Fighting for custody of GKids UPDATED

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Jane_Canuck, Jul 30, 2006.

  1. Jane_Canuck

    Jane_Canuck New Member

    Hey all

    having so much stress these last 3 years I have been married.

    When I moved down hubbys grown kids became as**&&(holesssss
    and completely disowned their dad for wanting a life after his late wife died.

    He married me and according to his children, now 32, and 28 (I think)they have told us they had to be on drugs and alcohol to cope with thier mothers death.

    Sighhhhhhhh well from taking drugs with the daughter, 32 she had to sell them cause she does not wnat to work for a living. So she got involved with some really crappy people and cooked meth on her stove and sold cocaine and weed.

    She also, we just learned, was running a theft ring out of the house.

    Insert another heavy sighhhhhh here.

    That said, she has 2 children as does hubbys son. Hubbys son though at least is married. Daughter is not. Daughter has chrones and is not taking care of herself at all and as of 3 weeks ago was in hospital for staph and strep from injecting with dirty needles.

    So anyhow we know from my personal experiance that you can not help these people until they hit whatever their personal bottom is and then want help.

    We thought she wanted help last year, when on her fathers b-day tried to commit suicide because omg, a boy did not like her.

    PFFFFFFFfTTTTTTTTT insert apprpriate bad words here....

    Anyhow we talked her into going to A-1 which is the psych ward for help. She BS'd her way into them thinking she was ok and was released less then 24 hours later.

    So as stated above things just continued to get worse.

    So anyhow long diatribe short, she got raided on wed. of this last week.

    She had her "step" grandmother there, the owner of the house, and her sons other grandma there too as she had not been letting the paternal side of the sons family see the child.

    SOoooooooooo she had a house that was so filthy it was about to be condemed. And when they got there they had a warrent for a fugitive that she had living in the house.

    She of course swore he was not there... Pffffffffffft

    they found him in her closet, and 3 more down in the basement when her sons room is, in unsupervised quarters, they had pulled out the appliances in the basement and were hiding behind them all.

    So she was caught on 2 counts of child endangerment, and caught with cocaine, and the felon.

    So when social services got there, they blew a cow! HTey house being so bad and all.... so when the "step" great grandma of the kids DEMANDED that they go home with her, SS said look back off they come with us. Guess that did not sit with the rotten old cow and she blew monkey chunks and SS said back off cause you could be off in jail too tonight because of this pig stye.

    Well the daughter got out of jail the next day and was TOLD to go home and clean house as there would be an inspection the next little while.

    Well as per usual she always gets bailed out of everything because "step" grandma went over while she was in jail over night and cleaned for her. So yet again she gets to go home, where she does not pay rent and or bills since "step" grandma always pays for everything and either set up shop again until her court date sometime in sept.

    Well, want to know the danged kicker of this all? I am 34 myself, she is 32. Her mom died when she was 29. My mom died when I was 15. Hmmmmmmm so what is wrong with htis whole pic eh?

    So ya and another thing... my hubby her father had to hear all of this from the other grandmother of the one child since his own daughter is too chicken pooped to tell him!

    So anyhow soc services wants to place both children with a family member that is related to both children. There are only 3 BLOOD relation to those kids. My hubby and hubbys 2 sons the kids uncles.

    Neither of them are stepping up so hubby has to. Well guess who else is stepping up to get them... Oh you got it "STEP" Great Grandma who was only married to their Great grandpa.

    She is not blood and she is 71 years old. She waits hand and foot on the older child because she favors him and never wnated anythign to do with the younger child ever.


    so anyhow overwhelmed to the point hubby and I came home from a pot luck in the park having the stress of this on us and barfing all over. OMG like we did not have enough to clean up eh??

    ahahhaah too funny.

    He is in bed I am not cause it is still 90f in the house. I guess i have to just keep cleaning until it is cool enough for me to get some rest.

    Hubby leaves for work at 3am so likely after that I shall try to rest.

