FM can change you personality

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by code34me, Jan 29, 2006.

  1. code34me

    code34me New Member

    Just have an urge to write this down. I use to be pretty cool. I have survived alot of things. I am an EMT and use to work on an ambulance for 15 years. I was so strong and sure of myself. I was a great EMT and loved what I did. I have a 13 years old daughter from first husband who passed away at 28 years old. I now have a 3 years old son from husband now. I am stuck! I am not happy! I dont like my husband, I have come to find out he is not as nice as he portrayed to be 6 years ago. I hurt all of the time! I was DX with FM about 5 years ago. I want to leave but am haveing a hard time doing it. I have been staying home with my son since he was born. My FM has gotten worse in the last 3 years. I believe it is becasue of all the friction I live with. There was a time I would have said "Hey I dont deserve this and neither does my daughter!!!!!" Now I am like what the heck am I going to do? I dont feel like I can work and take care of children also. I am so depressed. I question myself all the time. I am just kind of lost feeling? I was just thinking wow what a different person you become when you hurt and struggle to just get through a day! I cant apply for disablity because I worked for the school dist. for a couple of years befor I had my son as a Health Tech. and they do not pay into SS. And since I have stayed home with my son and daughter for the last 3 years my time I am allowed to apply has run out. I have not payed into SS for 5 years and they say I am not eligable now? But what about the 20 years I did work????? I feel so not me and so strange for not being srong. Anyone else feel this way? Would like someone to relate to. Thanks Codey
  2. rockinrobin

    rockinrobin New Member

    that you do not qualify for social security disability. You worked and paid in to it for quite aa while. I would think you would qualify. Was it actually your social security office you spoke with? There are 2 different kinds through social security, one is based on your husbands income. That is NOT the one you want. Make sure you are applying only for the one off your income. I know you DO have to have so many credits built up to qualify, but (& I COULD be wrong), I would think 5 yrs of working would give you enough, but it could possibly vary state to state. I wish you luck. I know how it feels to be "stuck". That was my 1st marriage for over 11 yrs. Good luck, I'll say a little prayer for you! Hugs!
  3. Sheila1366

    Sheila1366 New Member

    I know I just get so mad at my body for turning on me like this.I was so mad at my husband for a long time.We have been married 18 yrs. and it has been hard cause most of those years I was home and not feeling well.I hate it took him this long to come around but he has.Sometimes when I hurt real bad and he goes back to his old insensitive self I have the same thoughts that you do.And I have to say that you are an amazing person for doing the line of work that you did.Being an EMS is a very tough job emotionally and physically.You have to be strong to do that line of work.And you still are strong.You make it through each and everyday all the while taking care of children and other things around the house.Not an easy job when you are in constant pain and so tired.

    I was told the same thing about getting ssdi.I don't get it but that seems to be the way it goes.

    Well, I hope you get to feeling better if not just keep posting.I have had many great responses from the people on this message board and the support has really helped.
    Sheila
  4. code34me

    code34me New Member

    Thank you All for replying! As I was reading your reply I started thinking that I have not lost my spirit or else I would not care but I do. And I am evaluating my situation all the time. My mind is always thinking of what I could do to make things better for me and my children. I will not settle, it is just harder now with this FM and CFS. It would be worse not to do anything so I am just mustering up the energy, planning and thinking out loud. Thanks for being out there somewhere for me! Codey
    [This Message was Edited on 01/29/2006]
    [This Message was Edited on 01/29/2006]
  5. lurkernomore

    lurkernomore New Member

    It is understandable that you would feel lost. I liked your description of feeling like a ghost, although it was a sad comment, I totally identified with it.

    I recently started taking voice lessons because I wanted to sing in the church choir. I am pretty certain that I am going to have to give them up because the energy it takes just to get there sets me back for the rest of the week. But as much as I love to sing and although I sang solos in front of hundreds of people in school, I felt I needed these lessons because I felt so inferior to all the other singers in our choir.

    When I told my mother of my feelings of inferiority, her question was "what has happened to you? You used to be one of the most self confident, cocky, sure of yourself people in the world." She was right, I was once so sure of myself it was crazy. Now I second guess myself on everything and it stinks.

