Feeling Low and Need a Kind Word......

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by catgal, Apr 12, 2003.

  1. catgal

    catgal New Member

    Hello Everyone~~It's a bad day for me. I feel as gloomy and dreary as the day looks outside. Usually, I can bring myself up when I get this way, but today I have no inner resources. I am so worn out, exhausted, and weary from being sick with one thing after another.

    Since January, I have had a continual battle with pneumonia, bronchitis, plursy, and constant flu-like symptoms. I was born with severe asthma/allergies and fall into that rare category of "life-threatening" asthma--so respiratory infections constantly drag me down and set off FM/CFS flares. I also have advanced degenerative disc disease (ddd) with multiple back problems, and my back is killing me today--not even the oxy, percocet, or soma seem to be helping. I also have osteoarthritis, psoriatic arthritis, and rheumatoid arthritis which all seems to be in a flare today, and instead of being 53--I feel like I'm 153. The cluster of nerve damage and rheumatoid arthritis in my neck & shoulder area is very painful and feels like it's pinching the hell outta me, and that area is so swollen, red, and inflamed that I cannot move my head up or down or side to side. I ache all over from everything with several parts of my body swollen and inflamed. Not even the bextra (anti-inflammatory) appears to be working today.

    Spring has sprung in the Rocky Mountains, and my allergies have filled my head, nose, and sinuses with so much congestion that I feel like I am in a deep well, the fluid is backed-up in my ears, and my whole facial area feels like it has 50lbs of pressure on it. And the Zyrtec-D doesn't seem to be helping either.

    Nothing seems to be working today, and it has all finally gotten me down. I work three days a week, and since Janurary have fallen seriously behind in paperwork that has to be caught up by Monday. I brought it home with me to do over the weekend--but am just too sick and energyless to do it. The stack of bills have got to get paid this weekend (as far the money will go), and my home looks like someone threw a bomb in it. Yet all I can do is lay in bed.

    I just feel AWFUL today and am emotionally, physically, psychologically, and spiritually bankrupt. I have been sick with so many things, one after the other, since January that I don't know what to do anymore. I'm overwhelmed with all these ailments plus trying to work, maintain my home, and keep up with life's responsiblities and obligations. And I've got so many things that truly need to be done this weekend. In addition, I've been vomiting off & on for 5 days. My doctor says I need to go into the hospital and have alot of tests run, but I don't have insurance and can't afford it. Plus, if I don't work--I don't get paid.

    It feels like the roof is falling in on me today, and all I can do is lay in bed with the heating pad & cold packs, take my meds--none of which seem to be helping today--and just lay there and feel miserable, and be stressed out over all the things that definitely needed to be done this weekend--for these are things that can't be put off.

    I've got so much congestion in my chest that you can hear it gurgle and rumble when I breathe, and I go into these coughing fits that send shooting pains up & down my back and leave me weak. My whole head is so full of congestion that my vision is blurry, and the pressure makes me feel as though my head were going to explode. I've been running a low-grade fever and get chilled to the bone--then get hot, sweaty, and clammy. Can't get comfortable.

    I'm so fed up and run down from constantly being sick with one thing after another--and the toll it has all taken hit me like a brick wall in the wee-hours of the morning today. I don't feel like I have anything in me to get back up with or keep going. I have used up all my reserves the past 4 months and just went bankrupt today. And I'm so frustrated at spending every weekend bedridden from the time I get off work to the time I have to go back to work--just laying there nursing pneumonia, bronchitis, plursy, arthritis, FM/CFS, my back, asthma/allergies, nerve damage, or some other illness--as though they were all lined up taking their turn. I lay there while the world is passing me by, and everything about my life is coming apart at the seams.

    I don't know what to do anymore....I've run out of ME. I'm sorry this is just a long, whinning post that has nothing to offer, but I needed to get it out. I would appreciate any suggestions, tips, or encouragment. The accumulation of the past four months of being so sick all the time and so ill today just hit me full force, and I feel so bankrupt in every which way that I would have to come up to reach bottom. I feel so empty that I have no tears for a good cry. I'm broke down and feel sad, sick, and miserable.

    "Thank You" for reading this mess of blues and pity party. I hope everyone is having a better day and enjoying the fresh scents of Spring. Take care, and have a Good Weekend! Blessings to you all, Carol....
  2. layinglow

    layinglow New Member

    Hi Sweetie---I am so sorry you have been going through this so long---and today have hit rock bottom it seems.
    Perhaps it has gotten to a point when you need to do something very aggressive about it.
    Medicaid has a program for those who don't qualify for Regular Medicaid. It is called the Spend-Down program.
    I am uninsured also.

    It sounds like you could use a hospital stay to get you back on your feet. You could also have the tests run in a day or two, at the hospital, when you are feeling better, that your doc wants you to have.

