then maybe I wouldn't feel this way.

    Here's the kicker....He basically told me to READ MY CARD when I need that. Those were his words exactly, "Read the card."

    I was crushed. Am I not worth loving? Am I not worth showing affection to if you really love me?

    I cried my eyes out and talked to a girlfriend on the phone last night after he left. I am afraid for what this may really mean for my future....being divorced after I graduate from school and start working again.

    I'm very depressed today and I have to study for my first nursing and microbiology exam. I'm bi-polar anyway and have been fighting depression for the last few months.

    Thanks for reading. I will be grateful for any replies.


  2. lisabk

    lisabk New Member

    I'm sorry, it isn't a judgement on you at all, but he sounds pretty insensitive. Maybe he's still smarting from whatever happened last year and feels powerful by hurting you. Not really healthy, is it?

    You're worth being loved and you're worth having a happy birthday.

    Keep fighting that depression. Take care.
  3. mrdad

    mrdad New Member

    So sorry you are feeling down on your B'Day weekend!

    But I have an idea. Fredericka "stood me up" this

    weekend and I still have that (2-4-1) coupon for IHOP!!

    Pick ya up for Breakfast, OK?? (Pigs in a Blanket??)

  4. 1horse

    1horse New Member

    It is hard to try and give someone advice so i dont . but you are worth loving and all...school is hard..been there done that..went to school when I was getting a divorce..Just hang in thereI was a nurse for 30 years and loved it... its worth all the hard work.. hugs
  5. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member

    Firstly many happy returns for tomorrow.

    Secondly I think I kow what may be going on. When couple separate for a short while, one or both can be scared really scared to really get close again. It is a wall they build.

    This may be happening. The jokey card may be the only way he knows "how" to tell you this.

    Here is what may help: plan ten minute "dates" with one another, douing stuff like, massage feet; feed the other one a sumptious desert; run a nice bath. Just baby steps.

    It was insensitive of him to go out with he daughter and of her too. He was surely thinking like a man in thinking that inviting you along was OK, but that can be a "guy" thing.

    The getting close again will not happen just by osmosis. Take the funny card and make one back saying something like "Appreciate the gesture, can we climb to the next stair now?" Suggest a ten minute date. It is all going to be about tempting slowly.

    Good luck. You are working so very hard, try and get a little break too.

    Love Anne
  6. carebelle

    carebelle New Member

    Hang in there . Sounds like you both are going threw some stuff. OVERLOAD

    I really can not give you advice because our life style is different. My husband would not go to a Bar with me or without. Ive had to many family members needing AA meetings after to many years in a bar. I personally do not think it's a good place for a married man. He should be
    home with you as often as he can .You need to spend your time together because you both have so much time doing other things.

    That is a problem ---Just my opinion---when couples spend time apart they loose interest in their marriage.

    You are gone a lot he probably is just trying to deal with his own time. maybe its time to talk about when you both have free time how important it is to spend it together. Because you work so much.

    Kind of a strange place to take your daughter I hope they do not end up in AA together.

    Kill him with love and kindness it works best in understanding each other. As much as you need that extra caring He does to. Do something special for him to.

  7. shelbo

    shelbo New Member

    that he has not been the same since you got back together after a three month split...
    Did you initiate the split? Maybe he's just scared that he'll get hurt all over again if he invests too much..you know the old adage 'once bitten, twice shy'?

    Another possibility is that he never wanted to get back together but felt pressurised to for some reason?

    Another(less probable and unhappy) possibility is that he made some sort of mistake during that three-month split, that is preventing him from being as he once was...?

    I think sitting down and talking about it is the way to go, if he will talk and you can both discuss rather than shout at eachother..

    If it's hard to talk, maybe it's worth suggesting marriage guidance sessions?

    You need to get to the bottom of this...things are hard enough for you right now and you need certainty in your life...this might be with your husband, it might not..

    Take care and keep us updated...

    I'll say a prayer for you both.

  8. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    listen to anne c....

    hugs to you and happy birthday...

  9. jrose

    jrose New Member

    Hope your day is a good one. Sorry to hear about upset. I think everyone gave good advice. Don't let this side track your goals. School and your future is too important. Judy
  10. CockatooMom

    CockatooMom New Member

    Once again my support from all of you exceeds my expectations! Thank you all so much!!

    I have read some very good thoughts and ideas from you regarding my situation. Thanks for the birthday wishes too. (Sorry I missed breakfast at IHOP!)

    My hubby is definitely insensitive at times, but I agree he may have put up the wall in self defense. We actually got back together by doing couples counseling. But not a week goes by that he doesn’t insinuate jokingly that we will be apart eventually. He’ll say things like, when I get my new job and move out…

    Oh, Sunday night after supper he was clearing the table asking if I was done with things as he put them away. The last thing he said was “Are you done with me?” I didn’t know what to do, because I’m NOT done with him. So I didn’t acknowledge that remark, so he said, “I guess you are.” I said I am what? Then I told him he was silly for saying such things.

    He does this stuff ALL of the time and I have done everything in my power to put his fears to rest and convince him that I am IN this till death do we part!

    Our biggest problem is communication. I talk and he doesn’t. So, for us to go out on a date night would be difficult. He just sits there. I think going to a movie would be the best plan for us!!

    He doesn’t use my name when he wants my attention…he just starts talking. He doesn’t call me sweetie, honey, or babe…nothing! And, he never compliments me.

    He doesn’t say thank you or your welcome, but he’s polite. I don’t understand! His two brothers are not this way.

    We don’t argue and yell. I raise my voice at times when I’m trying to get a point across.

    The ten minute date thing would be a good idea too. I like the idea of spending a little time just doing something nice for each other. But, I’m not sure if he’d go along with it. It’s worth a try!

    One thing I AM sure of is that he’s not an alcoholic. He doesn’t come home drunk, nor does he drink through the week.

    He told me he only goes to “the bar” to listen to music, shoot pool and because it’s something to do, “It keeps him young,” he says. Childish-YES, I agree. My step-daughter is 25 and just likes to get out to dance and stuff, take a break from her 3 kids.

    I know he probably feels insecure because “I’m so much smarter than he is.” That’s what he tells me. But he is smart in other ways, and I’ve told him so. He can do just about anything like electrical, carpentry, roofing, car mechanics, etc.

    He didn’t graduate high school and never tried to get his GED. I’ve tried to encourage him to get his GED. But if he does not want to that is out of my hands.

    But my problem now is, how can I kill him with kindness and want to treat him special when I’m SO hurt right now?

    I’m still SO angry that he walked out the door when I was in tears, knowing I didn’t want to be left alone.

    I'll take it as it comes. One day at a time I guess.

    Thank you all for reminding me I am worth loving and that graduating from school will be worth the hard work too.

    Being single with fibro would NOT the end of the world! And at least I will be able to support myself financially. (The main reason I started school to begin with.)

    Big Hugs to everyone!