Feeling like I need to make a Change

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by kjade, Mar 14, 2008.

  1. kjade

    kjade New Member

    I don’t know if it’s my depression, the weather we are having, or if I’m just very bored……but I feel like I need to do something to change my life for the better. I know I have been truly blessed. I have a wonderful husband, 3 beautiful children who are thriving, a nice home, a really good job, extended family that I love more than anything, and really great friends. I probably appear to have “everything” to those on the outside. But lately, I have been feeling very empty and down. I don’t feel like I have been living up to my full potential – I feel like I need to make a change, but also am afraid to trust my instincts.

    Obviously, I can’t just up and quit my job. I make very good money, and we can’t survive without both incomes. I have been here 12 years, but I really can’t stand my job. It doesn’t bring me any job or sense of accomplishment. In fact, just the opposite. I get treated like such garbage…..and it has become very apparent that I will never climb any higher than I am right now. I have worked far too hard to stay right where I am. But unfortunately, I happen to have very strong morals, integrity and self-respect. And I am not going to sacrifice those things just to climb a few rungs up the corporate ladder. No….just not worth it. And I know I’m better than that.

    I know I’m not too old to go back to school, but I don’t have the time right now. I am working full-time and trying to raise my kids – I am lucky if I get 5 hours of sleep a night anymore with everything I have going on. And I know that raising my children in a healthy loving environment; making sure they are taken care of and raised to be responsible adults, will be the most important job I ever do, and the most difficult.

    But I still can’t stop feeling like there is something “more” for me, if that makes sense. I don’t feel like I am doing everything I was meant to be. Perhaps I have been where I was and gotten to where I am now to prepare me for something bigger…I don’t know. Or maybe, I am just so exhausted, physically and mentally, that I need to sleep for about a month. Or………..maybe I should just shut up and be happy the way things are. I just keep looking for some kind of sign that I need to move forward with a different plan.

    Thanks for allowing me to write about these things here. I am so pleased that I have a place like this to talk about how I feel. I know what others would say if I ever brought this up in conversation in my life……..that’s why I keep this stuff to myself. Thanks for listening.
  2. sisland

    sisland New Member

    You are Doing a wonderful job with all thats on your plate!
    It sounds like your Exhausted to me! I have no idea how your hanging in there! Especialy with this DD!,,,,

    is there anyway you can Take a couple days off and rest up?,,,,,i know that sounds like a drop in the Bucket!,,,,,the only other way is to lock yourself in your room and take a nap as often as you can!,,,,,,,

    I remember being in this position that you describe,, and it eventualy led to me being so ill and exhausted that i finaly had to quit work and go to the Dr,,,,,

    who prescribed 6 meds for me on the first day i went to him (Scarey!),,,that was the begining of my decent into having to file for SS Disability,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,do you get any paid sick days where you work?,,,,or Vaction? ,,,,,,,Wish i could Help,,,,,,,I'll Pray!,,,,,,,Hugs!,,,,Sis
  3. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    Hi KJade -
    I think it says a lot about you. You want more...you're thinking about how to improve your life...your inner self. Nothing wrong with that. It doesn't mean that you'll have all the answers right now or know exactly what you want to do, BUT now your mind and heart are open and willing to receive when 'It' comes along, you'll know it.
    I have always been that way. Happy and content, but at times, knowing there is "more' that I want/need out there. I think it's a GREAT thing. It's a strength - you're not one to settle, to just be complacent. Don't ever shut up and be happy with the way things are if you are wanting more! Always keep dreaming. You never know where it will lead you. As I said, once you open your mind and your heart, (which you have)..things start to happen. You are now receptive to opportunities that will be in front of you. Do answers come quickly? NO. But they will evolve with each day.
    I am SO like that - it's funny. As content and happy as I am most of the time, I've always had an inner feeling of needing to live up to my potential. What that is differs during different times in my life. Sometimes more time is spent on raising my little ones, other times, more career focused..it changes as life changes. Right now I'm focusing on my future (as well as day to day happiness!!!)working hard towards a life where my husband and I can enjoy a nice retirement or time when both kids are out of the home (one left). Yesterday I focused on my part time schedule so that I could attend school activities etc. The day before it was something else... am I articulating this at all?? :)
    Be proud of yourself for thinking the way you are - I think it's a wonderful quality!!! I have gotten nothing but accolades and praise for being that way in my life and it has gotten me where I am in my life. - No matter what you decide to do in your life, with your life, at certain times in your life, as long as you're always dreaming and not settling for less than what you want, you're a winner in my book.
  4. Rafiki

