Feeling guilty

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by billiegail, May 18, 2003.

  1. billiegail

    billiegail New Member

    I am feeling really guilty because I am letting my family down.
    Everything about this DD is just messing up my life.
    I can't keep a clean house, no matter how hard I try. I have to force myself to cook and alot of times, My family eat sandwiches.
    I have been accused of having Bi-polar because of these mood swings.
    My kids and my husband were upset with me tonight because I just did not want to cook.
    They thought that I did not want to cook because I was not hungry and was not thinking of them.
    I do get tunnel vision from time to time and just forget, but I am just soooooooooooooo sick of dishes and cooking and cleaning! I am just wore out!
    I would rather go without eating for 2 or 3 days than to have to walk over to that stove or sink.
    By the time I am done cooking or cleaning, all I want to do is pass out.
    I guess I am just venting, but man......
    I just wish everyone would just lay off of me.
    I don't tell too many about this DD and I use to be so full of energy and I guess they still think I am.
    My family knows, but still think that the simple things in life, like cooking, should not be such a great feat.
    It is to me though.
    I just feel like a worthless mom and wife.
    I feel like I am allowing this DD to take over. I fight it by staying active, but I have to start being active in the morning or I'll be laying around all day. By the end of the day though, I am wore out.
    I have thought about naps and I have tried them, but my mind goes 90 to nothing and I can't hardly sleep at night, much less the day time.

    Do any of you just feel overwhelmed like this sometimes?
  2. baybe

    baybe New Member

    Funny your last line had that word in it. As soon as I read your first line, I recognized the feeling of being overwhelmed. You're way ahead of me on that curve it took me quite a while to even identify the feeling. I feel exactly the way you do,even up to my ability to go without food, which is so very unhealthy in our situation. There have been times where I can only get the energy to eat things like bananas and cheese, because it requires no preparation, but even then getting motivated to get up and get that can take a half of a day. I don't know what this emotional paralysis is and I have yet to find a physician that is able to identify it either. What I want you to know is that it is not a flaw in your personality, it has to do with chemical manifestations. This may not help you cure this, but please don't add guilt on top of this. I sometimes reach the level of personal disdain bordering complete disgust with myself. Hearing you say this and knowing how I feel towards you , makes me realize I need to give myself a break. SoI guess you deserve to give yourself a break. We are doing the best we can under "overwhelming" circumstances. Thanks for your courage in sharing this stuff is hard.
  3. kellyann

    kellyann New Member

    I know just how you feel, I get tired of cooking and cleaning too. I have carpal tunnel in both hands, makes doing dishes even worse. I feel quilty because my husband has to call in for pizza once or twice a week because I feel too sore and tired.
    Take Care!
    Kellyann
  4. kmelodyg

    kmelodyg New Member

    I hear ya! Today was my sister's college graduation. She is graduating at the top of her class. It is a 45 min drive there, and I would have been in a wheel chair the whole time. But when I woke up this morning, I knew I could not do it. I was in so much pain, I felt like my body was turned inside out. My favorite things to do are dancing, singing, cooking, cleaning, shopping, throwing parties, and anything to do with socializing. Can I do those things anymore? Hell no!! I cried so hard this morning because I felt like I let my sister down. I cannot even do the little things anymore, like making coffee for my boyfriend in the morning. My diet consists mostly of yogurt, fruit, and granola bars. If I shop for a 1/2 hour on a good day, I will be in bed for the next 4 to 5 days! Doing dishes? Yeah right!! I cannot pick up my baby nephew anymore! I cannot run to the store to pick up dog food. What is up with that? I feel so useless and dependant. I hate it. So, hon, you are soooooo not alone! It really sucks I know! I am so sorry that your family gives you such a hard time. Don't you wish that you could just let them be in your shoes for a day? But they really cannot understand unless they are going through it themselves. Just don't beat yourself up. You didn;t ask to be in this condition. And tell them to give you a break!!

    Lots of love,
    Kathryn
  5. Princessraye

    Princessraye New Member

    My mom had fibro and cfs and I couldn't have asked for a better mother.
    She did her best and loved us. Somehow with this overwhelming illness for the most part she did remain a fairly calm person and I think that helped. A screaming person is a pain in the behind .
    I think planning ahead like a night of ordering in where the family knows just what night that is each week is a great idea.
    A lot of times a family would just like to know what is going on ahead of time instead of being left to guess.
    If you can, use paper plates for as long as you need to. (less dishes) Try casserole type meals (one pan !) as much as you can. There is nothing wrong with a pan of frozen lasagna and warming up some garlic bread now and then. Just try to think of the things that are easiest for you and of course there will be the days where a sandwich is the best you can do and that is OK :)
    I feel overwhelmed like that and I don't even have a family to care for !You are not worthless, I know it is easy to feel that way.
    Any wife and mother gets overwhelmed so of course you are going to be dealing with this DD on top of life in general.
    You may or may not be bi-polar but talk to a dR. (who will listen) about this. Sometimes you need help with these things .
    You are in my prayers.
  6. layinglow

