Feeling Guilty........

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by LAFR, Sep 15, 2003.

  1. LAFR

    LAFR New Member

    Hi everyone,
    I'm a 32 yr old mother of 3 very active little boys. I was just diagnosised in Feb 03 with FM and RA. I'm feeling so guilty... I stopped working in Nov... from a good paying part-time job because I thought I was losing my mind.. My family DR. said I was having tension headaches..but I ached everywhere ,it felt like the flu, but it wouldn't go away...finally he sent me to a Rheummy...who said I had FM..and there's nothing he could do about it.."go home and look it up on the internet and find your own treatment". Nice huh? My family Dr. put me on elavil 10mg ( that's all I can handle) and did tons of blood work.. turns out I also had RA..my cpk levels are highly elevated too...????? but he can not explain why they are so high.. any clues from anyone?? Anyway I feel awful physically, mentally and very guilty...because of my family..I can't do the things I used to...and I'm not working..How do you apply for disability? I live in up state NY. Do I qualify?.. Anyway I feel useless..I'm not the person I use to be..and I don't like who I am now!!! I feel trapped in my own body and nobody understands.. I used to walk/run 5 miles a day, now I can barely walk around the block. My old walking/running partner just doesn't understand I can't do it anymore it hurts sooo bad....everyone tells me exercise is the best thing for you..every time I do some form of exercise I can barely move the next day...I'm now taking viox also but I'm at the bottem of the totem pole right now.I'm just starting to really get depressed (not my personallity at all, I always kept a positive mind) (but not anymore). How can I live with this pain the rest of my life???????(and not take from my family).....I want to be happy again I want my body and life back...I feel so guilty....need understanding.....
  2. Lexied

    Lexied New Member

    First of all I want to tell you that you are NOT ALONE!! I'm so sorry you are going through such a hard time right now... I wish I could make it better myself. Secondly, please get another Doctor that specializes in RA (Rheumatoid Doctor). He will probably be able to give you a lot more answers about Fibromyalgia and especially about RA. They are both very painful, I have both RA & FM too and I know how hard it is to live with. Having 3 children to take care of makes it even harder! Please don't feel guilty! You didn't bring this on yourself ... it's just the hand you've been dealt. Although it's true that there aren't any miracle cures for Fibro, there are lots of different medications, both prescription and non-prescription, that you can take to CONTROL it. You may even need to see a "Pain Management" Doctor. He will be able to prescribe pain medications & treatments for you. The RA can be controlled as well, there are several good medications out there, they probably won't cure you but they will HELP. As far as applying for disability - I think you can just call the Social Security office to apply initially. I'm not sure how it works in NY, I live in Georgia, but that's now I did it. They send you LOTS of paperwork to fill out and the entire process is a long one but you must be patient and most of all PERSISTANT to get it. I'm so thankful you found this message board... the people here are WONDERFUL!! They all know how you feel and you will find so many stories that are just like yours ... you'll also find strength, information, inspiration and lots of support here!! I know that I'M so thankful to have found it! You will probably spend lots of time on this board, as I have, and I will pray that you will find the answers you are looking for. If I can help you in any way just let me know!!

    You are in my prayers!!

  3. badangel3

    badangel3 New Member

    You are not alone in your suffering and I have found this board to be a wonderful place to vent and share and find info. I had no one to talk to that could understand and when I feel the need to just let it all out, I know I can come here and I'm not judged or put down or abandoned. We are all going thru various stages of our illnesses, but there is always someone here who understands.

    Don't give up, there is much help here. Jackie
  4. carole128

    carole128 New Member

    Dear Lafr
    Sorry to hear you are feeling so low at the moment. However adding guilt to your list of complaints will make you feel worse. It was not your choice to become ill, though there is this theory that over achievers are more likely to get FM. Before I got FM I used to fit so much in one day. I worked part-time, looked after 2 children, cooked, washed, went to the gym 3 times a week, biked, tennis, run( run/walked marathons)loved running cross country. I really enjoyed fitting so much in one day! Now it takes me 3 days just to do the housework, I love gardening but can only do it in 15 minute blocks. I realized that I may have contributed to my risk of getting FM. However I refused to feel guilty and just look at my past life with happy memories. Now I make the most of each day and do what I can and leave the rest for my husband or just leave it for another day. I discovered that most of my super fit friends didn't want to know me when I could no longer keep them company running, biking or going to the gym. The friends I have now accept me for who I am (1 big pain). I have a lovely courtyard garden and they just pop in anytime knowing they have a good chance of finding me sitting out in the garden. John Denver is just singing "sun shine on my shoulder makes me happy"! Perfect timing to end this message.
    Lots of hugs. Carole
  5. ranger

