Felt Useless and Humiliated.....Angry

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by dd, Nov 17, 2002.

  1. dd

    dd New Member

    Hi All - I have never felt so humiliated or misunderstood since getting this DD as I did this past weekend. I am not even sure those are the right words to use but I am having brain fog right now.

    I went with my husband to my mother-in-law's house because she was moving into her new home. I only went with him because I get sick and tired of staying home all the time by myself. I had a very stressful and emotional week due to some problems with my 14 year old son so I thought that being with family would take my mind off of things for a while. Boy was I wrong!!! I should have stayed at home.

    When we got to my mother-in-law's new house everyone was waiting on the movers to get there with the furniture. She had hired a moving company to do all the heavy stuff. The truck arrived and my MIL was right behind them with a car load of boxes in her car. She was came in the house and began to act all crazy and in a huff and was trying to move some of the stuff herself. My sister-in-law kept telling her to let the movers do it and that we could all pitch in afer they left to rearrange things. Well, the movers finally finished their job and left, there really was not that much furniture to move anyway. After they left she told everyone that there were boxes in her car that needed to come into the house, she did not say this in a nice way mind you. Anyway, everyone that was there trodded out to the car and grabbed what they could and brought it in. My sister-in-law looked at me just standing there and said "there are more boxes out there." I told her that I could not lift anything because I would be in bed for the next week if I did. My MIL overheard me say this and she made a comment that "we are all tired, we've been moving boxes all week." I felt like an ass for not helping but I know my limitations and they all know that I have CFS and FM. So, there I stood as they were all unloading the car, looking at me like I was lazy each time they passed me. I could tell that they were not pleased with me at all. After all the boxes were brought in I heard my MIL telling one of her friends that she is so tired and drained and wished that she could lay in bed for a week like Debbie does. Then she asked me to try to help move a love seat and my husband stepped in and told her that I couldn't do it. She made another comment and my husband told her that if I did I would be laid up for a few days. She then said that she was sooooooooo tired too but things have to get done. I received so many comments and looks that day that when I got home I was very depressed. They had me feeling guilty because I know they were tired from moving but I just can't do that kind of physical exertion anymore. My sister-in-law asked me what I would do if I had to move and I told her that I would have family and friends help me. I felt guilty for even saying that I was tired. I had not slept in 3 days because of the issues that I am going thru with my teenager. I tried to explain to them that I was mentally exhausted and that also makes my CFS and FM flare up. They just told me that they were mentally and physically exhausted also. When we got home I told my husband that the way they felt is the way that I feel 365 days a year. They way that they feel will go away with rest but mine doesn't. He understands and I was quite shocked when he stood up to his mother like he did.

    I know that I shouldn't feel bad for not helping but their actions and comments just made me feel awful. I probably should have stayed at home. This was the first time that I have refused to help because I know what will happen. I am just so mad because they all know what I go thru dealing with this day to day. I know that my MIL was stressed and wanted everything done while she had the help there but comparing her tiredness to mine.........I don't think so. Sometimes I wish that I had a VISIBLE disease because then I wouldn't be looked down upon.

    Sorry for the rambling. Just had to get this off of my chest.

    Peace to all.

    Debbie
  2. dd

    dd New Member

    Hi All - I have never felt so humiliated or misunderstood since getting this DD as I did this past weekend. I am not even sure those are the right words to use but I am having brain fog right now.

    I went with my husband to my mother-in-law's house because she was moving into her new home. I only went with him because I get sick and tired of staying home all the time by myself. I had a very stressful and emotional week due to some problems with my 14 year old son so I thought that being with family would take my mind off of things for a while. Boy was I wrong!!! I should have stayed at home.

