Feeling really terrible, Husband and I may separate...

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by BEARANDBUGSMOM, Mar 19, 2007.

  1. BEARANDBUGSMOM

    BEARANDBUGSMOM New Member

    I just am in a complete cloud today, I can't think straight. My hubby and I haven't been getting along for quite some time now. I am a stay at home mom with Fibro and CFS and he seems to have little sympathy, he thinks I'm just lazy. I am supposed to do all the house work, he doesn't help at all.

    When dinner is finished he kisses me on the forehead and says that was good and goes to his computer or in the bedroom to watch tv. We have 2 small children and he doesn't do anythig with them. I have been getting more and more aggravated with him with every day that goes by because of this.

    Why don't they understand if they would just help out around the house and occasionally take the kids somewhere that maybe we wouln't be so stressed out and might be a little more relaxed and feel like having sex. I gave that up a long time ago, and that seems to be his biggest gripe the house is a mess and there is no attention paid to him in the bedroom.

    I don't even really talk to him anymore, I am so frustrated and mad at him. We can't seem to talk about our problems nothing ever gets solved, I just don't understand a man that wanted children for years and was unable to have any until we got together and he just acts like they are an annoyance, he says he's tired because he works hard all day out in the Florida heat but it doesn't matter you still have to spend time with your children!!

    I asked if he would go to counseling a few months ago and he said no, he was not going to tell a stranger his business....oh well.

    He finally said yesterday that he was going to take care of the problem, that I act like I don't want him here and I told him that he acts like he doesn't want to be here anymore and he moved to our sons room last night, and wouldn't really talk to me. And checking the computer history today I see that he was looking at apartments...thats a first.


    I have been on this board for a little over a year and I really enjoy talking to all of you. I just needed to vent I am trying to take care of my son and daughter today and I feel like I just want to crawl in bed and put the covers ove my head and cry...I am so worried about what's going to happen, and hoping that this isn't going to be a terrible battle.

    Thanks for listening and sorry this was so long, I really needed to vent!
    Blessings,
    Kelly
  2. sturg1

    sturg1 New Member

    Kelly, I'm sorry you are going through "this" right now. The last thing you need with this illness is to have to deal with a home life that is stressful, to say the least.

    Please take care of yourself as much as you can. Hug those kids of yours.

    Come here to vent anytime.

    Sending prayers and hugs to you,
    Sturg
  3. dononagin

    dononagin New Member

    I'm so sorry... Keep your dignity in check and hang on for the ride. This could get tough. We are here for you.
    Love and prayers,
    Dona
  4. HRgirl

    HRgirl New Member

    My husband and I have been on the rocks since we got married 8 years ago. We have a 24 month old. Our house is a total wreck and I work full time in HR and I am a Mom. I keep telling him that if I could just get the house done it would ease a lot of my home stress, but when I clean something it just gets messy again. We totally lead seperate lives. I put him through college and he almost did not graduate. When I got pregnant he said "Well, I guess there goes MY time". If I wasn't so embarrassed about the house I would ask friends to come over one weekend just to get it done. We do go to counseling occassionally but we are more like roommates then married couple. The only thing we have in common is our child.

    It is hard for women to be everything and I think some men (not all) are still stuck in the mentality that we must do everything like stay at home mom's did when we were young.

    To me, if we are both working then the housework and child work gets split 50 50. If one feels worse than the other then the other takes up the slack. It is also ok to not do everything. That is what a marriage is about.

    I swear my CFS/FMS flares are increased by this situation. And who knows what kind of mold is flying around from not cleaning consistantly. Sometimes I just want to take everything out and set it on fire and start over. LOL

    I would suggest counseling. seriously. Give him a little love once in a while even if you feel he doesn't deserve it or if you don't feel good. Our sex life is near zero as well but I do try to make him feel loved.

    I have even thought about buying a big wipe board that I can set up daily chores for both. I have ADD as well so organization is not my best trait, but to live in a mess and chaos just adds to the stress and the illness.

    I will be praying for you.
  5. Shalala

    Shalala New Member

    (((((((((((( hugs ))))))))))))
  6. BEARANDBUGSMOM

    BEARANDBUGSMOM New Member

    sturg1- thanks for letting me vent and thx for the prayers!

    dononagin-thanks so much for your love and prayers also...

    HRgirl- We have been married for only 5 years next month. I feel the same like we are roomates. Isn't that the way men think..."there goes my time" they just don't realize how much time kids take and if you work together you can still have your own time too!!

