Friend says repressed anger cause of my CFS

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by hollie9, Apr 26, 2010.

  1. hollie9

    hollie9 New Member

    My best friend who is into a lot of mind over body seminars, sent me an email with video of a doctor selling a $200 program for reducing stress, tension that causes illness including CFS with journaling, and using Horner's books about repressed anger being the cause of CFS and other illnesses.

    I went ballistic, but waited a few days before firing back an email blasting the program and the repressed anger theory. Now I feel horribly guilty for sending it to her.

    It's not that I disagree with all mind/body programs, I've done a lot of them but they've never cured my 16 year old CFS. I don't agree that repressed anger causes CFS and in fact have worked with an intuitive healer and psychologist for years rooting out any old or new emotions getting in the way of my health. But I'm still sick. I do feel lots of these "Dr.s", do prey on sick people to get their $200.

    This friend has been trying to nudge me into seeing things her way, she attends really expensive seminars on stuff like this. I usually ignore her, but this time just felt pushed too far.

    Has anyone else experienced this? I would hate to lose her friendship. Did I go too far setting boundaries?

    Now I do need to dump some feelings, I guess I can always do an EFT video on You Tube.

  2. quanked

    quanked Member

    it sounds like you have done lots of personal work which I believe is of great benefit for anyone who spends the time and inevitable money.

    I think like you do on this--the mind/body connection only goes so far.

    My friends (what few I have left) have never really tried to tell me what to do. I have one friend who forwards items on cfids that she thinks might be of use to me but never says much beyond that. I suspect one friend does not buy into the things I talk about in reference to these dd's but has not come out and said so far.

    I am too tired to spend time on battling with other people about my reality. Part of this comes from years in a very dysfunctional family of origin and the fact that I only have so much energy to spend these days--some days I have none. I cannot allow myself to waste anymore time and energy on people who cannot respect my perceptions of my life--no matter how much I might care about them.

    When I read on this board about people who have endless dramas with family and friends I am amazed. I do not know how they do it. The thought of all the energy it would take to do this makes me want to crawl into bed. But to be fair I have to admit that I want to crawl in bed a good deal of the time : )

    This is great place to vent and dump. I am not sure what an EFT video is but if it helps...

    It is tough to move through most of one's daily life and know that most people (if not all) around you have no idea what one suffers each and everyday with these dd's--and know that many of them do not have the capacity to understand and in some cases do not want to understand or believe.

    My question is did you go far enough? How long have you known her? Maybe she should feel guilty for trying to push her belief system on you. Now if she has these dd's then I would say you are both entitled to express your beliefs and maybe even try to persuade each other to try out different things. However, even in this scenario both of you would have to come to some kind of understanding about respecting each other's beliefs.

    I see nothing wrong with drawing up boundaries. But I guess I have to wonder what you need from your friend and have you told her what you need.

    What made you feel pushed too far as opposed to times when you only felt pushed a little?

    No doubt about it--these dd's bring so many more difficulties than just the physical sufferings.

  3. kbak

    kbak Member

    I guess the one thing in common all of have is the fact that people don't understand this disease, but then how can they. There's no real education about it. they don't see t.v. movies about it, it's rarely talked about on talk shows, and when it is, it's usually misinformation.

    It's like the dang Lyrica ad where the drug makes you all better. Yes, it's enormously frustrating! You look fine so how sick can you be? I have found almost no one who is really interested in learning what's wrong with me. I guess all we can do is vent to each other.

    Take care,

  4. justjanelle

    justjanelle New Member

    you showed her you were no longer "repressing your anger"! So she should see your response as a good thing, right?

    Best wishes,
  5. victoria

    victoria New Member

    it happens and it is maddening especially if they're loving/well-meaning friends or family....

    Obviously repressing things can cause stress & lowered immune response etc, and the more we can do, the better.... BUT-!

    I have a close friend who has been a follower of several things/people like 'Abraham' (the latest). She attributes all of her success and health to him now, it seems.

    Before that, it was other new age type stuff - like my unknown bone spur causing my limping in pain for 2 years was due to 'fear of going forward in life'. Yeah sure. Once I found out it was a bone spur (MRI was the only thing that coulld 'see' it), I did some nutritional things and got rid of it, was walking limp & pain free within 6 months.

    During these times when she is on her latest tangent, I just have to distance myself from her unfortunately.

    What's really weird to me is that she says this to me at all, because both my DH and I have expounded on all these things (he was a psychologist & I was a hypnotherapist) for many years, and we fully know the power of the mind.... sheesh. She did go thru a lot of therapy & life coaching which helped her, and I'm happy for her successes in life & business.

    I have however realized she views it more religiously than we do in the fullest sense.

    Fine, but, really.... disease has gotten some of the most positive and/or religious people, and to assume one isn't better because of emotional issues gets carried too far. I think it's worked backwards for most of us!

    &, well, as Janelle said, you did let her know you weren't repressing anything... ;)

    That said, if you feel you were too harsh, you might want to write her back in a gentler way, just explaining that she made it sound like being ill is all your fault, etc...