    When we got to my mother-in-law's new house everyone was waiting on the movers to get there with the furniture. She had hired a moving company to do all the heavy stuff. The truck arrived and my MIL was right behind them with a car load of boxes in her car. She was came in the house and began to act all crazy and in a huff and was trying to move some of the stuff herself. My sister-in-law kept telling her to let the movers do it and that we could all pitch in afer they left to rearrange things. Well, the movers finally finished their job and left, there really was not that much furniture to move anyway. After they left she told everyone that there were boxes in her car that needed to come into the house, she did not say this in a nice way mind you. Anyway, everyone that was there trodded out to the car and grabbed what they could and brought it in. My sister-in-law looked at me just standing there and said "there are more boxes out there." I told her that I could not lift anything because I would be in bed for the next week if I did. My MIL overheard me say this and she made a comment that "we are all tired, we've been moving boxes all week." I felt like an ass for not helping but I know my limitations and they all know that I have CFS and FM. So, there I stood as they were all unloading the car, looking at me like I was lazy each time they passed me. I could tell that they were not pleased with me at all. After all the boxes were brought in I heard my MIL telling one of her friends that she is so tired and drained and wished that she could lay in bed for a week like Debbie does. Then she asked me to try to help move a love seat and my husband stepped in and told her that I couldn't do it. She made another comment and my husband told her that if I did I would be laid up for a few days. She then said that she was sooooooooo tired too but things have to get done. I received so many comments and looks that day that when I got home I was very depressed. They had me feeling guilty because I know they were tired from moving but I just can't do that kind of physical exertion anymore. My sister-in-law asked me what I would do if I had to move and I told her that I would have family and friends help me. I felt guilty for even saying that I was tired. I had not slept in 3 days because of the issues that I am going thru with my teenager. I tried to explain to them that I was mentally exhausted and that also makes my CFS and FM flare up. They just told me that they were mentally and physically exhausted also. When we got home I told my husband that the way they felt is the way that I feel 365 days a year. They way that they feel will go away with rest but mine doesn't. He understands and I was quite shocked when he stood up to his mother like he did.

    I know that I shouldn't feel bad for not helping but their actions and comments just made me feel awful. I probably should have stayed at home. This was the first time that I have refused to help because I know what will happen. I am just so mad because they all know what I go thru dealing with this day to day. I know that my MIL was stressed and wanted everything done while she had the help there but comparing her tiredness to mine.........I don't think so. Sometimes I wish that I had a VISIBLE disease because then I wouldn't be looked down upon.

    Sorry for the rambling. Just had to get this off of my chest.

    Peace to all.

    Debbie
  3. karen2002

    karen2002 New Member

    Part of these disorders is learning to say no to things we can no longer do. Another part is avoiding situations which are going to cause unneccessary stress. Both are damaging. Perhaps next time, preparing a few sandwiches for the moving gang (or what ever "fun" lol, family functions they have in mind) that your husband delivers, when he assist them, might be better. You are still showing your family support---but don't reap the benefits of there.....hmmm. I will stop there :) There is no point in doing that which is detrimental to your health.
    Do not let the uninformed, and inconsiderate stress you out like this.
    You've gotten it off your chest---now relax, and put an end to this situation stressing you. Best wishes,
    Karen
  4. Claypot

    Claypot New Member

    Hi DD... I am so sorry that you suffered in that way. I just would like to give u a hug and am wishing i was right there in person. But this is the best I can do...

    ((((((((((((((dd)))))))))))))

    Love; Claypot
  5. teach6

    teach6 New Member

    So sorry to hear about your experience. I think we all have had to deal with this type of thing in one way or another. One way to make it easier on ourselves is to lower our expectations of others. If we don't expect them to understand we won't be so disappointed when they don't.

    I know that's easier said than done. I also know that if I tried to prepare lunch for a group of people that would wipe me out too. So I won't suggest that.

    Some people will never understand and others will think they do, but really not completely get it. We just have to remind ourselves that if even the doctors don't get it how can we expect people who don't have an opportunity to be aware of our problems to understand.

    I find I do much better when I don't put myself in a situation which will be frustrating to me. I used to hear all the time from other teachers, "We all feel that way at this time of year," and I believed they all were as exhausted as I was.

    Now I know better. But if I were to go back and tell them that, most of them still wouldn't get it, even though they know what is wrong with me.

    One teacher actually got mad at me last year becasue when I had to go on leave unexpectedly she actually had to work, which is something she had become a master at avoiding! I think the rest of the school was happy to see her staying late and grading papers and sitting in on conferences for a change.

    I had been the glue holding the entire grade level team together and without me they were all expected to pull their own weight. It took a lot of convincing by the administration before some of them caught on.