    My hubby still mamages to go golfing and fishing, when it comes to going anywhere with us he says that he has to stay home and clean the house or do laundry, which he doesn't do while we are gone. I already feel like a single mom, my son loves to play with other dad's in the play areas or at the playground it just makes me cry. His excuse is always the house is a mess and I don't give any attention in the bedroom.

    And he has already stated that he will not go to counseling... I have ADD as well and can't seem to get anything organized, I have the laundry couch and if I put something up I can't find it, it takes me at least 5 trys to leave the house I have to come back in repeadedly for something I forgot...needless to say are financial state is in dissaray because he's terrible with the bills and so am I! But that's just another thing that's my fault when we are in the hole....

    Yada, Yada, Yada

    Thank's again for all the prayers and blessings, I really appreciate everones love and time!! Lord knows I need it!
    Kelly
  7. HRgirl

    HRgirl New Member

    How about I take an extended weekend off and come see you to get your house in order - send the husband out with the kids and then you can come to mine and help me... :))

    ADD sucks. I take Ritalin for it which helps with my CFS fatigue; however, it can end up hurting our sensative brains. If you want my email I can send it to you. It is a company email so if you give me yours I can send you mine.

    Kelley
  8. BEARANDBUGSMOM

    BEARANDBUGSMOM New Member

    My mom tells me the same thing! It's seems to always be the woman that has to suck it up, fake it or whatever to male things work. I am looking at Psychs today to make an appointment for me, maybe I can get some tips on fixing things. I just have so much anger now myself that it's hard to put it aside.

    He is not abusive physically but he is soo hard on my son, always fussing at him that he is afraid to stay home with him by himself, he wants my mother or me to stay we both can't go without him. He treats our four year old son as if he should be 7 and I always hear calm down, listen and stop doing, blah blah...so I let him get away with a little more feeling like I am making up for what he doesn't get from his father and that's not good either...

    Our 3 year old daughter is the fair haired angel that he never fusses at.

    I guess I will try to talk to him when he comes home this evening and see if we can try to work some things out, I hate to even bring up because it's always a fight and struggle and I hate fussing and fighting, I avoid it as much as possible. Which is my fault also....


    Thanks and blessings,
    Kelly
  9. BEARANDBUGSMOM

    BEARANDBUGSMOM New Member

    I think that sounds like a great idea, too bad we don't live closer!! The 2 of us together would make one really good housewife!! Ha, HA!!


    I never tried Ritalin but I did try Adderall and that had a quick let down I was full of fire for about a month and then nothing, i tried to keep it going even though it didn't give me energy but I didn't see that it helped my organizing skills or anything else and it was expensive so I quit.

    I am going to call today for a Psych and see if I can't get some better meds and some ideas for helping our relationship..lord knows I am no expert, I don't mind getting help, my hubby doesn't even believe in medication, he's one of those that thinks it's all in your head..!!

    I guess we have to go to chat room to exchange emails...

    Blessings,
    Kelly
  10. minkanyrose

    minkanyrose New Member

    just a suggestion but it worked for me my kids hatted the words lets clean up so I made a game out of it. I would say ok lets see if you can beat me we will each grab something and put it where it belongs and who ever gets back first wins. natureally I let them win then I would say I want a nother chance to beat you lets do it again. I always made a big deal out of them beating me.

    They would then come to me and say mommy I bet I can put this away before you can. it was no longer a chore but a game. maybe that will help you.

    Good lick with your situation.

    Have a great day Brenda
  11. suzette1954

    suzette1954 New Member

    Im sooo sorry this is happening to you. Try to hang in there.

    Suzette
  12. JessB

    JessB New Member

    Kelly I feel for you. My husband and I have gone through this same thing recently. I too am a stay at home mom, husband eats supper and goes to computer. All I can say is talk, talk, talk. Whether he wants to listen or not, whether he wants to talk or not. I know that it seems like the talking gets no where, it took us three or four 2-hour sessions, at home, just the two of us before we started to get through the anger and resentment. The next few talks we found out that we were not really that angry, he was scared and did not know how to help me and did not want to screw up with the children, also the kids and I have some routines and he felt left out. I found out that I was not being that honest about my real pain and not being specific enough about what I needed him to do. Just goes to show you never know what is really going on.
    I know when there is stress in my marriage that it makes my FM worse, but it is also a great weight off my shoulders once I have told him how I feel.
    All I can say is that you guys did not get this way over night, so there's no quick fix either. Just keep trying for you, him and the kids. I wish you the best and hope things get better.

