feeling guilty

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by AnneTheresa, Jun 11, 2006.

  1. AnneTheresa

    AnneTheresa Member

    Every time I think I've let go of feeling guilty about falling short of an idealized version of myself I come to realize there's a whole new layer of feeling under the surface.

    I went off work six years ago due to severe fibromyalgia (and depression and diabetes) and have gone through much inner-work in order to feel okay with my limitations. I've got to a point where I mostly feel okay with not working, instead of feeling lazy, like I'm shirking my responsibilities etc.

    Having worked hard and paid into disability all those years when I was able-bodied means I'm entitled to a disability pension now that I'm disabled. There's no need for me to feel guilty about being on a disability pension. I think I get it.

    However, sleeping until 11 a.m., then staying in my pajamas until noon, I'll never feel okay with that. I don't do this every day (though it's been more frequently lately), only when I have trouble sleeping at night and therefore can't manage to get up at a decent hour.

    It bothers me that I still carry a notion of needing to get up at a 'decent' hour. Who cares anymore? My children are out on their own now, I don't have a job, my partner is self-sufficient etc. etc. there's no earthly reason why I can't just go with the flow and let my ever-changing level of wellness dictate what times I sleep, what times I get up, when I stay in my pajamas etc.

    It's like I'm hanging onto some semblance of normalcy that just doesn't gel with my new reality. This new reality of living around an illness, of taking the good moments as they come, of enduring the not so good moments. I need a new philosophy, one that does not berate the self for falling short, but celebrates a fragile life perched between doing and being.

    oh dear all I wanted to post about was being in my p.j's until noon and look where all it's led me.

  2. JewelRA

    JewelRA New Member

    That's OK, you post away! That's what this board is for, right?

    I totally understand how you feel. I feel the same way and it is compounded by the fact that I do have 2 little ones, and sometimes they have to wait way too late to get breakfast in the morning because Mommy just can't get out of bed. That is not every day, and rarely past 8:30 or 9, but still. I am trying to teach them to be more independent and I do have some help, but it's still hard.

    I feel guilt about many other things too, like not meeting my dh's needs and him having to do everything for me.

    But the last thing we need really is more guilt and self-condemnation. That will not help us or anyone else.

    But, believe me, I understand. It is a daily struggle.
  3. atiledsner

    atiledsner New Member

    It sounds like you are uncomfortable with the layers that are surfacing. Everything happens for a reason, learn from it, then move on.

    This is a time for you.All the time we spend saying when so and so happens I will have time to read,____________

    Did you ever think that time has arrived? So you are on disability? I hope and pray I get disability, I have a hearing July 17.

    I cherish being able to sleep until------ and being able to stay in my pajama's all day if I want too.Do and be what you desire.You have inspired me when I needed help.God Bless You
  4. janieb

    janieb New Member

    I worked until early retirement at 60 and STILL feel guilty when I'm not up and moving by 8 a.m. My husband makes his own breakfast, there's no one else here for me to take care of, so why would I feel guilty?

    Think it's just part of our makeup.

    After having said all that, I'm, not planning to get up earlier than I must or want to.

    Try to tell yourself you earned it.

  5. AnneTheresa

    AnneTheresa Member

    Honora, thanks for reminding me that letting go of guilt is an ongoing process. I tend to forget that sometimes.

    Jewel, thanks for your understanding. I remember well my days of raising children. It's such a joy but challenging due to this illness. My heart goes out to you

    Atiledsner, I'll pray your disability comes through. It took me three tries before mine was approved so don't give up if you're not successful on the 17th. I hope you are though.

    Janie B, thanks for your empathy. I agree with you that these feelings are part of our make-up, human nature. Take care.

    Dncnfngrs - thanks for you response and practical advice. I agree that sometimes just making a small change can have a huge impact. I will keep that in mind as I work to feel more comfortable in my life.

    Ladies, I much appreciate you're taking the time to respond to my post. I can't begin to tell you how much that means to me.

    God bless,
    Anne Theresa

  6. findmind

    findmind New Member

    I don't feel guilty anymore that I CAN'T get up before 11 a.m. The illness has done this to me. I have been a "mom" since I was 11 and got up for 35 years by 7 a.m., before I got sick.

    This is my REWARD...being able to follow my body's rhthym...even though caused by illness!

    A lot of our guilt comes from "shoulds", and usually someone else's idea of what we "should" be like, so I gave up following those a long time ago.

    The important thing is to take good care of yourself. Life will make you go against this because of certain responsibilities, but then you can take extra time to make sure you aren't overdoing it. Do not feel guilty about this, as it can depress your immune system and circumvent what you are trying to do.

    With this illness, the "shoulds" have to come from within ourselves, from our own innate sense of what we need, and when we need it.

    i.e., take good care of yourself, and others will help you do that because you are showing the respect you deserve, ok?

    There's always hope!
  7. BlueSky555

    BlueSky555 New Member

    Hi AnneTheresa,

    I did feel guilty for a while but not anymore. I still don't have my sleep pattern down yet so I'm not sleeping much. Even though I am up, I keep my pj's on also and just pin my hair up; no makeup unless going to Dr. or grocery store and then, very little.

    I enjoy not having to get up at 5 am, get dressed and drive to a job. I remember sitting on a stool in front of the bathroom mirror telling myself, "I just can't do this anymore" and crying, then somehow making it to work.

    I feel as if need the so called "reward" for all of the pain I must endure. The only thing I DO feel guilty about is not getting enough excercise but I can't due to other physical problems.

    Relax, do what you can, and enjoy what you do have. Don't worry about what you can't do and please don't feel guilty.

    Take Care,
  8. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    Can I relate!

    Not only do I "have to" be up and dressed by at least 9 a.m. but I must do hair and some makeup too. I tell myself that it keeps my spirits up but sometimes I wonder if it's just not putting unnecessary pressure on myself. Still, I don't want to become a slob; I'd dislike myself a lot!

    "It's like I'm hanging onto some semblance of normalcy that just doesn't gel with my new reality. This new reality of living around an illness, of taking the good moments as they come, of enduring the not so good moments. I need a new philosophy, one that does not berate the self for falling short, but celebrates a fragile life perched between doing and being."

    This is beautifully expressed. Thank you.