FMS and abuse

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Copper2002, Sep 10, 2002.

  1. Copper2002

    Copper2002 New Member

    Hi all,
    I am having the crummiest of crummy days today. So, I'm turning to you to vent and for questions.

    I know lots of us were physically/sexually abused, either as kids, adults, or both. My question is: how many others had these experiences? I'm curious to know if it is the majority of us, and if this is a possible causal factor or precipitator.

    As for my day, one of the abusers (family member) from my past intends to visit my family today! It hasn't been spoken of since the single event. I THOUGHT I had passed thru, and let go of this mess. Never happened to me before, but I THINK I just had a full blown anxiety attack!


    I have seen him, briefly, at family gatherings 3-4 times in the last 30+ years, and he's called about as often. In that time, I have contacted him one time, requesting his assistance in a family issue, which he refused.

    So, he's supposed to be here anytime now. For the first time, I'm ready to confront him and send him away. This is where you can help:

    I'm looking for that GREAT phrase that makes his jaw drop, and no mistaking my intense dislike, yet is still polite, professional even, and within the bounds of good taste. Even if you can't provide this in time for today's main event, there is always that next time he calls.

    Thanks for being here!

    ------------------
    Copper
    Let Miracles Replace all Grievances

  2. Copper2002

    Copper2002 New Member

    Hi all,
    I am having the crummiest of crummy days today. So, I'm turning to you to vent and for questions.

    I know lots of us were physically/sexually abused, either as kids, adults, or both. My question is: how many others had these experiences? I'm curious to know if it is the majority of us, and if this is a possible causal factor or precipitator.

    As for my day, one of the abusers (family member) from my past intends to visit my family today! It hasn't been spoken of since the single event. I THOUGHT I had passed thru, and let go of this mess. Never happened to me before, but I THINK I just had a full blown anxiety attack!


    I have seen him, briefly, at family gatherings 3-4 times in the last 30+ years, and he's called about as often. In that time, I have contacted him one time, requesting his assistance in a family issue, which he refused.

    So, he's supposed to be here anytime now. For the first time, I'm ready to confront him and send him away. This is where you can help:

    I'm looking for that GREAT phrase that makes his jaw drop, and no mistaking my intense dislike, yet is still polite, professional even, and within the bounds of good taste. Even if you can't provide this in time for today's main event, there is always that next time he calls.

    Thanks for being here!

    ------------------
    Copper
    Let Miracles Replace all Grievances

  3. Shirl

    Shirl New Member

    I have not had that experience, but I have children and grandchildren and it is a fear that lives with us all in these terrible times.

    I don't have an expression or saying for you, but you are in my thoughts and prayers.

    I do know that there is a 'Judge' that does not do 'plea bargainings', and someday he will stand before this Judge for his evil deed.

    Try not to be upset, it is he who should be ashamed, and unable to face you.

    Shalom, Shirl
  4. karen2002

    karen2002 New Member

    Copper--I know how hard today has been for you. You said you thought you "had passed thru, and let go of this mess".
    In my humble opinion, I don't believe one can ever truly let go. After all, all that happens in our pasts forms who we are today. After many years of hashing and rehashing, and trying to come to terms with my own experiences, I have come away with the following, which has given me peace, finally. Instead of "letting go", so to speak, I have let it "be" me. Today I am a product of all that has happened to me; my life experiences in the past. I really like the person I have become. I believe I have good character, and values. I believe I am strong in my convictions. I believe I am compassionate to others sufferings. I got to this place, to who I am now---by all the events in my life---the good and the bad. Although terribly unpleasant at the time, and even through the years being flooded with memories, those bad events have made me who I am today. So although, I can be appalled by the acts, I can be thankful of the person, (myself), that came forth and was shaped, because of them. Good can come out of the bad.
    I also think that no matter how we try, we can never make a person that has abused, come to our way of thinking, or understand the damage they have inflicted. I don't think there are any words we can utter that are convincing. We cannot control their perceptions or ellicit remorse, but we can control our own, and be proud of the persons we have become.
    so....I am holding your hand, you keep your chin up, girl!
    karen
  5. PAT

    PAT New Member

    I can relate, and I wish I had the perfect thing for you to say. I know that for me, just knowing that I am strong and have a good life IN SPITE of what was done to me keeps my head high when face to face with the abusers. I don't mean to sound like it never bothers me, or that you shouldn't be upset at all. I just feel like they took enough of my life when I was too young to fight back, and I WON'T let them shake my confidence, or keep my stomach in knots. A person can only have as much of a relationship with you as you let them, and you don't HAVE to even speak to anyone beyond 'hello' if you don't want to! I hope someone can come up with something great for you to say. I do feel that you can look someone right in the eye and convey a lot of meaning in one look. Keep yur head up high! Patti G
  6. Achy-shaky

    Achy-shaky New Member

    "What you did to me was a horrible thing and I forgive you because only God has the right to judge you."
    This does not mean that you need to have any kind of relationship with this person - it just sets you free to get on with your life.