    Keep hope.
  13. tandy

    tandy New Member

    whatever happens~

    I really think there are many of us with our illnesses who have relation troubles. Many won't admit it.

    I have alot of difficulty keeping this/my relationship together. Its hard for men to understand what we're dealing with, with FM/CF.

    I hope you two can work things out~
    (I'm kinda in the same boat) its worrisome,
    and does'nt help when theres kids involved.

    Hang in there
    Hugs
    Tandy
  14. bettydroop

    bettydroop New Member

    I am so sorry about that.

    I have been going thru the same type of thing for quite awhile now and was thinking about writing about it but havent, but since you did... I can tell you that I know what you are going thru. I dont know if I will stay married, all I know is dealing with today- but I am prepared- I can say that.

    He is so cold to me sometimes and I know it is even harder than it seems when yo uwrite about it. It just plain sucks!

    To top it all off I found out that he has been having a love affair online- I thought he would NEVER in a TRILLON years betray my trust and just plain and simple be such a liar- but he is. I just I thought more of him than I should have I guess. I really respected him and now I dont-when it comes to certain things. Its really hard to look that person in the face and think about how things USED to be. I guess I think that he must not think much of me if he can talk and share and love someone OVER THE STUPID INTERNET of all things GRRRR.

    Anyway I wont go on anymore- I want you to know that you are NOT ALONE, take things day by day - youll be ok!

    Ps Hes going to have to realizzzzze, that women just cant push thigs aside and just have sex and not care whos mad at who and all that BS. Most of the time men can. Dont feel guilty or anything in case you do.

    Karen ~~ Betty droop


    [This Message was Edited on 03/20/2007]
  15. ForeverFly

    ForeverFly New Member

    Well, my husband left me the month after I was diagnosed. I was terribly heart broken. In a short time, however, I realized there were lots of men that found me attractive (which felt great to hear again),smart, funny, and, to my amazement, STRONG?! As much as I loved my husband, the dynamics of my marriage were worsening my illness. I felt like a worthless burden to him & soon others (his words resonate in my head & I still mentally fight them). Look, I know this is hard to accept, but THE DIVORCE RATE OF FMS IS HIGHER THAN THE NATIONAL AVERAGE. Husbands can get very angry about the illness and if they do not seek therapy can end up demomoralizing us as a result of misdirected anger. Just know - there are men who will love you & believe in you. No matter who you are, or what fate brought you, you deserve to be treated as lovely as you are! Living with my ex was killing me slowly-I have improved dramatically since the stress of being told I was a nothing when I already felt like one is gone. I am out of bed rest and flying out of town in the morning to actually help my Grandmother instead of everyone helping me.
    Also, my current boyfriend is patient, gentle, and tender when he touches me not only during intimacy but while affectionately caressing my back, legs, etc. He is always telling me how beautiful and capable I am. He sees the real me, not the FMS like our husbands often do after years of searching for a diagnosis. I feel like a real woman again-not just a person trying to make up for being sick all the time. Last night, My Sweetheart actually asked, "What can I do to help you feel better?" I said make sure I eat & cook healthy for me (of course-we love a man in the kitchen). I NEVER heard that while I was married!
    Our relationship is built on mutual respect. Therefore the whole experience makes me feel comfortable, desireable and like my real self...being with a real man is psychologically more fulfilling and therefore physically better as well. My husband used to belittle me, making me feel both worthless and unattractive-if this is your case-seek counseling ASAP! Eventually my ex became not only mentally, but physically abusive, even with counseling. Deep down, you know who you are and the light you hold in your heart. If he cannot handle FMS, how would he handle cancer? Some men are wimps-point blank.
    Most importantly, you are someone special and if he cannot see that, F___ him. Don't think that this is the "best you can do." Good luck, Good Love. ForeverFly
  16. monkeykat

    monkeykat Member

    Hi Kelly,
    My heart really goes out to you today.

    I can't write much as I've been bedridden most of the last 10 days.

    I will pray for you today that you find direction, help and hope in the midst of a really difficult situation. I can't imagine what you are feeling.

