For Elaine

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by kjade, Mar 16, 2008.

  1. kjade

    kjade New Member

    Hi Elaine-

    I thought I would start a separate post to you this time. I will have to be rather quick today - I have to bake 2 cakes for a double Birthday party today. I am making one Angel Food cake with strawberries, and the other a green shamrock topped with green icing. Then I have to get the kids ready.

    I just wanted to say THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for everything you wrote on my other had me in tears when I read that. I was very proud of you when I read your story about burning your bricks. That was a very inspirational story....then I choked up when I read that you looked in the sky and thanked your father! Thank you for sharing such a special story with me. I appreciate you thanking me for helping you, but you did this on your own.

    You are so really no longer have anything to fear, and neither do I. It's funny....often times the things we tend to fear most really never come to pass anyway. As someone who has suffered most of my adult life with panic attacks/anxiety disorder I can confirm that....the things that have had me in such a state of terror for so many years have not happened. Makes no sense to sit and worry about them (although that is still very hard for me) unless something ever did really happen.

    It made me feel very good to read that you have seen positive changes in me. Sometimes I feel so dragged down (like today) that it's hard to see anything positive.

    The other day, I went to my Rheumy for a check up. He is the one that has always been rather hard on me. He gets frustrated with me cause I stop taking meds he wants me to take because I can't stand the side effects, and they never really work anyway. I have been taking Lyrica since 9/07 with no good results, so I have stopped it, and have been feeling very sick - which I assume is from withdrawl.

    Anyway, he kept telling me he doesn't know what more to do for me since he (and my other Drs) has tried everything, and nothing seems to help me. I was ready to cry, thinking he was yelling at me again....then he asked me "How did you get to be so tough"?

    I thought he meant that I am such a "tough" patient because he cannot figure out how to treat me and my body is so resistant to anything that may help. Then he went on to say that I have been one of his more difficult patients - he said I have Fibro, and I have a really bad case of it, but he will continue to help me fight to get better. I never thought I have a bad case of this - I mean, how is that measured anyway? I don't feel so tough - it is hard for me to even type this right now.

    I'm not sure why I wrote about that - I just wanted to tell someone who understands. When I told dh about the appt and how all my blood work was fine, he just said "well then see there is nothing wrong with you then"...after all this time, I still can't get him to understand. Even though he tries. Last night I felt so ill (like I had the flu) - I kept getting chills really bad, and my head hurt. We were in the car, and my kids laughing and carrying on (like normal children) was driving me insane. I couldn't take the noise anymore. It made me feel so awful.......

    Anyway, are you ok? How are things with you? You haven't written lately about any new dates or anything....are you going through a dry spell? (lol!) I miss your "TO ALL" messages about the different guys you were dating and all the funny replies you would get.

    Oh and the Jason thread was very funny - I enjoyed reading everything that was written there. I did find his myspace page and tried to add him to my friends list, but it wouldn't allow me to - he must have closed it or something. Oh well...I will have to try something else.

    Hope you are doing well, and thanks again for everything you wrote to me.
    [This Message was Edited on 03/16/2008]
  2. kjade

    kjade New Member

    That may be one of the things you don't know about me, but I am a pretty good cook, and I have always loved to bake cakes. Unfortunately, I don't always feel up to cooking anymore since I am always so exhausted. Since I was little, I have always been into baking. My cakes are always like a work of art, more than just dessert. I make all different shapes, and I always add something to the cake (either fruit, decorations, flowers) to make it pretty.

    Also, I always have thrown huge b-day parties for my kids. I started doing this when my 1st was 1, and I haven't been able to tone it down since. The child will have a "theme" of their own choosing. Then I will create a magical party around their theme. It will take me weeks to plan the menu, and the decorations.

    My parties tend to turn out like catered events. I have told everyone that I just can't do it anymore, because of the expense and the amount of work involved, but then I think everyone who comes almost expects these great parties complete with 30 balloons, fancy cakes, hor'duerevs (sp?) and a table full of delicious food. Everyone actully brings their own tupperware to my parties so they can take something home. Well.....I'm getting ready for my son's b-day in 2 weeks, so I need to start planning. I have been told by many that I should be a caterer or party planner. I was also told by someone who is a chef that I should own my own restaurant. Talk about a COMPLIMENT!!

    Anyway, our writing back & forth has been very healing for me too - in many ways. I don't know if I ever told you that. And no, you are not being "pushy or rude" by saying we are life-long friends. Cause I feel the same. I feel like you really understand a way that even some of my closest friends don't. I feel very blessed to have found you here, and made such a connection.

    Now you have me talk about how getting rid of the bricks has opened you up to new things....what are you referring to? You can't leave me hanging like that!!