    Barbara
  6. phenom

    phenom New Member

    and even if u were - its a way to vent - sometimes u just need to get it all out - and luckily for all of us there are kind ppl on this board who will reply and make u feel like a million dollars!

    phenom
  7. Rozmund

    Rozmund New Member

    You have taken a huge step in visibily standing up to not only your MIL but the entire group there - what good would you be to your hubby and son if you exhaust yourself for a few boxes to the point of no return to please your MIL. Moving is a stressful experience for everyone - but even so, I feel she could have been supportive of your condition but it is obvious that she does not understand it and is getting poor feedback because of that - I cannot stress enough that knowledge is power and it is also a defense - why not buy your MIL a book for Christmas on FM/CFS - with a wee note that says I think enough of you to hope that you never get this. Just an idea - but with your MIL understanding your burden a bit better she will be a support for her son, your hubby - this dd affects the whole family....as does any chronic disorder. everyone's life has had adjustments to endure. Hugs - and now put it behind you....BUT- buy a good book...I always recommned Fibromyalgia & Chronic Myofascial (muscle) Pain: A Survival Manual - Second Edition - by Devin Starlanyl and Mary Ellen Copeland because it comes complete with drawings and is in everyday lay terms. - Devin has gone on in life from being a senior ER nurse to getting her doctors degree. So she obviously has followed the coping advice in the book.

    Knowledge is power. Keep saying this mantra - we need to rise above our ailments with information - and coping methods - good days will come if you are in the driver's seat - and in your life, you are #1, your hubby and son are #2 - that is all you can handle for now.....and if you handle that you are doing alot better than many women who are not sick at all. God Bless.
    [This Message was Edited on 11/18/2002]
  8. fibolady

    fibolady New Member

    you've had many good replies, all i can add is what a sweet, understanding husband, be so thankful! and, he stood up to his mother, that was something, you should feel good about that.

    don't let the other's behavior bother you, the rest of the world just doesn't get it. i like others, just don't put myself in a position that will off an opportunity for others to "be that way" around me. it is not the solution i know, because it does make you even more isolated from the world, but sometimes for your own sanity, i'd rather not have to defend myself every day or week.

    i loved the idea of making sandwiches (if you were up to that),i think it is great you even went over there with your husband. your mil should have been glad just to see you and that her son came to help out!

    warm regards, fibolady
  9. Carina

    Carina New Member

    Congratualtions on standing your ground to your MIL. Know that living with this DD is a process of relearning how to handle events in our lives and learning to set priorities. The next time you find yourself needing to get out of the house away from all the stress may I suggest that you go with your hubby out for a cup of coffee ( or whatever) with the understanding that you do not discuss the stressors. Maybe the conversation focused on gratitude for what is making life worth living and your blessings will be beneficial. I am sure you and your hubby will both benefit from this. Sometimes our support people need this kind of encouragement too. This will help you grow stronger together instead of letting bad circumstances end up putting a wedge between you after a while. I am so glad you have such a supportive husband, nuture that relationship and the heck with MIL !!
    [This Message was Edited on 11/18/2002]
  10. kellym

    kellym New Member

    I'm sorry you had such a terrible weekend. I've found that I just have to get almost rude and spout out facts with the people that don't understand (family or not). I think Rozmund had a GREAT idea with the book & note. Education is the key for these clueless people. Hope it gets better for you, and don't forget to let your hubby know what you think of him & how much you appreciate his efforts! Those kind of men really need a boost sometimes.
  11. majic

    majic New Member

    i know this is going to sound cold hearted.i have fibro for 4 years now and i just don't get it.why do people put themselves in situations that they know can be bad. if i was at a family move and just standing around and watching everyone else working i would be mad at you to. we don't only have to learn to say no but we have to think before we put ourselves out there for people to be mad at us. think of the family. here they are all working lugging and then here you are looking. get real this would make you mad to.when you were asked what would happen if you had to move. i hope you were not depending on these family members to help you.