    layinglow New Member

    I understand, just how overwhelmed you feel. Please enlist everyone's help in the household. Sit down and have a family conference. Explain, exactly how you are feeling emotionally and physically. I know it is so hard for those who are not afficted to understand--how a simple meal, even a sandwich, can be totally out of our range, due to exhaustion. Ask them if you can rely on them now, as I know you have taken care of them all so well, for a long time.
    Children can really rise up to the occassion, and can be a great help, if they know just how important it is for them to take on the responsibility. I don't know how old your children are....I have 4---and 4 grandchildren, and each tries to help as much as their capabilities allow, and take pride in it. I let them each know how important they are to me, and how I couldn't get along without their love and care. They are doing even more now, that my husband has been dx'ed with Fibro, and I have Fibro and CFS.
    I know the feeling of regret, that it is not us who are accomplishing the tasks we used to---but it just isn't possible. I try to spend my time, improving the relationships with those around me. The house doesn't run like it used to...the kids fix many meals, and wash clothes, but we are a family....and that's what families do.
    We stick together through thick and thin.
    love, ll
  7. billiegail

    billiegail New Member

    For all of your encouragement and support. I am having a family meeting tonight! I plan on making some changes around here By enlisting everyone's help in different areas. You all gave me some really good advice and I will be using it.
    Thank you all very much.
    God bless you
  8. loopyloo

    loopyloo New Member

    First of all you need to tell everyone family friends everyone that you are ill you have a dibilitating desease
    Dont you dare feel guilty it is not your fault and if they dont no they cant help,first your partner can cook, you can have a few take aways, jacket potatoe in the microwave with all diffrent toppings cheese and beans my kids love its cheap easy and filling and you could probably think of loads of other toppings tuna and mayo, cheese and coldslaw chilli macarroni chesse theres loads, get a dish washer, 1 child to fill and 1 to put away the clean stuff it is not a luxury it is now an essential for the smooth running of your house we put it on at night when we go to bed and it youses the cheaper electric share the chores give everyone in the house a list of daily /weekly chores depending on there ages they can dust hoover my children hoover on a monday from the top down i have a town house thats 3 floors and on a friday so its clean for the week and clean for the weekend in between it can wait or get a carpet sweeper or dustpan and brush, if some one makes a mess let them clean it up they'll think twice next time as they will have to clean it up, they are learning and believe it or not kids love to help they may moan at first but put a list up and every day say have you done your jobs, i feel guilty as i used to go out with my friend to nightclubs i just tell her now i cant go as i cant stand up for more than 20 mins, you can invite people over for a take away and share the cost that way your still socialising but you are comfortable in your own home where you feel safe, if you dont feel well one day rest the house work wont go away it can wait another day your helth is important, so start dishing out them orders girl and get some help going on in that house, if you dont want to go out any wear tell who ever you dont feel upto it today as you are not well.
    Love from Loopyloo xx
    ((((((((((big hugs))))))))))))) from the UK
  9. 1Candee

    1Candee New Member

    Hon, I feel your pain and I feel your guilt--it's with me everyday and does cause major stress which we do not need. As they said in some of the other posts--you just need to go easy on yourself--make sure your immediate family and very close friends know what's going on w/ you and delegate--then delegate some more. It is so very easy for me to give advice like this but I seem to have a really hard time taking it myself.
    I could so relate to the person who said they would opt for cheese or banana over a real meal b/c of fatigue---that's my thing. Just slice off a chunk of cheddar/mozzerella(I keep stocked up on these. And then there are the bananas --right there in the little collendar type deal calling to me. I have gotten to where I eat the small canned mandarin oranges(4 cans for 1.00 at $$ store) say for breakfast and sometimes during the day. Nope, this isn't really good for the ole health but sometimes it's the only way. Oh for the days when I made homeade chicken/noodles from scratch and the huge Thanksgiving feasts I prepared lovingly and w/ pride. I am still trying to get diagnosed after having this DD for 4 yrs---feel I have CFS and now Fibro is creeping in---high ANA. it was all I could do to make it up to the lab this morn for yet more bloodwork, etc.--came home--did a few minor chores, fed animals then crashed on the couch at 1PM. Am so tired and want to take naps but I just lay there--kinda zoned out--in pain, scared---I feel so weak a lot of the time and always in the back of my mind is a weak heart that's slowly deteriorating b/c I cannot exercise. IBS has really creeped into the picture over this past week--diarehhea(sp) every morn. Yes, we are all in this together and it's truly a DAMN shame that we have to suffer like this esp. since a lot of us has done our major share of contributing to society and giving back b/f this all came down on us. We will have our discouraging days and all we can do is roll with it. Last Sat. I cried for 75% of the day--just could not stop. Am in the process of switching SSRI's could be a part of it. Hopeless is what I felt that day. I had managed to go buy a few plants at a farmers mkt.---but they're still sitting out there--too tired to pull the weeds, and get my garden prepared like I usually do. I have always had gardens and now this. By God if I have to I will spend 5 min. out there everyday--about my max for the rest of the summer---what else can one do. Sorry for going on and on--you gave me a reason to do some venting myself. Have to do it here---others may try to empathize, but they just don't have a clue. Feel better hon, you are loved and understood here without a doubt. Cat
    Overwhelm is the story of my life---esp. for a once perfectionist who HAD to have things in order and running smoothly.
  10. tiredmum3

