Discussion in 'Spirituality/Worship' started by Sunshyne1027, Nov 4, 2003.

  1. Sunshyne1027

    Sunshyne1027 New Member

    I have been holding in alot of grudges, hurts from the past. Didn't realize it until lately. It turned to bitterness. I consulted my therapist. He said I need to forgive. Forgive the people I hold the grudges against. Forgive myself too. He said to make a list of the things that I still hold inside, and won't let go of. the things that affect my everyday life, and the people around me. Working on that. He said the best thing to do after this is to confront the people I need to forgive, then say these things to them. Then burn, rid of the list.

    I hope it works. I think it will. Its so hard to forgive, why? Then he said that forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting. But that it means letting go and moving on. Make any sense to anyone? Anyone else do this?

    Read some on forgiveness, and some scriptures about forgiveness. Anyone else have to offer about forgiveness?

    It was hard for me to write about it. But then thought to myself, why not? I trust you all. Its been weighing heavy on my heart, and I needed to talk about it anyway.


  2. Shirl

    Shirl New Member

    The paragraph where you said; 'forgiveness does not mean forgetting' is exactly right. Only God has the ability to completely forgot. We as humans don't.

    I had one very serious problem with forgiving, its over with now but it took way too many years to actually forgive this person.

    I learned that holding grudges only hurts YOU, not the person that has wronged you. They go on with their lives, and we 'stew' in our own miserable thoughts.

    For you to heal, then you need to just give it up, and move on with your life.

    God gave me a mountain to climb in order for me to forgive this woman. He gave me the job of conforting her when my precious brother died.

    For almost 35 years my SIL lied, did dirty tricks, talked behind my back, and most of all turned my younger brother against me.
    Let me say here, that he was the only sibling that I had, and we never had an argument or disagreement in our lives. He was more like my son than my younger brother from the day he was born. I adored him.

    This was a case of jealously/envy on her part, she hated that we got along so well and felt that she needed to keep my children and myself away from him, no matter the cost to us.

    She is not from this country, and I won't mention her nationality, but her family was from the 'old school' in that country, and when they marry someone, they want to dispense with the other persons family as much as possible.

    She went right through my family, my MOther, my aunt, even one of my children she turned against me. She did this is such a subtle way, that by the time I realized what was going on, it was way too late to defend myself in anyway, she would lie, then say she didn't say that, that I misunderstood her (she spoke with a heavy accent, and used this to make others think they misunderstood her when it was to her advantage).

    She twisted everything I said or did, not to my face, but behind my back, and no one would ask me, or tell me what was going on.
    To be honest, they were afraid of my reaction, and what I would do about it.
    My personality does not include taking things without retaliation.

    The only thing I am thankful for is that 2 years before my brother died, he realized what she had done. But we simply did not speak about it. I loved him enough not to try and cause trouble in his family life. I am grateful till this day that I did not do anything in anyway to hurt him, as his life was short, and he had no children.

    After he passed away, guess who she was clinging to like a barnacle? ME! I could not believe this woman wanted me to confort her, when she caused me so much hurt for all those years, that it was me that she turned to in a time that my grief was as heavy as hers or maybe even more so.

    I got on my knees, and I begged God to send someone else to help her, I was trying to deal with my own grief for my brother, and I did not want to even speak to her anymore, and I though she would be thrilled to be rid of me, since she hated me for so many years, for nothing!.

    The only thing her and I had in common was 'gone', my brother! Why now, I asked the Lord? Why didn't she treat me like a friend which I would have been, had she just acted normal toward me all those years ago, why would she want me for a friend now??.

    He told me, this was my job, and I was to confort her in all ways! I was devastated by this. I wanted to simply go in my 'corner' and grieve my very soul out for my beautiful brother, for all the lost times we didn't have as adults, alone, not with someone who hated me all those years! Why me Lord???

    She had been that 'Thorn in my side' for over 30 years. It hurt my christan walk, it made my family take sides, and so on and so forth.

    But you know Sunshyne, God gave me His grace to help, and confort this person that hated me more than anyone could hate me in my life. Two years I listened to her, she called me 5 to 10 times a day after my brother died.

    How I did this, and yes, I had FM and was so very sick during this time.

    Only, and I do mean ONLY by the grace of God! When my mind would wander to all the ugly things she did to my children and myself, I simply asked the Lord to please, take this awful feeling I have toward her, and give me your PEACE to go on with this 'mountain' you have set before me to climb.

    Its been years now, but you know I have overcome all those things she did, and I do honestly forgive her, but I will never, and I do mean never forgot what she did, and how she did it. But my heart and soul is at peace now.

    She does not call me anymore, and I also thank the Lord for that also.

    My son and I have gotten all that she did to us straightened out so we are find together.

    My MOther died believing all her lies,before my brother, but thats alright also, as I know she is in heaven with my brother and father, and now they know the truth also. My father she never fooled, he was a hardheaded smart German that was not fooled easily by anyone.

    I do not know what people have done to you, but I do know that if you ask the Lord for His Peace concerning these people He is gracious and will give it to you in abundance.

    You will truly have to 'let go and let God' do this, as we are human, and cannot do this kind of forgiving by ourselves, not me anyway.

    It took a lot for me to write this(and this is a mini version at that), as I do not allow myself to think about it too much.
    I am over the grief she caused me, and I always ask the Lord for His forgiveness for her, as I have forgiven her for all the lost time I missed with my beloved brother, the trouble she caused me with my Mother,and my son, and the hell I lived through for all those years.

    She was jealous and envious, she even hated me because I had three children and she had none, in her 'mind', I was poor, she was rich, therefore the children should have been hers.
    That alone was a shocker to me when I found that out. Can you imagine someone struggling to raise three kids alone, and have another person envious of them??