    So who knows what Social Services look for? I am the freaking WORST housekeeper ever!

    AND OF COURSE Murphys law!

    Almost everything hubby touches has been breaking this weekend. I have clogs in the kitchen and bathroom that are so bad that I cna not run the dishwasher. I can't use the kitchen sink. So to get dishes washed it will have to be in the bathtub if he does nto get it fixed tomorrow.


    we have 7 dogs and cats, you know how tha tgoes too lol... they are all good animals but sometimes someone pukes in the wrong spot lol just hoping it does not happen during the visit. ahahha

    Any tips would be great if you got thru this post. I rarely post my frustrations because it is just too lengthy and I have not even gone into the amount of detail I could.

    TYVM for listening, if it weren't for the board I would have no one listening!

    XOX Brenda
    [This Message was Edited on 09/01/2006]
  2. Jane_Canuck

    Jane_Canuck New Member


    tyvm man this is just so twisted it is beyond bizarre...

    ya usually I take an attude of ya so it happened lets move on to most issues. Figuring its already done lets make the most of the clean up...

    I can give in to a good vent once in a while but man it takes alot before I do lol.

    But 3 years of crap from his kids that are so close in age to me is beyond crap. Man they still act like they are 12 most of the time and everyone lets them get away with it.

    I see that issue in many my age group in this local area.

    I sure do not want that for the g-kids. Oh well do what we can the rest is up to the children to decide what they want for themselves.

    tyvm both! I know huby is a little wide eyed today roflmao... he went to bed with no garbage bags around woke up 3 hours later and had over 6 to take out lol! I clean using g-bags. If I have not used it and I can not give it away... tough beans out it goes. So much easier on the FMS that way loL!

    HAGN Brenda
  3. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    in a much more stable environment...

    the mom has chron's disease...i two people and they were well both married to eachother so i know the hardship of that...but the parents do not do drugs no drink alcohol cause it is not good for their digestive system...

    but your situation is so bad for those grand babies..parents that are messed up in their heads...

    dr phil says you can't wait for people to hit rock bottom...

    i have an acquaintence friend that is bipolar and she was using cocaine...she is public high school teacher single mom...
    she shared w/me on what it took for her to get the help she needed...cause she loved the maniac phase....which most do...

    she said it took her father saying if you do not get the help i am calling ss and getting those girls...

    so she got the help and she is or was 60lbx. heavier from her prozac but she loves her life now...she didn't know what life she does...

    so get the kiddos and someday when they get their heads in the right places you could always give custody arrangements of sorts back to the responsible parents that they could be...

    the step grandm wow,,,,can't she lose her home for all of the mess going on there...she doesn't sound any better than the adult kids...

    i have friends that had their mother die when they were teens and younger...but they kept it together are are great people on this earth...

    there is hope...but hang in there things will all work out..

  4. rosemarie

    rosemarie Member

    I am so sorry to hear of your pain and problems. How I wish that there was more that I could do than write to you.

    You sound worried about the house being clean enoung for SS to see it. I Know that they will want the kids to have their own rooms and their own beds. They like to see a nice clean house. That does not mean that there is not any clutter. I really don't think they will want you to have a sterile home. Just clean. Pick up the junk off the tables and where ever it happens to be and toss it.

    Find a home for every thing in the house.. And put the dishes away, the clothes, and all the things you have. IF your on meds make sure that they are in a locked box like a tool box that will have a lock on it so that the kids can't get in to it. I had to get one as my sister who if I din't know better sounds like your hubby's daughter.

    She would come over an beg me to give her some Lortabs or when I went to stronger meds then she wanted them too. Always telling me that when her hubby got his script she would pay me back with what ever it was he was taking. And I had it.. I had found her passed out once to often drooling and so out of it that when I put ice down her shirt she didn't even move. I told her youngest daughter that her mommy was sick. MY then 6 yr old niece looked at me and said " So is MOM stoned again? What did she OD on this time? Auntie she is not sick just stoned and drunk." I about choked she was 6 yrs old and knew what was going on.