    Take care, Monkeykat
  17. app5775

    app5775 New Member

    Goodness here I thought I was only of the very few that has a rocky marriage and thats putting it mildly. I have had CFS for 20 years, some good years some bad years of flares and was diagnosed two years ago as well with Fibro. Of course my husband rarely gets sick so theres very little or should I say "no" empathy whatsoever for my struggles. Yes that stress is definately not good for any of us dealing with all these illness issues and it seems nonstop. He just left for Florida and came back alone and met up with friends there. Nothing was said to me about going because "I have doctors bills and horses" which means no money for me otherwise. My friends, horses and my grandaughter are what keep me going. So my advice to you is find something to do with your kids thats not too hard on you to do whether it be a walk/sit in a park or a now and then movie, a pet to share, whatever. Something you can have fun with and is what you can turn to whenever things are very down. We all need some kind of quiet or physical (if possible) "get away" to deal with our troubles. Keeping my mind on something other than this health plight of ours is whats kept me from going bananas. For me its spending time with my grandaughter or friends. Also my horses. I like to try to show them but the money isn't there for me this year so far because I've not felt well enough for my "own part time" job but I still get a mini vacation everytime I go to the barn. It also give me forced exercise but therapeutic. Enough about me just thoughts and ideas that have helped. If we all pray for one another that in itself is very consoling so lets all do that as well. take care all!
  18. pika

    pika New Member

    kelly,

    praying for you, sweetie. i see in a few of your posts that you state " (it's) my fault". it is not your "fault" you have an illness which makes some things difficult (if not impossible). so don't let anyone TELL you that, or make you feel that way.

    my hubby didn't "get it" for quite some time...the FM stuff. he had thyroid cancer (doing well now, thanks!) and can't remember or focus. when he first got sick, i was having remission and able to take over a lot of his remembering tasks. when my symptoms flared again, i could NOT get through to him how i couldn't handle my own stuff, let alone his, too. we had some arguments, but i've learned to talk it out with him -- just NOT when i'm really tired, or especially when i'm angry.

    i guess i'm lucky, because he agreed to go with me when i got an appointment with the rheumatologist. but believe me, it took patient re-explaining for a couple of years to get through. and, when he's preoccupied, he does still forget at times. but he's coming around.

    wishing you the best, whatever happens in this. but please, don't say or think this illness or its results are your fault. just not true!

    (((hugs)))
  19. tandy

    tandy New Member

    :)

    One major tough spot is the fact that my guy does'nt think FM is real. I mean,..he knows I'm in alot of pain but thinks "are'nt we all??? its called aging.

    Yea. Live with that one and try to keep a smile on yer face.

    I'll never ever forget the one time when I had just gotten in from grocery shopping. He wanted to go out somewhere,...... and I said I did'nt feel good at all,so I said I did'nt want to go.
    He flat out told me that I could'nt be sick because I just got back from the store!!!
    He said "when I'm sick,...I lay down,..not going running around town."
    well,....imagine US laying down everytime we did'nt feel good.???? I'd never get out of bed!!!!!
    I'd never get anything done if I did'nt push myself.!!

    its so frustrating sometimes!! uuuggghhhhh :(
  20. jole

    jole Member

    Hon, I feel so bad for you and all the other young ones with children. It's so hard taking care of little ones when you feel bad, let alone day after day bad, and feel like you get no help at all. BUT there are always two sides to every coin.

    Your husband has a lot on his shoulders, trying to make a living for his family by himself in a two-income world, and his job is not an easy one. I can understand him coming home exhausted and needing some time to himself.

    The two of you really do need to talk this out. Tell him if you were physically able that you would love to help him out, and that you appreciate his hard work and effort. Explain it clearly and in a way that he can understand that you REALLY would like to be out of the house around other people, bringing in a paycheck, and feeling good; that you do not like your life of feeling tired, hurting, etc. and not able to clean house or have a fun life with your own children.

    The reason I stress this so strongly is because my daughter was also in this situation, and got out of her marriage because of other reasons (infidelity on his part). She has a daughter and is now working full time and raising her daughter. Believe me, that is no picnic. She honestly thought it would not be any different than it was with him because he was never home anyway, but it is really just trading one kind of stress for another.

    She no longer has the stress of being "stupid" or "lazy", but has to work long hours to put food on the table, and the evenings are no fun in a home alone knowing no one will walk through the door, and that you have total responsibility of your child's/childrens lives. She said if she had it to do over again, she would do the same, but she certainly did not think it would be so hard or so lonely. She is a wonderful mother, but a very tired one with no energy for a social life.

    Just saying please think it through, talk it through, pray often, and make a decision that is not hastily thought out. I wish you the very best in whatever you decide. And no, life is not easy!! Little steps!!