    Why do we get this way? All I can think of is that we wake up each day with pain and go to bed with pain. And if, during the course of that day, we make mention of it to anyone, we stand a very good chance of being doubted, ridiculed, or told that what is wrong with us either does not exist or that it is a wastecan dx. We are either told we are depressed, attention seeking or all those other kind and compassionate things we get told.

    So we retreat into ourselves and stop talking about the pain as a defense mechanism. We stop sharing what our lives have become. And somewhere along the way, we lose the real "us," as in what our truth is now. And by losing the truth, we lose the confidence and the *strong us* we once were. I am sorry, I did not mean to sound like a downer and this very well may not be the case for everyone dealing with fibro. But I feel that when we can no longer be true and real with those we love, we lose ourselves. And getting that back is something that I have not found the answer to at this point.
  6. sues1

    sues1 New Member

    I know about how we hurt and sometimes it is next to impossible to smile or show pleasure. Who wants to be around a crank? So I work on not being that way. I have found myself looking at a complete stranger, or family member or a friend and frowning, or glaring like. It is not them that I am reacting to, but a sudden pain. So I work on that also......

    So I tell them (not the strangers) that I do that sometimes, because sometimes that hits just as they told me something and I must look as if I am giving an negative response.

    OK...On S.S. I know disabled people that get SSI...a social security income (I think that is what it stands for) and some have barely worked or not at all. I am curious on that.
    It is not like welfare, but similiar. I have done voluntary work with some of them and they get a monthly check, food stamps, Medicade, also can get help with gas and electric bills, many sign up for the free food baskets for Thanksgiving and Christmas. They are also eligable for other things.

    They do not get a lot, but they are able to survive. They can only have so much money, a car that is worth a certain amount and such. Some owns their homes so they get a little less, as they do not have to pay rent, but they do pay house upkeep.....etc.

    I never understood why this comes from S.S. I do not know what all you have to do to qualify. Can anyone fill us in on it?

  7. Dee50

    Dee50 New Member

    Yes I does change you. I simply wish to be left alone nowdays. To much pain,fatigue and brain fog to be out in public. No help in sight. I'm trying diffent things I see here at this forum but just not making much headway. I will never give up the fight I just wish I knew what I'm fighting.
    Dee50
    [This Message was Edited on 02/02/2006]
  8. lurkernomore

    lurkernomore New Member

    Your line "I just wish I knew what I was fighting, really grabbed at my heart. Because I suspect that we must all feel this way, deep down inside.

    I *think* what we want, what we CRAVE is for others to care enough about us to have the desire to educate themselves to the point that they know and have a clearer understanding of what our lives are like now and how much has changed for us.

    I know that my biggest frustration, silly as it sounds, is when people ask me if I am feeling better now. Better than what? Better than when I first got up, better than yesterday and if so, do they really know that if I do feel better right this minute, it doesn't mean I will be better altogether, forever and always.

    I apologize if this sounds bitter. It really was not my intention. But you are correct when you say that it is so often easier to simply be left alone than try and figure out a gracious way to answer these questions when there is no real answer. Sometimes the old grump in me begs to cry out to others, "read up on chronic pain and then you would know." It isn't like AA where one takes it one day at a time. With us, it is more like one hour at a time and everything can change in an hour. But then, I also understand that if one has not experienced this, they just cannot grasp that. Hence the just being left alone part. Okay, just read what I wrote here and it is official-I AM an old grump, ha ha!
  9. debfee11

    debfee11 New Member

    Unbelievable... Of all days to be reading your post. I know just how you feel. Try and look toward this site where our commaradry in pain & depression makes us feel like we are real in our ailments because we all "get" it. Not like the people who sympathize with us who can't possibly know how we feel. And LURKERNOMORE , I was sobbing by the time I finished reading your reply. I love all of you. Pls read my post today "Explotion on me" and you'll know where I'm at today. love Debness XXX
  10. lenasvn

    lenasvn New Member

    Here is a fantastic group a lady runs, she is a great resource, she knows so much about the runarounds with Social security and disability applications. Try it out. This page got lots of good info too.

    http://groups.msn.com/SocialSecurityDisabilityCoalition
  11. SusanEU

    SusanEU New Member

    I was just thinking about this yesterday, and I was thinking about how much fun I used to be and having a good living and energetic for my career. I used to feel so pretty and upbeat and quick with a joke. I didn't think I would end up middle aged, alone, sick and broke.

    My faith in God is shaken which I never thought would happen.

    Lotsa love, Sue