    REgretfully my sister is still a bum and is hurting her kids by not being there for them and her husband is even worse. The only time they get their (*Y(*^*%^&%&^ {Swear words add what words you like} butts is when my 79 yr old mom is sick and in the hospital. She was there a few months ago and we didn't call them and let them know.AS the last time we did.

    They both showed up stoned ,& drunk, they were rude to everyone including the staff at the ER. During a prayer session for my mom my sister sat in the room screaming that she didn't want her MOM to die because SHE could not cope with it. My MOm was laying there in the ER and heard everything. When she was moved to the ICU she told the staff to not let my sister , her husband or kids in to see her. And my sister was so pissed about it that she had to be told by security that she could not come in.It really didn't matter she does not see mom unless she is sick, so why would she want to see her now.?

    I wrote this to let you know that your not alone. I do juderstand some of what your going thru.

    With your house, just get it picked up so that it looks clean and neat. IF you have friends that can come in and help you for a while and you feel like it ask them for some help so that you can get it done and then it is easier to keep picked up. MY house is not clean now and I picked up so much junk off the floor today so that my grandson didn't get in to it.. And it is still a mess. But I do try to pick up things fromone room each day , I have to rest after a while but I get some thing done every day.

    TAke care of you and your hubby, know that I am wishing for the best for you.And for the kids too.

  5. alaska3355

    alaska3355 New Member

    I hope they will get to come and stay with you, as you sound a lot more mature and "together" than the parents do. With a criminal record, dirty house, etc....I think you have a chance. Keep trying! Love and prayers, Terri
  6. NyroFan

    NyroFan New Member


    Enabling. That's what it sounds like. Why not let her fend for herself and let the chips fall where they may.

    If her kids are taken away maybe it is better she is not in that environment. After they are taken away: you have more of a chance of getting them. You have a big heart to do this.

    I am sorry they are so dysfunctional. Let her clean her own face. After social services sees it, things will continue as it has been with her.

    I would cut her off and let her learn a good lesson. Also: if she falls back into her old ways why not call Social Services. Let your husband (blood relative) get custody of the kids.

    A safe place: that is what they need and also the love you can give.

  7. suzetal

    suzetal New Member

    I can not believe that they live with that woman.

    Someone please please take them from her.The children should be the main issue they need saving .They do not deserve this type of life.Try all you can to get them out of there.

    Foster care would even be better than the life they have now.

    To many children live with parents that are druggies and there is no need for it.


  8. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member

    Do go back and check all the pointers I gave to dncnfngrs earlier in the year-I think it was June??? As you need to know all of this stuff.

    Now do you have seven dogs and cats total or seven of each??? I would make sure if you do have 14 that some are outside and fenced.

    Social workers are more suspicious of a too tidy and clean house than a lived in one as dncn knows.

    Ask about getting official foster care training and say you are willing to do this, as not only that you will then get an allowance for the children and medicaid which you will need. There is no way they will favor a 71 year old non relative over a blood relative with a 34 year old wife.

    But I also want you to think it all through as it could be the kids may just be better off in long term foster care with you having them weekends as they are going to be a lot of work. One thing and I am always saying this. Keep to facts, don't bad mouth, be diplomatic, they know this woman is beyond hope, she won't be showing up for more than one parent class for sure, so her chance of ever seeing the kids again will be slim.

    Any advice please post direct as I have quite a bit of knowledge on this.

    Love Anne Cromwell

  9. 1sweetie

    1sweetie New Member

    This sounds like a horror movie. I hate that this is your life and the life of those poor childred.

    I have no advice. There are others on the board that are going through similar situations and I would listen to them.

    I only wish that the best happens for all of you. I did deal with an addict or should I say I tried. It is close to impossible. They are master manipulators and their drug of choice is always #1.

    Stay focused on the children and you and your husband. You can not fix the others.