    You are not alone in this dilemma at all, I think it happens to everyone.

    all the best
  6. hollie9

    hollie9 New Member

    I got pushed too far by her retelling of her own seminar experiences and trying to get me to join her, and thinking herself superior because of her "out of body""soul" experiences (talking down to me), and the ever present belief that the mind can cure real illnesses like CFS. I also have a mother who is bombarding me with "you're only sick because your thinking is wrong". So I'm generally fed up with getting so much of this directed at me.

    I've known her forever, we grew up together. And yes, I wish she and my mother wouldn't push their belief system onto me.

    I need from her what I've gotten when she isn't pushing a program, friendship.

    Maybe I'll write and tell her what I've said above.

    Part of it too is that so many of us here have tried Mickel, Lightning or other mind/body things and are more educated about what works and what doesn't.

    EFT is Emotional Freedom Therapy which can be had for free on You Tube:

  7. hollie9

    hollie9 New Member

    Janelle, thanks for that...definitely not repressing anger here!
  8. hollie9

    hollie9 New Member

    Dr. Horner's book about CFS and other illnesses being caused by repressed anger is the same theory as Mickel's, isn't it? Which came first, do you know Jam?

    Yes, in this case the stuff my friend is doing I tried years ago and it's like, been there, done that. I guess she doesn't realize that she's new to the game.
  9. quanked

    quanked Member

    Your been there and done that and she did not realize she was new to the game makes me laugh. Relationships can be so trying and sometimes funny--especially with these dd's.

    Perhaps you trigger her insecurity and she feels she needs to one up you while you are just wanting to be friends and value her in your life.

    When I read your first post (and after I read some others here today) I sensed shades of Lous Hay's book--"You Can Heal Yourself". I buy some of what she has to say but it only goes so far. Some people take her teachings so far as to arrive at blaming the victim for their infirmities.

    I have a friend that I have known since the 7th grade and I would not want to loose her either. At my age (almost 60) that is a long time to have a friend. I mean who can I laugh with about doubling dating to see a Led Zepplin concert or fish net stockings and go-go boots? If you don't get this then please ignore--you are still young : )
  10. hollie9

    hollie9 New Member

    My email to her did contain a lot of information about programs, and gave her a history of what I've tried and what others with CFS have tried and how it came out. And for a lot of us here, I guess we should applaud our knowledge and experience in this area.

    It's real possible she could feel insecure.

    Louise Hay...don't get me mother is a big fan. Saw a PBS special with Louise Hay interview where she says her rationale for life and telling others what to do (like not pursuing traditional cancer cures) is her "inner ding".

    I just wish I'd been more kind, especially if she is insecure.

    But now I have to stop beating myself up.

    It is pretty funny and I think the bottom line, the "been there, done that" and "she doesn't know she's new to the game".
  11. bigmama2

    bigmama2 New Member

    repressed anger is cause of CFS? or other illnesses? and the treatment is to do psychobabble new age bulldookie and make some "practicioner" richer????

    now that whole thing ticks me off!!!!!

    yes, positive thinking, good mental health, etc are important and have their place and their benefits, but to say that they can cure or vastly improve any biological illness is fraudulent, evil, and dangerous, in my opinion.

    gee, why dont people with AIDS just "happy thought" their way out of aids? or kids with autism. or someone with a missing limb magically regrow one by the "power of the mind". absurd!!!

    louise hay is a nutjob!


  12. hollie9

    hollie9 New Member

    The repressed anger being the cause of CFS is what sent me ballistic....

    We already have doctors telling us it is all in our heads, then to hear it's all in our heads (repressed anger) still!!! The snowball effect of hearing this for so many years, really gets to me and I get instantly angry.

    And the treatment in this case was journaling about your feelings, which is a real time zapper.

    So I fired off that email unfortunately. It's been about 4 days and haven't heard back. Don't want to lose a friend.

  13. hollie9

    hollie9 New Member

    Thanks, nice to know I'm not alone in this flashpoint anger.

    If it wasn't for all the good times we have and a lot of them I would not preserve the relationship. But this person has been extremely close to me since birth, was staying at my house just a few weeks ago and is very loving all the time.

    She has this one quirk, being swayed by her brother who speaks at these expensive weird seminars, where she goes overboard on how much the mind can control the body. Another friend is just as close to she and I and thinks the same as me about her, but she just deletes her emails. But she (the other friend) doesn't have CFS so has not met up with such resistance from doctors and the public about "it's all in your head", so does not have this flashpoint.

    I have no idea what the repressed anger friend is thinking, if she is mad, hurt, written me off, but have not heard a response to my second email so something is going on.

    The odd thing is that she has had a rare blood disease, porphyria, she almost died from (her sister did die from this at 28), so you would think she would know the limits of how thinking can control disease. I guess her porphyria must be caused by repressed anger too, although it is genetic and many aunts, uncles, her mother, have either been paralyzed by it or died.

