Feeling sorry for myself--1st time since Dx

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by theimpossibleflute, Jan 15, 2003.

  1. theimpossibleflute

    theimpossibleflute New Member

    I guess I probably just need to vent..no one around me to do it to.

    I've been finding it exceedingly difficult to find compassion for people that are only temporarily sick. My mom is getting over a kidney infection; now I know that must be painful, but I swear she's milking it for all it's worth. And I just can't hang around feeling sorry for her and waiting on her hand and foot--she never does it for me. Of course, I've grown up in a household of guilt and don't know if I'm feeling guilty about my feelings because of that or if I really should be feeling guilty for not sympathizing with my own mother. But then my younger sister said that when she had the stomach flu, mom told her to stay in her room and only come downstairs when she feels better. That's totally not how things used to be in my home. Mom used to sit with us in the bathroom. So mom can't help my 15 year old sister, but we have to hold the pan for mom in the living room because she doesn't feel like going into the bathroom? HELLO??!?!

    And when mono was going around my dorm last semester (I didn't get it, thank God), all they did was sit around and complain about how tired they were and how much they didn't want to get out of bed. They used it weeks later as an excuse to skip class when everyone knew they were better. But if I said anything about how I feel, I just get noses turned up at me because I don't look sick and I don't skip classes and I don't usually complain. I hate it so much.

    I try not to feel sorry for myself; I try not to complain. But life is just dumping on me right now faster than I can dig myself back out. I've been getting symptoms I've never had before; my doctor has no suggestions for me except going back on anti-inflammatories that don't work for me. My fiancee left me because he thought I was making the disease up and I wouldn't give him what he had begun watching in porns. And now I have to go back to school next Monday for another semester with no support and new symptoms. (But I've fortunately been able to maintain my 3.94). I'm tired of this life!!! I just had my 20th birthday a few weeks ago and this is so not how I thought my life would be. I wanted to go to med school, but I know now that that's totally out of the question. Now I have no idea what I want to do with my life.

    I don't tell my parents what I really go through; if I did, they'd just hover and keep asking me if I've taken my meds. The only person that truly knows is God and maybe my little sister. I only have a few really close friends, but only see them at school when we're all busy with classes and they all have boyfriends to talk to. They don't want to sit and listen to me. I love them dearly and they've been very understanding, but I don't want to start taking advantage of them; I don't know how much I can talk to them until they start getting tired of listening, too.

    I feel terrible for how I've been treating my mom, but if I apologize, she'll say everything's fine and I'll feel guilty again for being angry. I guess maybe I get angry because her condition is only temporary and she has meds that will take it away. And if I say something to her, she starts acting better and in a good mood, which just makes me feel even guiltier for being angry in the first place. I just don't know what to do anymore.

    Just so confused and feeling so very, very alone.

    thanks for listening...hope I don't have to do this to you often!!

    God Bless,
  2. griswoldgirl

    griswoldgirl New Member

    I grew up in Miami, Fla .
    I am sorry you are so young and having to deal with this. i am 43 and have had fms for 8 years diagniosed and cfs for 10--but have felt like heck since I was your age. My daughter just turned 14 and she has been diagnosed with fibro as well.

    She does well though, part of it with her was depression, she is now on antidepressants and takes trazadone to help her get her sleep and she is much improved-last doc visit only 2 of 18 tender points hurt-so for all intents and purposeses she is in remission.

    I am sorry you lost your fiance' over this. it is hard on a realationship-I know married for 15 years this March and we have had a tough time of it for about 3 years or so due to my illness and my escapades through various surgeries of the orthopedic nature.

    As far as abandaniong your medical school plans that is up to you--but let me tell you I went back to Ultrasound school at age 38 knowing full well I had fibro, osteo arthritis and endometriosis. during my schooling I had to have surgery to remove my left ovary due to endometriosis. My school was 120 miles from my home in California, I commuted ond day a weeek to LA which meant me leaving my home at a 4am to get to school and got home 8 at night. I had clinical training 8 hours a day. Prior to clinicals staerting I lived in Orange county in a couples house while my husband took care of my kids to become an ultrasound tech.

    I have had cspine fusion surgery in 2000 and a total hysterectomy in 99, just had ortoscopic meniscus repair and am now having ACL reconstruction and I WILL BE BACK TO WORK IN 3-5 MONTHS DOING ULTRASOUND AGAIN.

    One thing I have learned over the years is we are going to hurt whether we are at home or out in the world making a difference. i choose the latter of the two.

    I do not know how bad your DD is or exactyly what your diseases are, but do not let it stop you from having a life. You can strike a balance. I am learning at 43 that this can be done. When I go back to work it will a 30 hour week or less and no call-probably an out patient center-I will do OB/GYN because that is what I enjoy and am good at. I will continue to have bad days where I need my tens unit to get through the day to scan my patients and I will be on meds-but i will not live my life controled by this illness, rather I will live this life with respect to the limitations it has brought to my table and the gift of slowing down a bit in this crazy world.

    As far as not being able to feel for others when they are ill, that is unusual-it is resentment I think because people do not give you the attention you need when you are ill because it is more often than most. I know because I am guilty-my kids are 14 and 8 and I have to force myself to take care of them and fall over them when they are ill, because they help me when I am ill most of the time--since I started paying more attention to them when they are ill they have been better about taking care of me when I need it.

    I hope you do not take offense to my letter. I just wanted to respond to the tone of you guitting your dreams--you are young-learn and get educated about this disease--exercise, suppliments etc can help alot--until the arthritis took over I never let fibro stop me. Today I just listen a lot better and rest when I have to.



    Edited; by Moderator
  3. pam_d

    pam_d New Member

    I just wanted to offer a sympathetic, supportive ear. I generally get a lot of support in my family from my husband and teen daughter, they are very understanding ----yet I know how tough it is to deal day-to-day with this illness even with their backing, so I can just imagine how difficult it is when you aren't getting the support & empathy you need from friends and family. And I DO know how you feel about folks with short-term illnesses; I get a little twinge of resentment because my husband has diabetes-----he's type II, actually very healthy, but my resentment isn't at him, it's about how others view what he has, versus what I have; everybody knows what diabetes is, it's a REAL illness; I have the "pretend" illness that either no one's heard of, or has misconceptions about.....I do get resentful about that sometimes, and it's why I share my dx with only a handful of friends, and seldom discuss it. I don't have a lot of good advice for you, I just wanted you to know that I understand and feel for you, you are so young and trying to survive college and plan for your future, which can be tough if you are a well person, let alone fighting pain & fatigue. Vent anytime here, this is a safe place to do that, and we are friends who really understand...

    Sending a prayer things get better,