FIVESUE Your advice Please

Discussion in 'Spirituality/Worship' started by kch64, Apr 2, 2006.

  1. kch64

    kch64 New Member


    Fivesue, please give me your honest opinion. I really need Godly counsel from another woman on this:

    I am really considering divorce very strongly, or at least a trial separation.

    I know that God hates divorce, but I don't know if I can stay in a relationship where I don't feel love.

    And I haven't felt much from the beginning. Am I to waste the rest of my life on this marriage just because of my vows?

    I thought marriage is a two-way street?

    I feel alone much of the time with him. He sleeps a lot because he feels sick. I understand and I have done everything humanly possible at this point to help him.

    I'm 42 years old. I'm still fairly young.

    The only reason he needs me is to help him with household stuff.

    Am I wrong? Please tell me am I wrong? I need some advice.

    K
  2. fivesue

    fivesue New Member

    (I have not been ignoring you, Kendra. I just looked and saw that you had asked. My husband and I were gone all this weekend, so I didn't get on the board until this 4/3/06 in the morning and in the afternoon on this Worship board. Sorry....hope you are hanging in there! Hope you understand my delay! (-: )

    I know about marriage and I know about divorce. I have had both. The first marriage ended because my husband had an affair, left us, then a failed reconciliation and a divorce. Divorce is a terrible thing to endure even in the best of circumstances. Clearly, God cited unfaithfulness as a grounds for divorce, but He doesn't do it lightly. Divorce is very destructive...it hurts many people, and even though I had been betrayed and felt no love for him and he felt none for me, divorce was devastating. It was as if part of me was being ripped away which it was in acutality.

    Do I regret it? In a way, yes. I regret that the whole incident happened and that the unfaithfulness was more than I could forgive or forget and something he couldn't repent of. Am I happier now? Yes, I am. I was happier being single than being married to my first husband. I was single from 1989 until 2000.

    My second husband is a wonderful man who was a good friend for years before our marriage. His wife was also unfaithful to him and had be before this last time. He just couldn't take her unfaithfulness and her terrible meaness anymore.

    The divorce was nasty! Although he is happier now and literally alive now (he was near suicide), the divorce was a horrible experience that hurt many people. My husband's family was glad because she had been so terrible to him and to them.

    So, all I can do is say what I understand is that God hates divorce mostly BECAUSE of the PAIN and LOSS that it brings. I don't know about the Biblical grounds....some say no grounds ever, some say adultry only, and others cite abuse, relationship issues, etc. I don't know that answer. But I do know that at times during the divorce, I wished we could just stop and go back to the way things were before the adultry, just stop all this crazy pain and this fighting. But, it could never be.

    I cannot tell you whether you are wrong or not. You will have to decide what is right as you talk to God, read the Bible and talk to others. I hope that I have illustrated that divorce isn't easy and that there are pros and cons that you need to really assess before you make a decision like that.

    Many people will separate for a time; for it to be successful, counselors suggest that individual and couple counseling take place during this time. If either brings a third party into the mix, it usually seals the fate of the marriage.

    I will pray for you. I will pray that God will give you the wisdom to decide His best for you. I believe you should talk to a Christian counselor or to your pastor or someone who can help direct you in a positive direction....and by that, I don't mean to stay married. I mean a positive direction for you and for your husband whatever may become of the marriage.

    Dear Kendra....Take care. I will continue to pray for you and for your husband and for God's best to be done in your lives.

    Love,
    Sue
    [This Message was Edited on 04/03/2006]
  3. kch64

    kch64 New Member


    I just read your note and I understand that you were delayed and that's fine. I thank you for responding.

    I know a divorce would be a very hard thing to endure. It would be more than I can imagine probably.

    There has been no adultery that I'm aware of, but If things don't change, I hope I'm not the one who commits it.

    I don't want too. But this is getting hard to take. I can't see living the rest of my life with no affection or sex. No feeling loved. He's my friend and a good friend and we are companions.

    Within the first three months of marriage, I felt I had not married the right man.

    I have talked with many people and they suggested the same thing you have. Make sure before going ahead.

    I will pray very hard about this. I don't want to make a foolish decision.

    Thank you for the time you took to answer me. I am feeling a bit more even emotionally today.

    I had a very hard heart-to-heart talk with him yesterday, and laid it on the line.

    He was sick a large part of the night with diarreah(sp) and feeling his heart pounding in his chest.

    Right now, neither of us would be financially sound to divorce. It wouldn't be a good move financially.

    Sue, I was always telling my mom how unhappy I was with him.

    However, we are comfortable now like a pair of old shoes, so that would be hard also.

    Thank you again. Thanks for your prayers.

    God Bless You Too.
    Kendra
  4. fivesue

    fivesue New Member

    And, I am glad you and he talked the other night. That was a good thing. I can't imagine living with a person for many years without any affection. How hard for you. I am so sorry.

    Aren't you glad that you have God to talk to? And, God has given you people to also talk to and see what they say and what they have experienced.

    I hope that you don't feel that my note was judgmental because it was not intended that way at all. I was just trying to explain to you what I have been through and what others I know have. Not all the Christian people I know have had spouses commit adultry before divorce. It just was the way it was in my case. I just know that it is a huge step and financially, it can be devastating. I am thankful that I was able to get my teaching credential and make a decent salary for the years after the divorce. However, I was living on a very small amount while I finished that up.

    So, I am praying for you, and I can also understand fully the thought of living very unhappily for the rest of your life. Please know you have a friend and a supporter in your corner!

    Blessings,
    Sue


    [This Message was Edited on 04/03/2006]
  5. kch64

    kch64 New Member


    Sue,

    Thanks and no, I didn't find it judgemental at all. I know that you were explaining the situation and I appreciate it.

    I can't afford (financially and otherwise) to throw my marriage away, but I'm planning financially to handle it if it comes.

    I need to be patient and pray and wait. So that's what I'll do.

    He's on my medical insurance, so If I left him, he wouldn't have any. I will wait and see. I told him that I'm not kidding though. That I'm very serious.

    Thanks for everything and you support is most appreciated.

    Kendra
  6. fivesue

    fivesue New Member

    and I'm quite sure God will lead you in the direction you should go. You are making plans and not just jumping into something. Very wise.

    Hope the rest of the week is good, and I'm also very glad you really laid it on the line with your husband. Now, it's in his court. Time will tell.

    Do talk care, and I will continue to pray for you.

    Sue