    ((((hugs)))) and vent all you want!

  10. Jane_Canuck

    Jane_Canuck New Member

    OK here is a Q?.....

    DOES your hubby do the same thing to you as mine does???? I read the posts and go to respond and the BLEEEEeep comes in and chats and I forget wtf I was going to write???

    OMG drives me batty!

    ANYHOW>..... ahem

    tyvm all for your replies. I have been cleaning like a mad woman and ended up you guessed it getting hurt and too pooped to party lol....

    Oh well...

    I do know what it is like to deal with people with addictions as I grew up with an alcoholic father and a brother that blamed himself for mom and dads divorce when he was 15 years old and he started drugs and such then.

    He is now ummm wait... I am 34 my sister is 44 he is 48? I htink now.... ya 35 years with massive drug addictions to the point he can not work cause he has no more brain cells. Dad has to support him monthly cause he has no funds of his own.

    Anyhow The advocate of you have to let people get to rock bottom before you get help comes directly from A.A.

    I have lived it with all of dads family as all were alcoholics.

    Now Mom and Dad divorced when I was 2 or 3. When I was 8 Mom got sick with cancer and by 10 years old I ran the entire household. My sister and brother ran away knowing I was trapped there cause of my age.

    When I was 15 Mom died and I had to go live in foster care. Mom had my people already picked out. So it was not an issue in her mind. It was a huge adjustment for me and so I know what the kids will be going thru.

    They have seen the state doctors, and both have scabies and lice. What the heck is a scabie??I have no friggen clue? I never had lice either so this is all new cause it seems anymore that these kids get lice freaking ever few momths.

    So we still have our room to do, which is still a zoo and floors to mop and the upstairs where the g-son will be sleeping to sweep at the least.

    Hope if we get them we get very good help we have no ac so it is a sauna in the house. Since hubby got forced into retirement from the telephone co that is not doing well,,,, 325 layoff or voluntary retirements, then we just have not found the same pay scale we had there.

    OH WELL what is to be is too be and likely is predecided.

    So if its not good enough I know I did my best that is all I can woryry about.

    Tell ya how it goes tomorrow after the visit.

    TTFN Brenda
  11. alaska3355

    alaska3355 New Member

    Let us know how the visit went and I'll pray for cooler weather for you. Terri
  12. Jane_Canuck

    Jane_Canuck New Member

    ahah yes I will let you all know how it goes and tyvm for the cooler weather thoughts it is to be over 105f here today and so in the house it will be close to 100f even if you do have fans running.
    I need to get off my assterix and get back to work lol tyvm again!
  13. tonakay

    tonakay New Member

    When it rains it pours girl! I just found this one and my oh my do you have your hands full. I'll check for an update later b4 I engage my mouth.....

    Hang on!
  14. SweetT

    SweetT New Member

    ~you have food for the kids

    ~you have beds for the kids to sleep in

    ~you have a means of supporting the children along with yourself

    ~there are no health or safety hazards in your home, such as faulty wiring or plumbing.

    ~all of your utilities are on

    ~your pets are groomed and well-cared for, with a separate spot in the house, and they are not laying their wastes all over the house, which is a sanitation issue

    ~if you work and require childcare, you have the ability to afford or manage that

    ~of course, you or no one in your house can have felonies involving violence or sex offenses.

  15. Jane_Canuck

    Jane_Canuck New Member

    Well they came tuesday!

    We were not ready but oh well that is life.

    We told them we live here it is not a showcase home and it never has been!

    She asked a bunch of questions and looked about and only at our room where the kids would sleep and the yard.

    That was it!

    We had the fridge stalked as well as the freezer adn she never once opened the doors to look in. I was saddened about that but we got a few good kicks in about nutrition and how we would be making lifestyle choices in food more with the kids as diabetes runs thru both sides of the families. So we said that we eat a diabetic lifestyle which we are not going to change because of picky eaters.

    ehehe well...... we also said that things like eatting out at fast food is a treat not a right of passage! she asked what I meant and i said it is not uncommon for the kids to get Mc D's or BK as often as everyday!