    i work 40 hours a week and live life to my best ability. this board is suppose to help people. here of late it has been so depressing. get moving and help yourselves. majic
  12. s43

    s43 New Member

    Why is it that people dont understand when you tell them your not well.Back in may i had an Hysterectomy,bad enough on its own never mind suffering with fibro.Any way when i came home from hospital i wasnt to clever,one day i went for a sleep because the fibro had flared up as well,my MIL came visiting my husband left me sleeping because he knew i hadnt slept in days.Six months later my MIL still hadnt phoned or come near my house,everytime my hubby went there shae never asked how i was,only asked after the children.It bothered my husband but i said it wasnt worth arguing with her over me.Well 2 weeks ago hubby went to see her and i was in one of my flares,she still didnt ask about me,she didnt know i had only been diagnosed end of sept with this dd.Apparently hubby had only just arrived when he stormed out of there without saying a word.When he came back he looked upset and said that she is right out of order,for not asking after his wife.He hasnt phoned or visited her since but last week the phone went,i was in bed bad again,but got up to answer it,it was the MIL THE FIRST TIME IN 7 MONTHS ASKING HOW I WAS .I couldnt beleive it she was nice as pie.I told hubby when he came from work but he wasnt really bothered and said that it wasnt my fault in the begining, the only thing i can put it down to is the day she came visiting after i came out of hosp.I still feel mad over it because i always ask after her.I told her on the phone that i had been diag with fibro and what do you think she said...... i went to the doctors last week and been diagnosed with a really bad thing,the worst you can get, i asked what it was and she didnt know,so in future when she asks how i am i am going to tell her great, fine never felt better.You just cant win with some people honestly.Any way sorry for going on but we have all got them MIL.Take care you have a good hubby just like me who will stand up for you. Fibro Hugs luv Sharon
  13. s43

    s43 New Member

    Why is it that people dont understand when you tell them your not well.Back in may i had an Hysterectomy,bad enough on its own never mind suffering with fibro.Any way when i came home from hospital i wasnt to clever,one day i went for a sleep because the fibro had flared up as well,my MIL came visiting my husband left me sleeping because he knew i hadnt slept in days.Six months later my MIL still hadnt phoned or come near my house,everytime my hubby went there shae never asked how i was,only asked after the children.It bothered my husband but i said it wasnt worth arguing with her over me.Well 2 weeks ago hubby went to see her and i was in one of my flares,she still didnt ask about me,she didnt know i had only been diagnosed end of sept with this dd.Apparently hubby had only just arrived when he stormed out of there without saying a word.When he came back he looked upset and said that she is right out of order,for not asking after his wife.He hasnt phoned or visited her since but last week the phone went,i was in bed bad again,but got up to answer it,it was the MIL THE FIRST TIME IN 7 MONTHS ASKING HOW I WAS .I couldnt beleive it she was nice as pie.I told hubby when he came from work but he wasnt really bothered and said that it wasnt my fault in the begining, the only thing i can put it down to is the day she came visiting after i came out of hosp.I still feel mad over it because i always ask after her.I told her on the phone that i had been diag with fibro and what do you think she said...... i went to the doctors last week and been diagnosed with a really bad thing,the worst you can get, i asked what it was and she didnt know,so in future when she asks how i am i am going to tell her great, fine never felt better.You just cant win with some people honestly.Any way sorry for going on but we have all got them MIL.Take care you have a good hubby just like me who will stand up for you. Fibro Hugs luv Sharon
  14. kadywill

    kadywill New Member

    BAD DAY????????? I, for one, feel you need a big old hug!!!
    Love,
    Kady
  15. glendamarie22

    glendamarie22 New Member

    Your comment about wanting have a "visable" disease is exactly what I've been thinking for years. I am caught so often in situations like the one you found yourself in and am still learning to handle them...
    Until people beome educated and understand, please know that you're among people who face the same problem every day. Don't feel guilty for something you can't help. And give that hubby of yours a big smooch - he sounds wonderful:)

    ~Glenda
  16. Stormy214

    Stormy214 New Member

    But what she says also makes some sense, and I think personally will acknowledge that (for me, at least--I would never presume to speak for anyone else). Now, my family wouldn't have treated my like that in the first place, but I have FRIENDS who would (and have, in the past) treat me like that if I put myself in the postion of being there in the first place. So, in that sense, I do agree that we need to take charge of our lives, set our priorities, and then live them. I am #1 until I get this thing under control. My husband and children are #2. Everything falls below that, so I will not harm myself, because it hurts me, my husband, and my children. Sending sandwiches is a great idea, if you are up to it! But if you are not, you simply have to be selfish. Stay home, don't put yourself in that position because for most human beings, it is difficult (emotionally) to deal with being thought badly of, and for us, it is physical as well. Just my thoughts....
    Stormy