Funny News Headlines

Discussion in 'Homebound/Bedbound' started by hangininthere, Jan 16, 2018.

  1. hangininthere

    hangininthere Well-Known Member

    These are actual news headlines I'm keeping a list of that don't sound quite right - funny on purpose or by accident.

    Deli worker speaks out after violent avocado assault

    Man who robs bank to get away from wife is sentenced to home confinement

    Giant drug-slinging catapult used to shoot pot into the United States

    A Man is at Fred Martin Motorcars claiming to be Jesus Christ and wants to purchase a red Dodge Challenger

    Library: Fines can’t be paid with Chuck E. Cheese tokens

    How to avoid outliving your retirement savings
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  2. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Hi Patti

    Pretty funny collection. Hard to imagine a "violent avocado assault".

    Here are some quotes from church bulletins. Allegedly true, but one has to wonder about
    some of them.

    From a temperance conference program. "Lunch will be gin at 12 noon. Sorry, correction.
    Lunch will be gin at 12.30."

    Deacon Jones, who was an electrical lineman, was electrocuted on a job last Wednesday.
    The whole family was shocked!”

    This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Carlson to come forward and lay an egg on
    the altar.

    "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

    "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth
    keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

    For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

    Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.

    Rock
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  3. hangininthere

    hangininthere Well-Known Member

    I had only read the headline but didn't click onto the article about the avocado attack. When I googled it today to see if it was real, it had a store surveillance video of the attack, along with the article and a pic of the beat-up clerk and I about cried.

    I googled a long list of Funny Church Bulletin Bloopers. Hilarious, whether real or not.

    For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery down stairs.

    The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 pm. The congregation is invited to attend the tragedy.

    This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.

    The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy".

    Thursday night: Potluck Supper - Prayer and medication will follow.

    Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

    The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

    Evening massage - 6 p.m.

    The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

    The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

    Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

    Ushers will eat latecomers.

    The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

    The Rev. Merriweather spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2018
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  4. hangininthere

    hangininthere Well-Known Member

    During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J. F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

    Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

    Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

    Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

    The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

    Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

    The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

    22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

    A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

    Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

    Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett - Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"

    On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD - Dr. Hargreaves is better.

    Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

    The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

    Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

    The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

    This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

    Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

    Wednesday the Ladies' Liturgy Group will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing, "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the Pastor.

    Thursday at 5:00 PM, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his private study.

    The service will close with, "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

    The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

    A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

    At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

    Tuesday at 4 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

    Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

    Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

    Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

    Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

    The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

    Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is preparing for the girth of their first child.

    The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 p.m. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

    Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

    Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

    The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I upped My Pledge----Up Yours."

    Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

    The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

    The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

    The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.

    Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

    Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

    Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

    "Wise Up, O Men of God". Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

    The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

    The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus

    Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

    The agenda was adopted...the minutes were approved... the financial secretary gave a grief report.

    Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

    The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.

    Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Name: Bertha Belch. Announcement: Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa".

    Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals".

    The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

    Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

    Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!

    Today... Christian Youth Fellowship Sexuality Course, 8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.

    The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

    If you are going to be hospitalized for an operation, contact the pastor. Special prayer also for those who are seriously sick by request.

    Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts...

    We have received word of sudden passing of Rev. Smith this morning during the worship service. Now let's sing "Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow."

    This Sunday morning following services we will have our monthly feelowship.

    This blooper showed up on the main page of the Internet web site for the Evangelical Lutheran Church in Canada: "In a show of near anonymity, the convention approved full communion with the Anglican Church of Canada."

    Lift up our Messianic brothers and sisters in Israel who are suffering during our prayer time.

    Glory of God to all and peas to his people on earth.

    Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.

    Brother Lamar has gone on to be the Lord.

    The pastor will light his candle from the altar candles. The ushers will light their candle from the pastor's candle. The ushers will turn and light each worshipper in the first pew.

    Song Lyrics: What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and briefs to bear. [No doubt, a lawyer wrote that one. And in fact, Jesus does bear our legal briefs before the Father, right?]

    Church sign: Jesus Saves! Safeway sign across the street: Safeway saves you more!

    (For the group of ladies called Moms Who Care and pray for the children in school). When their meeting was cancelled one week: "There will be no Moms who care this week."

    This one I said myself during the congregational prayer when leading prayer for our unsaved loved ones: Father, we just want to pray for our unloved saved ones.

    Please welcome Pastor Don, a caring individual who loves hurting people.

    Men's Prayer Breakfast. No charge, but your damnation will be gratefully accepted.

    Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

    Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

    Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

    The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

    If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.

    There will not be any Women Worth Watching this week.

    The Honeymooners are now having bile studies each Tuesday evening at 7:30 p.m.

    I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, even though he diets, yet shall be live.

    On a church postcard: I have received Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I would like a personal call.

    This week's saints include a French woman (Teresa, the Little Flower), a Swedish woman (Bridget), an Italian man (Francis of Assisi), a German man (Bruno), a Jewess from the Holy Land (Mary, God's Mother). They include single people and married people. Bridget was a wife and mother. Mary was a virgin and virgin mother. If they could do it, so can we.

    A song listed in the Church Bulletin at the Nazarene Church in Little Rock, Arkansas; in connection with a sermon on God's mantle..."Let's God Mangle Fall on Me."

    A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2018
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  5. hangininthere

    hangininthere Well-Known Member

    Woman fined for accidentally falling onto baggage carousel, riding into luggage room
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  6. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Hi Patty, I guess you can't ride unless you buy a ticket.

    It's good to know that the Fasting Conference will include meals. And who would have
    thought Safeway would compete with a church?

    See the story yesterday about the lady who got fined $500 for taking her apple off the
    plane? The apple was served to her while she was riding on a Delta plane.


    Here are a few more I found on the net.

    Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop. Find Weapons.

    Missippi's literacy program shows improvement.

    Want to spell like a champ? Read Wenster's Dictionary.

    Rock
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  7. hangininthere

    hangininthere Well-Known Member

    LOL you're a riot, Rock. "Can't ride without a ticket." LOLOLOL

    Yep, she took the apple - given to her by the airline she rode on the first leg of her trip - onto another plane for the second leg and got caught for undeclared fruit.

    "Mississippi" reminds me of what a kick my Dad would get out of hearing little me and my little sister spelling M-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p-i in unison like a rhyme like he taught us. He would laugh so hard.

    Patti
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  8. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    I guess we did the spelling the same way, Patti.

    M i s s i s s i p p i. Either that or M I crooked letter, crooked letter, I crooked letter, crooked
    letter, I humpback humpback I.

    Kawinkadentally I just put a novel on hold at the library. A thriller that came out several
    years ago titled Crooked Letter, Crooked Letter. Came across it on accounta your post.

    Rock

    I typed this up an hour or two ago. Then the computer froze up. Will see what
    happens this time around.
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  9. hangininthere

    hangininthere Well-Known Member

    Yep, we said it rhythmically like that. I had never heard of the crooked letter humpback letter until this year when I've seen it mentioned a couple of places.

    Patti
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  10. gb66

    gb66 Well-Known Member

    Hi Rock and Patti! I always enjoy reading these. Gives me a good laugh.

    Wasn't there a song about the MI crooked letter/Humpback years ago. Something about flowing down to New Orleans? My mind's foggy but it rings a bell. GB
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  11. hangininthere

    hangininthere Well-Known Member

    Found it with your clue! Never heard of it!

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