    Thanks for the validation.

  14. hollie9

    hollie9 New Member

    Thanks aussiewoman, it has stressed me out. But I did just now email her an apology and explanation of how the medical community and others insist it is "all in our heads" and why that insinuation makes me angry. So I've done all that I can, and it's a relief to know I have done all that I can.

    I think that if she decides to come back, the lesson will be learned on her side, I doubt I'll hear anymore suggestions that I deal with repressed anger or anything else.

    I agree that it's best to disengage from toxic people, but she just has this one quirk and otherwise we have a lot of fun together. And I really don't want to lose one more friend, she has given me much happiness in the past.

    She is definitely brainwashed, my other friend thinks so too.

    One time a few years ago, we had a girls get-together, a few days and nights with me, her and 2 other close friends who all knew each other. I way overdid, going shopping, going out doing stuff, and had a CFS meltdown where I was crying and just a mess. The other two girls (women really) came in and comforted me, but I was later told this friend just sat on the sofa tensely, saying "there is nothing to be done, nothing" or something like that. So there is something going on with her that is kind of crazy.

    I agree I need to focus on my health, but happiness does depend on having other close supportive people around, and I don't have many left after 15 years of CFS. My husband has been the beneficiary of the non closeness of my girlfriends in the past few weeks, I've been so much more appreciative of him now.

    Thanks for your message, it does center me and helps me prioritize. I've done all I can now and that feels good. So we'll see what happens.

    Loved your statement "she has no idea the nonsense she is parroting. She has been brainwashed". This is so true, and due to her brother's crazy seminars.

  15. hollie9

    hollie9 New Member

    She emailed me a kind of nice email, said she didn't read my email since she thought it would be toxic to her judging from my subsequent email where I kiddingly used "toxic".

    Other girlfriend said this person just can't handle any illness. Like the time I had the CFS meltdown and she just couldn't bring herself to do anything but be tense and say "there is nothing to be done about it". Other girlfriend was taking care of her dying of cancer mother and subject girlfriend was there at her home. Her mother had to go throw up and subject girlfriend just left.

    So I wrote her again trying to educate her on how many times people say this is all in our heads, but doubt she'll "get it". I plan to tell her not to bring up anything that could mean my illness is in my head or any of her mind/body seminar experiences. Just set boundaries.

    Still kind of sad she isn't on my side,


    So I guess it will blow over.
  16. bigmama2

    bigmama2 New Member

    wow. freaaky. sounds like she reallly cant accept or handle anyone having illnesses. thats really odd. im sure other than that she is a nice person. shes just brainwashed. sad.

    hope it blows over-and that you can set those boundaries.

    i have several long time friends who just totally cannot understand about my cfs. they think the fatigue is all because i am overweight. yea, right, all overweight people sleep like 18 hours a day passed out cold. ya, thats exactly right. and have abnormal blood tests results like crazy. nothing can get thru to them. i know if i lost the weight- then all they would say is the fatigue is due to depression or some other mental type thing. i cant win. i cannot convince them cfs is real. sometimes i get so frustrated i wish this illness on them. how lovely of me! argh.

    good luck
  17. bigmama2

    bigmama2 New Member

    well, aren't we just a big ole group of people who have "repressed anger" that we cant express.

    HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i think we express our anger quite well!!!!!!!!!!

  18. hollie9

    hollie9 New Member

    This is the best way to educate someone on Lupus or CFS, love this spoon explanation.

    Unfortunately most people I know don't want to listen that long or learn that much about my illness. And my friend definitely wouldn't have the patience or curiousity to do so.

    I sent her a video clip of that trailer for the film What About Me? which explains how doctors keep saying it's all in our head and not a real disease. I said this was why I am livid when anyone implies or says "it's all in your head" and that it why I have boundaries about this and why her implication that my illness was caused by repressed anger made me mad.

    It didn't do any good. She wrote back that I must be excited the movie is coming out and she's sorry I have an illness....and by the way, two people she worked with died recently, one from brain cancer (minimizing my point).

    So, she doesn't want to get it. She wants to believe repressed anger causes disease and there is no way around it.

    I hope at least she gets that she should never talk to me about this kind of thing again and if she does, I will tell her I don't want to hear it. It will be interesting to see if she avoids me in the future.

    Good Point Big Mama....all the people with CFS/FM have repressed anger issues! I should have thought of that sooner.

    This still makes me mad, that hasn't gone away. She also POs our other friend with this garbage.

    Too much new age stuff, and she hasn't been sick enough to try and fail to think her way out of it. Maybe her time will come. Actually her time may have come already, her husband got cervical dystonia (involuntary jerking of the head to the side, constantly), a progressive disease that causes him depression and lots of pain. She keeps trying to get away from him and pepppers the poor guy with these mind/body cures. We'll see how she holds up as this disease progresses.

    [This Message was Edited on 05/07/2010]
    [This Message was Edited on 05/07/2010]