Feeling Worthless Today

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by PhoenixRising, Aug 26, 2003.

  1. PhoenixRising

    PhoenixRising New Member

    I thought yesterday would be great...I was going to work part time through the work-study program at school. My first day all I worked was 2.5 hours. When I got home I was in such pain I cant even describe it. My back was hurting, my legs, every muscles and I was so wiped out I almost cried. Today I was supposed to work 4.5 hours and on the way I just turned around and came home. I realized that if just two hours put me away yesterday, today would be indescribably bad...

    For years I was able to just push on and work 60 hour weeks, go to school online taking full time credits and maintaining 4.0 GPA and taking care of my son's needs. But this recent flare up has been so bad, like nothing I have ever experienced. It used to be that my outlet for stress was housework...now my place is messy and I feel like crap and there is nothing I can do about it.

    This work thing forced me to accept that for the first time in my life I am not able to just mush on. I feel so worthless today, so beaten. I grew up taught to do for myself and that asking for help was being a cry baby. This is all very hard for me and its like I am getting sucked into a viscious cycle...I get stressed, I get sicker which makes me unable to do the things I used to do, and this adds to the stress and so I get sicker etc etc.

    The more I read about this the more I understand what brings on the flares for me and why they have gotten so bad. I had flareups for many years but once they were gone, I put it out of my mind (especially after years of being made to feel like a hypochondriac by doctors and family!). But when my son was diagnosed with brain tumors 8 years ago, the flares got worse -but I pushed on because for a long time he needed alot of care. Then his dad bailed on us after 20 yrs of marriage and the flares came more often but the severity was not as bad as this one. To make ends meet, provide for my son and myself I began to work what I called my "animal hours"...and to try to secure our future I began school. Then I was told by doctors that my son needs the lap band surgery or his weight will definitely cause him to suffer a coronary (this is what often kills young people with his medical conditions). So now I have to research doctors, get info and set that up. Then I lost my job with WorldCom and that brought on this last flare I believe. Its the worse thing I have ever experienced in severity and time its lasted.

    I dont mean to be a cry baby, but I feel in some ways like such a loser tonight and at the same time I look back on what I have gotten done despite the other flares and it surprises me. I am struggling to make sense of it all and set my life in order...ironic considering I cant make sense of anything lately because of the fibrofog!

    We talk about the illness and the physical trials it brings, but I am realizing that among the "ologists" and "iatrists" there need to be care given to psychological issues too.

  2. keeponsmiling

    keeponsmiling New Member

    Sometimes you just need to let it all out. So sorry you're feeling so awful. :(