    tiredmum3 New Member

    I am fairly new to all of this and am feeling horrible, I could hardly do anything over the weekend, and when I read your post, I could have been reading about me......no one really understands.....and there are days when this takes over and the last thing I can think about is cleaning the house or cooking dinner, I also work a full time job which is now becoming more difficult to do...at first when I was diagnosed I felt like I could beat it but every day and now every week, it is getting worse.....reading messages here helps me to realize that there are so many of us...thanks for sharing all your good ideas, I too will enlist my kids in helping me out.....the banana thing is funny....we all have the same idea..
    [This Message was Edited on 05/19/2003]
  11. Annette2

    Annette2 New Member

    I am working and come home and the thought of cooking knocks me out! Now that it's summery weather, I opt for grilling on the barbeque. There's no clean up and it's easy. Open a can of vegetables (I don't even heat it up) and I have a meal. Just throw the dishes in the dishwasher! I know how you feel about being overwhelmed. This weekend we went food shopping - there's no way I could do it myself. I couldn't even THINK about what to buy. I wish you luck with your family meeting - let us know how it goes!!!!

    Annette2
  12. allhart

    allhart New Member

    i posted this artica; along time ago ,but wanted you to read it maybe you can print it up and put it on the fridge,
    hugs
    kara

    Managing Daily Activities with Fibromyalgia
    by Cynthia Webber, Suite101.com
    Those who don't deal with fibromyalgia on a daily basis have a very difficult time understanding why people who have it can't always remember things, get exhausted from doing simple activities, or have pain so severe that all we want to do is try to find a comfortable position so we can just have a few pain free moments.

    A friend of mine wrote these words to me many months ago, and to me they sum up our experiences with an activity that most people just take for granted.

    "I remember I used to 'cook dinner', and it was no big deal. Now I have to 'think' about what I'm going to fix, then I have to 'think' if I really want to thaw something out or just have soup because I hurt so bad. Then maybe I decide I'll fry that chicken, so then I have to go to the freezer, and it's not an upright, so I have to lift the lid, and find something to prop it open. Then, of course, the chicken is on the bottom, so I have to pick everything out of there which is cold and frozen, until I find the chicken. Now that I've found it, I have to put everything else back. Then I take the chicken to the microwave and put it on defrost. Then I suppose that I have to cook potatoes to go with the chicken. Now I have to walk back to the laundry room, get the potatoes, bring them back to the kitchen table, where I sit down for a minute because the pain in my shoulders just won't quit. I've forgotten the knife, so I have to get up, which really hurts. I never want to get back up after I've sat down, but I get the knife, and sit back down and peel the potatoes, which takes a little time because my fingers and hands hurt so bad. Once that part is done, I have to go get a pan, take it to the sink, fill it with water for the potatoes, wash the potatoes, cut them into pieces, and put them in the pan. The pan is very heavy at this point, so I may ask for help carrying it or just go for it, depending on how bad my hands are. I haven't even gotten to the chicken yet or set the table. Most people just do this stuff automatically every night, while the people with fibromyalgia just have to take it one step at a time, and it can be grueling. The same thing happens when I go out for dinner. I never sit in a booth because it hurts so bad trying to get up, so now we always ask for a table. There are just so many adjustments that we have to make just to 'get through' a day."

    Then there's laundry, errands, or light housework which must be done by someone. In my family, I'm the designated someone since I always did these things before developing fibromyalgia. My children do their own laundry, but trying to haul a load of my husband's and my dirty laundry down to the basement from the upstairs is exhausting. If I do it when one of my children is at home, I may get help if I ask, and occasionally one of them will actually offer to carry it for me. Then there is the problem of several family members trying to do laundry at the same time. With each person having their own laundry basket, it should work, but it doesn't all of the time. I find my half dried laundry thrown on top of the dryer since one child needs their clothes dry before work or school. Then there is the issue of the towels. I did tell them that I wouldn't wash their towels anymore since they are too heavy for me to carry, but what I find is the towels in the master bathroom being used by them because they have run out of towels.