    All you have to do is go check in to the hospital.....
    telling them at admit that you will be applying for Medicaid Spend-down for this stay. Hospitals usually have their own Medicaid advocates that they will send to your room when you are feeling better. If not you contact your Medicaid office after you are released. I had them mail me the paperwork, saying I was homebound, and even had my interview done on the telephone, and was accepted.

    The way this works is based upon a sliding scale of your income. You have a "spend down amount" you are responsible for each month (they cover 3 months) and they pick up the rest of the bills. You do not have to come up with any up front costs. Your bills you are responsible for---would be very little as you are only working three days a week.
    You then make arrangement with the creditors to make small payments on your balance, and Medicaid Spend-down picks up the bulk of the Bills.

    I had over $30,000. in bills after two hospital admits, MRIs, Cats, Ultra Sounds, etc. I ended up with a balance myself to pay of $5,000. Medicaid picked up $25,000. I make small 10-30 dollar payments on my balance each month.

    Sounds like some intensive in hospital treatment, might be the thing for you now---this pneumonia has been hanging on for so long, that some IV therapy might tip the scales in your favor.

    This is just a suggestion---and if you need anymore info, I would be happy to supply it. Call your Doc and have them do the admit, so you don't have to sit in the ER.

    I hope you are feeling better soon, Carol---I am so sorry.
    Hugs,
    LL


    [This Message was Edited on 04/12/2003]
    [This Message was Edited on 04/12/2003]
  3. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    Spring is often a difficult time for us. I'm not sure why. Take good care of yourself and know that things will improve.

    Love, Mikie
  4. KristinaInCali

    KristinaInCali New Member

    First of all, I am sending a huge hug your way. I wish I could say I don't know how you feel, but sadly I do. Seeing someone else articulate how I feel day in and day out has quite an affect. I just keep crying over everything because I'm so emotionally drained from dealing with the several diseases I have going on in my 37 year old body. I can't believe you are still working in your condition. I know you are probably between that rock and the hard place on filing for disability while still trying to pay the bills. I wish there was something I could do. You need to put yourself first, that's all I can say. I hope tomorrow will bring renewed strength to you to fight these battles. E-mail me anytime you need to vent.

    Kristina
  5. redrosebud

    redrosebud New Member

    Carol,
    Please if you beleive in a higher power, put this in God's hands now! I was in such a rut for a while there and kept feeling like I couldn't go on. I beleive we all have so many aches and pains that are unbearable at times but, we do not have to go though this alone. I was so fed up and sick and tired of being sick and tired that I prayed to GOD to please give me the strength to feel better one day at a time. I cried
    and went to bed that night but for the first time in two weeks woke up at 7:30am and took a shower and started doing things around the house. I won't tell you I do not have any pain anymore that would be a lie. But, I took my little dog outside for a walk (maybe 5-7 min at a time) about 3 times that day. I washed some dishes, folded some clothes, read some e-mails, packed some pictures with my husband as we are moving and I was aching real bad last night but I felt good and I thanked GOD for the strength to do those things. Today
    I woke up too early (5:44am) and started getting ready such as showering and I curled my hair and did some things around the house as we were going to have company. I did go to my accupucharists??? and I feel alittle better. But, I must say
    I'm glad for these last two days, my body aches but my spirit
    is better.
    I will pray also for you because even if your body is too weak to move right now, relax and try and think of something sweet and beautiful until you can get some of these heavy burdens off your chest. As you can see we are here for you and praying for you all the way. GOD Bless You, Sweetie
    redrosebud
  6. IntuneJune

    IntuneJune New Member

    ....I've run out of ME! Dear one, that does say it all. Now it is time to get help. Maybe right now you do need more than YOU to help...from your post you sound very independent--a good thing, but right now find ----and accept help. In Emergency Rooms of hospitals across America, there is a framed declaration, no patient will be turned away in need of treatment due to inability to pay. Being as responsible as you are, this must bother you, but please, let-it-go, get the help you deserve. Fondly, June Will be praying for you.
  7. pinkquartz

    pinkquartz New Member

    i am going to keep this fairly short but wanted to say something to you before and thought no you won't want to hear it so i will not say it and now i am thinking maybe its ok to say this because i wish you well, you sound like such a loving strong person but like me you don't like to give in and really admit you are sick and need to stop doing and start taking care of yourself.

    you remind me of myself before i was disabled by this illness. i just would not stop.
    you have said before that you have gone out from your sick bed to help people who need help and you want to be that person that is always there to help others.