    Well, you asked about my Dr....WOW - when I actually thought about it, I have been to about the same # as you have, not counting my therapists/psychiatrists. I had one Dr who I liked a lot - he was trying for so many years to help me - I knew he truly was trying. Then one day, he just up and left medicine altogether - not just his practice, but he quit being a Dr. I was devastated - although at the time, I had no idea what FM even was.

    I have been to so many Drs over the years, and my current Rheumy is the only one who talks about FM (he dx'ed me). The thing that bothers me about him is, he is very stuck to his own opinions. I have asked him if I could be tested for Lyme and he blew me off. I also mentioned MPS, and he just said "no, that's not what you have" - even though I know from all my reading that I do. He also told me when he first dx'ed me that I should never join any message boards, as I will only get a lot of misinformation, and may be frightened by what I read. Well....thank goodness I didn't listen to him on that one! I don't know where I'd be without this board!!

    I have thought about changing Drs, but I do like this one - he is very kind (most of the time) and I guess I'm afraid that another Dr will say I don't have FM - that it is all in my head. (which is all I ever heard for 12 yrs). Even my pain management Dr and my chiro don't seem to acknowledge that I really have FM - the chiro tells me I just hold too much tension in my neck and shoulders (sorry, that's not my only symptom) and pain mgt Dr makes jokes that I need Xanax and a vacation.

    You're right - everyone is different. I have chucked so many meds in the trash over the years, because #1: I don't like to take them, and #2: they usually don't work for me. I think my current Dr is frustrated cause I think he wants to help, but I'm not being an "easy" or "good" patient by doing what he says and getting better. In fact, I feel like I keep getting worse.

    Yes, the Jason thing DOES "perk me up"! Sometimes life can be dull, and when you are in so much pain, and feel so depressed, something like a silly little crush can really brighten my day! Just look how different I sound when I write about him! It brings out my silly side, and I forget, even for a little bit, how truly miserable I feel. And who knows.....maybe one day I WILL meet him! Oh, I would probably just pass out - I get so nervous around these "crushes" that I can't speak, and I get dizzy.

    Why are you "keeping a lid" on DATING? I need to know what is going on!!?? Why are you leaving me in the dark on that one? Well, I guess you never know about lurkers and stuff....too bad we can't exchange e-mails or have private messages here.

    Well, I'm glad to hear you are very busy with things! Good for you! I will pray for you that you find the job you really want, and it's a good change for you. I'm proud of you for sending your resumes, and will find what you are searching for. For me, I wish I could work PT - that would be my ultimate dream. But for now, I have to just keep trucking along!!

    Oh and I just love when you "pester" me - you have always made me feel so important, and like I belong here, and like I have someone who really cares for me. I feel like you know me - like we have been friends for life. And yes, I understand what you mean about looking in the mirror, because I have always felt the same way about you.

    Hope you have fun at Cheers!! I want to hear all about it! (and don't leave anything out!)

  3. kjade

    kjade New Member

    Hi Elaine-

    What has happened to all of our recent posts? Were they deleted by you or were they lost when the board went down? I had replied to you on a couple of your threads, and my replies are now gone!

    Also, I was searching for the most recent one you wrote about your current "flame" because I wanted to comment on it, and the whole thing is gone! Is it just me? I feel like I'm losing it!

    I am sorry about the interview, but I'm sure something better will come along - soon enough. Are you sure you can't negotiate a higher salary with this co if they liked you so much?

    Also, how are things going with the new guy? Like I said, I was looking for the thread, and I don't see it - I wanted to see if you had added anymore info.

    Well, I hope to hear from you soon!!
  4. kjade

    kjade New Member

    Oh, thank you Bob for the info - I really hope those posts are restored - I had quite a few I see are missing, and some were fun and I enjoy going back to them and reading them again from time to time. Anyway, how are YOU doing? I hope everything is ok with you, considering all you are going through right now. I hope you have a nice Easter.

    I was going to name this post "Oh No!!" but then I saw that I named my previous post the same thing, so I didn't want to duplicate. Well, you seem very depressed. You certainly sound like you have had a rough week. What can I do to help?

    On the job issue, I was going to suggest that maybe you take the job, cause it might get your foot in the door, and eventually you could earn more money. But then I saw that you were collecting SS - I didn't know that. It is such a shame that people would have to choose not to take a job because they would lose a benefit they are entitled to.

    Well, it was only the 1st interview, so keep your chin up. Something MUCH MUCH better will come along soon....I just know it! And it's good to hear that they wanted to hire you, on your first interview! That says GREAT things about you!! I have been on so many interviews over the years (trying to get out of the place I work for now) and not ONE place ever offered me the job! I could not have taken any of those jobs because the pay was too little, but it did a number on my self-esteem when I realized no one wanted me!