    Rafiki New Member

    I agree with Janalyn that things evolve, happen in stages, slowly. I agree that you don't have to know what you will do with the feeling that you can and will do more. It is enough to have that new understanding.

    For now, why not just revel in the understanding that your current circumstances and situation do not define you or your life. Your life will evolve in wonderful ways as you grow and become more yourself and less afraid. Fantastic system, don't you think?!

    This new feeling can be understood as simple discontent with what is or it can be the really positive feeling of knowing that you are growing and no longer fit some of the old roles (work) that you settled for in the past. Change is inherently uncomfortable. It is the discomfort that moves us to change.

    So, for now, can you take comfort in your discomfort? Can you understand that it is your new understanding of your worth that makes your old self seem an uncomfortable fit? Can you reframe that feeling? Am I making sense?

    When you feel you must move on somehow, you can begin to explore distance learning, perhaps. There are lots of things you can do in preparation that will not take extra effort or resources now but can help you to feel that you are moving forward. You become someone who is exploring new directions and career options. Before you even take a course you become someone who is going to study something. When you begin even one course you become someone who is studying something. Know what I mean?

    It seems to me that you are at the stage where you have become someone who knows they will slowly rearrange their life so that it is a better fit for the person they really are. There is no need to rush into anything. When we simply know that we are on our way to creating the life we want we can feel more patience with the life we have.

    I hope I made some sense!


    [This Message was Edited on 03/14/2008]
  5. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    It's so funny - I've read many posts you've written before and I have to look to see if it was me who wrote them! You and I think a lot alike.
    Now don't go posting something really strange and off the wall and making me take back that last comment!! LOL
    Anyway- you so eloquently wrote what I was trying to say.

    To add a little more Kjade - I always say that questioning where we are in life is a sign of growth. Regardless of what has brought the thoughts about - whether you think it's depression or self-reflection or a great sunny day..
    open your heart, mind and hands to receive.....
  6. Rafiki

    Rafiki New Member

    Having read and very much enjoyed your posts I take your observation as a great compliment!

    I will try not to suddenly go wonky on you. I don't think there's much danger but you never know.


    Kjade is on a very cool and challenging journey, don't you think? Well, silly question, I know you do.


  7. kjade

    kjade New Member

    My mind just hasn't been functioning at optimum level lately, I swear.

    Sisland: You are always so sweet to me...I'm sorry you have been through all you have with this dd...but look at how kind and sweet you are! Your daughters are so lucky to call you "mom"! I do have 6 weeks off for vacation, but I try not to use those as that time is so precious to me. I use it mostly in the summer and around holidays for 'family time' - plus I need those days when kids are sick of course. Sometimes, I just want to take a "ME" day, but feel too selfish to do that! Thank you for your thoughts and prayers!

    Janalynn: One thing I have to give you is you are so positive!! That is a great quality to have...in SPITE OF having these dd's we all suffer with. Everything you have said makes perfect sense. I feel as though I have been on such a rocky, rough journey for most of my life....I am the type of person who is always looking for answers - always trying to better myself somehow. One thing I have NEVER done is - completely give up. I know deep down in my heart and soul that I was meant for greatness (that is not trying to sound conceited or anything) but I just know that all the pain I have endured WILL pay off someday - whether it be when I turn 40 or 85! But it WILL happen for me. Sometimes I think I have been shown the things I have seen for many, many reasons....I just wish I could finally see the big picture. I guess the time hasn't come yet for that. Thank you so much - you are always such a sweetheart to me, and I appreciate everything you have said to me. Please keep that happy smile plastered on your face - you have so much to offer!! Don't forget it!