    I asked if we would get notes or something on what they ate at the foster care because what good habits have been adopted there we want to continue.

    She LAUGHED and siad yes the kids are exceedingly picky about food and YES there will be a log book coming because they are so horridly complaining that they are NOT eatting out at least everyother day!


    Ohhhh man it was over 106F the day she stopped in so I had to give her tissues to blot herself with to get all the sweat out of her eyes.

    So she went to leave and she gave us a piece of paper... it is a list like you would put on the fridge of important #'s for police, social services, hospital, poisen control and all that. Also a spot for the kids SS# and doctors and medical card #s.

    We are not sure why she gave that to us as she said nothing about us getting them only that MANY MANY people have ccome forward to ask for these kids... Jim said WHAT??

    She asked what he meant, Hubby said there are only 3 direct blood relatives to both those kids! Himself as grandfather and 2 uncles. Anyone else is either related by marrage or 2nds and 3rd cousins.

    She said oh we are not aware of that... and made a note!

    Well lets see........ we got hubbys daughters arrest record from the night the kids were taken at the drug raid. Its not good. And I asked the social worker if we would be sat down and told specifically the details of that night, and she asked why. I said NO one including hubbys daughter has told us what 100% has happened. If the kids under our care start asking questions how do we answer them if we don't know?

    She said oh good questions, I said further more, we wnat them in councelling and have one picked and ready to go, if we do not know much how do we direct a councellor which way to go with the kids healing if we don;t know what all has happened!

    She left buldging eyed cause these were hard and fast questions in her opinon lol!

    Nice to make people think isn't it?

    I had a list of over 25 questions for her to answer and well over 3/4s of them she couldn't and said that would be up to the main social worker to know those things, she was just the house inspector in the situation.

    So we thanked her for her time and she left.

    The only thing we have had happen since was getting the arrest records and hubbys daughter got high and called here, left a gruellling message, was higher then a kite because that is the only way she would have guts to call.

    So I took it off hubbys voice mail and put it on tape incase she has to be taken to the funy farm.

    Oh yes,,, think I mentioned it before hubbys late wife the mother of his kids died, just over 3 years ago now. On all of the police reports we have, her "Step" grnadmother is listed every single time as her "mother" both she and step daughter have said that is their relationship...

    that is getting straightened out tomorrow!

    Gotta potty! HAGN
    [This Message was Edited on 08/06/2006]
  16. Jane_Canuck

    Jane_Canuck New Member

    well...... sigh guess what...

    When they did the drug raid, they took away the dog and her puppies.

    Then to bail them out you have to pay $100 fine and license fees and a few other things. It gest close to $200 to get each dog out of the pound.

    So hubbys daughter got the main momma out. But she does nothing with her.

    She is always loose but usually stays in the yard, well most times.

    Tonight hubby and I saw her trying to fight aother dog and we sighhhhed.

    Then about 20 mins later when we took our garbage around here was Coco out in the alley looking for grub in the garbage cans.

    We just had pick up today so she got slim pickings.

    She was so hungary though that I caught her with a piece of watermellon licorise!

    I called the dog warden and they asked if she was liscences and I said yup and he asked for her # on the tag and I gave it and he said can you keep her the night and Iwill let you know where she goes in the am.

    I said whatever and since hubyb goes to work at 4am I asked our neighbour that owes me lol if he could take us to the pound to drop off coco.

    I know it sounds bad to take her to the pound instead of talking to the step daughter and letting her take her dog back.

    But we run a rescue, we know how crappy it is out there for animals when they are abused and not wanted.

    Coco is not really wanted and you should see her. She refused water from the dish and no dog food either. I think all she got at sd house was people food. She just ate all my pork rinds.

    We dipped her and the rest of our animals tonight that was a big job! But had to be done its a bad year for ticks and fleas.