    Have you ever tried an employment agency? I got my current job through one. You need to get with a really good, reputable company though. NOT one that posts dozens of ads in the paper promising huge salaries - those agencies are garbage, and should all be shut down! I've been through my share of those.

    The place I went through was a tiny little place, that only deals with big companies that pay big bucks for new hires. This agency got paid even more if the company decided after 6 months to hire you permanently. I know this from the bookkeeping I used to do there. Just a thought....

    About the new guy....I am so sorry you are feeling so bad, and sorry about what happened, but remember....."tomorrow is another day" (is that quote from Gone with the Wind?). I can tell from everything you have written to me, that you REALLY dig this guy, and he seems very nice. It seemed like things were moving along quite well for you.

    If you weren't feeling well, and you were tired, it is completely understandable that you reacted the way you did. If he really likes you, he will understand - at least you have told him upfront what to expect. You know....some days I absolutely can't STAND my husband! Everything he does irritates me, and I don't even want to be around him. There are times he takes my behavior personally, which upsets me so much, because it is not my intention to make HIM feel is just that I feel so bad, and have no patience for his nonsense.

    You asked "How can I possibly pick between following something my heart wants ---- trying to stay super focused on pursuing a job, selling on Ebay Auctions, sticking to my doctors rules and maintaining my health???" I really don't think you are being forced to choose between these things. You sound like you are getting scared again, and I don't want to see you lose something that might be really great for you because you feel like you have to make a choice.

    Is the guy just wanting to consume too much of your time and that is making you uncomfortable?? Or is it just that you are feeling really low, and you feel like you may have just snapped at him? You know I consider you my friend, and I'm trying to be honest here...I do think you are short-changing yourself, just like he was emphasizing.

    Look, if he really likes you (and he must! Why else would he have run out and bought you the necklace for your interview if he wasn't interested - that was so sweet!) I'm sure he will be fine with everything. Have you been staying up super late talking to him on the phone? I sure hope you didn't take your meds if you did! LOL!! I also think you are leaving a little bit out of the story.

    In the short time I have known you, I have never really seen you act this excited about a relationship. I know it is new and all (from what you have said) but I think you really like him, and I think everything will be ok.

    I don't like to hear that you have lost 8 lbs in one week! That is NOT good! You need to settle down a little bit, and re-focus your energy. You need to get your strength back, and remember....this too shall pass.

    I guess I am a little confused, cause I keep going back and re-reading your reply while I type. Are you saying that you have broken things off for good with him? I hope not....just give it time.

    Now, I am not trying to sound like a total goof or anything, but are you one of those people that are affected by the full moon? Just wondering, cause I know a few people that are, and I always stay away from them if I know a full moon is coming. Trust me when I say, I know it is real! I have to talk to people at work, and when there is a full moon, every single person that calls is NASTY, and RUDE and CRANKY! We even have a calendar at work we pass around that shows when there are full moons! I know....that may all sound very silly, but it was just another stupid thought.

    You are just not yourself today, and I am worried about you. Where is the happy, bouncy Elaine I know and LOVE??? I hope she gets a good nights' rest, and is ready to conquer this "problem" tomorrow.

    If I don't talk to you, I hope you and your mom have a very lovely Easter too. Mine will be super busy and chaotic, but what day ISN'T around here? Oh, and it's so nice - we will be having a WHITE EASTER this year!! Just like last year! It is SNOWING AGAIN - we are supposed to get 6 more inches tonight!! YUCK! Yet, we have had a green Christmas for 2 years now.....this is just not right!! And Easter is too early this year, I don't like it.....who do I write to about that??

    Well, I hope to hear more from you very soon. I wish I could be there with you and give you a giant HUG!! And tell you it will all be ok.
  5. kjade

    kjade New Member

    Well, I guess I can understand now why you wouldn't want that job - 60% loss of income is much too one can afford that nowadays.

    I'm sorry to hear about that guy....things seemed like they were going so well. I guess I had some terrible advice in the previous post. I did not understand all that was going on.

    My dh certainly doesn't understand, so how can you get a brand new person to understand? The other day my dh was complaining about his knee pain (he has a torn ACL) and he was describing the pain, and I told him I knew exactly how that felt cause I feel that way all over my body every day. He told me that I have NO IDEA how much it hurts....he said "I know you get a little sore, but you have no idea how bad this really is. I never hear you complain about it". I just wanted to cry.......

    Then today I had such a hard time with the Easter stuff - my kids woke up all excited at 7 am (after I was up until almost 2 am getting everything ready) and I was so angry and tired and just was awful! I won't go on about that.

    But anyway, you really, really seemed like you liked this one. Have you heard from him at all?

    I truly hope you can work things out (if that's what you really want).