    And yes, I was abused as a child and by x-husband. Therapy helped me see that I was only hurting myself by holding on to the hurt and anger & recommended trying this approach - it helped me!
    Please let us know how the meeting went.
    Bless you!
  7. Hippo

    Hippo New Member

    I just wanted to comment that I have not been molested, but have gone through a lot of verbal abuse, most recently in my 18 year marriage with an uncaring narcissist. My symptoms are the worst they've ever been, some days I can hardly walk. I have to attribute the worsening of my symptoms to the fact that my Ex dumped me, is trying to cut off my spousal support, and cares nothing what becomes of me. I am afraid that my children will have to take care of me when they grow up.

    Hippo
  8. herblady

    herblady New Member

    i was a victim of physical, mental and sexual abuse as a child. the whole thing is embarrassing. the only reason i mention it is the possibility that it could have something to do with my fm. i'm in therapy for it right now. anyone else? cindi
  9. Copper2002

    Copper2002 New Member

    You all are AWESOME! Yesterday was SOOOOOOOO hard, and every chance I could I would come and read your words of encouragement. It helped me tremendously.

    I ended up not having to seem him. He called just before his intended arrival and I told him not to come and why! It was tough, tough, tough!

    At first, I maintained a professional cool, but as the call went on, I was in tears at the end. S.O.B. didn't even REMEMBER what he did! ARGH!

    Sorry to any guys that are on this board, but, human design is in error- males would function MUCH better if their brains were not in the penis. It is not right that they can destroy something so precious as trust, love, and safety, and move on with never a thought for their actions. I know this doesn't apply to ALL men, and I am a man lover, not hater. But, I believe that EVERY man has been totally thoughtless in sexual encounters at least one time in his life. I do NOT know this to be true of ANY woman I have met in my 51 years.

    I have gone through counseling many times, each time being told that I had adjusted, accepted, moved on, whatever, through my history. That's why yesterday was such a shocker. But, thanks to these posts, I realize I hadn't truly forgiven him. Now that he knows, and really was horrified, contrite, and apologetic, perhaps forgiveness can happen. We'll see. I think yesterdays catharsis was good.

    Anyhoo, with your marvelous support, today I'm back to me, and ready to rock 'n roll!

    hugs,
    Copper
    Today I LET Miracles Replace all Grievances
  10. sybil

    sybil New Member

    i have never experienced physical/sexual abuse when i was younger.though i had to live through my parents bad marriage for 11 years,that was quite traumatic.i don't have a brilliant relationship with my mother,she can be a nasty piece of work at times,but i don't live near her and i don't allow her to control or manipulate me anymore,

    sybilxxx
  11. TeaBisqit

    TeaBisqit Member

    In my case, the abuser lived in my house and I was molested from the time I was nine years old till I was thirteen. I lived in terror every day of my childhood and teen life. I do blame the stress of that on making a dent in my immune system. I do not believe that you can live under that kind of stress and not have it affect your health. I was finally able to confront the abuser when I was about twenty one, but at that time I had gotten very sick with this illness and I think it really came out because I refused to die without everyone knowing what this animal had done to me. You never get over it and you never really put it behind you. You just kind of make peace with it. It happened, it's in the past, it cannot be changed, but it will never happen to me again. And the abuser will never harm another ever again. I don't even remember what I said that started the whole confrontation thing. I remember telling my mother. And then she confronted the animal in front of me. And then later everyone knew about it. And I didn't care if they believed me or not because it happened and it was the truth.

    TeaBisqit
  12. PAT

    PAT New Member

    I do have to say that his claim of 'not remembering' is BULL. One abuser I confronted used this line also, then years later finally admitted it to me over the phone. But no matter what what said, if there was true remorse and you are able to forgive, then your life will take a turn for the better!! I am happy that you did it, and know that it is easier to go on and enjoy life when the bitterness is gone. Have a great day! Patti G
  13. Dara

    Dara New Member

    I was so happy to read your post telling how you confronted your abuser. I never did confront the person who sexually abused me, I was afraid to upset the "family". You have given me the courage to finally discuss this with my therapist, whom I will be seeing today in about two hours. It's really sad when you're in therapy, but am too ashamed and embarassed to tell your therapist. The only positive thing that ever came from my abuse is that when my two daughters were growing up I drilled it into them that if "anyone" ever said or did anything that didn't feel right or made them uncomfortable they had to tell someone, if not me then a teacher, grand-parent, any adult who would help them and that they trusted. I do agree with something that someone else posted, the abuser doesn't "forget" what he has done, he just hopes that you have forgotten it. I say "good for you" that you had the nerve to stand up to him after all this time. We are not responsible for what happens to us as children, but now I've decided I need to face this secret from my past and hopefully move on. Good Luck to you Copper.

    Dara