    ranger New Member

    And that's an order. ha ha. Seriously, feeling guilt only adds to stress and pain. It's hard, but you didn't ask for this. You need to be under the care of a Fibromyalgia doc, who really gets it. They can help with the depression and pain issues to hopefully help you to feel a little better. A positive mind is fine, but I've found that it isn't always possible. Stick with this board and read what others have read. It helps. Ask any questions you want, we all have suggestions.
    Furthermore, I would push for the cpk and Rhuematoid factor abonormals and find out exactly what they mean. The exercise you try now might not be as logical for your new body and you may have to find something more suited for how you are now. Don't give up. You now have to become an advocate for yourself and don't let doctors and outsiders make you feel inferior. It seems everyone has gone through what you are now. Rest and meds help with the pain. Time takes things through a path of up and down changes. I hope you get support from family and friends. If not, know that it is common for others to misunderstand and make you feel guilty... but don't let them. Anyone who hasn't been through this does not understand and educating them often helps. But right now your job is to seek out relief and find assistance from this board. Good luck to you and keep in touch.
    Ranger (a Mom with FM for 5-7 years)
  6. LAFR

    LAFR New Member

    Thank you...all of you !!!! Your words really helped!! I am so glad I found this site....your all woderful I'm feeling alittle better now.....now that I found others who know exactly what I'm going through....thank you!!!
  7. RatLuver

    RatLuver New Member

    I have been feeling guilty for the 13 years that I've been on SSD. I know it's not logical as I worked hard for many years, raised a son, paid taxes, paid into SSA, etc. It got so bad that this past June I made the BIG mistake of telling my psych that "I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up." He forced me to go into a mental hospital for a week which I hated. I felt like a criminal and a prisoner. They kept asking me if I wanted to hurt myself or anyone else. How do they make the leap from my being depressed and anxious due to health and money problems, to my being a homicidal maniac????? Don't allow yourself to get so down that you end up hospitalized. It didn't do a thing for me and just left me paranoid of being locked up there again. Now I force myself to tell my doctors that I'm OK, even if I'm not. One doctor asked me why I didn't look "happy" the day I got out of that place, and I just looked at him and was speechless. If I had gone on a nice vacation then his question would have been appropriate. What do people/doctors think those places are, vacation resorts?
    I still feel resentful when I think of it all. I'm just trying to put it behind me now.
    We don't deserve to feel guilty for developing health problems that we didn't ask for.
    Hang in there.
    Tricia - RatLuver
  8. NanceZ

    NanceZ New Member

    who do understand. I'm glad you found this board....I'll pray for you and for your ability to accept and then live your life as fully as you are able.

    I got this from somewhere and really tried to listen to it when I was new. I'm sorry I don't have the author to attribute.

    Stage one -facing the truth Recovery began with the hardest part of all -facing the truth of the existence and severity of my illness and disability. This set me free to begin the journey of recovery from a place that was real and therefore solid to build on. It gave me the opportunity to fight with the illness rather than fighting against it.

    best of luck and prayers to you (and to all of us!)
  9. Lana56

    Lana56 New Member

    You don't need to feel guilty-try to keep in mind you did not do anything to cause your condition.I understand all you are feeling and we have all been there with the emotions.Things have changed for you,family and friends and it is hard for everyone.Keep in mind that you have a right to good medical care.If for any reason you are not getting it,keep looking.I am glad your doctor put you on the antidepressant.Remember though that if it is not helping there are many others and yes they do help with sleep and can help with pain level.You may need more help and you deserve to get it.I understand where you are right now-I suffered a long time in many ways you mention.I wanted understanding from everyone and had to learn that you can't always get it-sometimes friends just can't understand and even family too.I went through many doctors,many medications,and more and it took time for me to learn what I needed to do to help myself and the people around me.Believe me it is a fight,but you can do it.I had to find a doctor willing to work with me with medications and who would listen and help when I needed it.I also went in to therapy to have someone validate all I had to deal with-talking about losses and frustrations made a difference.I got the support to fight for good medical care and I learned
    a lot of ways to relax myself and a lot more.I also joined a pain group to talk to people that lived with all the challenges I am and there i got the understanding I needed so badly.I could not always get to meetings either,but i made friends and then I could call to talk to someone,they checked on me if I was going through a bad time and we send eachother a card to cheer another up when someone is in need.I learned how to help myself there and got info on treatments and medications-we share experiences and it helps too_One woman in the group is a massage therapist-she has fibro herself and know what it is to be in pain.She has helped all of us and knew how massage should be done on someone in pain.For me it helped -others it did not.With this group,therapy,and a wonderful doctor,I have learned to live with the pain.It is never easy and that is why we need understanding and support.Remember you did not ask for this and in time if you look for all the help you need,you will feel better.Who knows in time you will take those walks.I encourage you to be good to yourself-the more help you get yourself,the more you will help the people that love you.
    As far as SSD call your Social Security office and simply ask for the forms and get it started.They can tell you if you qualify(depends on your work history) and I will tell you it is a long process,but fight it-you deserve it.I wish you the best.I know everyone here will give you the support you need.Hang in there and be good to yourself. Lana56