    Rafiki: Once again, my wise counselor, you made me realize something.....See I wrote this post while I was very aggravated at work - I am so tired of the BS that goes on there. What I meant by my previous comment about sacrificing my integrity is....those who have climbed their way up (most of them) have done so by having affairs, lying, stealing, or getting a free pass cause they know someone. I have HAD to work for everything I have ever earned....my only hope is it will someday FINALLY pay off - I just get so frustrated waiting to get there. But you made me realize something, and yes your post DID make complete sense to me. I have been learning a LOT about myself recently...with the help of my friends at this board. And I have been changing - I am noticing this lately - things I may have never done or said before, I am doing now. I am learning to stand up for myself and fight for ME for a change. And no, it is not comfortable. But I have also learned that being in that "comfortable" place has really gotten me nowhere....just more of the same crap. I guess there is no need to rush any changes at this point....the time will come where I will have enough knowledge and (finally) the guts to make my dreams a reality. I just still wonder why some things are so much easier for other people - why my path in life has had so many obstacles and troubles....but perhaps it is time to stop questioning, and start moving forward. Thank you so much.

    Candy: You are so sweet to me and you are very FUNNY!! Your post had me laughing very hard! You are quite the commedienne!! Why don't you use that sense of humor of yours a little more? You said you were trying for laughs but thought you weren't doing so well? Well, IMO you made me laugh - so you were doing something right! Anyway, thank you for such kind words. Like I said, I might seem like I "have it all" - but what people don't see is the pain I carry with me - all the time - it is like a thorn in my side. To be so blessed and feel so lousy - then the guilt I feel for FEELING so bad - it just makes things so much worse. Hey, I'm glad I met you here - we can continue to help eachother - we are all so different, but share a common problem - we suffer with dd's that others' cannot see. But WE ALL KNOW how much we suffer, so we can only help eachother. I wish we could all get together and have one big party! Complete with hugs and heating pads!

    Molly: I agree - one month of SOLID SLEEP might just get me back on track! My doesn't that sound nice! I tell people all the time that humans were not meant to keep working through the winter months, 5-6 days a week! We should take a lesson from the bears who hibernate for months at a time! They have the right idea!! Yes, I do want to write or touch people somehow...when I figure out "how" then I will be on my way, I guess. The psychic who told me I would write a book told me I needed to come up with the TITLE first, then it would all flow from there. I have yet to think of the "perfect" title, so I guess I am a work in progress! Thank you Molly for your reply.

    Elaine: You are right.....I HAVE been changing. I really have. Are you able to tell that from reading what nonsense I write? Truly, I have noticed there are some things about myself that have changed for the BETTER over the past year. I have spent most of my adult life feeling like a wounded animal and like a loser - with no purpose other than to serve everyone else around me. The problem with that philosphy is I forgot about ME! I told myself long ago that I DIDN'T MATTER...that I was put here to please everyone around me.....I have started to realize lately that is simply not true. See....I have sat quiet and shy in the corner for so many years, that I am not yet comfortable changing my thought patterns. Speaking up has never been a strong suit for me - I have always just tried to "go with the flow" - know what I mean here? I think being who I was MEANT to be is so hard, because I have had to take a long hard look at what I'm doing now, and it hasn't been working....you all here have started to make me realize there is much more potential in me than I ever would have thought. See...you all have no hidden agendas with me - you are just reaching out as my friends. I hope you all know I will continue to try to do the same for all of you. Elaine, I was going to ask about the "dumpster" and whether or not you "dropped off your bricks"? If you really have, wasn't that a very liberating experience? I am so very proud of you.

    Thanks again everyone. Without you all I would still be talking to myself, because up until now, I was really the only one who ever listened to myself! LOL!! DH only pays attention partially - you all truly UNDERSTAND me and what I am saying, and I am so greatful for you all!