    The Lord actually showed me that no matter what this woman had, it was what I had that made her life so terrible that she took all her hatred out on others, me being her biggest target.
    My brother left her a millionaire, but she has an empty life.
    I am still the person she hated, living from pay check to pay check. But am happy with my Lord and my life.

    Yes, I did witness to her, yes, I did all that the Lord showed me to do, but as far as I know she has never given her life to the Lord.
    As we know, we have a free will. Salvation is a free gift, but in order receive Him, we have to accept the gift.

    A Scripture I would recommend to you? this one;

    Proverbs; 30: 'A sound heart is the life of the flesh: but envy the rottenness of the bones'.

    I hope in some small way this testimony of grudges, hatred, envy and jealousy helps you find your way in forgiveness.

    I will keep you in my prayers, as I know I had asked many for prayer for myself while I went through this also.

    It is good to feel free of all this garbage, the Lord is marvelous, as I in no way, could have done this alone.

    Shalom, Shirl

  3. Sunshyne1027

    Sunshyne1027 New Member

    Thanks so much Takesha and Shirl for sharing with me and helping. Both of you helped so much. It will take time to forgive everything, you are so right Takesha. Some of the hurts run deep, and have been buried for a long time. They are not just little hurts, but hurts that run deep within the spirit. Some of them are still coming back.

    Its not just the abuse from childhood either. Its also abuse during the earlier years of my marriage.

    The scripture you shared, along with the time you took to write and post about your experience Shirl, it means alot to me, you are beutiful both of you!

    Its a hard topic to talk about I know.

  4. Takesha

    Takesha New Member

    I think your giving me credit for something I didn't post. However since I am here let me say that I understand how hard it is sometimes to just let go. My mother tried to kill me when I was three, my father was an alcoholic and left me with anyone who would care for me. My step brother molested me. I have had seveal abusive relationships
    "after" becoming a Christian. I finally learned that life, people and curcumstances will offer us many opportunities be be hurt, but we have a choice not to accept that hurt.
    I have lived a life that was very much NOT perfect and I know that I too have hurt others with my actions and words. I have found that in forgiving those who hurt me, I am judged less harshly when I blow it big time. I look at it as depositing forgiveness into an account I may someday need to withdraw from for myself. Forgiveness is a choice, we have to make up our minds to "walk in love" and when you act lovingly (even if its in thought) towards those who hurt you, you end up having less room for bitterness to creep in. Now, when I am faced with a situation that is painful and want to embrace the pain, I pray for that person. I pray that God will bless them in the same way I ask that he blesses me. I cannot hold anger or resentment while praying for someone and the people who would hurt us probably need such prayers.
    Now I look at forgiveness as allowing others the freedom to fail. In knowing that we are all human, and knowing how bad I can be in my state of humanness, I can know longer hold anyone to a higher standard than I myself can live up to. I am not saying that what was done to me was okay, but it happened and the sooner I stop giving that "thing" that happened power over me, the faster I will heal. My lack of forgiveness has always produced anger, mistrust,and fear and sometimes the feelings that I need to retaliate. These are things that only hurt me further. I have come to understand that the longer an incident that has happened in the past is able to produce negative feelings, the longer that "thing" is controling me. Letting go and forgiving is cutting the umbilical cord that has attached that pain to you. The negativity can no longer be fed to you through that attachment to the pain once you forgive and let go. Does that make sense?
    I pray that in the name of Jesus that the Father who is the giver of all good gifts will fill you with a supernatural godly love, so that you are able to love those who have harmed you. Please remember that "hurting people, hurt others" and most likely those who have hurt you are in much healing themselves.
    I hope this helps some.
    Hugs to you
  5. bakron

    bakron New Member

    Probably the hardest thing I've had to deal with was my first marriage, which was a very abusive relationship. As a Christian, I really had a time with the thought of leaving my husband. I was force out one night when I actually was in fear for my life.

    My biggest problem in forgiving was forgiving myself for leaving the marriage. My goodness, it was the roughest struggle I've ever had to live through! Forgiving my ex-husband was much easier than forgiving myself.

    Because I couldn't forgive myself, I put myself through so much agony. But you know the Holy Spirit stayed right there with me as I fought my way back to peace within my soul. It took years before I realized that it wasn't my fault!

    I did have to confront my own self and swallow a lot of my own pride. I have a "before" and an "after" life now - BD = before divorce and AD = after divorce. I can actually say that the Lord has made me stronger as a Christian and person in my "AD."

    One stumbling block that I have always had with forgiving another person was that I felt if they didn't ask for me to forgive, I didn't have to. Then some concepts from scripture hit me smack dab in the face! Even if the offender does not ask for forgiveness, God's command is to forgive (Mark 11:25). This means praying and relinquishing to God, the "right" to "get even." Actually, we have no "right" to "get even." God reserves to Himself the right to settle all accounts (Rom. 12:19). Well, I've forgiven my ex-husband for the abuse. I haven't forgotten the abuse and really don't want too. It reminds me of what the power of God is able to do and did do in my life, and I can now praise Him for the adversity that I had to go through!

    My prayers are with you as you walk where you have to go. Just know that the Holy Spirit will lead you and that Jesus will always be by your side.
  6. Sunshyne1027

    Sunshyne1027 New Member

    I have gotton so much understand from you gals on this issue. I am so glad I decided to go ahead and post about it.

    It was also trying to decide if it should be posted here, or should be posted on the abuse board. Forgiveness though is so connected to being a Christian, then within the Bible, scriptures. I wouldn't have gotton this far, or realized about forgiveness if it weren't for the past year and becoming a Christian.

    I understand, see, feel, know more about me now.

    I understand more about forgiveness, and how important it is to do so, in order to go that step further in loving myself and others.