    I hope we can drop off the dog annon because we do not want her knowing we took her dog in cause who knows what back lash that will cause.

    Less then 3 hours to pound time and trying to decide if I should try again to sleep or even bother.

    Just hope the best comes for the dog. If she does not bail the hound out I think it goes up for adoption. But not sure of the length of time involved.

    But it would be better in the pound the on the street for her to get hit or in dog fights or knocked up again lol.

    oh well HAGN all
  17. tonakay

    tonakay New Member

    Never a dull moment in your house girl! I have no idea how you're going to cope with all of this with all of your health issues, I'm overwhelmed just READING all this....

  18. Jane_Canuck

    Jane_Canuck New Member

    ya Tona its never dull just wished it were more positive...

    but that too is changing.

    I told my hubby how I felt things were going to happen... he did not believe me.

    But alas I am right and things are panning out as I said.

    I told him that both kids needed therapy. I found out they did in more ways then 1. Social services is going to court sept to file a motion against step daughter seeing the kids.

    She observed inappropiate relationship happening between mother and son and step great grandma and the son. and they said that based on his reaction to it all its been going on for some time now. sighhhhhhh

    The father of the boy has been getting visitation with him only. So that means the girl is likely wondering why she is not seeing anyone. I hope she is being told something positive but who knows, I am hoping abandonment issues do not happen here.

    anyhow I have felt for some time that the kids are going to be split up. The boy to go with his father and the girl with us. I even saw her room one day whilst sitting at a metaphysical shop watching a movie! I looked away from the movie and suddenly saw the room we are to use as her bedroom and saw it painted pale indigo and on the windows were polar fleece printed curtains. Each one had an angel on it. Since the whole room was painted the same, ceiling included, we also painted clouds and stars on the walls making it look more celestial. I was told this would make her feel safer and more watched over.

    Last night we bought one of the panels for the window! A beautiful angel in soft green tones for a background it will really pop in the room with the indigo.

    The custody hearing is not until Oct now, but the father is trying to press them into placing the son sooner because it is school here next week. They feel they need to get him out and shopping since they were taken from the home with nothing. Nor are they allowed to take them back home to get anything either because of the lice and scabies.

    Step daughter since has had the biggest crack dealer in town move in with her. She has daily people walking in and out of the house like they just commonly live there. Come to find out thru social services that they do.

    There was a schedualled.... yes SCHEDUALLED appt to see her at her house this week. Soc servs. said when they got there she did not answer the door someone else did. They let soc sevs in and they had to go find her amogst the bodies of people laying around all over the floor!

    There were 9 people in the house that were not fleeing like ants to get out of there cause they had made camp! When they found her they could not get her to wake up!

    When she did wake up she could not sit up and would fall over and go back to sleep. So soc serv terminated the visit and made a motion in court for her to not have visitation rights with the kids as she is unfit and unhealthy to do so.

    Last night. there was a police officer that sat in his car from 4pm until 8ish pm + waiting for someone to show up over at her house. Not sure why but he was waiting for someone! we only have 3 police men on duty from 4 pm until 11 pm so this was nuts him sitting there it had to be important.

    We have a meeting schedualled today with the father and grandmother of the boy, we want to know what they know since the father has rights that as we grandparents do not have thru soc servs. He will know things in the file that we need to know. I just pray he will share everything he knows.

    We have heard rumours in the past of inappropriateness with the step great grandmother and the boy but this was the first time we had heard it that the mother is involved too. So we need to hear the real story and if the kids get split up we will never have access to the boys file just the girls. So unless we can have this dialogue with the father we will never know the truth.

    On the up swing The Universe has sent many positive distractions! I am learning many many things and reading like a nut so this is good!

    I have to potty have a good long weekend all! Smoooooooooooootchies miss you all! xoxo Brenda
  19. Jane_Canuck

    Jane_Canuck New Member

  20. Jane_Canuck

    Jane_Canuck New Member

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