    i understand that, but you know you are not looking after YOU and thats why there's no ME left !
    Thats what i did and i want you to accept you are ill so that you take care of YOU !
    I can't comment on the financial side, to me in england the U.S. way seems very complicated and i don't understand it.
    But you sound like such a good strong person and i totally know how frustrating it is to be sick all the time, but get the help for your body PLEASE.
    This is a post i could write to myself, do you know what i mean ?
    take care,
    i also send you a big hug even though you don't know me.
    pinkquartz
  8. kerrymygirl

    kerrymygirl New Member

    Carol, you need to take that 1st step and get where you can get the proper treatment. That 1st step is the hardest. I am going through a very physical and emotional time plus have had some unusual physical things going on,more than the norm,for us. I too have denied going to hosp. due to $$$ and just so bankrupt from fighting for so long to hit only another wall. Do as we say and not as I do sort of thing you need serious medical help. Please get it, take that step, PLEASE. My friend has been telling me the same thing and I know I will have to eventially give in. So keep us in touch and I send you what little strength I can with Big Hugssss
  9. kadywill

    kadywill New Member

    I understand.
    You are so sweet and such an inspiration to so many. I love reading your posts and I know that you are suffering right now. I am praying that, amidst this storm, the blue sky will return soon and you will feel more like yourself. Tackle the money issues and health issues one-at-a-time and know that that's all you can do. First of all, you MUST seek medical treatment. This pneumonia, itself, is a life-threatening problem that must be addressed. There ARE ways to have your treatment paid for and you can tackle this after you're feeling better. A patient has a bill of rights and a patient has the right to medical treatment whether they can afford to pay or not. It is the law. I have a hard time accepting help, as well, so I think I know how you're feeling, but everything will be easier to work on once you're not so sick.
    I know that it is hard to feel at all optimistic when you're sick all the time. It took getting back on steroids full-time to give me the energy and pain relief to pretend I'm normal and it's hard not to think of is how damaging this drug is to my body. It looks as if it'll be a lifetime change for me and I hate that, but it sure is helping in many ways. I have become so swollen and red-faced that no one knows who I am. I am moodier than usual. I am so hungry. There is no definition in my legs and even my normally-bony knees are all puffed out of proportion. My labwork is all out-of-whack due to this drug. Nothing is the same, but my lungs are clear now, I am not covered in giant hives, I am not itching or wheezing or clawing my skin bloody. I can stand up straight when I get out of bed. I can type and write without severe hand pain. There ARE treatments and answers for us, honey.....you just have to take that first, crucial step....and only YOU can do that. For me, the steroids are a necessity; they MAY be for you, too, with the problems you have. It was a last resort for me, but I thank God for the steroids right now and I can enjoy some semblance of normalcy for the first time in years. Ask your doctor what you can do to prevent these same problems from happening day to day and year to year. You and I are not old enough to feel so desperately ill.....there are options for us.
    I know it's hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel, but it's there, Carol....be as patient as you can be and wait it out; BUT, seek medical treatment first and foremost. Always ask for samples of your meds and there ARE ways to get your meds paid for. Ask questions. And, there are ways to keep the creditors at bay while making an attempt to get your credit straightened out.
    I'll be here for you and you can e-mail me anytime you'd like. Let me know if you are interested and I'll give you my e-mail address. Lean on your friends here when you feel this way and know that there WILL be brighter days. This life is so short and it is too short to be spent sick all the time......I refuse to let it be all I think about.
    I will pray for all of us, as usual. Keep in touch.
    Love,
    kady
    [This Message was Edited on 04/13/2003]
  10. marta

    marta New Member

    I don't really know you, Carol - and of course you don't know me - but I do know that "I don't know me anymore" feeling. You're overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time.

    There has been some excellent advice from those here who know you better than I do. Just know that we do understand and that there IS a you there; you just need to find her.

    I have some affirmations that help me. One is: "Everything I need to know is revealed to me. Everything I need comes to me." I say it over and over and over until I really hear it and believe it. From that I can find peace of mind.

    Marta
  11. I sure hope you feel better soon. I think we can all relate to your situation at one time or another. I have had one thing after another too, I was just thinking why can't I ever feel human again. I feel good once in a great while and then I pay for days, wks for one decent day. God bless you , I hope you have brighter , healthier days soon!!
    Fibrobutterfly
  12. catgal

    catgal New Member

    I read all your responses with gratitude and appreciation. It always amazes me that on this Board people from all over the globe can reach out with such kindness and caring to someone they've never met...yet know more intimately in many ways than than those we see face-to-face in our every day lives.

    Your responses meant alot to me, and I have printed them off so I could read and re-read them from bed. I have rested and taken care of myself this weekend despite all the work that had to be done. I'm not sure how I'm going to explain this to my boss as after a while of saying, "Sorry, I was sick" gets old and is no longer an excuse to an employer. So, I do worry about losing my job.

    "Thank You All" for writing such encouraging and supportive responses. It has made all the difference, and I truly appreciate it.

    May God watch over each and every one of you and Bless You with Good Days in this coming week. Best Wishes to All, Carol...
  13. KayL

    KayL New Member

    ......give you.........some
    {{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}

    Karen
  14. Solstice

    Solstice New Member

    I hope things are starting to look up for you.

    Sending you positive healing energy.

    Solstice