    Family conferences are a necessary evil, and they only work when all members are willing to do their part, or when all members are home at the same time in order to sit down and explain the rules over and over again. It is extremely frustrating to be the only member of a family who is living with pain and fatigue, yet is expected to organize a family conference, set the rules, and try to have the energy to follow through with them.

    Before I developed fibromyalgia, these problems weren't as exhausting for me, but now it is too much work to have to continually explain why I can't or shouldn't do something. I'm praised for fixing a nice dinner, yet the dishes are left on the sink for me to do before I go to bed at night. The dusting just isn't done, and even though two of my family members have allergies, they don't make the effort to do it.

    As my friend wrote, just thinking about preparing a meal can be exhausting, but actually doing it can be painful and it becomes a major chore rather than something pleasurable to do.

    Living on disability, only one salary, or having to work in spite of dealing with fibromyalgia can become emotionally and physically exhausting for us. Those who have to work in order to have a roof over their heads, food in the cupboards, or clothes on their backs can mean that there is little energy left over for activities of normal daily living. Those who don't have fibromyalgia can't seem to understand why we aren't more organized, or why we don't just hire a housekeeper, or force our children and spouses to do more chores.

    It is emotionally exhausting to have to continually remind people that we just can't do certain things. Sometimes it is easier to either just not do them, or force ourselves to do the minimum of chores so that our homes don't become overwhelming with dirt or clutter.

    We may be mourning for the lives that we once had, yet since our pain and fatigue is usually invisible to those around us, we don't always receive the understanding which we desperately need. I've been told by many well-meaning friends to get my family to help more, but they aren't living my life for me. It is difficult enough to just get through some days without people placing greater expectations upon me.

    Not only must we change the way in which we live our lives, we must also deal with the losses that we've sustained to our self-esteem. For most of us, we hate to feel like nonproductive members of our families or our communities, but the reality is that we have to stop and think before doing almost anything now. Sometimes the chore seems so overwhelming that it's easier to just do nothing, yet that can lead to depression.

    There is no one simple answer for each of us, and we have to learn to listen to ourselves rather than let others tell us how to live our lives now.
  13. loopyloo

    loopyloo New Member

    I was just wondering how your family meeting went the other day and have you told every one you are ill now let us all no
    ((((((((((((Big hugs )))))))))
    Loopyloo xx
  14. billiegail

    billiegail New Member

    Thanks for your replies and the letter to print. I will print that.
    It took a while for me to figure out that I can type my name in and find all these repies to my post. (Thanks to Mikie)
    I did have my family meeting and everyone has started helping out much more. I was really surprised by that.
    Thanks for asking.
    God bless you
  15. kerrymygirl

    kerrymygirl New Member

    I felt guilty when I did not know what was wrong and I could not keep up with my teenagers.

    Now I feel guilty because I canot drive or afford to see them not even Grandkids. I just feel guilty for not being there for them when they run into problems.

    Guess it never ends. Just do your best for them to understand. I know my kids hated seeing a vibrant happy person turn into a slug. I was so active, then as we know what the meaning of chore is. That is going to the bathroom
    isn`t it??????

    I know others actually get angry at us, what can we do, just the best you can. Take care Yourself.


    Hugggssssss
  16. kredca4

    kredca4 New Member

    I don't feel that way, what I do feel is Regret, that I can't do the thing's I used to do.
    I miss a lot of the Family Reunion's and visiting with Friends, even going to Church is not feasible for me now.

    No I feel Sad, Mad, and sometimes Depressed, but not Guilty, because I didn't do anything Wrong, and I didn't desert my Family, I've just been Robbed of the Person that they all Knew and Loved.

    It's hard on both side's of the fence, but it sound's like you are headed in the right direction. Glad your Family meeting went so well, I don't know how old your Children are, but even little ones can help out, sometimes, you can make it a game with them.

    If they are Teen's, then I know that they can do some of the Big job's, here's a question tho, can you let people do thing's their way? I find that I have a hard time letting people who are helping me do it their way.
    I figure if the job get's done, then what does it matter? and yet, I'll find myself doing it. My Mom was that way, guess I'm more like her than I thought. lol

    You will work through this and come out a family, maybe not the way you all Want, but if my Family and the Out-law's can come to Term's, then anyone can.
    Took 7 years tho, but the wait was worth the Peace of mind I now have.

    God Bless you
    sharon
  17. dolsgirl

    dolsgirl New Member

    Very frequently...I do what I can when I can. My husband understands this. The children are grown and out of the house so I don't have little ones to worry about feeding. Maybe they're big enough for the clean-up, or learning to? Or maybe they're old enough to start cooking simple meals. It doesn't have to be just you in the kitchen. dolsgirl

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